Differences in Sexual Desire are Good, Actually.

Differences in sexual desire can help relationships grow because they push couples to develop their independence and manage their own anxieties. This is called differentiation, and it’s key to maintaining intimacy and passion in long-term relationships.

Here’s why:

• When Your Partner Becomes Too Important to you: If your partner's importance outweighs your sense of self, problems like boredom, low desire, and intimacy struggles are bound to appear.

• Sexual Differences Are Normal: Sexual incompatibility isn’t about choosing the wrong partner—it’s about natural differences between people. These struggles force both partners to face their own limitations and resistance to change.

• Why Novelty Matters: Sexual routines often become repetitive, leading to "leftovers"—the same familiar behaviors. Introducing something new usually means stepping outside your comfort zone, which challenges both partners. While this creates discomfort, it’s necessary to keep the relationship exciting and alive.

The conflict caused by sexual differences isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign that the relationship is working. By addressing these challenges, couples can grow individually, build deeper intimacy, and improve their sexual connection.

Here are some ways differentiation shows up in sexual relationships:

• Monogamy as a Growth Tool: The limits and challenges of monogamy create tension, but this can lead to personal and relationship growth if handled well. Discrepancies in sexual desire force couples to confront their differences and grow together.

• The Low Desire Partner’s Role: The partner with less desire has control over the frequency of sex, even if they don’t realize it. This dynamic can be frustrating for the higher-desire partner but also offers an opportunity for growth. By learning to manage their own needs and accept their partner’s differences, the higher-desire partner strengthens their sense of self, which can make the relationship more balanced and satisfying.

• Learning Self-Validation: Resolving sexual desire issues requires both partners to develop self-validated intimacy. When validation depends entirely on the other person, desire and connection often fade. When partners learn to validate themselves, they create a healthier and more enduring form of intimacy.

Why the Lower-Desire Partner Always Controls Sex

The fact that the lower-desire partner (LDP) has control over sex in a relationship might seem unfair or counterintuitive, but it's a natural consequence of the dynamics of desire.

Here's why the LDP holds the reins:

• The HDP (Higher-Desire Partner) is usually the initiator: Driven by their higher desire, they are the ones more likely to express the wish for sexual activity.

• The LDP holds the power of acceptance: They decide whether to consent to the HDP's advances, ultimately determining if and when sex happens.

This dynamic grants the LDP control over various aspects of the couple's sexual life:

• Frequency: They influence how often the couple engages in sexual activity.

• Timing: They determine when sex is acceptable or desirable.

• Style: They can shape the type of sexual activities the couple engages in.

There are several factors that contribute to this dynamic:

• HDP's Fear of Rejection: HDPs often experience heightened vulnerability and a fear of rejection, making them more accommodating to the LDP's preferences.

  • This fear can lead to behaviors like pleading, bargaining, or criticism, which decrease the LDP's desire even further.

• LDP's Sense of Self: LDPs, especially those who hold the belief that sexual desire should occur spontaneously, might struggle with feelings of inadequacy or defectiveness.

  • Withholding sex can become a way to protect their self-esteem or avoid feeling pressured.

  • They may also fear losing control or being overwhelmed by the HDP's desires.

• "Mercy Sex": Some LDPs engage in sex out of obligation or to pacify their partner, lacking genuine desire.

  • This type of interaction can leave the HDP feeling emotionally disconnected, further diminishing their sexual satisfaction.

What is a Two-Choice Dilemma

Dr. David Schnarch often talked about “Two-Choice Dilemmas.” A two-choice dilemma arises when you're stuck between two options, both of which present anxieties or negative consequences. It's the feeling of wanting two things but only being able to choose one. These dilemmas are woven into the fabric of life, and especially prevalent in committed relationships like marriage.

1. The Nature of Two-Choice Dilemmas:

• We often fantasize about having choices without consequences, seeking solutions that eliminate anxiety altogether. However, this isn't realistic.

• Two-choice dilemmas force us to confront the reality that every choice comes with a price. Choosing one option means forfeiting the other, and we must accept the anxieties and potential downsides that come with our decision.

2. Two-Choice Dilemmas and Marriage:

• When you get married, your lives become intertwined, and their choices directly impact your own.

• This interdependence often leads to wanting to control both your own choices and those of your partner. You want to ensure your partner makes choices that align with your desires, while simultaneously wanting to believe they are acting freely. This is a classic two-choice dilemma.

3. Examples of Two-Choice Dilemmas in Relationships:

• Sexual Desire: One partner wants more frequent sex, while the other prefers less. Both partners face anxieties: the higher desire partner fears rejection, while the lower desire partner may feel pressured or obligated.

• Having Children: One partner longs to have children, while the other is hesitant or ambivalent. Each faces difficult choices: to pursue parenthood or risk disappointing their partner, or to forgo parenthood and potentially miss out on a desired life experience.

• Financial Decisions: Disagreements about spending, saving, or major purchases create a dilemma. One partner may prioritize financial security, while the other values experiences or material possessions. Both face anxieties about financial stability or fulfilling their desires.

• In-Law Relationships: Navigating differences in how much time to spend with in-laws, or managing conflicts with them, presents a choice. One partner might prioritize family loyalty, while the other seeks greater independence or boundaries. Both may face anxieties about family harmony or asserting their needs.

4. Dodging Dilemmas and "Stealing Choice":

• It's tempting to avoid the discomfort of two-choice dilemmas. We may stall, rationalize, or try to convince our partner to change their stance.

• However, dodging dilemmas often involves "stealing choice" from our partner. By refusing to confront our own anxieties and make a decision, we prevent our partner from exercising their own choices and potentially moving forward.

What is Normal Marital Sadism?

Normal marital sadism (NMS) is a term coined by Dr. David Schnarch to describe the subtle but cruel ways partners can hurt each other emotionally in a marriage. It's a common problem, often hidden because our society tends to accept some of these behaviors as normal in marriage. NMS goes beyond simple arguments or disagreements; it's about deriving satisfaction from causing your partner emotional pain. Although it doesn't involve physical abuse, it can be very damaging.

Examples of Normal Marital Sadism

1. Withholding Affection and Support: Punishing your partner by refusing to show them love or give them emotional support when they need it. This is a classic example of NMS, using affection as a weapon to control or manipulate.

2. Intentional Forgetfulness: Deliberately forgetting important dates or promises is another way to inflict pain. It shows a lack of care and respect for your partner's feelings.

3. Subtle Put-Downs: Constantly criticizing, belittling, or dismissing your partner's thoughts and feelings can slowly chip away at their self-esteem, making them feel inadequate and insecure.

4. Sexual Manipulation: Faking orgasms or withholding sex can be used to create distance and punish your partner emotionally. It turns a deeply intimate act into a tool for control and infliction of pain.

5. Mind Games: Playing mind games and manipulating your partner to get what you want creates an atmosphere of distrust and insecurity in the relationship.

Reasons Why NMS Happens in Marriages

1. Emotional Fusion: When couples are too emotionally dependent on each other, they can become overly sensitive to anything that threatens their connection. This can lead to hurtful behaviors to protect a fragile sense of self.

2. Struggles with Differentiation: Differentiation is the process of developing a strong individual identity while staying connected to your partner. Resistance to this process can manifest as clinging to old patterns of control and dependence, leading to NMS.

3. Two-Choice Dilemmas: Every marriage involves choices that may prioritize one partner's needs over the other's. Avoiding these choices or forcing one partner to always sacrifice their needs can breed resentment and fuel NMS.

What is Traumatic Mind Mapping?

Traumatic mind mapping occurs when you're trying to understand someone else's thoughts and feelings, and what you perceive is so disturbing that it negatively impacts your own mind and brain. It's a type of mental and physical impairment that can arise from witnessing or experiencing something terrible.

Here's a breakdown of what traumatic mind mapping entails:

• Mind Mapping: Your brain has an innate ability to create mental maps of other people's minds. This involves understanding their thoughts, feelings, knowledge, and desires. It's a crucial survival skill that helps us predict others' actions.

• The Traumatic Element: When you engage in mind mapping and encounter something horrific in another person's mind, it can be deeply unsettling. This can happen in various situations, such as witnessing abuse, encountering cruelty, or realizing someone is intentionally manipulating you.

• Impact on the Brain: Traumatic mind mapping can lead to "spaghetti brain," which is a significant decline in cognitive function. You may experience:

  • Foggy thinking

  • Slowed thoughts

  • Difficulty concentrating

  • Logical errors

  • Inability to prioritize important information

Traumatic mind mapping can also lead to a collapse of your mind-mapping system. This can create:

• Distortions in Autobiographical Memory: You may not remember the traumatic event at all. If you do remember it, your recollection might be distorted, with missing information about the person who caused the trauma. This creates gaps in your understanding of what happened and why.

• Disgust Reactions: In severe cases, traumatic mind mapping can trigger involuntary disgust reactions. This is a primal survival mechanism that compels you to distance yourself from the source of disgust.

Traumatic mind mapping can be particularly impactful when it involves someone you're close to, as the betrayal of trust adds another layer of distress. Children growing up in troubled homes are especially vulnerable, as they may experience repeated instances of traumatic mind mapping.

It's important to note that traumatic mind mapping can have lasting effects on your mental and emotional well-being. If you're struggling with the aftermath of such experiences, seeking professional help can be beneficial. There are therapies designed specifically to address the impacts of traumatic mind mapping and help you recover.

Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning

Overfunctioning and underfunctioning are patterns of behavior that can mess up the balance in your relationship. One partner ends up doing way too much (overfunctioning), while the other doesn't do enough (underfunctioning). Think of it like a seesaw that's permanently tilted.

Overfunctioning

When you're the overfunctioner, you feel the need to take control and handle everything in the relationship. You might:

• Anticipate your partner's needs before they even ask. You're like a mind reader, always knowing what they want and jumping to fulfill their needs.

• Give advice even when it's not wanted. You think you're being helpful, but it can come across as controlling and make your partner feel incompetent.

• Become the emotional caretaker. You try to fix their problems and manage their feelings, leaving you emotionally exhausted.

For example: Imagine you're always the one planning dates, making dinner reservations, and organizing weekend activities. You end up feeling like the event planner in your own relationship, and it takes a toll.

Underfunctioning

If you're the underfunctioner, you tend to rely on your partner to make decisions and handle responsibilities. You might:

• Avoid expressing your opinions or preferences. You'd rather go with the flow than assert yourself, even if it means not getting what you want.

• Let your partner handle all the practical stuff. You depend on them to deal with finances, chores, and even emotional support, even if you're capable of doing it yourself.

• Seek constant validation from your partner. You feel insecure and unsure of yourself, needing their reassurance to feel good about yourself.

For example: Imagine your partner manages all the finances, even though you have a job. You never look at the bills or discuss spending, making you feel financially dependent and powerless.

Finding a Healthier Balance

To break this unhealthy cycle, you both need to take responsibility for your actions and work toward greater equality in the relationship.

• If you tend to overfunction: Start by setting boundaries and letting your partner handle more. Resist the urge to jump in and fix things for them. Give them space to figure things out on their own and learn from their mistakes.

• If you tend to underfunction: Start by taking more initiative. Voice your opinions, make decisions, and take on more responsibilities, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Build your self-confidence and learn to handle challenges independently.

Remember, true intimacy requires both partners to be strong and independent while supporting each other. When you're both able to stand on your own two feet, you can create a more fulfilling and passionate relationship.

Dr. David Schnarch on Mind Mapping

Dr. Schnarch defines mind mapping as the ability to understand another person's mind and predict their behavior. This involves stepping into their perspective and understanding their motivations, even if they differ from your own. Mind mapping delves deeper than simply guessing someone's thoughts or feelings; it involves understanding their mental model of the world, encompassing their beliefs, values, and experiences. According to Dr. Schnarch, this is an ongoing process that occurs automatically during interactions. Our brains continuously work to understand others so we can navigate social situations effectively.

Dr. Schnarch suggests mind mapping is more than intuition, as it involves complex neurological processes. Several brain areas, including the reptilian brain, mammalian brain, and neocortex, collaborate to process information about others, interpret their emotions and intentions, and guide responses. This ability is shaped by both genetics and life experiences. He explains that the foundation for mind mapping begins in infancy, with children progressively understanding that others have different perspectives. By age four, children develop "explicit" mind-mapping abilities and demonstrate an understanding of differing beliefs and desires, even engaging in intentional deception.

Mind mapping is not solely focused on understanding others but also plays a key role in self-awareness. By mapping our own minds, we gain insights into our thoughts, feelings, and motivations. This self-awareness influences how we perceive the world, interact with others, and shape our life stories. Dr. Schnarch highlights that mind mapping can have both positive and negative consequences depending on how it is used. It can foster empathy, compassion, and healthy relationships, but it can also be used for manipulation, deception, and emotional harm. Recognizing the potential for misuse is crucial for ethical and responsible application of mind-mapping skills.

7 Things I learned from Dr. David Schnarch

Dr. David Schnarch created Crucible Therapy and is one of my heroes. His writing has helped me save my own marriage, and help other couples do the same.

1. Nobody's ready for marriage; marriage makes you ready for marriage. Schnarch believed that marriage is a journey of self-discovery. It's not about finding the perfect person; it's about growing together and learning to be a better partner. Marriage challenges you to become more mature, responsible, and understanding.

2. Differentiation means being able to stand up for what you believe in, even when your partner or other important people in your life pressure you to conform. It's about calming yourself down, not letting your anxiety take over, and not overreacting. Schnarch's own experience in graduate school taught him the importance of differentiation.

3. Embrace your sexual potential. Schnarch emphasized that everyone has sexual potential, but many people are afraid to explore it. He believed that good sex requires emotional maturity and vulnerability. It's not just about technique; it's about being open and honest with your partner and yourself.

4. Intimacy isn't easy. Schnarch believed that true intimacy requires courage and a willingness to be vulnerable. It's about being able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner, even if it's scary. Schnarch emphasized that intimacy isn't about constant bliss; it's about navigating the ups and downs of a relationship with love and respect.

5. Sexual desire problems are common. Schnarch recognized that most couples will experience sexual desire problems at some point. He believed that these problems are often rooted in deeper emotional issues, such as fear of intimacy or a lack of differentiation. Schnarch developed a therapeutic approach called Crucible® Neurobiological Therapy to help couples address these underlying issues.

6. Deal with emotional regressions. Schnarch used the analogy of "living at the bottom of the ocean" to describe emotional regressions, which are moments when we revert to immature or unhealthy behaviors. He believed that we can learn to recognize these regressions and develop strategies to manage them, such as mindfulness and self-soothing.

7. Therapy is a journey of growth. Schnarch viewed therapy as a process of self-discovery and growth. He believed that successful therapy requires a willingness to face difficult emotions and to challenge your own beliefs. Schnarch emphasized that therapists must also be willing to grow and learn from their clients.

Why Crucible Therapy is Better than Gottman Relationship Therapy

David Schnarch created Crucible therapy as a comprehensive approach to helping married couples with both relationship and sexual issues. At its core is the idea of "differentiation" - keeping your own identity and beliefs while still maintaining emotional connections with your partner. Unlike traditional therapy that might see relationship problems as things to fix, Crucible therapy views these challenges as chances for both partners to grow stronger.

This approach differs significantly from the Gottman Method, developed by John Gottman. While Gottman focuses on teaching couples better ways to communicate and handle conflicts - with an emphasis on making both partners feel safe and secure - Crucible therapy takes a bolder approach.

One of Schnarch's key insights is that relying too heavily on your partner for emotional validation (what he calls "other-validated intimacy") can actually damage your relationship over time. Think of it like using crutches - while they help in the moment, depending on them too much can weaken your ability to walk on your own. Instead, Crucible therapy promotes "self-validated intimacy," where you learn to trust your own experiences and maintain your viewpoint, even when it differs from your partner's.

Schnarch disagrees with therapists who encourage partners to constantly validate each other's feelings. He argues this approach can backfire by making people too dependent on their partners for emotional stability. Instead, Crucible therapy teaches people to manage their own emotional reactions and stay calm even when their partner is stressed or anxious. This ability to self-regulate emotions, Schnarch believes, is essential for building stronger, healthier relationships.

Schnarch’s approach addresses the underlying forces that slowly wear down relationships over time. It helps couples grow out of the character weaknesses that keep them from really loving and cherishing each other. It addresses the things that actually make communication so hard.

As a young therapist, I trained in Gottman Relationship Therapy because it was the only modality that was allowed by the practice where I worked. As I gained experience, I gradually replaced Gottman-style couples counseling with more advanced methods I learned from training in Schnarch Crucible Therapy.

I prefer Schnarch Crucible Therapy because it works faster, and is more effective when working with high-conflict couples. I’m never going back.

Dr. David Schnarch and Crucible Therapy

When Dr. David Schnarch created the Crucible Approach and was a leader in combining sexual and marital therapy. Instead of focusing on communication and solving conflicts, he emphasized differentiation: the ability to be true to yourself while staying connected to your partner.  

Schnarch pushed couples to face problems directly during therapy sessions. He believed growth comes from dealing with discomfort, not avoiding it.  His ideas about sexual development were also groundbreaking. While most experts thought sexual peak happened when people were younger, Schnarch argued that people could have their best sexual experiences in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. 

David Schnarch’s Books

• Constructing the Sexual Crucible (1991) (difficult to read)

• Passionate Marriage (1997)

• Intimacy & Desire (2009)

• Brain Talk (2018)

• Living at the Bottom of the Ocean (2024)  (Free PDF, start here)

Crucible Therapy Training

Dr. Schnarch trained therapists in his Crucible Approach from 1995 until his death in 2020. Today, the International Crucible Therapy Education Center continues his work with online and in-person training events. 

Crucible training has helped me become a much more capable therapist, a better husband, and a better father. I have attended a lot of therapist training events, and Crucible training is different:  The focus is on personal growth and development, not on learning skills, theory, or methedology. Crucible training is about becoming. 

If you are looking for a Crucible-Trained therapist, or are a clinician interested in pursuing training, feel free to reach out to me for more information. 

Collaborative Parenting

1. Children Learn From What You Do, Not What You Say

Children learn from what I do, not from what I say. As adults, we have more capacity to learn from what people say to us. Children mostly just learn through observation and repetition. So if you want your child to be more honest, you need to learn how to be more honest. If you want your child to be more courageous, you need to learn how to be more courageous. If you want them to be more kind, you get the idea.

This makes parenting really hard because most of the things that my children do that I don't want them to do, they actually learned from me. That sounds harsh, but it's true because a child's brain is very much programmed to repeat the behaviors that the child observes from their parents.

2. Children Operate at a Fraction of Their Parents' Maturity Level

If I want my child to grow in maturity, I have to increase my own maturity to a much higher level than the maturity level I hope my child will achieve. This ties into what I was saying earlier about if I want my child to manage conflict better, I need to manage conflict better.

3. Demonstrate Collaborative Conflict

One of the most important skills that most of us never got growing up was how to step into a collaborative conflict. This usually comes up between husband and wife: how do I handle myself when I disagree with you? How do I handle myself when I perceive the world differently than you do? How do I handle myself when I perceive you and I perceive myself differently than you perceive yourself and differently than you perceive me?

These things are really hard for adults to manage, and they're even harder for children to manage. But if I can allow my child to see myself stepping into collaborative conflict where I talk straight to you without using anger or manipulation or coercion, then my child can learn that through example. They won't learn that from me talking to them about it. It has to be demonstrated, which means that I have to grow myself up first before I can hope for my children to grow up more.

4. Demonstrate Self-Soothing

Self-soothing is my ability to calm myself down once I've gotten upset. This is one of the most important things that I can demonstrate to my children because it's harder for children to do than it is for adults. A child who never gets to see their parents calm themselves then address the situation is going to have a much harder time learning that skill than a child who actually gets to see their parents do that.

5. Courage is a Prerequisite to Honesty

If you want your children to tell the truth more often, the actual underlying problem is a lack of courage, not a lack of honesty. It's pretty easy for kids to understand the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie—that's not the problem. So there's no use in talking to your kids about "tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth."

The reason they're lying is that they're afraid or they're trying to manipulate you. They would be less likely to do that if they had more courage. Now, here's the problem: it's a lot harder for children to be courageous than it is for adults, and it's already really hard for adults to be courageous.

If I want my kid to be more courageous, I have to be a lot more courageous first, and I have to allow my child to see me being courageous. The most common opportunity I'm going to have as a parent to show my child what courage looks like is to collaboratively confront my partner where my child can see it. So can I talk straight to my wife, for example, while my children are present, without getting angry, without being manipulative, without being cruel? Can I be kind and straightforward and honest and courageous in my child's presence?

The answer for most of us is that we don't really know how to do this. We're not very good at it. If I want my children to learn the skill, I have to learn it first. I have to practice it, and I have to demonstrate it in my children's presence.

6. Most of Your Child's Undesirable Behavior is Caused by Anxiety

If you think of your family system, there's going to be an undercurrent of anxiety that travels through each person in that family system, and children have a much lower ability to handle that anxiety than adults do. So if you as the parent bring a certain amount of anxiety and put that into your family system, your children are going to be more affected by that anxiety than you are, and a child will often deal with that anxiety by doing something you don't want them to do.

This means calming your own anxiety and doing what you can to keep from taking your anxiety and dumping it onto your children, or dumping your anxiety into the family system. One typical example is if the parents are upset at each other, the children will behave poorly because they're sensing the anxiety that's being put into the family system by the parents not liking each other.

7. Don't Use Emotional Punishment

Emotional punishment is just "you didn't do what I want, so now you have to deal with my unpleasant emotion"—so I'm going to get mad at you, or I'm going to withdraw my love and affection, or I'm just going to develop some kind of unpleasant, negative emotion and you're going to have to deal with it. This is the most common way that we parents try to manipulate our children's behavior.

There's a lot of problems with this, but one of the biggest problems is that it just doesn't work. It might work for a few minutes, maybe even a couple hours, but it never works for more than that. You will never improve your child's behavior tomorrow by using unpleasant, intense emotions today.

One of the problems with this is it's much harder to use other discipline methods as opposed to just getting mad or just yelling or just using your unpleasant emotions to try to control your children. The other ways of providing consequences for a child's behavior require a lot more effort and a lot more creativity and a lot more focus than just allowing yourself to get mad.

Now, if you think you can't control yourself, if you can't change the way your emotions come out with your kids, just think about what would happen if your boss showed up at the door while you were in the middle of yelling at your child. If you answered the door, you would not immediately start yelling at your boss, so you actually can control yourself. You're just choosing to allow your emotions to affect your child because it's your instinctive response when your kid doesn't do what you want them to do. This happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. It's also something we need to work on changing.

8. Immediate Consequences Are Much More Effective Than Extended Consequences

Children respond to immediate consequences much more powerfully than they do to extended consequences. If I tell my child, "you're grounded for a month," that honestly doesn't mean anything more than being grounded for a day or two. To an adult, being grounded for a month has a lot of significance, but children have a very limited ability to imagine what life is going to be in the future. They tend to be very present-focused, and so a consequence that extends out for hours or days or weeks is not very meaningful to most children.

9. Positive Feedback is More Powerful Than Negative Feedback

Providing positive feedback to your child is always going to be more effective than providing negative feedback. So catch your child doing something you want them to do and acknowledge or notice what they're doing. Catch them doing something good and make sure they know that you can tell and that you appreciate their behavior. They really need to know that you can see when they're stretching themselves to become a better version of who they are.

10. Effective Parenting is Actually Super Hard

As you notice from all the things I've talked about, every single item on this list requires me, the parent, to grow myself up, to become more mature, to become more powerful, to calm myself down, to do all the things I want my child to do—but to an even greater extent.

Powerful and effective parenting requires me to look at my own weaknesses, my own inadequacies, and try to change those parts of myself, which sets a good example for my children and allows them to learn from what I do, and also allows me to interact with them in more effective and more powerful ways.

David Schnarch’s Best Books

Here is a list of my favorite David Schnarch books:

1. Living at the Bottom of the Ocean

What the book is about:

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by your emotions, like you’re sinking and can’t come up for air, this book is for you. Schnarch explains how emotional regressions—times when we “lose it” emotionally—can disrupt our lives and relationships. He compares these moments to living underwater, where it’s hard to think clearly or feel in control.

Read it if you want to:

Learn practical strategies to recognize and manage emotional meltdowns. From brain-based therapy techniques to exercises like revisualizations and written dialogues, this book provides tools to climb out of emotional depths and thrive.

Read it for free:

This book is available as a free PDF download here.

2. Brain Talk

What the book is about:

Have you ever wondered how your brain helps you understand other people’s thoughts and feelings? In Brain Talk, Schnarch explores mind mapping, a fascinating way our brains connect with others. This book shows how mind mapping shapes relationships, impacts our emotional health, and can even become distorted through trauma.

Read it if you want to:

Understand the science behind relationships and human behavior. It’s ideal for repairing emotional wounds, improving communication, and strengthening connections with others.

3. Passionate Marriage

What the book is about:

Building a strong, intimate relationship isn’t easy, but Passionate Marriage makes the journey more accessible. Schnarch introduces the concept of differentiation—the ability to stay true to yourself while being deeply connected to someone else. He shares practical techniques, like “hugging till relaxed” and “eyes-open sex,” to help couples deepen their intimacy and rediscover passion.

Read it if you want to:

Grow as a person and as a partner. Whether you’re facing relationship struggles or simply want to strengthen your bond, this book offers actionable advice for creating a fulfilling, lifelong partnership.

4. Intimacy & Desire

What the book is about:

Desire is a complicated part of any relationship. In Intimacy & Desire, Schnarch dives into why normal, healthy couples often struggle with mismatched levels of sexual desire. He explains how these issues are not signs of failure but opportunities for growth.

Read it if you want to:

Reignite passion in your relationship. This book provides tools like the Four Points of Balance to help individuals and couples grow emotionally and sexually, making it perfect for anyone seeking deeper intimacy.

What is a Collaborative Alliance?

Creating a more collaborative alliance is the key to relationship repair. Dr. David Schnarch lists these eight key points about collaborative alliances in Chapter 11 of his book Intimacy and Desire:

1. First and foremost, collaborative alliances focus on what needs to be done. Listening and speaking up are important in these alliances, but they are based on action, not just feelings.

2. Re-establishing a collaborative alliance with your partner is more important than the fact that your alliance crashed. Relationship repair is paramount, prioritizing the continuation of the marriage over fears of its demise.

3. Pay attention to when you drop your alliance. People are often more aware of when their partner drops the alliance than when they do it themselves. Recognizing and acknowledging when you drop your side of the alliance is the first, most difficult, and most important step in rebuilding it. Understanding your patterns of dropping the alliance can lead to quicker improvement and may reflect past life experiences.

4. How you feel isn’t the main issue. Feeling nervous does not excuse you from upholding your end of the alliance. The key issue is fulfilling your responsibilities. Your feelings may be understandable, but your responsibility to maintain your integrity and do what’s right remains.

5. In a collaborative alliance your responsibilities are unilateral, not mutual or reciprocal. A collaborative alliance means maintaining your end of the agreement even when your partner temporarily drops theirs. Your partner’s bad behavior does not excuse your own, and you should confront them about dropping their responsibility after ensuring you have fulfilled yours. This prevents the relationship from being governed by the lowest common denominator.

6. Collaborative alliances don’t always feel good. They can involve confrontation, challenges, and refusing to accommodate, which can be difficult. A collaborative alliance does not guarantee making your partner feel good, validated, accepted, safe, or secure. Collaborative alliances are defined by function, not feeling. In contrast, collusive alliances center around making people feel certain ways.

7. Collaborative alliances never involve blinding yourself about your partner, yourself, or what’s going on between you. Both partners must remain perceptive and mindful, with mind-mapping playing a crucial role. Don’t try to hide your true self. Asking someone to overlook your shortcomings, or offering to do the same for them, constitutes a collusive alliance.

8. Collaborative alliances test your integrity. Maintaining a good-faith agreement ultimately comes down to preserving your integrity. While it’s easier to abandon the alliance and prioritize your own immediate interests, as you become more differentiated, you prioritize doing what you know is right to maintain inner peace. Alliances formed out of convenience may appear collaborative, but they will crumble under pressure.

How Relationships Work

How Relationship Therapy Works

Relationship therapy helps you answer three questions:

• What is going on in your relationship?

• Why is it happening?

• How can you make it better?

Every relationship goes through difficult times. With the right tools, you can emerge from these challenges with a more thriving, passionate marriage. 

Our first three sessions will focus on these topics: 

• effective communication

• conflict resolution

• how to feel safe

• how to create trust

I work with over one hundred couples every year. Most couples reach their relationship goals in ten sessions or less, but some take longer. Rebuilding your relationship might be the most rewarding thing you have ever done, and I will be with you every step of the way. 

Some thoughts to consider

• You aren’t more mature than your partner, you’re just immature in different ways.

• Your relationship will improve when you change your input into the relationship system.

• Your partner can also change their input into the system, but why wait for them to go first?

• Your partner knows more about your personal flaws than you do.

• It’s easier to see your partner’s flaws than your own flaws.

• Your relationship distress is your responsibility, not your partner’s responsibility.

• Your partner is not the cause of your distress, and they will not be the solution to your distress.

• You can only control your own contribution to the relationship system.

• You can’t control your partner’s behavior, but you can change the environment they are operating in.

• Most relationships consist of a two people reacting to each other in a never-ending loop.

• When you stop reacting and start changing, your relationship starts to change.

• If you wait for your partner to go first, you might be waiting a long time.

• You can’t break the loop unless you’re willing to accept and manage your own anxiety.

Relationship Dynamics

• There are three common self-reinforcing relationship dynamics:

• Victim/manipulator:  one acts helpless while the other acts superior and controlling

• Victim/rescuer:  one carries responsibility for the other, who acts helpless

• Pursuer/distancer:  one deals with anxiety by withdrawing, the other deals with anxiety by seeking connection

• In each case, your own behavior encourages and enables your partner’s behavior.

• Most relationships incorporate all three dynamics.

• The further you back into your corner, the easier it is for your partner to stay in their corner.

• When you leave your corner and come out into the middle of the relationship, it makes it harder for your partner to stay in their corner.

• You might feel like you have to keep playing your preferred role, but you don’t actually. You can stop at any moment.

• You probably learned your preferred role in your family of origin.

How to Improve Relationship Communication

• When you defend yourself, you reinforce the idea that your partner is the one who decides whether or not you’re good enough.

• Most arguments are just attempts to extract validation from each other.

• Meaningful communication begins when you stop needing your partner’s agreement and approval.

• Intense emotions are mostly used to manipulate each other.

• When you start arguing, say “I’m gettting defensive, I’ll be back in 20 minutes” then go calm yourself down and try again.

• Ask for what you want and tell your partner what you see. This is called “perception/preference communication.”

• You haven’t been asking for what you want because you don’t want to give your partner a chance to say no.

• If you’re saying a lot of words, you’re probably trying to manipulate someone.

• It takes three words to describe how you feel right now, and eight words to describe how you felt in the past. When you use hundreds of words to “share your feelings” you’re just trying to manipulate your partner.

• If you don’t feel heard, your partner probably just disagrees with you and you don’t want to deal with that.

• If you’ve already explained something twice, doing it a third time isn’t going to help.

The Family you Came From

• Your brain is wired to see your parents as more innocent than they really are, and that makes it easy to see yourself as more innocent than you really are.

• Your brain was designed to survive childhood, not to thrive in adulthood.

• If you want to thrive in adulthood, you have to rewire your brain.

• You don’t get to choose the family you grow up in. Your family’s emotional burden is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

• You will pass your family’s emotional burden on to your children unless you deal with it.

• You can’t see yourself clearly until you can see your parents clearly.

Parenting

• You aren’t as innocent as you think you are.

• Children learn from what you do, not from what you say.

• You are responsible for regulating your emotions and for helping your children regulate their emotions

• Families are anxiety-management machines.

• In a low-functioning family, children act as anxiety absorbers.

• In a high-functioning family, parents act as anxiety absorbers.

• When you don’t deal with your own anxiety, you pass it on to your family.

• Family anxiety concentrates in the family member who has the weakest emotional boundaries. This is often the youngest child, or the most vulnerable child.

• Your child will always operate at fixed percentage of your own maturity. If you want your child to be more mature, you have to become more mature first.

• You don’t get to blame anything on your children.

Sexual Problems in Committed Relationships

• There is always a higher-desire partner and a lower-desire partner (HDP/LDP)

• The LDP controls sex, whether they want to or not.

• All long-term relationships experience sexual desire problems.

• Bad sex is high anxiety and low intimacy

• Good sex is low anxiety and high intimacy

• You can’t negotiate desire.

• Things that kill desire:  anxiety, neediness, shame, guilt, immaturity, dishonesty, cowardice, fragility, and using sex for validation.

• Things that nurture desire:  courage, kindness, honesty, compassion, growing up, and settling down.

• The HDP and LDP contribute equally to sexual problems.

Anger, Frustration, and Resentment

Anger, resentment, and frustration are all the same thing. I’m going to use the word anger here, but feel free to replace it with frustration or resentment if that’s what you usually call it. 

Anger is your body’s emergency self-help solution. When you’re in real trouble, anger is there to help you protect yourself. Anger is a survival mechanism, designed to save us from the worst situations we ever experience. 

Anger only arises when you feel powerless. We get angry a lot because we feel powerless a lot.

When you feel angry, see if you can figure out what’s driving your perception of powerlessness. Next, figure out how much truth there is to that perception. Are you really powerless, or do you just feel that way? 

There are only two ways to feel less angry:  acceptance, and power. If you are truly facing something that is out of your control, your only choice is to accept what is happening. As you accept the reality you are facing, your anger will fade. 

On the other hand, if your perceived powerlessness is an illusion, your anger will fade once you claim your power by taking action. 

In reality, every situation is a combination of these two:  there is always something you can do, and there are also things that are not within your control. The solution to anger is action and acceptance at the same time. 

The reason we resort to anger is that we’re too afraid to take action, and we’re also too afraid to accept what we can’t control. This brings us to a deeper problem:  we get angry because we don’t have enough courage to deal with the problems we face. 

We reach for anger when we run out of courage. Anger and courage are both responses to fear, and anger will always fill in when courage is lacking. 

If you find yourself bound up in anger, frustration, and resentment, courage is the solution. You can develop more courage by acting courageously in small situations, like telling the truth when it would be easier to lie, or not letting your instincts run the show when you know there’s a better way. 

These are the three ways to get less anger in your life:  more courage, more acceptance, and more action. As long as you allow fear to control you, refuse to accept what you cannot change, and fail to take action when appropriate, you will continue to be bound by anger. 

Living at the Bottom of the Ocean

Close your eyes and imagine the coral reef scene from “Finding Nemo.” Picture the fish flitting about, the sun filtering down through the waves, and the bright colors everywhere. 

Now, picture the very different scene at the bottom of the ocean. There is no sunlight, and everything is covered in cold, inky blackness. The fish there have no color, instead they have huge, razor-sharp teeth, and some of them even have lanterns sprouting out of their foreheads. The only rule at the bottom of the ocean is kill or be killed. There is no compassion, courage, or kindness. 

When you get into an argument with your partner, your brain goes to the bottom of the ocean. You become incapable of courage, kindness, and reason; and your brain can think of only one thing:  I have to win. 

What you are experiencing is called a brain regression. Your brain loses its normal functioning ability and goes into survival mode. That would be great if you were actually in a survival situation, but you’re not. 

You started out as a fun, colorful fish at the top of the ocean, and then you became a monster fish at the bottom of the ocean. Your best bet is to swim for the surface. It might help to say to yourself “I’m regressed.” I also like to move my arms like I’m swimming. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s less ridiculous than how I behave when I’m regressed. 

Want to learn more about fixing regression? Read this free PDF book by Dr. David Schnarch.

The Victim Triangle

The Victim Triangle describes three roles we take on in challenging situations: 

1. Victim

• Feels oppressed and powerless, can’t solve problems or make decisions

• Seeks help from rescuers but resists solutions

• Derives sense of self from feeling persecuted

2. Perpetrator

• Controls and manipulates others

• Derives sense of self from feeling superior

3. Rescuer

• Feels compelled to take on burdens that belong to others

• Feels guilty when not helping

• Derives sense of self from feeling needed

All three roles are dysfunctional, and each role enables the other two. It’s common to combine roles and switch between roles.

When you stay in your corner of the triangle, you make it easy for others to stay in their own corners. When you leave your corner, you make it easier for others to leave their corners.

Moving into the victim corner enables perpetrators and rescuers. Moving into the perpetrator or rescuer corner enables victims. 

Courage, kindness, and personal responsibility help you move to the center of the triangle. You can tell which corner you’re in by observing what other people are doing in your life. If the other person is in the victim corner, you’re in the perpetrator or rescuer corner. If the other person is in the rescuer or perpetrator corner, you’re in the victim corner. 

Your power lies in coming out of your own corner, not trying to make them come out of their corner. 

Leaving the the rescuer corner makes it easier for victims to stop being victims. The same is true for leaving the perpetrator corner. Leaving the victim corner makes it harder for perpetrators to take advantage of you. 

There’s no Need to Defend Yourself.

One of the first things I talk to couples about when they come into my office for marriage therapy is that you don't need to defend yourself when your partner criticizes you. Why? Because you don't actually need your partner to see you in a positive light all the time. Sounds crazy, right? But understanding this can completely transform your relationship.

The Self-Defense Trap

When your partner accuses you of something, your first instinct is probably to defend yourself. You think, "If I can just explain myself, they'll understand!" But here's the problem: by jumping to your own defense, you're handing your partner the power to judge you.

Think about it. If you're always trying to prove yourself to your partner, you're essentially saying, "Your opinion of me is what matters most." Before you know it, you're stuck in a dynamic where one person is the "judge" and the other is constantly on trial.

What's Really Going On

Ever noticed a tight feeling in your chest when your partner criticizes you? Or maybe a knot in your stomach? That's your body's stress response kicking in. Along with this physical discomfort comes a feeling that you're not okay, and you desperately need your partner to see you positively.

This distress is what drives us to defend ourselves. We think, "If I can just make them understand, this awful feeling will go away." But here's the thing: as adults, we're actually capable of sitting with this discomfort without acting on it.

Feel more, do less

Let's look at a scene that probably feels familiar:

Sarah says, "You never help around the house! I'm always the one doing all the chores!"

Mike, feeling that tightness in his chest, responds, "That's not true! I did the dishes yesterday and took out the trash last week!"

Mike fell into the self-defense trap. He's trying to prove Sarah wrong, reinforcing the idea that Sarah's judgment of him is what matters most.

But what if it went differently?

Sarah says, "You never help around the house! I'm always the one doing the chores!"

Mike, noticing the discomfort but not reacting to it, looks for the truth in what Sarah’s saying. He also realizes that it’s OK if Sarah sees him that way, because he doesn’t actually need her to see him in a positive light. 

See the difference? Mike isn't trying to change Sarah's mind. He's acknowledging her perception without getting defensive. Mike and Sarah will be better off regardless of whether Mike changes his approach to housework. 

Why This Works

When you stop defending yourself, you're sending a powerful message: "I'm secure enough to handle your opinion of me, even if it's negative." When you're not busy crafting your defense, you're free to really listen to your partner's concerns. And that's when real problem-solving can begin.

Embracing Discomfort

The key to this approach is learning to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. When you feel that tightness in your chest or that knot in your stomach, try this:

1. Name it: "I'm feeling uncomfortable right now."

2. Remind yourself: "This feeling is normal, and I don't have to act on it."

3. Listen: Instead of planning your defense, really hear what your partner is saying.

By allowing yourself to experience that discomfort without immediately reacting, you're showing real emotional maturity. You're saying, "I can handle your perspective of me, even if it's not what I'd like it to be."

Are you Living in Emotional Poverty?

Every family exists somewhere on a spectrum of financial poverty to extreme wealth. There is a similar spectrum for emotional wealth in families. Like most therapists, I was born into emotional poverty, and have spent many years trying to help my family climb out of that pit. Let’s take a look at what families are like at various levels of emotional wealth:

Low Emotional Wealth

A family living in emotional poverty is full of strong negative emotions:

• Family members rely heavily on each other to feel good about themselves and struggle to be independent.

• Family members often feels worried and stressed, which leads to tension and emotional outbursts.

• There’s a lot of walking on eggshells and being really careful what you say and don’t say.

• People in the family blame each other for their problems and react quickly without thinking.

• There's little personal space, so it's hard for family members to separate their own feelings from others'.

• Often, one family member (like a child) develops problems to cope with all the family stress.

• Family members stop talking to each other for days, weeks, months, or even years.

This family finds it hard to deal with changes or solve problems. The smallest emergency, or even a trip to disneyland, will lead to arguments and overwhelming emotions. 

Medium Emotional Wealth

A family with medium emotional wealth works better and has more balance.

• People in this family have a better idea of who they are and don't depend as much on others to feel good about themselves.

• They still worry sometimes, but not as much as families with less emotional wealth.

• This family handles stress and changes better. Big events might still upset them, but they bounce back more easily.

• Family members get along better and can support each other emotionally. They're also more willing to ask others for help when they need it.

This family still has times when they get stressed or react emotionally, but they're better at dealing with challenges. They talk to each other more effectively, solve problems together, and control their emotions better. They're also more accepting of each other's differences and less likely to blame each other when things get tough. 

High Emotional Wealth

A family with high emotional wealth works really well. These families can handle life's challenges with purpose and flexibility.

• Strong Sense of Self: People in this family know who they are. They think for themselves, make their own decisions, and follow their goals without worrying too much about what others think.

• Respect for Differences: This family accepts that everyone is different. They encourage each person to be unique and don't try to force their beliefs on others.

• Emotional Stability: These families don't feel as worried or anxious as families with less emotional wealth. They can control their emotions well, which leads to calmer and happier interactions.

• Good Communication: This family talks openly and honestly. They share their thoughts and feelings respectfully, even when they disagree, and work together to solve conflicts.

• Adaptability: These families can adjust well to change. They see challenges as chances to grow and can change their expectations and behaviors when needed.

• Strong Support: This family has good connections with their extended family and community. They're comfortable asking for help when they need it and also help others.

• Wise Decisions: This family makes decisions based on what's right, not just on how they feel. They think about the long-term effects of their actions and make choices that match their values.

While this family still faces stress and conflicts, they have the emotional tools to handle difficulties well. Their high level of emotional wealth helps them be strong, grow as individuals, and have a satisfying family life.

David Schnarch’s Four Points of Balance

Dr. David Schnarch's Four Points of Balance describe four quadrants of emotional wealth and independence: You can read more about the four points of balance in Dr. Schnarch’s book Intimacy and Desire.

1. Solid Flexible Self: The ability to maintain a clear sense of self while being flexible in relationships.

2. Quiet Mind-Calm Heart: The capacity to self-soothe and manage anxiety, especially in challenging situations.

3. Grounded Responding: The ability to stay calm and respond thoughtfully, rather than react impulsively, especially during conflicts.

4. Meaningful Endurance: The willingness to tolerate discomfort for growth, and to persist in the face of challenges for what matters most.

Solid Flexible Self

Think of your sense of self as a tree. The solid part is the trunk - your core values and beliefs. The flexible part is the branches - able to bend with the wind without breaking.

A Solid Flexible Self means knowing who you are and what you stand for, while still being able to adapt to new situations and relationships. It's about having strong boundaries without being rigid.

People with a Solid Flexible Self don't lose themselves in relationships. They can stand their ground when it matters, but they're not stubborn for the sake of it. They're secure enough to be vulnerable.

Quiet Mind-Calm Heart

Imagine your mind as a pond. A Quiet Mind-Calm Heart is like that pond being still. Not frozen, but calm enough to reflect clearly.

This isn't about suppressing emotions. It's about processing them effectively. It's the ability to face challenges without spiraling into anxiety or making rash decisions.

People with a Quiet Mind-Calm Heart can stay composed under pressure. They make decisions based on clear thinking, not panic. They're not easily rattled by life's inevitable ups and downs.

Grounded Responding

Grounded Responding is the pause between stimulus and response. It's the space where wisdom lives.

Instead of reacting immediately to every provocation, Grounded Responding means taking the time to process before responding. It's about choosing your reactions, not being controlled by them.

People who practice Grounded Responding are less likely to say things they regret in the heat of the moment. They're better at handling conflicts and navigating complex social situations.

Meaningful Endurance

Life isn't always comfortable. Growth rarely is. Meaningful Endurance is about tolerating discomfort for the sake of what matters most.

This isn't about enduring abuse or settling for less. It's about pushing through challenges because you understand the value of the end goal. In relationships, it might mean having difficult conversations. In personal growth, it could be sticking with a new habit even when it's hard.

People with Meaningful Endurance don't give up at the first sign of difficulty. They're committed to long-term growth over short-term