What is a Two-Choice Dilemma
Dr. David Schnarch often talked about “Two-Choice Dilemmas.” A two-choice dilemma arises when you're stuck between two options, both of which present anxieties or negative consequences. It's the feeling of wanting two things but only being able to choose one. These dilemmas are woven into the fabric of life, and especially prevalent in committed relationships like marriage.
1. The Nature of Two-Choice Dilemmas:
We often fantasize about having choices without consequences, seeking solutions that eliminate anxiety altogether. However, this isn't realistic.
Two-choice dilemmas force us to confront the reality that every choice comes with a price. Choosing one option means forfeiting the other, and we must accept the anxieties and potential downsides that come with our decision.
2. Two-Choice Dilemmas and Marriage:
When you get married, your lives become intertwined, and their choices directly impact your own.
This interdependence often leads to wanting to control both your own choices and those of your partner. You want to ensure your partner makes choices that align with your desires, while simultaneously wanting to believe they are acting freely. This is a classic two-choice dilemma.
3. Examples of Two-Choice Dilemmas in Relationships:
Sexual Desire: One partner wants more frequent sex, while the other prefers less. Both partners face anxieties: the higher desire partner fears rejection, while the lower desire partner may feel pressured or obligated.
Having Children: One partner longs to have children, while the other is hesitant or ambivalent. Each faces difficult choices: to pursue parenthood or risk disappointing their partner, or to forgo parenthood and potentially miss out on a desired life experience.
Financial Decisions: Disagreements about spending, saving, or major purchases create a dilemma. One partner may prioritize financial security, while the other values experiences or material possessions. Both face anxieties about financial stability or fulfilling their desires.
In-Law Relationships: Navigating differences in how much time to spend with in-laws, or managing conflicts with them, presents a choice. One partner might prioritize family loyalty, while the other seeks greater independence or boundaries. Both may face anxieties about family harmony or asserting their needs.
4. Dodging Dilemmas and "Stealing Choice":
It's tempting to avoid the discomfort of two-choice dilemmas. We may stall, rationalize, or try to convince our partner to change their stance.
However, dodging dilemmas often involves "stealing choice" from our partner. By refusing to confront our own anxieties and make a decision, we prevent our partner from exercising their own choices and potentially moving forward.
