Communication
for Couples

Lesson 1:
The Ten Second Rule
and the Ten Minute Rule

The Ten-Second Rule: wait ten seconds before responding to your partner during a difficult conversation.

The Ten-Minute Rule: say “I’m feeling defensive, I’ll be back in ten minutes.” Then go calm yourself down so that you can bring the best of yourself back to your partner when you return.

Exercise: write down part of a recent argument in the style of a movie script. Then go back and rewrite what would change if you took ten seconds to think about what you were going to say before you said it. What would you do differently? Can you see how you got sucked into defending yourself?

Lesson 2:
Reveal, don’t Convince

Reveal, don’t convince. You have more power when you reveal what you are thinking without trying to convince your partner you’re right.

Exercise: Write down three times you recently tried to convince your partner. Then write down what it would be life if you revealed instead of convincing.

Lesson 3
Strong Positions and Weak Positions

A strong position is stating something that is yours to define. You get to define your own preferences and perceptions, but you don’t get to define what is right and wrong, or what should and should not happen.

Exercise: Write down three times you have taken a weak position, and then write down the equivalent strong position.

Lesson 4
Complaint to Request

Complaint

  • Focused on the past

  • Unfriendly energy

  • Encourages defensiveness

Request

  • Focused on the future

  • Friendly energy

  • Short, simple

  • No need for justification

Assignment

  1. Write down a recent complaint you have communicated to your partner. Now write down a request that addresses the same issue.

  2. Write down a recent complaint your partner has communicated to you. Now write down a request that addresses the same issue.

Lesson 4
The Quest for Validation

A validation quest is when you try to feel better about who you are by getting your partner’s agreement, approval, or validation.

Exercise

  1. Which of your partner’s usual criticisms hit you the hardest?

  2. What do you say to defend yourself from your partner’s criticism?

  3. If you felt more sure of being good enough, how would you respond differently to your partner’s criticism?