Relationship Communication Issues

I wrote this guide to help you improve communication in your relationship. If you have questions, there is a contact form at the bottom of the page.

Slow Down

The single most powerful thing you can do to improve communication is to slow down. Regardless of what your partner does, slow down. In an argument, there should be more silence than words. Wait at least ten seconds before you respond to anything your partner says. Tell your partner why you are doing this. Don't try to make your partner do the same, but feel free to request that they do it.

During the pauses, take a deep breath, and identify where you feel tension or anxiety in your body, usually in the chest or stomach. Embrace that sensation, and give it permission to stay in your body as long as it needs to be there.

Remind yourself that you are OK, and that this conflict is not as big a deal as it seems. In a few days, you might not even remember exactly what is being said.

When you start to get defensive, say "I'm feeling defensive, I'll be back in 10 minutes." Then go to another room until you've calmed down, before you come back to the conversation. Don't use this tactic as a way to accuse your partner of being defensive. If they're defensive, you probably are too.

When you think of something to talk to your partner about, write it down and look at it again the next day. If it still feels important, consider bringing it up. If it doesn't seem important anymore, just let it go.

Collusive, Combative, and Collaborative Communication

You can break relationship communication down into three styles: collusive, combative, and collaborative. Of the three, collaborative communication is the one that actually works.

Collusive communication focuses on avoiding conflict, not saying what needs to be said, and pretending things are better than they really are. This happens when you can't handle the discomfort of dealing with your feelings, so you avoid important topics instead of addressing them.

The Combative approach focuses on using intense emotions and harsh words to create distance between you and your partner. This is what you see in a typical relationship argument. The things you say are usually designed to hurt each other, not to solve a problem. Your words emerge from a feeling of defensiveness, and from a sense that you are being attacked and your partner is in the wrong.

Collaborative communication is talking about what's most important with courage and kindness. When you communicate collaboratively, you reveal your perception and your preferences to your partner, and you do it without using anger, derision, or harsh words. You make it clear that you have your partner's best interest at heart.

Most of us never saw collaborative communication when we were young, so we don't know how to do it. Learning to communicate in a collaborative way is the foundation of a happy relationship.

Most couples go back and forth between the collusive and combative approaches. They avoid conflict, let the tension build, and then explode into a combative argument. The combative argument doesn't resolve anything, so the cycle starts over again.

Collaborative Communication requires courage and the ability to slow down and stay calm. Sometimes it involves saying things that hurt your partner's feelings, but only after you've considered how important it is to say that thing.

Mind Mapping and Mind Masking

Communication happens all the time, even when you're not talking. You are constantly mapping your partner's mind, and they are mapping yours. You sometimes mask your mind to try to keep your partner from mapping you, and they do the same to you.

When you mask your mind, you are trying to keep your partner from mapping what is actually true about you. This increases anxiety levels in the relationship. When you allow your partner to map your mind accurately, anxiety in the relationship decreases.

Mind masking is a kind of deception, and it decreases trust and increases suspicion in your relationship.

Preference and Perception

Preference and perception are the two most important things to share with your partner. Your preference is what you want, and your perception is what you see. You will often see things about your partner that they can't see about themselves, so sharing your perception helps you both grow.

When you share a preference, make sure you call it what it is. Couples often fall into the trap of telling each other what they should or should not be doing, or what is fair, or good, or righteous, when in fact they're just talking about preferences.

Most of the things you want your partner to do are preferences. It's tempting to pretend that they are more than that, but they're not. One common strategy is to pretend that you won't be OK unless your partner acts a certain way, but this usually isn't true. As an adult, you have a great capacity to take care of yourself, and you don't actually need your partner to behave a certain way for you to be OK. You might have to make some difficult decisions if they do certain things, but in the end you will figure things out and make it work.

Meaning Well

Meaning well is to have your partner's best interest at heart. This sounds normal, but it's not. In normal relationships, people intentionally hurt each other all the time. If you mean well, you might say something that will hurt your partner, but you won't do it until you've carefully considered whether it's worth it or not. If you have something really important to say, it might be worth the cost of causing some pain. If what you have to say isn't that important, it's not worth the cost.

Most relationships are full of small, hurtful things we say to each other as a way to establish dominance, create distance, or get revenge for a perceived harm. We usually pretend that we don't do these things on purpose, but that isn't true. If you've lived with someone for more than a year, you have a really good map of what hurts their feelings. That means that most of the time when you hurt your partner's feelings, you did it on purpose.

Talking about your Feelings

There is a tradition in our culture that it's important to talk about your feelings. It can be useful to share your feelings with your partner, but it's rarely the most useful thing you could be doing. If you feel angry, you're better off figuring out what it is you want, and then talking to your partner about that, instead of telling your partner that you're angry. You could do both, but talking about your feelings often includes the implication that your feelings are your partner's fault, and that isn't true.

Your partner probably knows a lot about what you feel already. If they did something that caused you to feel bad, they probably knew that was going to happen before they did the thing. You can say "you made me feel bad," but that probably won't be new information to them.

It's important to hold onto the idea that you are responsible for everything you feel. Your emotional wellbeing is your responsibility, not your partner's. In a happy relationship, both people care a lot about what the other feels, and are willing to put in a lot of effort to help each other out emotionally. In a normal relationship, both people are actually trying to make the other person feel bad, so talking about feelings is mostly a waste of time.

Creating False Realities

We create false realities when we don't want to deal with what's true about our feelings and our behavior. If I have been treating my partner unfairly, I will create a false reality that somehow justifies that treatment. I might imagine that my partner is the kind of person who deserves to be treated badly, or that I have to do it to protect myself, or that I don't have a choice for some reason.

If I feel intense anger towards my partner, I might imagine that my anger is justified by my partner's behavior. There are situations where that might be true, but the more common pattern is for me to imagine a scenario that justifies my anger, when I'm actually overreacting.

Talking about what's Real

When you help your partner get closer to reality, you will decrease the anxiety and tension in your relationship, at least in the long run. In the short term, you might actually experience increased anxiety as you let go of the false realities you have been using to justify your unkind feelings and unkind behavior.

"I'm just telling the truth" is a common excuse for saying something designed to hurt another person. If you don't have your partner's best interest at heart, telling the truth isn't going to be helpful.

Emotions Matter more than Words

The way you feel about your partner has more impact on them than what you say. You can't really hide your feelings from your partner, so the things you feel are already alive in the relationship, whether or not you talk about them.

The emotional component of relationship communication carries more weight than the actual words that are said. If you see yourself as superior to your partner, there's nothing you could say that would make up for that reality. If you don't have your partner's best interest at heart, there's nothing you can say that will keep your partner from knowing that.

Conclusion

Before you talk to your partner, ask yourself these questions:

• Do I mean well?

• Do I have my partner's best interest at heart?

• What will be the impact if I say this?

• Is this the most important thing to talk about?

When you’re talking to your partner, remember to:  

• Slow down. Take a breath. Take a ten-minute break.

• Check your intentions, check your feelings.

• Reveal yourself to your partner.

• Check for false realities.

• Be responsible for your own feelings.

• Talk about your preference and perception.