Narcissism: Couples Therapy in Roseville, CA

Nothing you do is ever quite right. Your words get reinterpreted. Your feelings are too much. You've stopped asking for your own needs because it always circles back to how hurt they are.

You wonder if you're losing your mind.

You're not. You're living in a dynamic designed to be confusing. The pain you feel is real, and the fact that you're doubting yourself isn't a sign you're broken—it's a sign you're in a system that makes clarity impossible.

I know this from both sides. I've worked with partners trying to survive an impossible dynamic. And I've been the narcissistically-oriented person who didn't see what I was doing until someone refused to let me hide from it anymore. What changed everything for me was one person saying "no more." That refusal cracked open something I needed to see.

This situation is far more nuanced and hopeful than the "just leave" advice you'll find on most therapy websites. There is a path forward—but something has to change.

The Narcissism Spectrum

Narcissism isn't a diagnosis—it's a spectrum. Everyone has some narcissistic traits. Your partner isn't a cartoon villain; they're someone with defensive patterns that made sense once, in a different context.

Three years ago, I accepted that I was unusually narcissistic. I say "unusually" because it's important: this isn't a fixed identity. It's a pattern that can reorganize.

This distinction changes everything. If your partner "is a narcissist," you're stuck—change them (impossible) or leave. But if they have significant narcissistic patterns, the real question is: can these patterns change? What would it take?

Three Components of Narcissistic Functioning

Fragility: Inability to receive feedback without shattering. At 35, a military commander pointed out I needed improvement in one area. I completely fell apart. Underneath my competence was a terrifying question: what if I'm not good enough? The fragile person will rage, withdraw, or attack to avoid that pain. They hear "I felt hurt" as "YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY BAD."

Superiority: A rigid conviction that they see more clearly than others. I arrived at my first day as a therapist convinced I was the best one there. In my marriage, I collected evidence—more education, more money, more rational. The list changed to fit whatever comparison I was making, but the underlying conviction never did. This prevents genuine partnership.

Indifference: The most painful for partners. I thought I loved my wife, but I didn't actually care about her experience. I cared whether she was creating problems for me. Truly considering her needs as equal felt like unbearable loss of control. So I performed caring while remaining fundamentally indifferent. This is why partners feel so alone.

The Root: Narcissism as Defense Against Insufficiency

Narcissism isn't arrogance. It's a defense against a core feeling: I am fundamentally insufficient and unworthy. When someone experiences that level of pain, the brain will do almost anything to escape it. Narcissism is one of the most effective escape routes ever developed. It creates a narrative: You're not insufficient—you're superior.

The problem: the person can't separate who they are from the defenses they built to survive childhood. These survival strategies have become "me." They don't experience narcissism as a defense. They experience it as their identity. This is why change feels like self-destruction.

But here's what makes change possible: personality is a constructed process, not fixed wiring. The defenses were intelligent adaptations then. They're destructive now. And they can reorganize.

How couples therapy can help people grow out of narcissism

A narcissistic person can change when they are faced with genuine courage and compassion at the same time. Couples therapy tends to work better than individual therapy because it allows the therapist to observe and respond to how you treat each other in real time.

Related Reading

Blog Posts:

• A Therapist's Escape from Narcissism

• How to Love a Difficult Person

• The Childhood Survival Bond

• Emotional Manipulation

• Creating False Realities

Resources:

• How Couples Therapy Works

• About Crucible Therapy

Related Topics

Narcissism typically shows up within larger relationship patterns:

• Communication — how narcissistic defensiveness blocks real dialogue

• Infidelity — how narcissistic indifference and lack of accountability fuel betrayal

• Disconnection — the disconnection that results from living with narcissistic patterns

• Codependency — partner patterns that enable narcissistic dynamics

• Threats of Divorce — when narcissistic dynamics escalate to separation

Let's Talk

Phone: 916-292-8920

Book Online: https://james.clientsecure.me/request/service

Location: Roseville, CA (also online)

You don't have to figure this out alone. Your relationship doesn't have to stay the way it is. Let's talk about what change could look like.

James M. Christensen, LMFT Couples Therapy | Roseville, CA Learn more about my approach Call for your free first session: 916-292-8920