Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning

Overfunctioning and underfunctioning are patterns of behavior that can mess up the balance in your relationship. One partner ends up doing way too much (overfunctioning), while the other doesn't do enough (underfunctioning). Think of it like a seesaw that's permanently tilted.

Overfunctioning

When you're the overfunctioner, you feel the need to take control and handle everything in the relationship. You might:

• Anticipate your partner's needs before they even ask. You're like a mind reader, always knowing what they want and jumping to fulfill their needs.

• Give advice even when it's not wanted. You think you're being helpful, but it can come across as controlling and make your partner feel incompetent.

• Become the emotional caretaker. You try to fix their problems and manage their feelings, leaving you emotionally exhausted.

For example: Imagine you're always the one planning dates, making dinner reservations, and organizing weekend activities. You end up feeling like the event planner in your own relationship, and it takes a toll.

Underfunctioning

If you're the underfunctioner, you tend to rely on your partner to make decisions and handle responsibilities. You might:

• Avoid expressing your opinions or preferences. You'd rather go with the flow than assert yourself, even if it means not getting what you want.

• Let your partner handle all the practical stuff. You depend on them to deal with finances, chores, and even emotional support, even if you're capable of doing it yourself.

• Seek constant validation from your partner. You feel insecure and unsure of yourself, needing their reassurance to feel good about yourself.

For example: Imagine your partner manages all the finances, even though you have a job. You never look at the bills or discuss spending, making you feel financially dependent and powerless.

Finding a Healthier Balance

To break this unhealthy cycle, you both need to take responsibility for your actions and work toward greater equality in the relationship.

• If you tend to overfunction: Start by setting boundaries and letting your partner handle more. Resist the urge to jump in and fix things for them. Give them space to figure things out on their own and learn from their mistakes.

• If you tend to underfunction: Start by taking more initiative. Voice your opinions, make decisions, and take on more responsibilities, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Build your self-confidence and learn to handle challenges independently.

Remember, true intimacy requires both partners to be strong and independent while supporting each other. When you're both able to stand on your own two feet, you can create a more fulfilling and passionate relationship.