Parental Dialogues

Every family has unwritten rules about what you don’t say to your parents. A parental dialogue is an imaginary conversation where you break those rules. Dialogues can free your mind from some of the outdated thought patterns that cause problems in adult relationships. To write your first dialogue:

  • Visualize the conversation you need to have, but haven’t had, with one of your parents

  • Reveal your mind so your parent can really see you

  • Imagine what they would say if they were not holding back.

  • Talk to your parent as an equal. Don’t yield to manipulation.

  • Don’t let your parent run the conversation or change the topic. Be hard to get around.

  • If your parent tries to make you feel bad about challenging them, or tries to redirect the conversation, talk to them about what they’re doing. 

  • Try to see the conversation play out in your mind as you imagine it. Dialogues work best as a visual process.

Example:

Me: I want to talk to you how you failed to protect me when I was a child. You knew I was suffering and you didn’t do anything about it. 

Dad: I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry.

Me: Do you know what you’re sorry for?

Dad: I’m so sorry that you were suffering and I didn’t do more to help you. 

Me: When I try to talk to you about this, you tend to reveal as little as you can about what you know you got wrong. You don’t look at it very deeply. 

Dad: I don’t know how to look at it deeply.

Me:  You’re good at learning new things when you want to. You haven’t tried to help me in a serious way.

Dad:  (continue the conversation)

Dialogues usually involve someone who had a significant impact on you in childhood. You can also write dialogues about adult relationships. 

Dialogues help you practice three things: getting inside your parent’s mind, breaking free from restrictions on authentic self-expression, and keeping up with your parent in real time. As your mind gets stronger, you will start to feel more safe and capable in your adult relationships. 

Email me your dialogue at james.m.christensen@gmail.com and I will respond with suggestions and feedback.