Written Mental Dialogues

Imagine the most difficult conversation you could have with one of your parents. What topic would make them feel defensive? You create your first dialogue by visualizing and writing down that imaginary conversation. 

Dealing with Defensiveness

Writing dialogues is a way to practice dealing with the moves people make when they’re feeling defensive. We start with our parents because that’s where we learned to avoid difficult topics. 

If your parent makes defensive moves, talk to them about what they are doing. Talk plainly, without accusation or shame. Be direct and hard to get around, without being mean. 

Don't try to control them or try to make them stop. Just show them that you can see what they are doing. Think about the moves they make. Why are they saying what they're saying? What do they get out of it?

You’re not responsible for your parent’s feelings. Don’t try to make them feel bad, but don’t avoid saying something just because it might make them feel bad. Say what needs to be said. As an adult, you can say things that you couldn’t say when you were young. It’s important to say those things, at least on paper. 

How to start

Start the dialogue by saying, "I want to talk to you about” and name your chosen topic. It should be something that is likely to make them uncomfortable and defensive. This is an imaginary conversation, based on your map of your parent’s mind. Visualize each part of the conversation before you write it down. Write the dialogue like a movie script, identifying your lines and their lines. Make sure you visualize the conversation as you write it. 

How this helps

As a child, your brain learned to avoid topics that would upset your parents. That pattern is helpful in childhood, but harmful in adulthood. This exercise can help you develop the courage and composure you need to handle difficult conversations as an adult. If you find yourself getting frustrated and breaking down during difficult relationship conversations, this exercise can help. 

Writing dialogues also helps you get closer to your parent’s mind. When you write their side of the conversation, you are dealing with the reality of how they think and feel about you. This information was overwhelming to you as a child, but you can handle it as an adult. 

Get feedback

Send me your dialogue at james.m.christensen@gmail.com, or submit them through the client portal. Don’t try to make it perfect, it’s just a first draft. I’ll reply with feedback and suggestions. 

Dialogues are difficult because you are learning a new way to communicate. My most successful clients write dozens of dialogues as they learn to handle defensive moves with courage and kindness.

Learn More

If you’re stuck, chapter 10 of David Schnarch’s free PDF book “Living at the Bottom of the Ocean” is all about dialogues. Download it free at jamesmchristensen.com/read 

The video below is an explanation of written mental dialogues.