How to Write
a Parental Dialogue

All parents have negative impacts on their children, and most parents get defensive when their adult children talk to them about those impacts. Dealing with that defensiveness is good for your brain. 

In this exercise, you're going to be visualizing a difficult conversation with a difficult parent, and then writing it down like a movie script. You can attempt the conversation in real life later on if you want to, but for now, you're just going to write it down 

1. Choose a Topic

  • Choose one topic to talk to your most difficult parent about. Use these questions to help you find a topic:

    • What is the biggest problem in your relationship with one of your parents today?

    • What was the most significant negative impact one of them had on you in the past?

  • Don't worry about choosing the perfect topic. Anything that would be a difficult conversation is good enough to start with.

2. Speak with Power

  • As a child, you probably learned to talk to your parent in a way that was designed to not make them defensive. As an adult, it's important to learn how to talk to difficult people in a way that's both powerful and respectful.

  • Start by saying “I want to talk to you about” and then tell them what your topic is.

  • Be respectful and kind without letting your parent get around you.

  • Your parent will probably make some moves to try to evade their responsibility. Track those moves and talk to them about what you see.

  • Don’t sugar-coat what would really happen. It’s important to practice dealing with the worst your parents have to offer.

3. Don’t Manipulate

  • Talk to your parent about what you see and what you want, but don't try to make them change

  • Minimize shame and guilt as much as possible

  • Speak powerfully by using fewer words and saying things in a simple, direct way

4. Write it like a Movie Script

For example:
James:  I want to talk to you about. . . (your topic here)
Mom:  I guess I’m just a horrible mother (or whataver she would say)
James: You’re claiming a victim position instead of taking a look at what I’m saying (or whatever you would say)

5. Get Feedback

  • As you visualize the conversation, write it down line by line like a movie script

  • Once you have it written down, email it to me: james.m.christensen@gmail.com

  • I will reply with feedback to help you see speak more powerfully and see yourself more clearly

  • This exercise is about writing down an imaginary conversation, not about having an actual conversation with one of your parents.

  • Don’t shoot for perfection. I’ll send you feedback to help you take a more powerful stance in your next dialogue.

  • Keep going. My most successful clients write a lot of dialogues. It’s a powerful way to update the programming in your brain.