Balance your Brain

The left and right halves of your brain are good at different things. The right side is good at understanding and appreciating people, while the left side is good at using things. There are also lots of other differences, but this is the difference that matters most in couples therapy.

When your brain is balanced, everything works fine. You use your right brain to deal with people, and your left brain to deal with things.

When your left brain takes over, it creates problems like:

• trying to control or manipulate others (handling people like you would handle a thing)

• losing touch with reality (the left brain struggles to stay grounded)

• arguing about things that don’t really matter (the left brain isn’t good at prioritizing)

• feeling a lot of anger, frustration, and resentment (The three left-brain emotions)

Here are some ways to balance your brain

• sing

• dance

• read a poem

• go outside

• exercise

• do yoga

• clap your hands

• say an earnest prayer

• invent a secret handshake

• tell a really good story

• tell a joke that’s actually funny

• look deep into someone’s eyes

• look at yourself in the mirror for a long time

• Feel any emotion other than anger, frustration, or resentment

• do any kind of full-body movement, like jumping jacks

• close your eyes, tilt your head back, and take a very deep breath

I start every couples therapy session with a poem because it helps me balance my brain. During therapy sessions, I often pause, close my eyes, and take a deep breath, for the same reason. 

When I feel angry, frustrated, or resentful, it’s a sign that my brain is getting unbalanced, which means that my ability to appreciate and understand other people is diminished. 

It’s not always practical to burst into song, so I’ve learned a few ways to rebalance my brain without having to move my whole body:

• think of a beautiful melody

• close my eyes and take a deep breath

• hum a tune under my breath

• gently stroke my right arm with my left hand

• picture a beautiful place

• imagine someone dancing or twirling around

When your brain is balanced, you’ll find it easier to understand why people do what they do. People start to make sense to you, and it seems obvious that attempts at control and manipulation will not work in the long run. You gain more appreciation for the people around you, and especially for your partner. You’re less angry, less resentful, and less frustrated. 

Balancing your brain is a lifelong pursuit. You don’t have to give up any of your left-brain abilities, you will just learn to use them only when it makes sense. When people are involved, your left brain will learn to yield to the wisdom and understanding of your right brain, and everything will start to work out better for you. 

If you want to learn more, read the short book Ways of Attending by Iain McGilchrist. If you like that, you’ll love his longer book The Master and his Emmissary.