7 Things I learned from Dr. David Schnarch
Dr. David Schnarch created Crucible Therapy and is one of my heroes. His writing has helped me save my own marriage, and help other couples do the same.
Nobody's ready for marriage; marriage makes you ready for marriage. Schnarch believed that marriage is a journey of self-discovery. It's not about finding the perfect person; it's about growing together and learning to be a better partner. Marriage challenges you to become more mature, responsible, and understanding.
Differentiation means being able to stand up for what you believe in, even when your partner or other important people in your life pressure you to conform. It's about calming yourself down, not letting your anxiety take over, and not overreacting. Schnarch's own experience in graduate school taught him the importance of differentiation.
Embrace your sexual potential. Schnarch emphasized that everyone has sexual potential, but many people are afraid to explore it. He believed that good sex requires emotional maturity and vulnerability. It's not just about technique; it's about being open and honest with your partner and yourself.
Intimacy isn't easy. Schnarch believed that true intimacy requires courage and a willingness to be vulnerable. It's about being able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner, even if it's scary. Schnarch emphasized that intimacy isn't about constant bliss; it's about navigating the ups and downs of a relationship with love and respect.
Sexual desire problems are common. Schnarch recognized that most couples will experience sexual desire problems at some point. He believed that these problems are often rooted in deeper emotional issues, such as fear of intimacy or a lack of differentiation. Schnarch developed a therapeutic approach called Crucible® Neurobiological Therapy to help couples address these underlying issues.
Deal with emotional regressions. Schnarch used the analogy of "living at the bottom of the ocean" to describe emotional regressions, which are moments when we revert to immature or unhealthy behaviors. He believed that we can learn to recognize these regressions and develop strategies to manage them, such as mindfulness and self-soothing.
Therapy is a journey of growth. Schnarch viewed therapy as a process of self-discovery and growth. He believed that successful therapy requires a willingness to face difficult emotions and to challenge your own beliefs. Schnarch emphasized that therapists must also be willing to grow and learn from their clients.
