There’s no Need to Defend Yourself.
One of the first things I talk to couples about when they come into my office for marriage therapy is that you don't need to defend yourself when your partner criticizes you. Why? Because you don't actually need your partner to see you in a positive light all the time. Sounds crazy, right? But understanding this can completely transform your relationship.
The Self-Defense Trap
When your partner accuses you of something, your first instinct is probably to defend yourself. You think, "If I can just explain myself, they'll understand!" But here's the problem: by jumping to your own defense, you're handing your partner the power to judge you.
Think about it. If you're always trying to prove yourself to your partner, you're essentially saying, "Your opinion of me is what matters most." Before you know it, you're stuck in a dynamic where one person is the "judge" and the other is constantly on trial.
What's Really Going On
Ever noticed a tight feeling in your chest when your partner criticizes you? Or maybe a knot in your stomach? That's your body's stress response kicking in. Along with this physical discomfort comes a feeling that you're not okay, and you desperately need your partner to see you positively.
This distress is what drives us to defend ourselves. We think, "If I can just make them understand, this awful feeling will go away." But here's the thing: as adults, we're actually capable of sitting with this discomfort without acting on it.
Feel more, do less
Let's look at a scene that probably feels familiar:
Sarah says, "You never help around the house! I'm always the one doing all the chores!"
Mike, feeling that tightness in his chest, responds, "That's not true! I did the dishes yesterday and took out the trash last week!"
Mike fell into the self-defense trap. He's trying to prove Sarah wrong, reinforcing the idea that Sarah's judgment of him is what matters most.
But what if it went differently?
Sarah says, "You never help around the house! I'm always the one doing the chores!"
Mike, noticing the discomfort but not reacting to it, looks for the truth in what Sarah’s saying. He also realizes that it’s OK if Sarah sees him that way, because he doesn’t actually need her to see him in a positive light.
See the difference? Mike isn't trying to change Sarah's mind. He's acknowledging her perception without getting defensive. Mike and Sarah will be better off regardless of whether Mike changes his approach to housework.
Why This Works
When you stop defending yourself, you're sending a powerful message: "I'm secure enough to handle your opinion of me, even if it's negative." When you're not busy crafting your defense, you're free to really listen to your partner's concerns. And that's when real problem-solving can begin.
Embracing Discomfort
The key to this approach is learning to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. When you feel that tightness in your chest or that knot in your stomach, try this:
Name it: "I'm feeling uncomfortable right now."
Remind yourself: "This feeling is normal, and I don't have to act on it."
Listen: Instead of planning your defense, really hear what your partner is saying.
By allowing yourself to experience that discomfort without immediately reacting, you're showing real emotional maturity. You're saying, "I can handle your perspective of me, even if it's not what I'd like it to be."
