Differentiation in Crucible Therapy

Differentiation is the ability to remain true to yourself and connected to your partner at the same time. It’s what allows you to have both freedom and connection. Differentiation is not about becoming an island, isolating yourself from your partner, or pushing them away to assert your independence. Instead, it's about becoming more solid in yourself so you can be closer to your partner without losing your sense of self.

Think of differentiation like developing a strong spine. It allows you to stand tall and move freely, even when you’re leaning on someone for support. The more differentiated you are, the closer you can be to your partner without feeling like you're los ing yourself or being controlled.

Dr. David Schnarch described Four Points of Balance that contribute to differentiation:

• Solid Flexible Self: You have a strong sense of who you are, what you believe in, and what you value––independent of your partner's opinions. This doesn’t mean being rigid or inflexible. It's about having a core set of values that you can hold onto while also being open to learning and growing.

• Quiet Mind and Calm Heart: You can manage your own anxiety and emotions without becoming overwhelmed or relying on your partner to soothe you. You develop the ability to self-soothe and regulate your internal state.

• Grounded Responding: You don't overreact to your partner’s emotions or try to control their reactions to manage your own anxiety. You can stay present and engaged in the relationship even when things get intense. You learn to detach from your partner’s anxiety and respond in a calm, thoughtful way.

• Meaningful Endurance: You can tolerate discomfort and work through challenges without giving up or running away. You understand that growth often involves pain and are willing to push through difficult situations to reach a deeper level of intimacy and connection.

Differentiation is a challenging process that often triggers anxiety and resistance, both in yourself and your partner. But it's essential for creating a healthy, passionate, and fulfilling relationship. When both partners become more differentiated, you can experience true intimacy––a deep connection based on mutual respect, understanding, and a shared desire for growth.

Traumatic Mind Mapping in Crucible Therapy

Traumatic Mind Mapping

You have an innate ability to understand what’s happening in other people’s minds, what Dr. David Schnarch called mind mapping. You use it to navigate social situations, build relationships, and even protect yourself from harm. But what happens when this essential skill turns against you?

According to Dr. Schnarch, Traumatic mind mapping occurs when you try to understand someone’s mind, and what you see is so horrifying, so disturbing, that it traumatizes you. It’s a form of PTSD, most common in abusive relationships, where your abuser’s thoughts and intentions are consistently harmful. It’s like peering into someone’s soul and seeing a monster staring back.

Spaghetti Brain

Imagine you are trying to read your abuser’s mind. You are desperately seeking some sign of love or compassion. But what do you find? Coldness, manipulation, and a desire to control.  The shock of this realization can cause your mind to short-circuit, leading to a state called “spaghetti brain.” Your thinking becomes foggy, slow, and disorganized. You may struggle to focus, find it hard to form words, or lose your ability to think critically.

This is because the part of your brain responsible for mind mapping goes offline in the face of overwhelming emotional distress. You’re left vulnerable and confused, unable to process what’s happening or protect yourself.

The Long-Term Impact

The effects of traumatic mind mapping can last long after you’ve escaped the abusive situation. You may experience:

• Memory gaps: You might not remember the traumatic event at all. Or, you recall the events but can’t access the mind-mapping data—the disturbing thoughts and intentions you witnessed in your abuser’s mind—that made the experience so traumatic.

• Hypervigilance: You might become overly suspicious of everyone, constantly scanning for signs of danger, even in safe situations. This is called “anticipatory traumatic mind mapping” – you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, bracing for the next attack.

• A Cruel Inner Voice: A harsh inner critic might constantly berate and belittle you. This voice can feel like your own, but it’s often a distorted echo of your abuser’s voice, imprinted in your mind through repeated traumatic mind mapping.

• Antisocial Empathy: You might start feeling a sense of satisfaction or even pleasure in other people’s pain. This disturbing shift in empathy is often a result of being repeatedly exposed to cruelty—you’ve learned to be cruel by mirroring your abuser.

Mind Mapping in Crucible Therapy

Mind mapping is your brain's ability to create a mental picture of what's going on in someone else's mind. It's like you're building a map of their thoughts, feelings, motivations, knowledge, and beliefs. You use mind mapping to try and predict what someone will do next. You use this ability constantly, but especially in relationships, to try and figure out what your partner wants and whether they want to be with you.

Mind mapping is a skill that starts developing in early childhood. Even as a baby, you're already paying attention to other people's focus and trying to understand their intentions. By the time you're a toddler, you start to understand that figuring out what someone wants can help you predict how they will act. You use the older, more emotional parts of your brain to do this, but as you grow, you get better at understanding other people's thoughts, beliefs, and knowledge.

Your ability to mind map becomes more complex as you mature. You learn how to "read between the lines" and detect things like sarcasm. You also start to realize that people aren't always what they seem, and that sometimes they're hiding their true intentions. This is where mind masking comes in.

Mind masking is the ability to hide your true thoughts and feelings from others. It's like putting on a mask to conceal your true intentions. Everyone mind masks to some degree, whether it's to protect their privacy or to avoid conflict.

People who grow up in difficult or dysfunctional families often develop expert mind masking skills because they learn to protect themselves from being controlled or manipulated. They also develop strong mind mapping skills because they've had to learn to read their abuser's minds in order to survive.

Mind masking can be used for both positive and negative purposes:

• You might use it to surprise someone or to protect someone's feelings by telling a white lie.

• You can also use it to manipulate and deceive others.

In relationships, mind masking can cause problems if you and your partner are both trying to hide your true feelings while simultaneously trying to read each other's minds. This can lead to anxiety and frustration as you both constantly try to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling.

Couples Counseling: Gottman vs EFT

Here are the main differences between Gottman and EFT, the two most popular approaches to couples counseling in the United States:

• What They Focus On

  • Gottman: Works on changing harmful communication patterns and building stronger friendship between partners. Uses structured exercises to teach new relationship skills.

  • EFT: Focuses on building emotional safety by helping couples understand their deeper needs. Explores vulnerable feelings and works to change negative patterns at an emotional level.

• Skills vs. Feelings

  • Gottman: Teaches specific tools for handling conflict (like speaking gently, taking breaks, listening well) and showing appreciation. While emotions matter, it's more about learning practical skills.

  • EFT: Strongly emphasizes emotional experiences and building secure attachment. While communication skills are part of it, the main focus is exploring feelings and building emotional connection.

• How Sessions Work

  • Gottman: Uses structured activities, relationship questionnaires ("Love Maps"), and practice of new communication skills. Sessions feel more like coaching with specific exercises and worksheets.

  • EFT: Follows three stages: identifying negative patterns, exploring deeper emotions, and building secure connection. Sessions are more open-ended and focus on processing emotions in real time.

As a therapist, I prefer Crucible Therapy over both Gottman and EFT.

What to expect from Gottman Couples Counseling

Here's what you can expect from Gottman Couples Counseling:

Gottman Relationship Therapy starts with a "getting to know you" phase. First, you and your partner will meet with your therapist together to talk openly about your relationship. You'll discuss what brought you to therapy, what's working well in your relationship, and what problems you're facing. This gives your therapist a good overview of your situation. Then, each of you will have a private, one-on-one meeting with the therapist. During these individual sessions, you can share your personal thoughts, concerns, and hopes for the relationship without worrying about how your partner might react. You'll also complete some detailed questionnaires that help identify specific strengths in your relationship and areas that need attention.

After gathering all this information, your therapist will have a special feedback session with both of you. They'll explain what they've learned about your relationship patterns - both the positive ones that help your relationship grow and the negative ones that might be causing problems. For example, they might point out how you handle arguments, show affection, or support each other during tough times. The therapist will explain how these patterns match up with what research shows about successful relationships. Then together, you'll decide what specific things you want to work on in therapy.

The next big part of therapy focuses on learning and practicing new relationship skills. You'll work on three main areas:

First, you'll focus on building a stronger friendship. This involves learning more about each other's lives, hopes, and dreams through special activities called "Love Maps." You'll practice asking each other meaningful questions and showing genuine interest in each other's world. You'll also learn how to notice and express appreciation for the good things your partner does, which helps create a more positive atmosphere in your relationship.

Second, you'll learn better ways to handle conflicts and communicate. Your therapist will help you identify harmful communication patterns like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling (shutting down). Then you'll learn healthier ways to express your feelings and needs. For example, instead of attacking your partner with criticism, you'll learn how to bring up problems gently in a way that's more likely to get a positive response. You'll also learn how to listen better to each other and how to calm down when discussions get heated.

Third, you'll develop better problem-solving skills. Some problems in relationships can be solved completely, while others keep coming back because they're tied to basic differences in personalities or values. Your therapist will help you tell the difference between these types of problems and teach you different strategies for handling each kind. For ongoing issues, you'll learn how to have productive discussions that help you understand the deeper meaning behind your disagreements and find ways to live with your differences.

Throughout therapy, you'll practice these new skills both during your sessions and at home. Your therapist will watch how you interact and give you helpful feedback to improve. They might stop you during an argument to point out old patterns and suggest better ways to communicate. This real-time coaching helps you replace unhealthy habits with more positive ones.

You'll also spend time exploring what gives meaning to your relationship. This might include talking about your shared values, creating special rituals (like regular date nights or holiday traditions), and discussing your roles and goals as a couple. These conversations help create a deeper sense of connection and shared purpose in your relationship.

As you near the end of therapy, you'll work with your therapist to make sure your progress sticks. You'll review what you've learned and make a specific plan for maintaining your improvements. This might include scheduling regular check-in conversations with each other, planning how to handle future conflicts, and identifying warning signs that old patterns are creeping back. Your therapist might also suggest occasional "tune-up" sessions to help you stay on track.

I don’t use Gottman because I think Crucible Therapy works better, but I do get a lot of requests for Gottman therapy, so I wanted to include a writeup of what it’s like. In the end what matters most is the skill of the therapist, not the exact approach they are using.

The Myth of Parental Innocence

When you were young, your brain was hard-wired to seek connection and care from an adult. For most of us, it was one or both of our parents. As you grew, your brain learned a lot from your parents, or whoever it was who filled that role in your life. You learned about what it means to care for a person, how to get what you want, and what to do when you don’t get what you want. These were life-and-death lessons at the time. You needed someone to look after you, because you weren’t equipped to survive on your own. You also needed someone to teach you how to handle adult relationships and responsibilities.

Some of what you learned from your parents was helpful, and some of it was harmful. As an adult, it’s your responsibility to sort through what you learned as a child, especially if you are raising children of your own. In normal families, parents pass down to their own children the relationship patterns they learned in childhood. One of the hardest things we can do in adulthood is to really deal with the brain programming we received as children.

As a child, your brain was programmed to see your parents as more innocent than they really were. This filter makes sense from an evolutionary point of view, because it increases a child’s chance of surviving into adulthood. Children who ran away from abusive parents a thousand years ago were less likely to survive into adulthood, so over many centuries our brains got preconditioned to ignore bad parenting.

Because of this filter, your brain categorized some of your parents’ worst behavior as normal and acceptable, and your parents probably amplified the distortion by insisting that they were always acting in your best interest. The parental innocence filter is useful in childhood, but it’s harmful in adulthood because it affects more than just how you see your parents — it changes how you see everyone, and especially how you see yourself.

It’s hard to avoid your parents’ mistakes if your brain is keeping you from seeing those mistakes clearly. Parental immaturity is the water we grow up swimming in, and if we’re not careful, we end up constructing a very similar environment for our own children.

Dr. David Schnarch used two exercises to help couples understand and overcome their parental innocence filter. The first exercise is called revisualization: picture a memory from childhood in your mind. Focus on the visual memory you have of the people in the scene. Try to imagine their facial expressions, and see if you can figure out what they were thinking and feeling.

As you revisualize your memory, see if your previous interpretation of what happened still makes sense. Given what you know about your parental innocence filter, has your brain been hiding something from you? One of the most common results of the filter is the idea that your parents didn’t understand the emotional impact they were having. This “ignorance is bliss approach” makes childhood easier, but it also makes it more likely that you will inflict similar things on your own children.

Schnarch’s second exercise is the written mental dialogue. Imagine a conversation with one of your parents, the kind of conversation where you say things that might make one them uncomfortable. This exercise involves writing down that kind of conversation as if it were a movie script. You focus on taking straight to your parent, saying the things that you weren’t allowed to say as a child. It’s not about being cruel or unkind — it’s about standing up for yourself and talking straight to the person who trained your brain.

This exercise helps you get closer to your parent’s brain, and take a look at it from an adult perspective. It also helps you face the reality of how hard it is to be clear about what went on between the two of you. This is true if you had abusive parents, and it’s also true if you had normal parents. Parenting tends to bring out the worst in us, and all parents treat their children poorly some of the time. This happened to you too, and it had an impact on your brain. If you want to learn how to treat or own children better, you have to first face the reality of how your parents treated you. There were things that your young brain protected you from, and those things are getting in the way of you becoming the person you want to be.

David Schnarch on Revisualization

Revisualizations are a core technique in David Schnarch’s Crucible Neurobiological Therapy aimed at resolving steady-state regressions—that persistent state of emotional reactivity that keeps you stuck. It involves re-experiencing past events visually, focusing on the sensory details and emotions of the experience rather than simply recalling a narrative or story. It's about tapping into your implicit memory (SAM), where raw sensory information and emotional imprints are stored, and integrating those experiences with your explicit memory (VAM), where you make sense of events and create narratives.

Here's the process:

1. Choosing the Scene:

• Identify a past event that evokes strong emotions when you think about it. This could be an interaction with a specific person (parent, spouse, sibling, etc.) or a situation that left a lasting impact.

• It's often helpful to start with vivid memories, even if they're not directly related to your current challenges.

1. Setting the Stage:

• Find a quiet space where you won't be disturbed.

• Close your eyes and allow the scene to unfold organically. Don't try to force it or control the imagery. Let your mind naturally drift back to the setting.

• Focus on the sensory details: What do you see? What are the colors, shapes, and textures? What do you hear? Are there any specific smells or tastes? Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body.

1. Watching the Interaction:

• Observe the people in the scene, including yourself. Pay close attention to their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.

• Don't analyze or interpret what's happening. Just observe as if you're watching a movie.

• Pay attention to what you can't see. Are there any missing pieces of information? Are certain people absent? What happens next that isn't in the image? These gaps can often reveal important insights.

1. Shifting Perspectives:

• Experiment with viewing the scene from different perspectives:

  • First-Person: Watch the scene as if you're experiencing it through your own eyes.

  • Third-Person: Imagine you're a fly on the wall, observing the interaction from an outside perspective.

• Shifting perspectives can help you get unstuck if you're having trouble accessing certain memories or if certain details are blocked.

1. Mapping Their Mind:

• As you watch the scene, try to step into the shoes of the other person involved. Imagine what they're thinking, feeling, and wanting in that moment.

• Consider their motivations: What are they trying to achieve with their words and actions?

• Don't make assumptions or project your own thoughts and feelings. Base your understanding on their observed behaviors and your knowledge of their personality.

1. Repeating and Integrating:

• Repeat the revisualization process with the same scene or different scenes as needed. Each time, you may uncover new details or gain new insights.

• Allow the insights from the revisualizations to inform your understanding of the present. How do those past experiences influence your current relationships and behaviors?

Important Considerations

• Be Patient: Revisualizations take time and practice. Don't get discouraged if you don't experience immediate breakthroughs.

• Be Mindful of Your Window of Tolerance: If the revisualizations become too overwhelming or trigger intense emotional distress, take a break or consult with a therapist.

• Stay Grounded: Remember that the goal is to gain insight, not to dwell in the past or to blame others.

• Apply the Insights to Real Life: The ultimate goal of revisualizations is to use the insights you gain to make positive changes in your current relationships and behaviors.

Revisualizations, combined with other techniques like written dialogues, can be powerful tools for resolving steady-state regressions, fostering differentiation, and developing a stronger sense of self. They allow you to reclaim your personal narrative and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

David Schnarch on Written Mental Dialogues

Written mental dialogues are a key technique in David Schnarch’s Crucible Neurobiological Therapy (CNT). Imagine writing a conversation resembling a play script where you engage in a back-and-forth with a person who has caused you significant emotional distress, such as a parent, spouse, sibling, or coworker. This method, primarily a right-brain activity, helps integrate implicit memories with explicit memories, fostering self-awareness and resolving steady-state regressions — a persistent state of emotional reactivity that keeps you stuck in unhealthy behavioral patterns.

The goal of these dialogues is not to win an argument, change the other person, or force an apology. Instead, the focus is on gaining a deeper understanding of their thought processes, motivations, and tactics, and in turn, developing stronger, more effective responses to their manipulative behaviors.

Here's a step-by-step breakdown of the process:

1. Write Your Initial Dialogues:

   • Select a specific scenario or unresolved conflict involving this challenging person. Imagine it unfolding in your mind.

   • Write the dialogue as it plays out, without censoring or editing your thoughts. Focus on capturing the natural flow of the interaction and how each of you would respond in the moment.

   • Base the other person's responses on your knowledge of their personality, their past actions, and how they've typically reacted in similar situations.

2. Analyze Your Dialogues:

   • Carefully study the written conversation. Look for patterns and insights into both your behavior and the other person's behavior.

     • Identify their "moves": What are they trying to accomplish with their words and actions? Are they trying to make you feel guilty, defensive, or confused? Understanding their tactics will help you develop more effective counter-moves.

     • Evaluate your own responses: Are you hesitant? Indirect? Overly accommodating? Are you showing fear or avoiding confrontation? Do you fall into predictable patterns of weakness or avoidance that contribute to your emotional reactivity?

3. Improve Your Responses:

   • Strive to develop "gold-standard" responses. These responses are:

     • Clear

     • Direct

     • Assertive

   • While such responses might initially upset the other person, the goal is to clearly state your needs and boundaries without getting pulled into their manipulations.

4. Deal with Increasing Challenges:

   • As your responses become stronger and more assertive in the dialogue, the other person might also become more challenging or resort to new tactics. This is actually a sign of progress! It shows you're pushing against their ingrained patterns.

   • Remember, written dialogues provide a safe space to "practice" these difficult conversations. Don't be afraid to experiment with different responses and see how the dynamic shifts.

5. Identify and Address the "Lynchpin":

   • As you progress, pay close attention to topics or questions you consistently avoid in the dialogues. These "lynchpins" often represent core issues or fears that fuel your steady-state regression and keep you feeling stuck.

   • Addressing these lynchpins head-on within the dialogue can be profoundly transformative. It allows you to confront the root of your emotional reactivity.

6. Practice in Real Life:

   • The ultimate goal of this exercise is to take the insights and skills you've gained from the written dialogues and apply them to real-life interactions with the challenging person.

   • With practice, you'll become more adept at:

     • Recognizing their manipulative "moves"

     • Staying grounded in your own sense of self

     • Responding in ways that promote healthy communication and personal growth

The process of written mental dialogues is iterative. It takes time, patience, and a willingness to confront difficult emotions and ingrained patterns. You can learn more by downloading a free copy of Dr. Schnarch’s last book, Living at the Bottom of the Ocean

What is Normal Marital Sadism?

Normal marital sadism (NMS) is the emotional torture partners inflict on each other within a marriage. It is a common occurrence in marriage and often plays out in a couple's sex life. It can involve saying hurtful things, withholding important information, or subtly coercing, pressuring, manipulating, or demeaning one’s partner.

Normal marital sadism is distinct from physical domestic violence. It involves inflicting psychological pain and abuse, but stops short of physical abuse. However, NMS occurs far more frequently than physical abuse.

Examples of normal marital sadism include:

• Saying hurtful things

• Withholding important information

• Strategic maneuvering

• Coercing

• Pressuring

• Manipulating

• Demeaning

• Withholding sex

• Faking orgasms

• Deliberately thinking about other things during sex

• Sending sexual vibes to a partner’s friends

Normal marital sadism is fueled by a number of factors, including:

• Regression: When people are regressed, they have poor impulse control and do not see their partners as separate people.

• Emotional fusion: Emotionally fused couples are more likely to engage in NMS because they are dependent on each other for validation and anxiety regulation.

• Power imbalances: Therapists may overlook NMS when there is a power imbalance in the relationship. However, NMS is still harmful, even if it is perpetrated by the “underdog.”

Confronting normal marital sadism is a key part of building a healthier relationship. Therapists should be aware of NMS and be able to help couples identify and address it. When couples are able to confront and overcome NMS, they can begin to develop a more loving and respectful relationship.

8 Ways to Improve Relationship Communication

1. Hit the Pause Button (10 Seconds or 10 Minutes)

Before reacting to your partner, take a beat. There's magic in a well-timed pause. I like to think of two types:

• The 10-Second Pause: This is your quick breather. Take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and then respond. This helps prevent blurting out something you might regret.

• The 10-Minute Pause: Feeling overwhelmed? Getting heated? This is your emergency brake. Tell your partner, "I'm feeling upset/flooded/defensive. I'll be back in 10 minutes." This gives you space to cool down and prevents a full-blown argument. It also lets your partner know that you are coming back, which can ease their worries.

2. State Your Intention

Before launching into a conversation, ask yourself: What do I hope to achieve? Being clear about your intention—both to yourself and your partner—can prevent you from falling into common traps. Are you actually looking for agreement? Approval? Are you simply venting anxiety? Maybe you're not even sure. Defining your intention brings focus and clarity to the conversation.

3. Feelings Speak Louder Than Words

The emotions you bring to a conversation have a far more significant impact than the specific words you choose. Your partner can sense your underlying feelings, whether it's anger, indifference, or genuine care. Trying to manipulate your partner's perception with clever wording doesn’t work in the long run. 

4. Focus on the Now: Present Over Past

Here's a fascinating fact about memory: when we're emotionally charged, our brains tend to reconstruct memories that reinforce our current feelings. So, if you're angry with your partner, your mind will dig up past events to "prove" your anger is justified. Conversely, positive emotions will bring up positive memories.

The point? Arguing about the past is often a smokescreen. Your current feelings are likely rooted in something happening now, even if your brain tries to convince you otherwise. Instead of fixating on past grievances, take time to understand what your partner might be doing in the present that's triggering those negative feelings.

5. Request Over Complaint

Complaints dwell on the past, are critical, and are drenched in negative emotion. Requests are about the future, involve positive emotions, and are non-critical.

Complaints sound like this: "You never do this," "You always do that."

Requests sound like this: "I would like you to do this," "I don't want you to do that."

See the difference? Your partner can't change the past, but they can change their future actions.

Requests are harder because they require you to figure out exactly what you want and to admit you need your partner's help. But it's worth the effort. Be clear, be kind, and understand they might say no (or say yes and not follow through). That's part of the deal.

6. Reveal, dont’ Convince

Focus on revealing your inner world to your partner. Share your observations, your perceptions of yourself and them, and your desires. In other words, reveal your perception and your preferences.

• Perception: What do you see in yourself, your partner, and the world?

• Preference: What do you want from your partner? How do you want them to treat you?

⠀This approach can be especially helpful for high-conflict couples. Limiting communication to perception and preference helps avoid complaints, manipulation, and other unproductive patterns.

7. Let Go of Defensiveness

When you get defensive, you're essentially handing your partner the power to determine your worth. It reveals an internal struggle—you feel you need their approval to feel okay.

Instead, cultivate curiosity. Listen to their criticism with an open heart and mind. You don't have to agree, but you don't have to fight it either. Remember, you are the ultimate judge of your own character. You decide what kind of person you want to be, and you can take your partner's feedback into account without basing your entire self-worth on it.

8. Embrace Disagreement

Most arguments boil down to a desperate need for agreement and approval. But guess what? It's okay to disagree! It's okay if your partner doesn't approve of everything you do or think.

Of course, some decisions require a unified front (buying a house, having kids, etc.). But most of the time, seeking agreement is unnecessary. Every time you allow your partner to disagree without fighting for their approval, your relationship (and your sense of self) grows stronger.

Eyes-Open Sex

Eyes-open sex is a pathway to deeper intimacy and connection with your partner. It involves looking into your partner's eyes and allowing them to truly see you, not just your physical body, but also your emotional and psychological self.

• It is a powerful form of mind mapping. By gazing into your partner's eyes, you are inviting them to map your mind and understand your eroticism on a deeper level.

• It pushes you to confront your fears of intimacy and vulnerability. You may experience discomfort, anxiety, and a heightened awareness of yourself as a separate individual. This can be especially challenging if you are accustomed to tuning out your partner during sex.

• It can be incredibly intimate and erotic. When both partners are open to the experience, eyes-open sex can lead to a profound sense of connection and shared pleasure. It can make familiar sexual behaviors feel new and exciting.

• It can be practiced in stages. If opening both eyes feels too intense, you can start with "peekaboo," where you open one eye at a time to gradually acclimate to the experience.

• It can lead to eyes-open orgasm. This is the most intense form of eyes-open sex, where you reach orgasm while gazing into your partner's eyes. This requires a high level of self-acceptance and comfort with vulnerability, and may take time and practice to achieve.

How Higher-Desire Partners Contribute to Sexual Problems

When a couple struggles with differing levels of sexual desire, it’s easy to assume that the partner with a lower desire (LDP) is solely responsible for the issue. However, the partner with higher desire (HDP) contributes just as much to the problem. The HDP often struggles with a deep need for validation from their partner, and when that validation isn’t received (in the form of sexual interest), it triggers a cycle of pressure and resentment that only makes things worse.

Think of it like this: the LDP might control how often sex happens, but the HDP’s reaction to that control is what fuels the fire. Their insecurities and anxieties get amplified, and they often end up pushing their partner further away without realizing it. This is all tied to a concept called differentiation, which is basically the ability to be comfortable with yourself, regulate your emotions, and not get overly dependent on your partner for your sense of worth.

Here’s how the HDP contributes to sexual problems:

• Craving Validation: The HDP might be looking to their partner to confirm their attractiveness, lovability, or sexual skills. When the LDP isn’t interested in sex, the HDP might interpret it as personal rejection, feeling inadequate, unwanted, or resentful.

• Piling on the Pressure: This need for validation can lead the HDP to put a lot of pressure on the LDP to have sex. They might constantly initiate, make frustrated comments (like blaming the LDP for the problem), or even try to guilt-trip their partner into giving in. For example, the HDP might say: "If you loved me, you would want to…" These tactics create a toxic dynamic of control and resentment that kills any chance of genuine intimacy.

• Missing the Emotional Connection: In their pursuit of physical intimacy, the HDP might overlook the importance of emotional connection. This creates a frustrating cycle: the LDP feels pressured and withdraws further, while the HDP feels even more rejected and inadequate.

Both partners are responsible for creating and sustaining a healthy sexual relationship.The LDP needs to communicate their needs and boundaries clearly, while the HDP needs to work on their differentiation and find ways to manage their anxieties without putting pressure on their partner. Ultimately, healthy intimacy requires understanding, respect, and a willingness to grow both individually and together.

Healing from Sexual Abuse

Growing up in a family where sexual abuse occurs can be more damaging than the abuse itself due to several factors:

• Traumatic Mind Mapping: Children in these families are constantly trying to understand the minds of their abusers and other family members. They are forced to grapple with twisted motives, secrets, and betrayals. This constant "mind mapping" can be incredibly damaging to a child's developing brain, even if they are not the direct victim of abuse. For example, a child witnessing a parent's infidelity may experience traumatic mind mapping as they try to understand why their parent would hurt the other parent and the family as a whole. This is seen in Roger’s case where his father smiled at him while having sex with the maid, an event that caused Roger extreme traumatic mind mapping.

• Disgust Reactions: Witnessing or even suspecting sexual abuse within the family can trigger powerful disgust reactions in a child's brain. These reactions are not just emotional; they're physical and visceral, originating in a part of the brain called the anterior insula. Repeated disgust reactions can have long-term effects on brain development and functioning, leading to problems with emotional regulation, concentration, and relationships. This can be worse than isolated incidents of abuse because the brain is repeatedly flooded with stress hormones, leading to negative plasticity.

• Anticipatory Traumatic Mind Mapping: Children in abusive families live in a state of constant fear and anticipation. They are always on high alert, looking for signs of the next abusive incident. This chronic state of hypervigilance takes a toll on the developing brain and can lead to long-term anxiety and emotional instability. This means that even when abuse isn't happening, the anticipation of abuse is a constant source of stress.

• Holes in Autobiographical Memory: Traumatic mind mapping can create gaps and distortions in a child's memory. They may not remember the abuse clearly, or they may remember it differently than how it actually occurred. This can make it difficult to process the trauma and can lead to a sense of confusion and unreality. For instance, in a fail-to-thrive couple's dynamic, one partner may have reported an idyllic childhood only for a much different (disgusting) picture to emerge.

• Development of Antisocial Empathy: Witnessing abuse can actually teach children how to be abusive themselves. They may learn to enjoy the pain of others and to use manipulation and control in their relationships. For example, Lisbeth’s experience of physical torture while growing up in a home where antisocial empathy existed may have led her to develop a mean streak and be cruel to her partner or children.

• Being Held Hostage: Children of abusive parents may feel compelled to stay close to them, even as adults, due to a combination of disgust and hatred that creates a kind of "emotional super-glue". This can make it difficult to set boundaries and can lead to unhealthy codependency. The normal disgust reaction that would make one want to avoid the abuser is reversed in this situation, making the child run towards the parent.

• Impact on Sexual Development: Growing up in a sexually abusive environment can lead to distorted views of sex and intimacy. Children may develop anxiety arousal/sexual arousal patterns, where anxiety and sexual arousal become intertwined. They may also develop an eroticized disgust reaction, where they become aroused by things that would normally trigger disgust. Alexa, whose father displayed inappropriate sexual interest in her, developed an eroticized disgust reaction. Additionally, children from abusive homes often confuse healthy masculinity with intimidation, especially if their fathers were rageful.

• Impaired Differentiation: Children in abusive families often struggle to develop a strong sense of self. They may become emotionally fused with their parents, making it difficult to separate their own thoughts, feelings, and values from those of their family members. Juanita's experience demonstrates that the daily breaking of alliances, a common occurrence in families where sexual abuse happens, can be more impactful than the episodic abuse itself.

Healing from this kind of family environment requires addressing the broader context of the abuse, not just the isolated incidents. It involves developing a strong sense of self, repairing holes in autobiographical memory, and learning to regulate emotions. A strong collaborative alliance with a therapist who understands these dynamics is essential for healing and growth.

Collaborative, Collusive, and Combative Alliances in Marriage

A collaborative alliance is an agreement between two people to work together toward a common goal, even when it’s hard. It’s about bringing out the best in each other and acting like a true partnership. The “golden rule” of a collaborative alliance is to confront yourself first in any situation. Other rules of a collaborative alliance include telling the whole truth, even when it's difficult, and prioritizing fulfilling your responsibilities over your feelings. A collaborative alliance is considered by most people to be a good relationship.

In contrast, a collusive alliance is a bad-faith agreement that allows both partners to avoid their responsibilities. It's like saying, “I won't point out your shortcomings if you overlook mine”. Collusive alliances tend to fall apart when one or both partners can no longer get away with avoiding their responsibilities.

A combative alliance is an agreement to fight or argue instead of facing difficult issues and working things out. In a combative alliance, arguing is not a breakdown of the relationship; it is the relationship. This type of alliance allows partners to avoid self-confrontation and shirk their responsibilities. Combative alliances can prevent couples from resolving issues and lead to a cycle of hurt feelings and arguments.

Some couples may have no alliance, which means there are no rules of engagement and anything goes. This can lead to partners hurting each other in shocking ways because retaliation, rather than self-confrontation, becomes the most important thing.

Relationship alliances can shift quickly, just like acute regressions. If something triggers an issue you’re avoiding, you may slip into a collusive alliance to appease your partner and avoid real change. If that doesn't work, you might shift into a combative alliance and start an argument to divert your partner’s attention.

Regressions often cause people to drop their collaborative alliance, if they even had one to begin with. It’s difficult to maintain a collaborative alliance with someone who is regressed because their perceptions are inaccurate, they’re overly suspicious, and they tend to overreact. However, it's not impossible. Because responsibility in a collaborative alliance is unilateral, you can maintain a collaborative alliance with someone who is regressed, even if they have no intention of reciprocating, as long as you are sufficiently differentiated. This means being able to maintain your sense of self and emotional stability, even when your partner is behaving in a challenging way.

How can I Offer a Collaborative Alliance to my Partner?

While a collaborative alliance ideally involves both partners, it's possible for one person to make the first move, even if their partner isn't initially receptive. This is because responsibility in a collaborative alliance is unilateral, meaning that each person is accountable for upholding their end of the bargain, regardless of whether the other person is doing the same. In other words, you can act in a way that invites collaboration, even if your partner is currently behaving in a way that discourages it.

Here's how you can unilaterally offer a collaborative alliance:

• Focus on what needs to be done. This means shifting your attention away from blaming your partner or getting stuck in your own hurt feelings. Instead, concentrate on taking positive steps to address the issues at hand. For example, if you're struggling with sexual intimacy, start by initiating non-sexual physical touch like cuddling or massage. This demonstrates your willingness to work towards a solution, even if your partner isn't reciprocating yet.

• Be honest, even when it's difficult. This means being upfront with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, even if you're afraid of their reaction. Transparency invites trust and allows your partner to accurately "mind-map" your intentions. For example, instead of hiding your sadness about the lack of intimacy, tell your partner how you feel and what you would like to see happen. This shows that you're not trying to manipulate them, but rather inviting them into an honest conversation.

• Confront yourself. Be willing to look at your own contribution to the problem, even if your partner is also at fault. For example, if you tend to shut down emotionally when you're hurt, acknowledge that this behavior might be making it harder for your partner to connect with you. Owning your shortcomings demonstrates humility and can inspire your partner to do the same.

• Stay grounded, even when your partner drops their end of the alliance. It's almost guaranteed that your partner will sometimes act in a way that damages the alliance, especially if they're struggling with their own issues. When this happens, focus on regulating your own emotions instead of reacting defensively. For example, if your partner gets angry when you try to talk about your feelings, don't get angry back. Instead, try to understand why they're reacting that way and calmly reiterate your desire to work together.

Unilaterally offering a collaborative alliance doesn't mean being a doormat or letting your partner walk all over you. It's about taking a leadership role in the relationship by modeling the behavior you want to see. By consistently acting with integrity and good faith, you can create a positive emotional environment that makes it more likely for your partner to eventually join you in a true collaborative alliance.

Differences in Sexual Desire are Good, Actually.

Differences in sexual desire can help relationships grow because they push couples to develop their independence and manage their own anxieties. This is called differentiation, and it’s key to maintaining intimacy and passion in long-term relationships.

Here’s why:

• When Your Partner Becomes Too Important to you: If your partner's importance outweighs your sense of self, problems like boredom, low desire, and intimacy struggles are bound to appear.

• Sexual Differences Are Normal: Sexual incompatibility isn’t about choosing the wrong partner—it’s about natural differences between people. These struggles force both partners to face their own limitations and resistance to change.

• Why Novelty Matters: Sexual routines often become repetitive, leading to "leftovers"—the same familiar behaviors. Introducing something new usually means stepping outside your comfort zone, which challenges both partners. While this creates discomfort, it’s necessary to keep the relationship exciting and alive.

The conflict caused by sexual differences isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign that the relationship is working. By addressing these challenges, couples can grow individually, build deeper intimacy, and improve their sexual connection.

Here are some ways differentiation shows up in sexual relationships:

• Monogamy as a Growth Tool: The limits and challenges of monogamy create tension, but this can lead to personal and relationship growth if handled well. Discrepancies in sexual desire force couples to confront their differences and grow together.

• The Low Desire Partner’s Role: The partner with less desire has control over the frequency of sex, even if they don’t realize it. This dynamic can be frustrating for the higher-desire partner but also offers an opportunity for growth. By learning to manage their own needs and accept their partner’s differences, the higher-desire partner strengthens their sense of self, which can make the relationship more balanced and satisfying.

• Learning Self-Validation: Resolving sexual desire issues requires both partners to develop self-validated intimacy. When validation depends entirely on the other person, desire and connection often fade. When partners learn to validate themselves, they create a healthier and more enduring form of intimacy.

Why the Lower-Desire Partner Always Controls Sex

The fact that the lower-desire partner (LDP) has control over sex in a relationship might seem unfair or counterintuitive, but it's a natural consequence of the dynamics of desire.

Here's why the LDP holds the reins:

• The HDP (Higher-Desire Partner) is usually the initiator: Driven by their higher desire, they are the ones more likely to express the wish for sexual activity.

• The LDP holds the power of acceptance: They decide whether to consent to the HDP's advances, ultimately determining if and when sex happens.

This dynamic grants the LDP control over various aspects of the couple's sexual life:

• Frequency: They influence how often the couple engages in sexual activity.

• Timing: They determine when sex is acceptable or desirable.

• Style: They can shape the type of sexual activities the couple engages in.

There are several factors that contribute to this dynamic:

• HDP's Fear of Rejection: HDPs often experience heightened vulnerability and a fear of rejection, making them more accommodating to the LDP's preferences.

  • This fear can lead to behaviors like pleading, bargaining, or criticism, which decrease the LDP's desire even further.

• LDP's Sense of Self: LDPs, especially those who hold the belief that sexual desire should occur spontaneously, might struggle with feelings of inadequacy or defectiveness.

  • Withholding sex can become a way to protect their self-esteem or avoid feeling pressured.

  • They may also fear losing control or being overwhelmed by the HDP's desires.

• "Mercy Sex": Some LDPs engage in sex out of obligation or to pacify their partner, lacking genuine desire.

  • This type of interaction can leave the HDP feeling emotionally disconnected, further diminishing their sexual satisfaction.

What is a Two-Choice Dilemma

Dr. David Schnarch often talked about “Two-Choice Dilemmas.” A two-choice dilemma arises when you're stuck between two options, both of which present anxieties or negative consequences. It's the feeling of wanting two things but only being able to choose one. These dilemmas are woven into the fabric of life, and especially prevalent in committed relationships like marriage.

1. The Nature of Two-Choice Dilemmas:

• We often fantasize about having choices without consequences, seeking solutions that eliminate anxiety altogether. However, this isn't realistic.

• Two-choice dilemmas force us to confront the reality that every choice comes with a price. Choosing one option means forfeiting the other, and we must accept the anxieties and potential downsides that come with our decision.

2. Two-Choice Dilemmas and Marriage:

• When you get married, your lives become intertwined, and their choices directly impact your own.

• This interdependence often leads to wanting to control both your own choices and those of your partner. You want to ensure your partner makes choices that align with your desires, while simultaneously wanting to believe they are acting freely. This is a classic two-choice dilemma.

3. Examples of Two-Choice Dilemmas in Relationships:

• Sexual Desire: One partner wants more frequent sex, while the other prefers less. Both partners face anxieties: the higher desire partner fears rejection, while the lower desire partner may feel pressured or obligated.

• Having Children: One partner longs to have children, while the other is hesitant or ambivalent. Each faces difficult choices: to pursue parenthood or risk disappointing their partner, or to forgo parenthood and potentially miss out on a desired life experience.

• Financial Decisions: Disagreements about spending, saving, or major purchases create a dilemma. One partner may prioritize financial security, while the other values experiences or material possessions. Both face anxieties about financial stability or fulfilling their desires.

• In-Law Relationships: Navigating differences in how much time to spend with in-laws, or managing conflicts with them, presents a choice. One partner might prioritize family loyalty, while the other seeks greater independence or boundaries. Both may face anxieties about family harmony or asserting their needs.

4. Dodging Dilemmas and "Stealing Choice":

• It's tempting to avoid the discomfort of two-choice dilemmas. We may stall, rationalize, or try to convince our partner to change their stance.

• However, dodging dilemmas often involves "stealing choice" from our partner. By refusing to confront our own anxieties and make a decision, we prevent our partner from exercising their own choices and potentially moving forward.

What is Normal Marital Sadism?

Normal marital sadism (NMS) is a term coined by Dr. David Schnarch to describe the subtle but cruel ways partners can hurt each other emotionally in a marriage. It's a common problem, often hidden because our society tends to accept some of these behaviors as normal in marriage. NMS goes beyond simple arguments or disagreements; it's about deriving satisfaction from causing your partner emotional pain. Although it doesn't involve physical abuse, it can be very damaging.

Examples of Normal Marital Sadism

1. Withholding Affection and Support: Punishing your partner by refusing to show them love or give them emotional support when they need it. This is a classic example of NMS, using affection as a weapon to control or manipulate.

2. Intentional Forgetfulness: Deliberately forgetting important dates or promises is another way to inflict pain. It shows a lack of care and respect for your partner's feelings.

3. Subtle Put-Downs: Constantly criticizing, belittling, or dismissing your partner's thoughts and feelings can slowly chip away at their self-esteem, making them feel inadequate and insecure.

4. Sexual Manipulation: Faking orgasms or withholding sex can be used to create distance and punish your partner emotionally. It turns a deeply intimate act into a tool for control and infliction of pain.

5. Mind Games: Playing mind games and manipulating your partner to get what you want creates an atmosphere of distrust and insecurity in the relationship.

Reasons Why NMS Happens in Marriages

1. Emotional Fusion: When couples are too emotionally dependent on each other, they can become overly sensitive to anything that threatens their connection. This can lead to hurtful behaviors to protect a fragile sense of self.

2. Struggles with Differentiation: Differentiation is the process of developing a strong individual identity while staying connected to your partner. Resistance to this process can manifest as clinging to old patterns of control and dependence, leading to NMS.

3. Two-Choice Dilemmas: Every marriage involves choices that may prioritize one partner's needs over the other's. Avoiding these choices or forcing one partner to always sacrifice their needs can breed resentment and fuel NMS.

What is Traumatic Mind Mapping?

Traumatic mind mapping occurs when you're trying to understand someone else's thoughts and feelings, and what you perceive is so disturbing that it negatively impacts your own mind and brain. It's a type of mental and physical impairment that can arise from witnessing or experiencing something terrible.

Here's a breakdown of what traumatic mind mapping entails:

• Mind Mapping: Your brain has an innate ability to create mental maps of other people's minds. This involves understanding their thoughts, feelings, knowledge, and desires. It's a crucial survival skill that helps us predict others' actions.

• The Traumatic Element: When you engage in mind mapping and encounter something horrific in another person's mind, it can be deeply unsettling. This can happen in various situations, such as witnessing abuse, encountering cruelty, or realizing someone is intentionally manipulating you.

• Impact on the Brain: Traumatic mind mapping can lead to "spaghetti brain," which is a significant decline in cognitive function. You may experience:

  • Foggy thinking

  • Slowed thoughts

  • Difficulty concentrating

  • Logical errors

  • Inability to prioritize important information

Traumatic mind mapping can also lead to a collapse of your mind-mapping system. This can create:

• Distortions in Autobiographical Memory: You may not remember the traumatic event at all. If you do remember it, your recollection might be distorted, with missing information about the person who caused the trauma. This creates gaps in your understanding of what happened and why.

• Disgust Reactions: In severe cases, traumatic mind mapping can trigger involuntary disgust reactions. This is a primal survival mechanism that compels you to distance yourself from the source of disgust.

Traumatic mind mapping can be particularly impactful when it involves someone you're close to, as the betrayal of trust adds another layer of distress. Children growing up in troubled homes are especially vulnerable, as they may experience repeated instances of traumatic mind mapping.

It's important to note that traumatic mind mapping can have lasting effects on your mental and emotional well-being. If you're struggling with the aftermath of such experiences, seeking professional help can be beneficial. There are therapies designed specifically to address the impacts of traumatic mind mapping and help you recover.