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Writing on conflict, intimacy, narcissism, and growing up in a marriage.
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Couples Therapy Approaches Compared
Where Narcissism Comes From, and How to Grow Out of It
Narcissism has four main components: Superiority (the belief that I'm better than everyone else) Indifference (a lack of concern for other people) Fragility (the inability to tolerate feedback or…
How to Solve Relationship Problems
Your brain has two modes: Problem Mode and Person Mode. In Problem Mode, you see your partner as a problem to be solved. In Person Mode, you see your partner as a person, someone who’s a lot like…
What Impact do you Have on your Partner?
When you have a relationship problem, your brain wants to focus on your partner's behavior, not on yours. It wants to think about your partner's impact on you, and it doesn't want to think about…
Personal Power is the Foundation of Relationship Growth
A good relationship is full of compassion, caring, love and investment, but none of those things are the foundation of a good relationship. The foundation of a good relationship is a sense of…
What is Intimacy?
Intimacy is Into-Me-You-See. You can create intimacy in your relationship by revealing your true self to your partner without needing their validation. True intimacy requires self-acceptance, which…
Fighting and communication
Couples therapy for communication and conflict
How to Solve Relationship Problems
Your brain has two modes: Problem Mode and Person Mode. In Problem Mode, you see your partner as a problem to be solved. In Person Mode, you see your partner as a person, someone who’s a lot like…
Why Your Partner Does the Opposite of What You Ask
When I want my wife to change, my brain reaches for the same tool every time: emphasize my distress. The logic feels airtight: if she could just see how much this hurts, she'd change. But think…
How to Stop Arguing: 10 Communication Tips That Actually Work
If you're searching for ways to stop arguing with your partner, you've probably already tried a few things that didn't work. Maybe you've tried talking more. Maybe you've tried talking less. Maybe…
A Couples Therapist Rates the Internet's Top Relationship Tips
These are ten common relationship tips you'll find online, rated from zero to ten. 1\. Know Your Partner's Love Language: 2/10 Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of…
Adlerian Couples Therapy Triangles
I use two Adlerian Couples Therapy Triangles when I’m working with couples. The first one has three sides: that pad person poor me what will I do now The second one has two sides, the third side is…
Common Relationship Dynamics
Relationships are full of self-reinforcing dynamics. Each partner shows up in a way that makes it easy for the other to show up in the complementary way. You get to choose how far you move into each…
What is a Collaborative Alliance?
Creating a more collaborative alliance is the key to relationship repair. Dr. David Schnarch lists these eight key points about collaborative alliances in Chapter 11 of his book Intimacy and Desire…
The Victim Triangle
describes three roles we take on in challenging situations: 1\. Victim Feels oppressed and powerless, can’t solve problems or make decisions Seeks help from rescuers but resists solutions Derives…
There’s no Need to Defend Yourself.
One of the first things I talk to couples about when they come into my office for marriage therapy is that you don't need to defend yourself when your partner criticizes you. Why? Because you don't…
Sex, Money, Parenting, and the In-Laws
These are the four that tear couples apart: 1\. Sex 2\. Money 3\. Parenting 4\. The in-laws The first three are all issues where compromise is difficult, and where each partner has a lot of power to…
10 Principles for Making Marriage Work
Physical Safety If there is any ongoing threat of physical violence in your intimate relationship, you will be hard-pressed to step into the kind of collaborative conflict that is necessary to help…
Four Steps to a Better Relationship
Step One: Your Partner Is Not the Source of Your Distress When you feel abandoned or overwhelmed, you might blame your partner for these feelings and the physical sensations that accompany them. In…
Sex and desire
Couples therapy for sex and desire problems
What is Intimacy?
Intimacy is Into-Me-You-See. You can create intimacy in your relationship by revealing your true self to your partner without needing their validation. True intimacy requires self-acceptance, which…
Eyes-Open Sex
Eyes-open sex is a pathway to deeper intimacy and connection with your partner. It involves looking into your partner's eyes and allowing them to truly see you, not just your physical body, but also…
Healing from Sexual Abuse
Growing up in a family where sexual abuse occurs can be more damaging than the abuse itself due to several factors: Traumatic Mind Mapping: Children in these families are constantly trying to…
Dr. David Schnarch’s Approach to Improving Sexual Relationships
Dr. David Schnarch, a renowned psychologist and sex therapist, spent decades challenging this conventional wisdom on how to improve committed sexual relationships. His approach, outlined in books…
Why Your Partner Might Not Want Sex
Reason 1: you’re in a committed relationship. It really is normal to have a higher-desire partner (HDP) and a lower-desire partner (LDP) in a committed sexual relationship. You’re probably the HDP…
Anxiety, attachment, and codependency
Couples therapy for relationship anxiety
Do You Need a Therapist for Codependency?
You've probably heard the term "codependent" thrown around. Maybe someone called you that. Maybe you've started wondering if it applies to you. The word gets used loosely: sometimes as an insult…
The Love Trap
When you’re falling in love, you have intense feelings that make it easy to treat each other well. But when those feelings fade, you don't treat each other as well as you're used to. That's how you…
Anxious/Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Most relationships have an anxious/avoidant dynamic. The anxious partner responds to anxiety by seeking connection, while the avoidant partner responds to anxiety by seeking distance. These are two…
Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning
Overfunctioning and underfunctioning are patterns of behavior that can mess up the balance in your relationship. One partner ends up doing way too much (overfunctioning), while the other doesn't do…
How to Handle Relationship Distress
Your Child Brain Your brain is programmed for survival. When you were young, survival meant maintaining a close, emotional connection to your parents or caregivers. You were mostly helpless on your…
The 80/20 Rule
80% of the distress you experience in your adult relationship is an emotional flashback to childhood. The human brain is more optimized for survival in childhood than thriving in adult…
Infidelity and divorce
Couples therapy after infidelity
Infidelity Statistics: How Common Is Cheating in Marriage?
In the General Social Survey, 20% of men and 13% of women who have ever been married say they have had sex outside their marriage. Here is what the research says, and what it can’t tell us.
Why Women Are Twice as Likely as Men to File for Divorce
In a national survey, wives started 69% of divorces. The gap has held for decades, and it shows up in marriage, not in other relationships. Here is what the research says.
Divorce Statistics Every Couple Should Know in 2026
You have probably heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. That number is old, and it was never a count. It was a projection. Here is what the current data says.
How to Rebuild Your Relationship After Infidelity
After an affair: if you were betrayed, accept reality and stop trying to control. If you cheated, earn your own self-respect and reveal your mind.
What to Do When Your Wife Wants a Divorce
If your wife wants a divorce and you don't, this post is for you. There are three things you need to understand. First, she's probably right about you and wrong about herself. Second, you need to…
Narcissism and abuse
Couples therapy for narcissistic dynamics
Where Narcissism Comes From, and How to Grow Out of It
Narcissism has four main components: Superiority (the belief that I'm better than everyone else) Indifference (a lack of concern for other people) Fragility (the inability to tolerate feedback or…
How to Heal a Narcissistic Relationship
Every relationship is narcissistic, and some relationships are more narcissistic than others. No matter how narcissistic your relationship is, your life will get better if you deal with the…
What does Emotional Abuse look like?
Emotional abuse is intentional. When we hurt each other's feelings, we're usually doing it on purpose. If I crash my car three times a week, you’re not going to call it an accident. And if I hurt my…
What is Normal Marital Sadism?
Normal marital sadism (NMS) is a term coined by Dr. David Schnarch to describe the subtle but cruel ways partners can hurt each other emotionally in a marriage. It's a common problem, often hidden…
How to Raise a Narcissist in Four Easy Steps
Do you want your kid to be president? Start by helping them develop these nine narcissistic traits: 1. A grandiose sense of self-importance 2. Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power…
Why Do We Fall in Love with Abusive Partners?
A child’s brain A child’s brain is predisposed to perceive her parents as trustworthy and good, even when they aren’t. This mind-twisting persists into adulthood, making it hard to perceive cruelty…
Break Free from Emotional Manipulation
Infants use intense emotional expression (crying) to get their needs met. As adults we often resort to the same strategy: using emotional intensity to manipulate others. This behavior is instinctive…
Growing up in your marriage
What Impact do you Have on your Partner?
When you have a relationship problem, your brain wants to focus on your partner's behavior, not on yours. It wants to think about your partner's impact on you, and it doesn't want to think about…
Personal Power is the Foundation of Relationship Growth
A good relationship is full of compassion, caring, love and investment, but none of those things are the foundation of a good relationship. The foundation of a good relationship is a sense of…
How to find out who you really are
If you want to know who I am, ask my wife what it's like to be married to me. Ask her what it was like two years ago compared to what it's like today. If you want to know who you are, ask the person…
What is it Like to be Married to You?
Your brain wants you to focus on your partner's impact on you. It wants you to feel like your partner has to change for you to be okay. Your brain does this because it's optimized to survive…
Become a better partner if you want to have a better partner.
One of the biggest lies we're told in society is that the key to a good relationship is to find a better partner. The truth is that you will not be able to have a relationship with a better partner…
The Paradox of Self-Acceptance
My therapist says that respect is accepting a person exactly the way they are. If that is true, then self-respect means accepting myself exactly the way I am. When I consider that thought, a little…
How to Love a Difficult Person
How to Love a Difficult Person My wife and I would both qualify as people who are hard to love. We've been married for 24 years, and as you might expect, it's been difficult. But I've learned a few…
Becoming a More Loving Person
The absolute lowest point of my marriage came a few years ago when I was having an emotional affair, and my wife asked me to stop. I said no. When I think back to that conversation now, the thing…
Why do we Create False Realities?
We use false realities to justify bad behavior, intense feelings, and lack of action. We create false realities when we don’t want to face what’s actually true about ourselves. After creating a…
Anger, Frustration, and Resentment
Anger, resentment, and frustration are all the same thing. I’m going to use the word anger here, but feel free to replace it with frustration or resentment if that’s what you usually call it. Anger…
Are you Living in Emotional Poverty?
Every family exists somewhere on a spectrum of financial poverty to extreme wealth. There is a similar spectrum for emotional wealth in families. Like most therapists, I was born into emotional…
Why Marriage Is So Hard
How to Calm your Inner Critic
Everyone has an inner critic, that voice in your head that says you’re just not good enough, you need to try harder, focus more, and get more done. We learn to talk to ourselves this way in inner…
What Drives Low Self-Esteem?
Reason 1: because you’re human We live in a culture that expects everyone to have “healthy self-esteem,” but in reality, self-esteem (or self-respect, as I prefer to call it) is something we…
Crucible Therapy and differentiation
Couples Therapy Approaches Compared
What is Differentiation?
You've probably had the experience. Your partner says something, maybe a passing comment about how you loaded the dishwasher or a heavier remark about your relationship with your mother, and…
Building Bridges in Your Brain
When I was 15, my dad took my mom, my sister, and me out to his favorite fancy restaurant. My dad has a ton of social anxiety, and my role in the family was to be the class clown so that we could…
A Chapter-by-Chapter Guide to Edwin Friedman's "A Failure of Nerve"
Edwin Friedman, a rabbi and family therapist, spent decades watching leaders fail not because they lacked information or skills, but because they lacked the nerve to stand firm when everyone around…
A Conversation with Bruce Tift
James Christensen interviews Bruce Tift, author of Already Free, about how we split ourselves to control our feelings and what adults can do about it.
Left Brain, Right Brain, and Your Relationship
The left and right halves of your brain are good at different things. The right side is good at understanding and appreciating people, while the left side is good at using things. There are also…
Your Relational Brain
Your relational brain is the part of your brain that is designed to help you have healthy relationships with other people. When your relational brain is online, you care about your partner, and you…
Right Mind Relationships
The two halves of the human brain are physically separate from each other, except for a connecting organ that is about one inch in diameter. Each half responds to the world in its own way: Right…
David Schnarch’s Books: A Complete List and Where to Start
Mind Mapping in Crucible Therapy
Mind mapping is your brain's ability to create a mental picture of what's going on in someone else's mind. It's like you're building a map of their thoughts, feelings, motivations, knowledge, and…
What is a Two-Choice Dilemma
Dr. David Schnarch often talked about “Two-Choice Dilemmas.” A two-choice dilemma arises when you're stuck between two options, both of which present anxieties or negative consequences. It's the…
Relationship Therapy is like Dance Class
My wife and I take dance lessons together. The goal of every lesson is to dance a little bit better than we did at the beginning of the lesson. When we go to marriage therapy together, the goal is…
Three Things I learned from Bruce Tift
Bruce Tift’s book changed the way I think about life, love, and therapy. Bruce describes two paths to learning how to feel free in life: the path of Western therapy, and the path of Buddhist…
Parents and parenting
Why does my therapist want to talk about my parents?
Your therapist wants to talk to you about your parents because your parents had a significant impact on how your brain developed. This article has three parts: 1. Your parents affected the way your…
How to not be like your parents
Your default programming is to make a fuss when you don't get what you want. That's how you stayed alive as an infant. When you were hungry, you made a fuss. When you were tired, you made a fuss.…
The Myth of Parental Innocence
When you were young, your brain was hard-wired to seek connection and care from an adult. For most of us, it was one or both of our parents. As you grew, your brain learned a lot from your parents…
Collaborative Parenting
1\. Children Learn From What You Do, Not What You Say Children learn from what I do, not from what I say. As adults, we have more capacity to learn from what people say to us. Children mostly just…
The Childhood Survival Bond
We learn about human relationships in childhood When we were children, we were vulnerable to being abandoned or overwhelmed. We regulated our emotional state by trying to increase connection with…
Parenting Without Emotional Punishment
“So much is asked of parents, and so little is given.” –Virginia Satir Emotional Punishment is the default Most parents use emotional punishment to control their children. The implicit contract is…
Exercises
Exercises for Couples
Touch 1. One partner is the giver and the other is the receiver. We will switch roles after few minutes. 2. When I am the giver: take a deep breath and allow my body to settle down. Search my soul…
Somatic Acceptance
Somatic acceptance is the practice of noticing, accepting, and feeling kindness toward the unpleasant physical sensations that accompany intense emotions. By noticing the physical component of…
Writing for Mental Health
During an intense, frightening, or dangerous experience, the brain shuts off higher-level thinking in favor of low-level survival protocols. After the event is past, there is an opportunity to…
Breathing for Mental Health
The way we breathe changes the way we feel. Each of these exercises can help you feel less fear, sadness, and anxiety. General recommendations You can’t fill your lungs if you’re hunched over. Sit…
Exercises for Calmer Connection
This is a guest post by relationship coach . These three exercises, developed by sex and relationship therapist Dr. David Schnarch, are designed to help you learn to be physically and emotionally…