Eyes-Open Sex

Eyes-open sex is a pathway to deeper intimacy and connection with your partner. It involves looking into your partner's eyes and allowing them to truly see you, not just your physical body, but also your emotional and psychological self.

• It is a powerful form of mind mapping. By gazing into your partner's eyes, you are inviting them to map your mind and understand your eroticism on a deeper level.

• It pushes you to confront your fears of intimacy and vulnerability. You may experience discomfort, anxiety, and a heightened awareness of yourself as a separate individual. This can be especially challenging if you are accustomed to tuning out your partner during sex.

• It can be incredibly intimate and erotic. When both partners are open to the experience, eyes-open sex can lead to a profound sense of connection and shared pleasure. It can make familiar sexual behaviors feel new and exciting.

• It can be practiced in stages. If opening both eyes feels too intense, you can start with "peekaboo," where you open one eye at a time to gradually acclimate to the experience.

• It can lead to eyes-open orgasm. This is the most intense form of eyes-open sex, where you reach orgasm while gazing into your partner's eyes. This requires a high level of self-acceptance and comfort with vulnerability, and may take time and practice to achieve.

How Higher-Desire Partners Contribute to Sexual Problems

When a couple struggles with differing levels of sexual desire, it’s easy to assume that the partner with a lower desire (LDP) is solely responsible for the issue. However, the partner with higher desire (HDP) contributes just as much to the problem. The HDP often struggles with a deep need for validation from their partner, and when that validation isn’t received (in the form of sexual interest), it triggers a cycle of pressure and resentment that only makes things worse.

Think of it like this: the LDP might control how often sex happens, but the HDP’s reaction to that control is what fuels the fire. Their insecurities and anxieties get amplified, and they often end up pushing their partner further away without realizing it. This is all tied to a concept called differentiation, which is basically the ability to be comfortable with yourself, regulate your emotions, and not get overly dependent on your partner for your sense of worth.

Here’s how the HDP contributes to sexual problems:

• Craving Validation: The HDP might be looking to their partner to confirm their attractiveness, lovability, or sexual skills. When the LDP isn’t interested in sex, the HDP might interpret it as personal rejection, feeling inadequate, unwanted, or resentful.

• Piling on the Pressure: This need for validation can lead the HDP to put a lot of pressure on the LDP to have sex. They might constantly initiate, make frustrated comments (like blaming the LDP for the problem), or even try to guilt-trip their partner into giving in. For example, the HDP might say: "If you loved me, you would want to…" These tactics create a toxic dynamic of control and resentment that kills any chance of genuine intimacy.

• Missing the Emotional Connection: In their pursuit of physical intimacy, the HDP might overlook the importance of emotional connection. This creates a frustrating cycle: the LDP feels pressured and withdraws further, while the HDP feels even more rejected and inadequate.

Both partners are responsible for creating and sustaining a healthy sexual relationship.The LDP needs to communicate their needs and boundaries clearly, while the HDP needs to work on their differentiation and find ways to manage their anxieties without putting pressure on their partner. Ultimately, healthy intimacy requires understanding, respect, and a willingness to grow both individually and together.

Healing from Sexual Abuse

Growing up in a family where sexual abuse occurs can be more damaging than the abuse itself due to several factors:

• Traumatic Mind Mapping: Children in these families are constantly trying to understand the minds of their abusers and other family members. They are forced to grapple with twisted motives, secrets, and betrayals. This constant "mind mapping" can be incredibly damaging to a child's developing brain, even if they are not the direct victim of abuse. For example, a child witnessing a parent's infidelity may experience traumatic mind mapping as they try to understand why their parent would hurt the other parent and the family as a whole. This is seen in Roger’s case where his father smiled at him while having sex with the maid, an event that caused Roger extreme traumatic mind mapping.

• Disgust Reactions: Witnessing or even suspecting sexual abuse within the family can trigger powerful disgust reactions in a child's brain. These reactions are not just emotional; they're physical and visceral, originating in a part of the brain called the anterior insula. Repeated disgust reactions can have long-term effects on brain development and functioning, leading to problems with emotional regulation, concentration, and relationships. This can be worse than isolated incidents of abuse because the brain is repeatedly flooded with stress hormones, leading to negative plasticity.

• Anticipatory Traumatic Mind Mapping: Children in abusive families live in a state of constant fear and anticipation. They are always on high alert, looking for signs of the next abusive incident. This chronic state of hypervigilance takes a toll on the developing brain and can lead to long-term anxiety and emotional instability. This means that even when abuse isn't happening, the anticipation of abuse is a constant source of stress.

• Holes in Autobiographical Memory: Traumatic mind mapping can create gaps and distortions in a child's memory. They may not remember the abuse clearly, or they may remember it differently than how it actually occurred. This can make it difficult to process the trauma and can lead to a sense of confusion and unreality. For instance, in a fail-to-thrive couple's dynamic, one partner may have reported an idyllic childhood only for a much different (disgusting) picture to emerge.

• Development of Antisocial Empathy: Witnessing abuse can actually teach children how to be abusive themselves. They may learn to enjoy the pain of others and to use manipulation and control in their relationships. For example, Lisbeth’s experience of physical torture while growing up in a home where antisocial empathy existed may have led her to develop a mean streak and be cruel to her partner or children.

• Being Held Hostage: Children of abusive parents may feel compelled to stay close to them, even as adults, due to a combination of disgust and hatred that creates a kind of "emotional super-glue". This can make it difficult to set boundaries and can lead to unhealthy codependency. The normal disgust reaction that would make one want to avoid the abuser is reversed in this situation, making the child run towards the parent.

• Impact on Sexual Development: Growing up in a sexually abusive environment can lead to distorted views of sex and intimacy. Children may develop anxiety arousal/sexual arousal patterns, where anxiety and sexual arousal become intertwined. They may also develop an eroticized disgust reaction, where they become aroused by things that would normally trigger disgust. Alexa, whose father displayed inappropriate sexual interest in her, developed an eroticized disgust reaction. Additionally, children from abusive homes often confuse healthy masculinity with intimidation, especially if their fathers were rageful.

• Impaired Differentiation: Children in abusive families often struggle to develop a strong sense of self. They may become emotionally fused with their parents, making it difficult to separate their own thoughts, feelings, and values from those of their family members. Juanita's experience demonstrates that the daily breaking of alliances, a common occurrence in families where sexual abuse happens, can be more impactful than the episodic abuse itself.

Healing from this kind of family environment requires addressing the broader context of the abuse, not just the isolated incidents. It involves developing a strong sense of self, repairing holes in autobiographical memory, and learning to regulate emotions. A strong collaborative alliance with a therapist who understands these dynamics is essential for healing and growth.

Collaborative, Collusive, and Combative Alliances in Marriage

A collaborative alliance is an agreement between two people to work together toward a common goal, even when it’s hard. It’s about bringing out the best in each other and acting like a true partnership. The “golden rule” of a collaborative alliance is to confront yourself first in any situation. Other rules of a collaborative alliance include telling the whole truth, even when it's difficult, and prioritizing fulfilling your responsibilities over your feelings. A collaborative alliance is considered by most people to be a good relationship.

In contrast, a collusive alliance is a bad-faith agreement that allows both partners to avoid their responsibilities. It's like saying, “I won't point out your shortcomings if you overlook mine”. Collusive alliances tend to fall apart when one or both partners can no longer get away with avoiding their responsibilities.

A combative alliance is an agreement to fight or argue instead of facing difficult issues and working things out. In a combative alliance, arguing is not a breakdown of the relationship; it is the relationship. This type of alliance allows partners to avoid self-confrontation and shirk their responsibilities. Combative alliances can prevent couples from resolving issues and lead to a cycle of hurt feelings and arguments.

Some couples may have no alliance, which means there are no rules of engagement and anything goes. This can lead to partners hurting each other in shocking ways because retaliation, rather than self-confrontation, becomes the most important thing.

Relationship alliances can shift quickly, just like acute regressions. If something triggers an issue you’re avoiding, you may slip into a collusive alliance to appease your partner and avoid real change. If that doesn't work, you might shift into a combative alliance and start an argument to divert your partner’s attention.

Regressions often cause people to drop their collaborative alliance, if they even had one to begin with. It’s difficult to maintain a collaborative alliance with someone who is regressed because their perceptions are inaccurate, they’re overly suspicious, and they tend to overreact. However, it's not impossible. Because responsibility in a collaborative alliance is unilateral, you can maintain a collaborative alliance with someone who is regressed, even if they have no intention of reciprocating, as long as you are sufficiently differentiated. This means being able to maintain your sense of self and emotional stability, even when your partner is behaving in a challenging way.

How can I Offer a Collaborative Alliance to my Partner?

While a collaborative alliance ideally involves both partners, it's possible for one person to make the first move, even if their partner isn't initially receptive. This is because responsibility in a collaborative alliance is unilateral, meaning that each person is accountable for upholding their end of the bargain, regardless of whether the other person is doing the same. In other words, you can act in a way that invites collaboration, even if your partner is currently behaving in a way that discourages it.

Here's how you can unilaterally offer a collaborative alliance:

• Focus on what needs to be done. This means shifting your attention away from blaming your partner or getting stuck in your own hurt feelings. Instead, concentrate on taking positive steps to address the issues at hand. For example, if you're struggling with sexual intimacy, start by initiating non-sexual physical touch like cuddling or massage. This demonstrates your willingness to work towards a solution, even if your partner isn't reciprocating yet.

• Be honest, even when it's difficult. This means being upfront with your partner about your thoughts and feelings, even if you're afraid of their reaction. Transparency invites trust and allows your partner to accurately "mind-map" your intentions. For example, instead of hiding your sadness about the lack of intimacy, tell your partner how you feel and what you would like to see happen. This shows that you're not trying to manipulate them, but rather inviting them into an honest conversation.

• Confront yourself. Be willing to look at your own contribution to the problem, even if your partner is also at fault. For example, if you tend to shut down emotionally when you're hurt, acknowledge that this behavior might be making it harder for your partner to connect with you. Owning your shortcomings demonstrates humility and can inspire your partner to do the same.

• Stay grounded, even when your partner drops their end of the alliance. It's almost guaranteed that your partner will sometimes act in a way that damages the alliance, especially if they're struggling with their own issues. When this happens, focus on regulating your own emotions instead of reacting defensively. For example, if your partner gets angry when you try to talk about your feelings, don't get angry back. Instead, try to understand why they're reacting that way and calmly reiterate your desire to work together.

Unilaterally offering a collaborative alliance doesn't mean being a doormat or letting your partner walk all over you. It's about taking a leadership role in the relationship by modeling the behavior you want to see. By consistently acting with integrity and good faith, you can create a positive emotional environment that makes it more likely for your partner to eventually join you in a true collaborative alliance.

Differences in Sexual Desire are Good, Actually.

Differences in sexual desire can help relationships grow because they push couples to develop their independence and manage their own anxieties. This is called differentiation, and it’s key to maintaining intimacy and passion in long-term relationships.

Here’s why:

• When Your Partner Becomes Too Important to you: If your partner's importance outweighs your sense of self, problems like boredom, low desire, and intimacy struggles are bound to appear.

• Sexual Differences Are Normal: Sexual incompatibility isn’t about choosing the wrong partner—it’s about natural differences between people. These struggles force both partners to face their own limitations and resistance to change.

• Why Novelty Matters: Sexual routines often become repetitive, leading to "leftovers"—the same familiar behaviors. Introducing something new usually means stepping outside your comfort zone, which challenges both partners. While this creates discomfort, it’s necessary to keep the relationship exciting and alive.

The conflict caused by sexual differences isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign that the relationship is working. By addressing these challenges, couples can grow individually, build deeper intimacy, and improve their sexual connection.

Here are some ways differentiation shows up in sexual relationships:

• Monogamy as a Growth Tool: The limits and challenges of monogamy create tension, but this can lead to personal and relationship growth if handled well. Discrepancies in sexual desire force couples to confront their differences and grow together.

• The Low Desire Partner’s Role: The partner with less desire has control over the frequency of sex, even if they don’t realize it. This dynamic can be frustrating for the higher-desire partner but also offers an opportunity for growth. By learning to manage their own needs and accept their partner’s differences, the higher-desire partner strengthens their sense of self, which can make the relationship more balanced and satisfying.

• Learning Self-Validation: Resolving sexual desire issues requires both partners to develop self-validated intimacy. When validation depends entirely on the other person, desire and connection often fade. When partners learn to validate themselves, they create a healthier and more enduring form of intimacy.

Why the Lower-Desire Partner Always Controls Sex

The fact that the lower-desire partner (LDP) has control over sex in a relationship might seem unfair or counterintuitive, but it's a natural consequence of the dynamics of desire.

Here's why the LDP holds the reins:

• The HDP (Higher-Desire Partner) is usually the initiator: Driven by their higher desire, they are the ones more likely to express the wish for sexual activity.

• The LDP holds the power of acceptance: They decide whether to consent to the HDP's advances, ultimately determining if and when sex happens.

This dynamic grants the LDP control over various aspects of the couple's sexual life:

• Frequency: They influence how often the couple engages in sexual activity.

• Timing: They determine when sex is acceptable or desirable.

• Style: They can shape the type of sexual activities the couple engages in.

There are several factors that contribute to this dynamic:

• HDP's Fear of Rejection: HDPs often experience heightened vulnerability and a fear of rejection, making them more accommodating to the LDP's preferences.

  • This fear can lead to behaviors like pleading, bargaining, or criticism, which decrease the LDP's desire even further.

• LDP's Sense of Self: LDPs, especially those who hold the belief that sexual desire should occur spontaneously, might struggle with feelings of inadequacy or defectiveness.

  • Withholding sex can become a way to protect their self-esteem or avoid feeling pressured.

  • They may also fear losing control or being overwhelmed by the HDP's desires.

• "Mercy Sex": Some LDPs engage in sex out of obligation or to pacify their partner, lacking genuine desire.

  • This type of interaction can leave the HDP feeling emotionally disconnected, further diminishing their sexual satisfaction.

What is a Two-Choice Dilemma

Dr. David Schnarch often talked about “Two-Choice Dilemmas.” A two-choice dilemma arises when you're stuck between two options, both of which present anxieties or negative consequences. It's the feeling of wanting two things but only being able to choose one. These dilemmas are woven into the fabric of life, and especially prevalent in committed relationships like marriage.

1. The Nature of Two-Choice Dilemmas:

• We often fantasize about having choices without consequences, seeking solutions that eliminate anxiety altogether. However, this isn't realistic.

• Two-choice dilemmas force us to confront the reality that every choice comes with a price. Choosing one option means forfeiting the other, and we must accept the anxieties and potential downsides that come with our decision.

2. Two-Choice Dilemmas and Marriage:

• When you get married, your lives become intertwined, and their choices directly impact your own.

• This interdependence often leads to wanting to control both your own choices and those of your partner. You want to ensure your partner makes choices that align with your desires, while simultaneously wanting to believe they are acting freely. This is a classic two-choice dilemma.

3. Examples of Two-Choice Dilemmas in Relationships:

• Sexual Desire: One partner wants more frequent sex, while the other prefers less. Both partners face anxieties: the higher desire partner fears rejection, while the lower desire partner may feel pressured or obligated.

• Having Children: One partner longs to have children, while the other is hesitant or ambivalent. Each faces difficult choices: to pursue parenthood or risk disappointing their partner, or to forgo parenthood and potentially miss out on a desired life experience.

• Financial Decisions: Disagreements about spending, saving, or major purchases create a dilemma. One partner may prioritize financial security, while the other values experiences or material possessions. Both face anxieties about financial stability or fulfilling their desires.

• In-Law Relationships: Navigating differences in how much time to spend with in-laws, or managing conflicts with them, presents a choice. One partner might prioritize family loyalty, while the other seeks greater independence or boundaries. Both may face anxieties about family harmony or asserting their needs.

4. Dodging Dilemmas and "Stealing Choice":

• It's tempting to avoid the discomfort of two-choice dilemmas. We may stall, rationalize, or try to convince our partner to change their stance.

• However, dodging dilemmas often involves "stealing choice" from our partner. By refusing to confront our own anxieties and make a decision, we prevent our partner from exercising their own choices and potentially moving forward.

What is Normal Marital Sadism?

Normal marital sadism (NMS) is a term coined by Dr. David Schnarch to describe the subtle but cruel ways partners can hurt each other emotionally in a marriage. It's a common problem, often hidden because our society tends to accept some of these behaviors as normal in marriage. NMS goes beyond simple arguments or disagreements; it's about deriving satisfaction from causing your partner emotional pain. Although it doesn't involve physical abuse, it can be very damaging.

Examples of Normal Marital Sadism

1. Withholding Affection and Support: Punishing your partner by refusing to show them love or give them emotional support when they need it. This is a classic example of NMS, using affection as a weapon to control or manipulate.

2. Intentional Forgetfulness: Deliberately forgetting important dates or promises is another way to inflict pain. It shows a lack of care and respect for your partner's feelings.

3. Subtle Put-Downs: Constantly criticizing, belittling, or dismissing your partner's thoughts and feelings can slowly chip away at their self-esteem, making them feel inadequate and insecure.

4. Sexual Manipulation: Faking orgasms or withholding sex can be used to create distance and punish your partner emotionally. It turns a deeply intimate act into a tool for control and infliction of pain.

5. Mind Games: Playing mind games and manipulating your partner to get what you want creates an atmosphere of distrust and insecurity in the relationship.

Reasons Why NMS Happens in Marriages

1. Emotional Fusion: When couples are too emotionally dependent on each other, they can become overly sensitive to anything that threatens their connection. This can lead to hurtful behaviors to protect a fragile sense of self.

2. Struggles with Differentiation: Differentiation is the process of developing a strong individual identity while staying connected to your partner. Resistance to this process can manifest as clinging to old patterns of control and dependence, leading to NMS.

3. Two-Choice Dilemmas: Every marriage involves choices that may prioritize one partner's needs over the other's. Avoiding these choices or forcing one partner to always sacrifice their needs can breed resentment and fuel NMS.

What is Traumatic Mind Mapping?

Traumatic mind mapping occurs when you're trying to understand someone else's thoughts and feelings, and what you perceive is so disturbing that it negatively impacts your own mind and brain. It's a type of mental and physical impairment that can arise from witnessing or experiencing something terrible.

Here's a breakdown of what traumatic mind mapping entails:

• Mind Mapping: Your brain has an innate ability to create mental maps of other people's minds. This involves understanding their thoughts, feelings, knowledge, and desires. It's a crucial survival skill that helps us predict others' actions.

• The Traumatic Element: When you engage in mind mapping and encounter something horrific in another person's mind, it can be deeply unsettling. This can happen in various situations, such as witnessing abuse, encountering cruelty, or realizing someone is intentionally manipulating you.

• Impact on the Brain: Traumatic mind mapping can lead to "spaghetti brain," which is a significant decline in cognitive function. You may experience:

  • Foggy thinking

  • Slowed thoughts

  • Difficulty concentrating

  • Logical errors

  • Inability to prioritize important information

Traumatic mind mapping can also lead to a collapse of your mind-mapping system. This can create:

• Distortions in Autobiographical Memory: You may not remember the traumatic event at all. If you do remember it, your recollection might be distorted, with missing information about the person who caused the trauma. This creates gaps in your understanding of what happened and why.

• Disgust Reactions: In severe cases, traumatic mind mapping can trigger involuntary disgust reactions. This is a primal survival mechanism that compels you to distance yourself from the source of disgust.

Traumatic mind mapping can be particularly impactful when it involves someone you're close to, as the betrayal of trust adds another layer of distress. Children growing up in troubled homes are especially vulnerable, as they may experience repeated instances of traumatic mind mapping.

It's important to note that traumatic mind mapping can have lasting effects on your mental and emotional well-being. If you're struggling with the aftermath of such experiences, seeking professional help can be beneficial. There are therapies designed specifically to address the impacts of traumatic mind mapping and help you recover.

Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning

Overfunctioning and underfunctioning are patterns of behavior that can mess up the balance in your relationship. One partner ends up doing way too much (overfunctioning), while the other doesn't do enough (underfunctioning). Think of it like a seesaw that's permanently tilted.

Overfunctioning

When you're the overfunctioner, you feel the need to take control and handle everything in the relationship. You might:

• Anticipate your partner's needs before they even ask. You're like a mind reader, always knowing what they want and jumping to fulfill their needs.

• Give advice even when it's not wanted. You think you're being helpful, but it can come across as controlling and make your partner feel incompetent.

• Become the emotional caretaker. You try to fix their problems and manage their feelings, leaving you emotionally exhausted.

For example: Imagine you're always the one planning dates, making dinner reservations, and organizing weekend activities. You end up feeling like the event planner in your own relationship, and it takes a toll.

Underfunctioning

If you're the underfunctioner, you tend to rely on your partner to make decisions and handle responsibilities. You might:

• Avoid expressing your opinions or preferences. You'd rather go with the flow than assert yourself, even if it means not getting what you want.

• Let your partner handle all the practical stuff. You depend on them to deal with finances, chores, and even emotional support, even if you're capable of doing it yourself.

• Seek constant validation from your partner. You feel insecure and unsure of yourself, needing their reassurance to feel good about yourself.

For example: Imagine your partner manages all the finances, even though you have a job. You never look at the bills or discuss spending, making you feel financially dependent and powerless.

Finding a Healthier Balance

To break this unhealthy cycle, you both need to take responsibility for your actions and work toward greater equality in the relationship.

• If you tend to overfunction: Start by setting boundaries and letting your partner handle more. Resist the urge to jump in and fix things for them. Give them space to figure things out on their own and learn from their mistakes.

• If you tend to underfunction: Start by taking more initiative. Voice your opinions, make decisions, and take on more responsibilities, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Build your self-confidence and learn to handle challenges independently.

Remember, true intimacy requires both partners to be strong and independent while supporting each other. When you're both able to stand on your own two feet, you can create a more fulfilling and passionate relationship.

Dr. David Schnarch on Mind Mapping

Dr. Schnarch defines mind mapping as the ability to understand another person's mind and predict their behavior. This involves stepping into their perspective and understanding their motivations, even if they differ from your own. Mind mapping delves deeper than simply guessing someone's thoughts or feelings; it involves understanding their mental model of the world, encompassing their beliefs, values, and experiences. According to Dr. Schnarch, this is an ongoing process that occurs automatically during interactions. Our brains continuously work to understand others so we can navigate social situations effectively.

Dr. Schnarch suggests mind mapping is more than intuition, as it involves complex neurological processes. Several brain areas, including the reptilian brain, mammalian brain, and neocortex, collaborate to process information about others, interpret their emotions and intentions, and guide responses. This ability is shaped by both genetics and life experiences. He explains that the foundation for mind mapping begins in infancy, with children progressively understanding that others have different perspectives. By age four, children develop "explicit" mind-mapping abilities and demonstrate an understanding of differing beliefs and desires, even engaging in intentional deception.

Mind mapping is not solely focused on understanding others but also plays a key role in self-awareness. By mapping our own minds, we gain insights into our thoughts, feelings, and motivations. This self-awareness influences how we perceive the world, interact with others, and shape our life stories. Dr. Schnarch highlights that mind mapping can have both positive and negative consequences depending on how it is used. It can foster empathy, compassion, and healthy relationships, but it can also be used for manipulation, deception, and emotional harm. Recognizing the potential for misuse is crucial for ethical and responsible application of mind-mapping skills.

7 Things I learned from Dr. David Schnarch

Dr. David Schnarch created Crucible Therapy and is one of my heroes. His writing has helped me save my own marriage, and help other couples do the same.

1. Nobody's ready for marriage; marriage makes you ready for marriage. Schnarch believed that marriage is a journey of self-discovery. It's not about finding the perfect person; it's about growing together and learning to be a better partner. Marriage challenges you to become more mature, responsible, and understanding.

2. Differentiation means being able to stand up for what you believe in, even when your partner or other important people in your life pressure you to conform. It's about calming yourself down, not letting your anxiety take over, and not overreacting. Schnarch's own experience in graduate school taught him the importance of differentiation.

3. Embrace your sexual potential. Schnarch emphasized that everyone has sexual potential, but many people are afraid to explore it. He believed that good sex requires emotional maturity and vulnerability. It's not just about technique; it's about being open and honest with your partner and yourself.

4. Intimacy isn't easy. Schnarch believed that true intimacy requires courage and a willingness to be vulnerable. It's about being able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner, even if it's scary. Schnarch emphasized that intimacy isn't about constant bliss; it's about navigating the ups and downs of a relationship with love and respect.

5. Sexual desire problems are common. Schnarch recognized that most couples will experience sexual desire problems at some point. He believed that these problems are often rooted in deeper emotional issues, such as fear of intimacy or a lack of differentiation. Schnarch developed a therapeutic approach called Crucible® Neurobiological Therapy to help couples address these underlying issues.

6. Deal with emotional regressions. Schnarch used the analogy of "living at the bottom of the ocean" to describe emotional regressions, which are moments when we revert to immature or unhealthy behaviors. He believed that we can learn to recognize these regressions and develop strategies to manage them, such as mindfulness and self-soothing.

7. Therapy is a journey of growth. Schnarch viewed therapy as a process of self-discovery and growth. He believed that successful therapy requires a willingness to face difficult emotions and to challenge your own beliefs. Schnarch emphasized that therapists must also be willing to grow and learn from their clients.

Why Crucible Therapy is Better than Gottman Relationship Therapy

David Schnarch created Crucible therapy as a comprehensive approach to helping married couples with both relationship and sexual issues. At its core is the idea of "differentiation" - keeping your own identity and beliefs while still maintaining emotional connections with your partner. Unlike traditional therapy that might see relationship problems as things to fix, Crucible therapy views these challenges as chances for both partners to grow stronger.

This approach differs significantly from the Gottman Method, developed by John Gottman. While Gottman focuses on teaching couples better ways to communicate and handle conflicts - with an emphasis on making both partners feel safe and secure - Crucible therapy takes a bolder approach.

One of Schnarch's key insights is that relying too heavily on your partner for emotional validation (what he calls "other-validated intimacy") can actually damage your relationship over time. Think of it like using crutches - while they help in the moment, depending on them too much can weaken your ability to walk on your own. Instead, Crucible therapy promotes "self-validated intimacy," where you learn to trust your own experiences and maintain your viewpoint, even when it differs from your partner's.

Schnarch disagrees with therapists who encourage partners to constantly validate each other's feelings. He argues this approach can backfire by making people too dependent on their partners for emotional stability. Instead, Crucible therapy teaches people to manage their own emotional reactions and stay calm even when their partner is stressed or anxious. This ability to self-regulate emotions, Schnarch believes, is essential for building stronger, healthier relationships.

Schnarch’s approach addresses the underlying forces that slowly wear down relationships over time. It helps couples grow out of the character weaknesses that keep them from really loving and cherishing each other. It addresses the things that actually make communication so hard.

As a young therapist, I trained in Gottman Relationship Therapy because it was the only modality that was allowed by the practice where I worked. As I gained experience, I gradually replaced Gottman-style couples counseling with more advanced methods I learned from training in Schnarch Crucible Therapy.

I prefer Schnarch Crucible Therapy because it works faster, and is more effective when working with high-conflict couples. I’m never going back.

Dr. David Schnarch and Crucible Therapy

When Dr. David Schnarch created the Crucible Approach and was a leader in combining sexual and marital therapy. Instead of focusing on communication and solving conflicts, he emphasized differentiation: the ability to be true to yourself while staying connected to your partner.  

Schnarch pushed couples to face problems directly during therapy sessions. He believed growth comes from dealing with discomfort, not avoiding it.  His ideas about sexual development were also groundbreaking. While most experts thought sexual peak happened when people were younger, Schnarch argued that people could have their best sexual experiences in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. 

David Schnarch’s Books

• Constructing the Sexual Crucible (1991) (difficult to read)

• Passionate Marriage (1997)

• Intimacy & Desire (2009)

• Brain Talk (2018)

• Living at the Bottom of the Ocean (2024)  (Free PDF, start here)

Crucible Therapy Training

Dr. Schnarch trained therapists in his Crucible Approach from 1995 until his death in 2020. Today, the International Crucible Therapy Education Center continues his work with online and in-person training events. 

Crucible training has helped me become a much more capable therapist, a better husband, and a better father. I have attended a lot of therapist training events, and Crucible training is different:  The focus is on personal growth and development, not on learning skills, theory, or methedology. Crucible training is about becoming. 

If you are looking for a Crucible-Trained therapist, or are a clinician interested in pursuing training, feel free to reach out to me for more information. 

Collaborative Parenting

1. Children Learn From What You Do, Not What You Say

Children learn from what I do, not from what I say. As adults, we have more capacity to learn from what people say to us. Children mostly just learn through observation and repetition. So if you want your child to be more honest, you need to learn how to be more honest. If you want your child to be more courageous, you need to learn how to be more courageous. If you want them to be more kind, you get the idea.

This makes parenting really hard because most of the things that my children do that I don't want them to do, they actually learned from me. That sounds harsh, but it's true because a child's brain is very much programmed to repeat the behaviors that the child observes from their parents.

2. Children Operate at a Fraction of Their Parents' Maturity Level

If I want my child to grow in maturity, I have to increase my own maturity to a much higher level than the maturity level I hope my child will achieve. This ties into what I was saying earlier about if I want my child to manage conflict better, I need to manage conflict better.

3. Demonstrate Collaborative Conflict

One of the most important skills that most of us never got growing up was how to step into a collaborative conflict. This usually comes up between husband and wife: how do I handle myself when I disagree with you? How do I handle myself when I perceive the world differently than you do? How do I handle myself when I perceive you and I perceive myself differently than you perceive yourself and differently than you perceive me?

These things are really hard for adults to manage, and they're even harder for children to manage. But if I can allow my child to see myself stepping into collaborative conflict where I talk straight to you without using anger or manipulation or coercion, then my child can learn that through example. They won't learn that from me talking to them about it. It has to be demonstrated, which means that I have to grow myself up first before I can hope for my children to grow up more.

4. Demonstrate Self-Soothing

Self-soothing is my ability to calm myself down once I've gotten upset. This is one of the most important things that I can demonstrate to my children because it's harder for children to do than it is for adults. A child who never gets to see their parents calm themselves then address the situation is going to have a much harder time learning that skill than a child who actually gets to see their parents do that.

5. Courage is a Prerequisite to Honesty

If you want your children to tell the truth more often, the actual underlying problem is a lack of courage, not a lack of honesty. It's pretty easy for kids to understand the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie—that's not the problem. So there's no use in talking to your kids about "tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth."

The reason they're lying is that they're afraid or they're trying to manipulate you. They would be less likely to do that if they had more courage. Now, here's the problem: it's a lot harder for children to be courageous than it is for adults, and it's already really hard for adults to be courageous.

If I want my kid to be more courageous, I have to be a lot more courageous first, and I have to allow my child to see me being courageous. The most common opportunity I'm going to have as a parent to show my child what courage looks like is to collaboratively confront my partner where my child can see it. So can I talk straight to my wife, for example, while my children are present, without getting angry, without being manipulative, without being cruel? Can I be kind and straightforward and honest and courageous in my child's presence?

The answer for most of us is that we don't really know how to do this. We're not very good at it. If I want my children to learn the skill, I have to learn it first. I have to practice it, and I have to demonstrate it in my children's presence.

6. Most of Your Child's Undesirable Behavior is Caused by Anxiety

If you think of your family system, there's going to be an undercurrent of anxiety that travels through each person in that family system, and children have a much lower ability to handle that anxiety than adults do. So if you as the parent bring a certain amount of anxiety and put that into your family system, your children are going to be more affected by that anxiety than you are, and a child will often deal with that anxiety by doing something you don't want them to do.

This means calming your own anxiety and doing what you can to keep from taking your anxiety and dumping it onto your children, or dumping your anxiety into the family system. One typical example is if the parents are upset at each other, the children will behave poorly because they're sensing the anxiety that's being put into the family system by the parents not liking each other.

7. Don't Use Emotional Punishment

Emotional punishment is just "you didn't do what I want, so now you have to deal with my unpleasant emotion"—so I'm going to get mad at you, or I'm going to withdraw my love and affection, or I'm just going to develop some kind of unpleasant, negative emotion and you're going to have to deal with it. This is the most common way that we parents try to manipulate our children's behavior.

There's a lot of problems with this, but one of the biggest problems is that it just doesn't work. It might work for a few minutes, maybe even a couple hours, but it never works for more than that. You will never improve your child's behavior tomorrow by using unpleasant, intense emotions today.

One of the problems with this is it's much harder to use other discipline methods as opposed to just getting mad or just yelling or just using your unpleasant emotions to try to control your children. The other ways of providing consequences for a child's behavior require a lot more effort and a lot more creativity and a lot more focus than just allowing yourself to get mad.

Now, if you think you can't control yourself, if you can't change the way your emotions come out with your kids, just think about what would happen if your boss showed up at the door while you were in the middle of yelling at your child. If you answered the door, you would not immediately start yelling at your boss, so you actually can control yourself. You're just choosing to allow your emotions to affect your child because it's your instinctive response when your kid doesn't do what you want them to do. This happens to the best of us. It happens to all of us. It's also something we need to work on changing.

8. Immediate Consequences Are Much More Effective Than Extended Consequences

Children respond to immediate consequences much more powerfully than they do to extended consequences. If I tell my child, "you're grounded for a month," that honestly doesn't mean anything more than being grounded for a day or two. To an adult, being grounded for a month has a lot of significance, but children have a very limited ability to imagine what life is going to be in the future. They tend to be very present-focused, and so a consequence that extends out for hours or days or weeks is not very meaningful to most children.

9. Positive Feedback is More Powerful Than Negative Feedback

Providing positive feedback to your child is always going to be more effective than providing negative feedback. So catch your child doing something you want them to do and acknowledge or notice what they're doing. Catch them doing something good and make sure they know that you can tell and that you appreciate their behavior. They really need to know that you can see when they're stretching themselves to become a better version of who they are.

10. Effective Parenting is Actually Super Hard

As you notice from all the things I've talked about, every single item on this list requires me, the parent, to grow myself up, to become more mature, to become more powerful, to calm myself down, to do all the things I want my child to do—but to an even greater extent.

Powerful and effective parenting requires me to look at my own weaknesses, my own inadequacies, and try to change those parts of myself, which sets a good example for my children and allows them to learn from what I do, and also allows me to interact with them in more effective and more powerful ways.

David Schnarch’s Best Books

Here is a list of my favorite David Schnarch books:

1. Living at the Bottom of the Ocean

What the book is about:

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by your emotions, like you’re sinking and can’t come up for air, this book is for you. Schnarch explains how emotional regressions—times when we “lose it” emotionally—can disrupt our lives and relationships. He compares these moments to living underwater, where it’s hard to think clearly or feel in control.

Read it if you want to:

Learn practical strategies to recognize and manage emotional meltdowns. From brain-based therapy techniques to exercises like revisualizations and written dialogues, this book provides tools to climb out of emotional depths and thrive.

Read it for free:

This book is available as a free PDF download here.

2. Brain Talk

What the book is about:

Have you ever wondered how your brain helps you understand other people’s thoughts and feelings? In Brain Talk, Schnarch explores mind mapping, a fascinating way our brains connect with others. This book shows how mind mapping shapes relationships, impacts our emotional health, and can even become distorted through trauma.

Read it if you want to:

Understand the science behind relationships and human behavior. It’s ideal for repairing emotional wounds, improving communication, and strengthening connections with others.

3. Passionate Marriage

What the book is about:

Building a strong, intimate relationship isn’t easy, but Passionate Marriage makes the journey more accessible. Schnarch introduces the concept of differentiation—the ability to stay true to yourself while being deeply connected to someone else. He shares practical techniques, like “hugging till relaxed” and “eyes-open sex,” to help couples deepen their intimacy and rediscover passion.

Read it if you want to:

Grow as a person and as a partner. Whether you’re facing relationship struggles or simply want to strengthen your bond, this book offers actionable advice for creating a fulfilling, lifelong partnership.

4. Intimacy & Desire

What the book is about:

Desire is a complicated part of any relationship. In Intimacy & Desire, Schnarch dives into why normal, healthy couples often struggle with mismatched levels of sexual desire. He explains how these issues are not signs of failure but opportunities for growth.

Read it if you want to:

Reignite passion in your relationship. This book provides tools like the Four Points of Balance to help individuals and couples grow emotionally and sexually, making it perfect for anyone seeking deeper intimacy.

What is a Collaborative Alliance?

Creating a more collaborative alliance is the key to relationship repair. Dr. David Schnarch lists these eight key points about collaborative alliances in Chapter 11 of his book Intimacy and Desire:

1. First and foremost, collaborative alliances focus on what needs to be done. Listening and speaking up are important in these alliances, but they are based on action, not just feelings.

2. Re-establishing a collaborative alliance with your partner is more important than the fact that your alliance crashed. Relationship repair is paramount, prioritizing the continuation of the marriage over fears of its demise.

3. Pay attention to when you drop your alliance. People are often more aware of when their partner drops the alliance than when they do it themselves. Recognizing and acknowledging when you drop your side of the alliance is the first, most difficult, and most important step in rebuilding it. Understanding your patterns of dropping the alliance can lead to quicker improvement and may reflect past life experiences.

4. How you feel isn’t the main issue. Feeling nervous does not excuse you from upholding your end of the alliance. The key issue is fulfilling your responsibilities. Your feelings may be understandable, but your responsibility to maintain your integrity and do what’s right remains.

5. In a collaborative alliance your responsibilities are unilateral, not mutual or reciprocal. A collaborative alliance means maintaining your end of the agreement even when your partner temporarily drops theirs. Your partner’s bad behavior does not excuse your own, and you should confront them about dropping their responsibility after ensuring you have fulfilled yours. This prevents the relationship from being governed by the lowest common denominator.

6. Collaborative alliances don’t always feel good. They can involve confrontation, challenges, and refusing to accommodate, which can be difficult. A collaborative alliance does not guarantee making your partner feel good, validated, accepted, safe, or secure. Collaborative alliances are defined by function, not feeling. In contrast, collusive alliances center around making people feel certain ways.

7. Collaborative alliances never involve blinding yourself about your partner, yourself, or what’s going on between you. Both partners must remain perceptive and mindful, with mind-mapping playing a crucial role. Don’t try to hide your true self. Asking someone to overlook your shortcomings, or offering to do the same for them, constitutes a collusive alliance.

8. Collaborative alliances test your integrity. Maintaining a good-faith agreement ultimately comes down to preserving your integrity. While it’s easier to abandon the alliance and prioritize your own immediate interests, as you become more differentiated, you prioritize doing what you know is right to maintain inner peace. Alliances formed out of convenience may appear collaborative, but they will crumble under pressure.

How Relationships Work

How Relationship Therapy Works

Relationship therapy helps you answer three questions:

• What is going on in your relationship?

• Why is it happening?

• How can you make it better?

Every relationship goes through difficult times. With the right tools, you can emerge from these challenges with a more thriving, passionate marriage. 

Our first three sessions will focus on these topics: 

• effective communication

• conflict resolution

• how to feel safe

• how to create trust

I work with over one hundred couples every year. Most couples reach their relationship goals in ten sessions or less, but some take longer. Rebuilding your relationship might be the most rewarding thing you have ever done, and I will be with you every step of the way. 

Some thoughts to consider

• You aren’t more mature than your partner, you’re just immature in different ways.

• Your relationship will improve when you change your input into the relationship system.

• Your partner can also change their input into the system, but why wait for them to go first?

• Your partner knows more about your personal flaws than you do.

• It’s easier to see your partner’s flaws than your own flaws.

• Your relationship distress is your responsibility, not your partner’s responsibility.

• Your partner is not the cause of your distress, and they will not be the solution to your distress.

• You can only control your own contribution to the relationship system.

• You can’t control your partner’s behavior, but you can change the environment they are operating in.

• Most relationships consist of a two people reacting to each other in a never-ending loop.

• When you stop reacting and start changing, your relationship starts to change.

• If you wait for your partner to go first, you might be waiting a long time.

• You can’t break the loop unless you’re willing to accept and manage your own anxiety.

Relationship Dynamics

• There are three common self-reinforcing relationship dynamics:

• Victim/manipulator:  one acts helpless while the other acts superior and controlling

• Victim/rescuer:  one carries responsibility for the other, who acts helpless

• Pursuer/distancer:  one deals with anxiety by withdrawing, the other deals with anxiety by seeking connection

• In each case, your own behavior encourages and enables your partner’s behavior.

• Most relationships incorporate all three dynamics.

• The further you back into your corner, the easier it is for your partner to stay in their corner.

• When you leave your corner and come out into the middle of the relationship, it makes it harder for your partner to stay in their corner.

• You might feel like you have to keep playing your preferred role, but you don’t actually. You can stop at any moment.

• You probably learned your preferred role in your family of origin.

How to Improve Relationship Communication

• When you defend yourself, you reinforce the idea that your partner is the one who decides whether or not you’re good enough.

• Most arguments are just attempts to extract validation from each other.

• Meaningful communication begins when you stop needing your partner’s agreement and approval.

• Intense emotions are mostly used to manipulate each other.

• When you start arguing, say “I’m gettting defensive, I’ll be back in 20 minutes” then go calm yourself down and try again.

• Ask for what you want and tell your partner what you see. This is called “perception/preference communication.”

• You haven’t been asking for what you want because you don’t want to give your partner a chance to say no.

• If you’re saying a lot of words, you’re probably trying to manipulate someone.

• It takes three words to describe how you feel right now, and eight words to describe how you felt in the past. When you use hundreds of words to “share your feelings” you’re just trying to manipulate your partner.

• If you don’t feel heard, your partner probably just disagrees with you and you don’t want to deal with that.

• If you’ve already explained something twice, doing it a third time isn’t going to help.

The Family you Came From

• Your brain is wired to see your parents as more innocent than they really are, and that makes it easy to see yourself as more innocent than you really are.

• Your brain was designed to survive childhood, not to thrive in adulthood.

• If you want to thrive in adulthood, you have to rewire your brain.

• You don’t get to choose the family you grow up in. Your family’s emotional burden is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

• You will pass your family’s emotional burden on to your children unless you deal with it.

• You can’t see yourself clearly until you can see your parents clearly.

Parenting

• You aren’t as innocent as you think you are.

• Children learn from what you do, not from what you say.

• You are responsible for regulating your emotions and for helping your children regulate their emotions

• Families are anxiety-management machines.

• In a low-functioning family, children act as anxiety absorbers.

• In a high-functioning family, parents act as anxiety absorbers.

• When you don’t deal with your own anxiety, you pass it on to your family.

• Family anxiety concentrates in the family member who has the weakest emotional boundaries. This is often the youngest child, or the most vulnerable child.

• Your child will always operate at fixed percentage of your own maturity. If you want your child to be more mature, you have to become more mature first.

• You don’t get to blame anything on your children.

Sexual Problems in Committed Relationships

• There is always a higher-desire partner and a lower-desire partner (HDP/LDP)

• The LDP controls sex, whether they want to or not.

• All long-term relationships experience sexual desire problems.

• Bad sex is high anxiety and low intimacy

• Good sex is low anxiety and high intimacy

• You can’t negotiate desire.

• Things that kill desire:  anxiety, neediness, shame, guilt, immaturity, dishonesty, cowardice, fragility, and using sex for validation.

• Things that nurture desire:  courage, kindness, honesty, compassion, growing up, and settling down.

• The HDP and LDP contribute equally to sexual problems.

Anger, Frustration, and Resentment

Anger, resentment, and frustration are all the same thing. I’m going to use the word anger here, but feel free to replace it with frustration or resentment if that’s what you usually call it. 

Anger is your body’s emergency self-help solution. When you’re in real trouble, anger is there to help you protect yourself. Anger is a survival mechanism, designed to save us from the worst situations we ever experience. 

Anger only arises when you feel powerless. We get angry a lot because we feel powerless a lot.

When you feel angry, see if you can figure out what’s driving your perception of powerlessness. Next, figure out how much truth there is to that perception. Are you really powerless, or do you just feel that way? 

There are only two ways to feel less angry:  acceptance, and power. If you are truly facing something that is out of your control, your only choice is to accept what is happening. As you accept the reality you are facing, your anger will fade. 

On the other hand, if your perceived powerlessness is an illusion, your anger will fade once you claim your power by taking action. 

In reality, every situation is a combination of these two:  there is always something you can do, and there are also things that are not within your control. The solution to anger is action and acceptance at the same time. 

The reason we resort to anger is that we’re too afraid to take action, and we’re also too afraid to accept what we can’t control. This brings us to a deeper problem:  we get angry because we don’t have enough courage to deal with the problems we face. 

We reach for anger when we run out of courage. Anger and courage are both responses to fear, and anger will always fill in when courage is lacking. 

If you find yourself bound up in anger, frustration, and resentment, courage is the solution. You can develop more courage by acting courageously in small situations, like telling the truth when it would be easier to lie, or not letting your instincts run the show when you know there’s a better way. 

These are the three ways to get less anger in your life:  more courage, more acceptance, and more action. As long as you allow fear to control you, refuse to accept what you cannot change, and fail to take action when appropriate, you will continue to be bound by anger.