What is Normal Marital Sadism?
Normal marital sadism (NMS) is a term coined by Dr. David Schnarch to describe the subtle but cruel ways partners can hurt each other emotionally in a marriage. It's a common problem, often hidden because our society tends to accept some of these behaviors as normal in marriage. NMS goes beyond simple arguments or disagreements; it's about deriving satisfaction from causing your partner emotional pain. Although it doesn't involve physical abuse, it can be very damaging.
Examples of Normal Marital Sadism
Withholding Affection and Support: Punishing your partner by refusing to show them love or give them emotional support when they need it. This is a classic example of NMS, using affection as a weapon to control or manipulate.
Intentional Forgetfulness: Deliberately forgetting important dates or promises is another way to inflict pain. It shows a lack of care and respect for your partner's feelings.
Subtle Put-Downs: Constantly criticizing, belittling, or dismissing your partner's thoughts and feelings can slowly chip away at their self-esteem, making them feel inadequate and insecure.
Sexual Manipulation: Faking orgasms or withholding sex can be used to create distance and punish your partner emotionally. It turns a deeply intimate act into a tool for control and infliction of pain.
Mind Games: Playing mind games and manipulating your partner to get what you want creates an atmosphere of distrust and insecurity in the relationship.
Reasons Why NMS Happens in Marriages
Emotional Fusion: When couples are too emotionally dependent on each other, they can become overly sensitive to anything that threatens their connection. This can lead to hurtful behaviors to protect a fragile sense of self.
Struggles with Differentiation: Differentiation is the process of developing a strong individual identity while staying connected to your partner. Resistance to this process can manifest as clinging to old patterns of control and dependence, leading to NMS.
Two-Choice Dilemmas: Every marriage involves choices that may prioritize one partner's needs over the other's. Avoiding these choices or forcing one partner to always sacrifice their needs can breed resentment and fuel NMS.
