Words on Relationships
Escaping the Anxious/Avoidant Trap
Most marriages incorporate a dynamic where one partner tries to soothe anxiety by seeking emotional and physical closeness, while the other tries to soothe anxiety by seeking emotional and physical distance Each partner's behavior intensifies and reinforces the other’s. This is called the anxious-avoidant or pursuer-distancer dynamic. I’ll use the second term here because both sides of the dynamic are equally anxious.
Why Do We Fall in Love with Abusive Partners?
Kate had a clear memory of her father's actions, but not of his internal state. Her little-girl brain had constructed a world where her father was not responsible for his own behavior, didn't know what he was doing, and was unaware of the consequences of his actions. None of this was true, but it is the way abused children see the world. When Kate reprocessed the memory with her adult brain, she was able to create a clear reconstruction of what role her father had actually played.
Exercises for Calmer Connection
These exercises, developed by sex and relationship therapist Dr. David Schnarch, are designed to help you learn to be physically and emotionally close to your partner without being overwhelmed by anxiety or other difficult emotions. They work best when practiced regularly over time.
What I wish I Knew Before Marriage
Romantic relationships almost always happen between two people at similar levels of emotional development. Once the relationship is established, both partners grow or stagnate together. If you think you are significantly more (or less) mature, kind, or loving than your partner, you probably aren’t.
Parenting Without Emotional Punishment
We don’t get the sudden ability to manage our own emotionality just because we had a kid. Parenting pushes us to become more capable of emotional regulation. Our children will always operate at a fraction of our won emotional skill level. It’s unreasonable to expect any child to exceed their parent’s emotional maturity, but that is exactly what we do when we ask our children to regulate their emotions more skillfully than we do ourselves.
Three Things I learned from Bruce Tift
My first operational assignment as an Air Force helicopter pilot was to a nuclear missile base in Montana. Within a few months of arriving at that base I had developed an unhealthy relationship with Captain Bradford (not his real name), one of the senior pilots in the squadron. He would find opportunities to degrade and belittle me, and I lived in constant fear of him.
Break Free from Emotional Manipulation
Infants use intense emotional expression (crying) to get their needs met. As adults we often resort to the same strategy: using emotional intensity to manipulate others. This behavior is instinctive and hard to grow out of.
How to Tell your Partner what you Want
Most relationship arguments are about differences in preference and perception. If perception is Point A (where I am, where you are, where we are) then preference is Point B (where I want to be, where I want you to be, where I want us to be.) Point A is what I see, and Point B is what I want.
Healthy Relationship Conflict
Healthy conflict is good for relationships, and most relationships actually need more conflict, not less. We avoid conflict because we are afraid of upsetting each other, but the conflict ends up happening anyway, in more harmful ways. Here are seven examples of healthy relationship conflict:
What Drives Low Self-Esteem?
Self-respect is something we build, not something we are born with. As an adult, you are probably already building your self-respect by becoming the kind of person you want to be, and avoiding the temptation of trying to become the kind of person someone else wants you to be.
Why you partner might not want sex
Validation is the sense that you’re good enough and it’s ok for you to be here. Understanding validation is the key to understanding sex, relationships, and human interaction in general. The key to creating a long-lasting sexual relationship is to make the switch from childhood validation (external referencing) to adult validation (internal referencing).
How to Reduce Relationship Anxiety
Once you have identified what you feel in your body, practice directing a string of acceptance, kindness, and love to that uncomfortable sensation. This is a counter-instinctive practice because we learned early in childhood to distract, dissociate, or tune out uncomfortable sensations in the body. As adults, our capacity for feeling intense sensations is much greater than what it was when we were children, but we still distract and dissociate because that is what we are used to doing.