How to Tell your Partner what you Want

Most relationship arguments are about differences in preference and perception. If perception is Point A (where I am, where you are, where we are) then preference is Point B (where I want to be, where I want you to be, where I want us to be.) Point A is what I see, and Point B is what I want. 

It’s hard for two people to travel together when they disagree about the beginning and end points of their journey, but your relationship can still thrive if you learn how to clearly communicate how you perceive your own Point A and B. 

Examples of Point A communication (Sharing perception):

• I don’t think you have my best interest at heart right now

• I see the effort you are putting into our relationship

• I appreciate your honesty

• Thank you for doing the dishes

Examples of Point B communication (Sharing preference):

• Would you please do the dishes

• I want you to tell me the truth

• I want to get married

• I want to have a baby

• I want a divorce.

Communication is revealing yourself to your partner by sharing your perception and preference, and allowing your partner to do the same. Communication tends to be succinct and calm. 

Manipulation is trying to get your parter to agree with you. Manipulation tends to be longwinded and emotional. 

Most of what we call “relationship communication” is actually just manipulation. Your Point A and B will always differ from your partner’s Point A and B.  The goal of communication is to reveal where you stand, and allow your partner to do the same. Sometimes this will result in increasing agreement, and sometimes it won’t.