Sexless Marriage & Dead Bedroom: Sex Therapy & Couples Therapy in Roseville, CA
If sex has slowed down or stopped in your relationship, you're not alone — and you're not broken. Most couples experience shifts in desire over time. But the silence around it can make you feel like you're the only ones struggling, or like something is fundamentally wrong with your marriage. It usually isn't. What's happening is often more meaningful — and more hopeful — than you think.
The Growth That Desire Is Asking For
Early in a relationship, desire comes easily because it's fueled by novelty, anxiety, and the thrill of being chosen. You don't have to bring much of yourself to that kind of wanting — it just happens to you. But over time, that borrowed desire fades. What replaces it — or what could replace it — is something far richer: desire that comes from within you, rooted in your own sense of self rather than your partner's validation.
This is a shift that many couples aren't prepared for, because no one told them it was coming. The relationship isn't dying. It's demanding that both people show up more fully.
The Real Intimacy Problem
Many couples believe their problem is a lack of closeness. They think if they just felt more connected — more emotionally safe — the desire would return. But often the opposite is true. The problem isn't too little closeness. It's that closeness without a strong sense of self becomes suffocating rather than erotic.
When your identity is wrapped up in your partner's approval, sex becomes a performance. You're managing their experience instead of having your own. You're watching yourself from the outside, tracking whether they're satisfied, wondering if you're enough. That's not intimacy. That's anxiety wearing intimacy's clothes.
Real sexual connection requires two people who can hold onto themselves — their own wants, their own aliveness — even while being emotionally open to another person. It asks you to tolerate being known, not just comfortable.
Who "Owns" the Problem?
In most couples dealing with desire differences, there's a familiar script: one partner wants more sex, the other wants less, and both feel like the other person is the problem. The one with higher desire feels rejected and unloved. The one with lower desire feels pressured and inadequate.
But this dynamic is rarely about one person having a "broken" sex drive. It's a system the couple has co-created. The partner who pursues more sex may be using desire to seek reassurance rather than genuine connection. The partner who withdraws may be protecting themselves from a kind of vulnerability they're not yet ready for. Both positions make sense. Neither is the villain.
What matters isn't matching each other's level of desire. It's what each person is willing to face about themselves.
What Therapy Can Offer
If you're coming into couples therapy around this issue, know that the work isn't about fixing someone's libido or scheduling more date nights. It's about understanding the emotional system underneath the sexual one. It's about helping each of you develop the capacity to stay present with yourself and with each other — especially when it's uncomfortable.
This work isn't easy, but it's some of the most rewarding growth a couple can do together. Because on the other side of it isn't just better sex — it's a deeper, more honest partnership.
Request your free first session here or call 916-292-8920. I work with couples in my Roseville office and via telehealth throughout California.
Resources:
James M. Christensen, LMFT Sex Therapy & Couples Therapy in Roseville, CA 916-292-8920
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