Why you partner might not want sex
Reason #1: you’re in a committed relationship.
It really is normal to have a higher-desire partner (HDP) and a lower-desire partner (LDP) in a committed sexual relationship. You’re probably the HDP, and you probably have a lot of cultural support for the idea that your partner is the one with the problem.
Even though it’s normal for one partner to want less sex, relationships are more fun when there is less discrepancy in desire. Let’s make that happen by looking at. . .
Reason #2: you’re using sex to extract validation.
Validation is the sense that you’re good enough and it’s ok for you to be here. Understanding validation is the key to understanding sex, relationships, and human interaction in general. The key to creating a long-lasting sexual relationship is to make the switch from childhood validation (external referencing) to adult validation (internal referencing).
In childhood, validation comes from others. Children are good at absorbing validation from others, and not good at validating themselves. Children are external referencers.
Adult validation comes from within. As adults, we lose the ability to absorb validation from others, forcing us to earn our own self-respect or live in a constant state of invalidation. Adults have to become internal referencers if they want to enjoy committed relationships.
The switch from external to internal referencing requires dedicated, deliberate effort. Most adults continue pursuing validation in childlike ways, hoping it will work next time even though it didn’t work last time. It’s really quite hard to undo the programming your brain received in childhood, replacing it with behavioral patterns that work well in adulthood.
Higher-desire partners often use sex to extract validation. Have you ever felt slightly let down after sex? That’s your subconscious informing you that your attempt to extract validation didn’t work very well. Let’s figure out how to fix that by looking at. . .
Reason #3: the way you use sex makes it hard for your partner to desire you
Humans are hard-wired to avoid validation traps (situations where you feel pressured to bolster someone’s self-esteem.) Think about the last time someone tried to extract approval or validation from you: do you remember feeling a bit of disgust? That “cringe” of disgust is completely incompatible with sexual desire. That’s what your partner feels when you try to use sex to extract validation.
Lets’ take a step back here before you start cursing my name: repairing differences in sexual desire is a two-player game, and the lower-desire partner has plenty of work to do as well. I’m zeroing in on the HDP here because I’m guessing that’s who’s reading this article. Don’t worry, it’s not all your fault! Learn more about the LDP’s role in this dynamic by exploring . . .
Reason #4: cultural meanings attached to sex make it hard to nurture desire in committed relationships.
Everyone grows up with unhelpful meanings attached to sex, stemming from societal efforts to regulate sexuality and general anxiety about sex. Here are some unhelpful cultural ideas you might have been exposed to:
The LDP should “care for” the HDP by having sex
A man who doesn’t want sex isn’t a “real man”
Sex is gross, bad, scary, or so amazing it has to be kept hidden and restricted
Sexual difficulties are the LDP’s fault
Sexual desire arises naturally as soon as emotional concerns are resolved
Reason #5: your relationship is going through a natural process of growth and development
Sexual desire problems are part of the normal course of relationship progression. Desire, and the lack of desire, pressure us to become more capable of honesty, love, courage, kindness, and understanding, because that is the only way to create an environment where desire can flourish and thrive. If that sounds like a lot of work, well, it is.
Sexual desire in long-term relationships is a delicate flower being choked by weeds, parched for lack of water, and starved for lack of nourishment. Given proper care, you can create a sexual relationship that put one-night stands to shame. This requires emotional growth and development, commitment, and education.
