We're Like Roommates
You live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and feel completely alone.
You used to talk for hours. Now you barely make eye contact. The passion that brought you together has faded into logistics—who's picking up the kids, what's for dinner, when the mortgage is due.
You're not fighting. You're not in crisis. You're just... nothing. And somehow that feels worse.
This Isn't a Communication Problem
Most couples therapists will tell you that you need to "reconnect" by scheduling date nights and sharing your feelings more. That advice sounds reasonable, but it doesn't work.
The real problem isn't that you stopped talking. It's that you stopped being willing to truly be seen by each other.
Somewhere along the way, you both started hiding—smoothing over conflict, keeping the peace, avoiding the conversations that actually matter. You traded intimacy for comfort. And now you're paying the price.
What's Actually Going On
Emotional disconnection happens when two people stop showing up as themselves in the relationship. You start performing the role of "good spouse" instead of being a real person with desires, frustrations, and a point of view.
This isn't your fault. It's what most of us learned to do in our families growing up. We learned to accommodate, to avoid rocking the boat, to make ourselves smaller so we could belong.
But marriage doesn't work that way. The safety you created by hiding from each other is the same thing that killed your connection.
The Path Back to Each Other
Reconnection doesn't come from trying harder to be close. It comes from each of you becoming more fully yourself—more honest, more present, more willing to be seen even when it's uncomfortable.
This is what David Schnarch called differentiation: the ability to hold onto yourself while staying connected to your partner. It's the foundation of real intimacy, and it's the opposite of what most couples therapy teaches.
When you can show up as a whole person—with your own preferences, perceptions, and desires—your partner finally has someone to connect with. Two people who are willing to be known can create something that two people who are hiding never can.
What Therapy Looks Like
I don't do small talk in session. We get right to work on what matters.
I'll help you see the patterns that are keeping you stuck—the ways you're both avoiding real contact with each other. Then I'll challenge you to do something different, right there in the room.
This isn't comfortable work. But it's the only work that actually changes things.
Most of my couples start feeling more connected within the first few sessions. Not because they learned new communication techniques, but because they started being real with each other again.
Your First Session Is Free
Come see what this kind of therapy feels like. If it's not for you, you'll know right away.
Or call/text me at 916-292-8920
James Christensen LMFT
Roseville Couples Counseling
300 Harding Blvd, Suite 108
Roseville, CA 95678