Healthy Relationship Conflict
7 examples of healthy relationship conflict
Healthy conflict is good for relationships, and most relationships actually need more conflict, not less. We avoid conflict because we are afraid of upsetting each other, but the conflict ends up happening anyway, in more harmful ways. Here are seven examples of healthy relationship conflict:
Focus on perception and preference. Your perception is how you see yourself and your partner. Your preference is what you want your partner to do. You and your partner will always have different perceptions and preferences. As your relationship heals, these differences will shrink, but they will never disappear entirely. They just won’t be a problem anymore.
“I don’t think you have my best interest at heart.” This is an example of clearly stating a personal perception. Your partner will probably disagree with it, and that’s OK. The point is to be honest about how you see things, and then allow your partner to disagree if they do disagree. Healthy conflict is about allowing disagreement to exist peacefully.
“I prefer you use a kinder tone with me.” This is an example of clearly stating your preference without trying to force compliance. Preferences are powerful because no one else gets to define them for you. This only works if you can stay calm when your partner doesn’t comply with your wishes. Emotional intensity is often a form of manipulation.
“I understand and I disagree” is a way of clearing the ground between listening and agreeing. “You’re not hearing me” usually means “you don’t agree with me and I can’t handle it.”
“I don’t need you to agree with me” is a way to remind your partner that they get to have their own perceptions and preferences. Once you’ve shared your own preferences and perception, it’s wise to avoid trying to bring your partner around to seeing things the way you do.
Avoid appeals to outside authority. Your preferences matter because you matter. You don’t need to buttress them with what “should” be happening. Take ownership of what you see and what you want. “This is what I want” is a stronger position than “this is how things should be.”
Focus on the future, not the past. Your partner remembers the past differently than you do, and that’s OK. Figure out what you want in the future, ask for it, and allow your partner to say no if that’s what they want to say.
