How to Stop Arguing: 10 Communication Tips That Actually Work

If you're searching for ways to stop arguing with your partner, you've probably already tried a few things that didn't work. Maybe you've tried talking more. Maybe you've tried talking less. Maybe you've tried explaining your position more clearly, only to find that clarity didn't help at all.

The truth is, most relationship communication problems aren't really about communication. They're about something deeper. But there are communication skills that can help—if you understand what they're actually for.

Here are my top 10 tips, starting from the bottom.

10. Allow Disagreement

Most arguments boil down to a simple problem: I can't allow my partner to disagree with me, and I can't allow my partner to disapprove of me.

This happens because of ego fragility. If I'm fragile, it's not okay with me if she disapproves of me. If I'm fragile, it's not okay with me if she disagrees with me. So I put all this effort into trying to control her, trying to get her agreement and approval.

The better way to handle things is to allow her to disagree and disapprove—and then figure out what kind of person I want to be and what I'm going to do about that. Because I care about her, I'm going to be interested in her feedback. But I'm never going to make her the person who gets to decide whether I'm good enough.

This isn't the default way we're programmed. The default is to seek approval and agreement from someone else, usually our partner. If I want to fix this, I have to do the work of looking in the mirror at the end of the day and asking: What kind of person do I want to be? Am I going to be the one who decides whether I'm good enough or not?

9. Take Out the "Screw You"

If I'm going to say something to my wife, I first need to pause, take a deep breath, calm down, and ask myself: is there a "screw you" embedded in this message?

I could say, "I want you to do this thing" or "I don't want you to do this thing." But if I'm angry, it comes out as "I want you to do this thing... and screw you, by the way." That's how I feel in the moment.

If I deliver that message, she's going to get the "screw you" part, and whatever I was really trying to say won't make much difference. If I want to have a positive impact, I need to take out the "screw you," calm myself down, and deliver just the message I really wanted to deliver.

This works in reverse too. If my wife is talking to me and she's angry and has embedded a "screw you" in her message, I can do the same work—extracting the "screw you," figuring out the central point, and taking that in without paying too much attention to the hostility. Obviously her work is to take it out first, but if she doesn't, I can do it for her.

8. Don't Talk About Your Feelings

Feelings change all the time. They change with the moon, the weather, the sunrise. They come and go. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. And my feelings are not my partner's responsibility.

If I'm talking to my partner about my feelings, it's tempting to imagine that she needs to fix what I feel, or that she's responsible for what I feel. That's just not true. As an adult, I'm always responsible for taking care of my own feelings.

It's much wiser to talk to my partner about her behavior. If I want her to change something, I should do the work of figuring out what I would like her to do differently—and then talk to her about that instead of talking about how I feel.

7. Confront Yourself First

Before I approach my wife to talk about our relationship, I ask myself a question: Does this come from the best in me?

There's a really good part of me—a part that cares about my wife, a part that really wants a good marriage. There's also a part of me that kind of likes to make people feel bad, do mean things, be a little selfish. If I bring my worst part to my wife, it's going to inspire her to bring her worst self. Then we spiral into a bad pattern.

Before I initiate a relationship conversation, I calm myself down, think through what I want to say, and ask: Does this come from the best in me?

If it doesn't, I pause. I calm down. I journal, talk to somebody, get some advice. I wait until I can bring the best of me to my wife.

This includes when I have something difficult to say. If I need to confront my wife about something, that's fine—as long as I confront myself first. Am I trying to hurt her feelings? Am I trying to control her? Am I trying to get her to make me feel better? Am I putting a responsibility on her that should really be mine? Am I asking her to do something I'm not willing to do? Am I pretending I'm better than her?

All these questions help me confront myself first. I'm not saying don't confront your partner. I'm saying confront yourself first, then decide whether you still need to confront your partner.

6. Turn Your Complaints into Requests

A complaint is about the past. It's full of negative energy. It's whiny and it doesn't help you get what you want.

A request is about the future. It's full of positive energy and focused on what you want your partner to do.

We usually start by complaining: "This is what you always do. You never do this. You're not good enough." That will never get me what I want in my relationship. What might help is if I do the work to ask: What could my partner do differently in the future that might make things better?

Then I reach into myself and ask: Can I express this request in a friendly way? Can I get to a place where I actually care about my partner, where I want us to be happy together? I bring the best of me to my partner and then make the request: "I would like you to..." or "I want you to..." or "I would prefer that you..."

That's how you turn a complaint into a request.

5. Share Your Perception

Your perception is how you see the world—especially how you see your partner. This is part of what's called revealing your mind to your partner. You have a certain idea in your head about who your partner is, how they behave, how they treat you, even how they feel about you. Share that.

Your perception might be: "I noticed that your friends are always a higher priority than I am." Or: "The last few times we talked, it ended with you yelling at me." Or: "The last few times we talked, it ended with you storming out."

These are observations. I'm saying, "This is how I see you." I'm not trying to pound you down or pretend I'm better than you. I'm not trying to convince you that my perception is right and yours is wrong. I'm just saying this is my perception. I realize it's probably different than your perception of yourself, but this really is how I see you.

4. Share Your Preference

Preference is powerful because nobody else gets to define what I want. My preference is always mine to define.

A trap I see couples fall into: instead of saying "I want you to do this," they say "You should do this" or "If you were a good partner, you'd do this" or "God wants you to do this" or "If you were normal, you'd do this."

They're reaching outside themselves and saying some external authority is speaking for them. The problem is that if I don't share my preference, everything's up for debate. If I tell you what I want, that's not up for debate—I get to determine what I want. As soon as I frame it as something other than my preference, you get a say in whether I want it or not.

All I have to say is: "I prefer that you not yell at me." That's the end of the story. It's not about whether yelling is right or wrong. It's just my preference.

The other thing about stating a preference is that I'm acknowledging you're the one who gets to choose. It's my preference and it's your choice. You get to choose how you act, and I get to choose how I prefer you act. Learning to clearly state your preference is one of the most powerful things you can do to improve communication in your relationship.

3. Don't Defend Yourself

When you defend yourself to your partner, you're making it seem like your partner is the one who determines whether you're good enough. Whether your ideas are valid. Whether your preferences are valid. None of that is true. But every time you defend yourself, you make it seem like it is.

Here's what you do instead. You say, "I prefer that you do things this way." Your partner says, "I don't want to do that." You don't defend yourself. Because if you defend yourself, you make it seem like your partner gets to decide whether your preference is good enough.

If I express what I see and what I want, and my partner disagrees, now we're clear on where we stand. That's the purpose of communication: to reveal my mind clearly and kindly. This is what I think. This is what I want. And I let my partner do the same.

The solution to relationship problems isn't really a communication problem—it's a problem of developing the capacity for caring about each other. If I want a successful relationship, I have to care a lot about my wife and she has to care a lot about me. That's different than communication.

Don't try to solve a behavior problem with communication. It doesn't work.

2. Use Fewer Words

The most powerful way to express any idea is to express it in the fewest words possible. If I say something in 40 words when it could have been said in four, I just diluted my message by ten times.

The most powerful way for me to communicate with my partner is to think ahead of time about what I want to say, figure out how to say it, say it—and then be quiet.

If I say what I want and then start explaining it, justifying it, saying it again, repeating it, I make the message less powerful. I make it seem like I don't really know what I want.

There's a part of my brain that thinks if I just say it one more time in a slightly different way, my partner is going to suddenly agree with me. That's not true. If your partner disagrees, they're probably going to disagree for a while. Saying the same thing with slightly higher emotionality is definitely not going to change their mind.

Say the one thing you need to say. Say it once. Then be quiet. Allow your partner to disagree. When you say fewer words, the words you say are more powerful.

1. Slow Down

Everything I just talked about is only possible if I slow myself down enough to think before I talk.

If I respond immediately to what my wife just said, I don't give my brain enough time to catch up with my mouth. So the single most important key to relationship communication—the one that matters more than everything else—is: slow down enough to do the other things.

Slow down enough to think. Slow down enough to confront yourself. Slow down enough to share your preference and your perception. Take a breath. Take a break. Get a glass of water. Do some jumping jacks. Do anything other than immediately respond to what your partner just said.

If you jump in and respond immediately, I guarantee you are not saying the most effective thing you could have said. I don't know anyone who can bring their best self to relationship conflict running at full speed. The only way to have better relationship communication is to slow yourself down so you can do all these things and bring your best self to your relationship.

When Communication Isn't the Problem

Here's what I want you to take away from this. Most of these tips aren't really about communication at all. They're about personal growth. They're about developing the ability to hold onto yourself while being close to another person. They're about learning to care about your partner more than you do right now.

If you're stuck in patterns of arguing and nothing seems to help, couples therapy might be the next step. The kind of work I do isn't primarily about teaching communication skills—it's about helping each person develop the capacity to be in a real relationship. Communication gets better as a side effect.

If you're in the Sacramento area—Roseville, Rocklin, or anywhere in Placer County—I offer a free first session so you can see if this approach is right for you. I also work with couples worldwide via Zoom.

The goal isn't to stop arguing. The goal is to become the kind of person who can be truly close to another human being. When that happens, the arguments take care of themselves.