The Paradox of Self-Acceptance

My therapist says that respect is accepting a person exactly the way they are. If that is true, then self-respect means accepting myself exactly the way I am.

When I consider that thought, a little red warning flag pops up in my mind and says, "But if you do that, James, then you'll never change and become the person you want to be."

It's like I have this deeply instinctive suspicion of self-acceptance. I imagine this future version of myself, fat, lazy, lying on a couch in my underwear, all because I accepted myself just the way I am.

In reality, I think the opposite is true. I think self-acceptance actually leads to growth, and self-judgment leads to stagnation.

The Defensive Posture

When I perceive that someone is judging me, I start to feel defensive. When I judge myself, I also feel defensive. And when I feel defensive, my brain locks down and doesn't invest in growth.

A defensive posture is one of protection and caution. It's not a time when the brain is likely to take a chance, try something new, let go of old patterns and old habits.

Most of us maintain a self-judgmental attitude that constantly triggers this defensive posture, making it hard for our brains to change and adapt.

Like any normal person, I also face judgment from my wife, my kids, and a few other people. But in the end, it's my own self-judgment that is most pervasive and perhaps most harmful.

But if that's the case, how can I ever change it? If my own self-judgment is making it hard for my brain to change, how could I ever become less judgmental?

Embracing the Inner Critic

One way to work with this is to imagine that my inner critic is a separate person that lives inside me. This isn't really true, of course, but it's a useful way to think of the different patterns that exist in my brain.

When I hear my inner critic speak up, I can pause, take a moment, then imagine myself reaching out in love and compassion to that inner critic.

This feels a little bit different from just trying to love myself, which is a hard thing to do. Instead, I imagine that this inner critic is someone who really needs a hug, and I visualize myself offering a warm hug to this grumpy part of me.

In the end, this actually is an act of self-compassion. It just feels more approachable in the moment than if I just said, "I should love myself."

So I think of this inner critic, and I turn to him, and I accept him just the way he is, even though he's criticizing me. I might even thank him for his assistance in the past. He helped me get motivated to do some hard things when I was young. I didn't have any better way to motivate myself back then.

The thing is, compassion always trumps criticism, and when my inner critic senses my compassion, he realizes his services are no longer needed, and he starts to relax.

This Morning

When I woke up this morning, I felt a heavy burden of all the things I need to do. I also felt a deep sense of not being good enough. I know that feeling so well. It's been with me my whole life.

But as I lay in bed, I thought, what if that feeling isn't really accurate? What if I'm actually starting out today with my head already above water? What if I'm already good enough and everything I accomplish today is just icing on the cake?

In that moment, something shifted inside my brain. In an instant, I perceived myself in a warm light as someone who has already done well and will probably continue to do well, but doesn't really have to. I perceived myself for a moment as someone who doesn't have to earn his worthiness.

On a normal morning, I would roll out of bed and try to make myself do something useful instead of seeking entertainment of some kind. This morning, everything was different. I wasn't really tempted to check the news or even read my emails. I felt drawn to do the most valuable thing I could with my time, and that's what I did.

It wasn't even that hard because I wasn't putting any energy into defending the idea that I was good enough, for today at least. I felt like that debt had been paid.