What to Do When Your Wife Wants a Divorce

If your wife wants a divorce and you don't, this post is for you.

There are three things you need to understand. First, she's probably right about you and wrong about herself. Second, you need to figure out her core complaint. Third, the only way to keep her is to let her go.

She's Probably Right About You

Your wife has probably told you things about yourself that are uncomfortable and hard to take in. She's probably right about most of them.

She's offering you an outside perspective. She sees things about you and how you behave that you can't see yourself. She's telling you about your blind spot.

One of the hardest things about marriage is that my wife usually sees me more clearly than I see myself. And it's true in reverse—I see her more clearly than she sees herself. But in this situation, if your wife is ready to leave, you need to focus on what she sees in you that you have trouble seeing.

If she's telling you things about yourself that don't seem true, sit with them. Write them down. Try to figure out the gist of what she's saying. Separate her message from whatever anger she feels. There's almost certainly truth in what she's telling you, even if you can't see it yet.

The other thing that might be happening is that while she's right about you, she's wrong about herself. She might clearly see the things you're doing that make marriage hard while being completely blind to the things she's doing that make marriage hard.

But if your goal is to stay married, focus on what you can change. The hardest thing to change is the thing you can't see.

Figure Out Her Core Complaint

Your wife probably has some vague ideas about what drives her crazy about you, but she might not be able to explain the underlying issue clearly. She might not even be fully clear on it herself.

Usually the core concern is something like this: she wants you to care about her more than you do. She wants you to prioritize her. She wants you to see her as an equal. She wants you to treat her with kindness.

But it won't come out in those words. It'll come out in examples. She might say you don't help with the kids the way she wants, or you don't clean up the way she wants, or you said you'd be home at 8 PM and you weren't.

These small complaints point to the core concern without explicitly stating it. Your job is to figure out what it actually is.

Ask yourself: how would I have to think about her differently and feel about her differently in order to treat her in a way that makes it more pleasant for her to be married to me?

It usually boils down to becoming capable of caring more about her and holding yourself to a standard of constant kindness and decency. That's harder than it sounds.

When you figure out her core concern, you might realize you have a similar one. You might want her to care about you more too. But don't focus on that right now. Your power is in changing your own behavior, not hers.

Let Her Go If You Want to Keep Her

Here's the paradox: the tighter you hold on, the faster she pulls away. The more you can let her go, the more likely she is to change her mind.

The key to letting her go is realizing you're going to be okay if she leaves.

Try to imagine what your life will look like a year after the divorce, if it happens. What will you do with yourself? What goals will you pursue? How will you take care of yourself? Visualize it. That's how you can start to believe it's going to be okay even if she leaves. It's a tragedy, but it's not the end. It's just one more obstacle.

The distress you feel about her wanting to leave is actually pushing her away. Women tend to crave a sense of security, calm, and okayness in marriage. The more upset you are, the harder it is for her to be around you. I realize there's a reason you're upset and it's related to her. But your work is still to calm down and see that you'll be okay regardless of what she chooses.

Think of your anxiety as a force field that repels her. If you can calm yourself down and deal with that anxiety, there's a chance she might decide it's okay to stay.

Don't try to talk her into staying. Don't try to prove that everything is her fault. Don't tell her you've changed the things she says you haven't changed. She's going to judge you by your behavior, not your words. When you say things that don't line up with how you act, it drives her further away.