Becoming a More Loving Person

The absolute lowest point of my marriage came a few years ago when I was having an emotional affair, and my wife asked me to stop. I said no.

When I think back to that conversation now, the thing that stands out most is that it didn't bother me that I was having such an intensely negative impact on my wife. I was doing something extremely hurtful to her. I knew it was hurtful. And that didn't bother me at all.

By this point, we hadn't really liked each other for a long time. We'd been to couples therapy for a couple of years. It obviously hadn't helped much. But what sticks out to me now is how callous and indifferent I was to my impact on my wife.

This post is about how my marriage fell apart to that point—and how we've been putting it back together ever since.

Falling in Love vs. Becoming a Loving Person

When I fell in love with my wife, I had these intense feelings that drove me to treat her really well. My behavior was driven by my feelings. My feelings were kind and loving, so my behavior was kind and loving.

But after a few years of marriage, my feelings changed. And my behavior changed with them—because I didn't yet know how to base my behavior on who I wanted to be instead of just letting my feelings drive everything.

That's the critical difference between falling in love and becoming a loving person.

When I fell in love, I had all these nice feelings that drove me to be a great husband. When those feelings changed, my behavior changed too. I didn't treat my wife the way a loving husband treats his wife.

So I had to learn to separate my behavior from my feelings. Here's what that's looked like for me.

Decency

The first step is holding myself to a standard of decency no matter what. No exceptions. No excuses.

When I feel love and kindness towards my wife, I treat her well. When I feel anger and resentment towards my wife, I also treat her well.

That's the difference.

When we're in an argument and I start to feel defensive, I need to watch myself. When I feel defensive, my instinct is to say mean things. It's just what my brain does. So I've learned to notice when I feel defensive and stop talking until I can get my feelings under control. That usually takes a few minutes. If it takes longer, fine.

The key is not using this as an excuse to avoid dealing with problems—but also not giving myself permission to say mean things just because I feel mean feelings.

Courage

The second step is courage. Being willing to step into conflict in my marriage when it's important, and doing it in a courageous and kind way.

What often happens in marriage is avoid, avoid, avoid, explode. I'm unhappy about something happening or not happening in the marriage, but I'm not going to say anything about it. I'll sweep it under the rug, pretend it's not there, and avoid it until my anger rises to the point that I lash out.

But when I step into conflict with anger, it always pushes us backwards. It never helps us get better.

Courage is the antidote to avoid, avoid, avoid, explode. If I can step into conflict with courage and kindness, I can actually do something that makes our marriage better, not worse.

Focus

There's a story about a man crawling on his hands and knees underneath a streetlight. A stranger comes up and asks what he's doing. He says he's looking for his keys. The stranger asks where he lost them. He says he lost them over there in that dark corner of the parking lot.

The stranger asks why he doesn't look for them over there.

He says, "Well, I would, but the light's better here under the streetlight."

My brain really likes to focus on the wrong thing. It's easy for me to see the things my wife needs to change. It's a lot harder to see the things I need to change.

It's almost like the streetlight is shining on my wife's behavior, while my behavior is over there in that dark corner. I don't want to go look there because it's harder. But that's where my keys are. That's where I can actually do something to make my marriage better—by changing my behavior and figuring out what I need to do differently.

It's fine to spend a little attention on my wife's behavior, to talk to her about it, to think about it. But if it's most of my attention, I'm wasting my time and energy. I don't have any power to directly change what she's doing in the marriage. I only have power to change what I'm doing.

The Path Forward

Decency. Courage. Focus.

If I hold myself to the standard of treating my wife with decency no matter what, if I use courage to step into conflict productively instead of using anger, and if I focus on the things I can actually control—like my own behavior and not my wife's behavior—I have a much better chance of becoming a loving person.

And that's how you create a better marriage.