Personal Power is the Foundation of Good Relationships

When you don't feel like you're going to be okay, it's hard to be kind to your partner. Learning how to feel like you're going to be okay is the foundation of a good relationship.

I call it a feeling of personal power. Personal power means I feel strong enough to take care of myself, even if my partner doesn't change. It means I'm not dependent on my partner the way I used to be dependent on my parents. It means I want my partner to treat me well, but I don't need my partner to treat me well, because I can take care of myself.

Your ability to have a good relationship will always be limited by your own sense of personal power and okayness. No matter how well your partner treats you, if you don't know how to generate a sense of personal power and okayness internally, you'll always carry an excessive degree of caution and fearfulness into your relationship.

This happens because the relational part of your brain is optimized for childhood, not adulthood. It was designed to pay attention to how your parents felt about you when you were young, because that was important for your survival. It's designed to operate in a family system where you, as the child, have very little power.

If you want a better relationship, help your brain learn to adapt to the reality of being an adult in an adult relationship.