How to Solve Relationship Problems
Your brain has two modes: Problem Mode and Person Mode.
In Problem Mode, you see your partner as a problem to be solved.
In Person Mode, you see your partner as a person, someone who’s a lot like you.
The Problem with Problem Mode
When you are facing a problem in your relationship, your brain will go into Problem Mode to try to solve it.
There are three problems with problem mode:
It doesn't understand people
It's too focused
It oversimplifies
1. It Doesn't Understand People
When I put pressure on my coffee mug, it slides across my desk.
But when I put pressure on my wife, it actually makes her want to push back in the opposite direction.
The single most important difference between person mode and problem mode is that person mode understands this and problem mode doesn’t.
When you get stuck in problem mode, you will consistently try to pressure your partner into doing things your way.
Because you're stuck in problem mode, you won't remember that when you pressure your partner, it actually makes it harder for them to do the things you want.
Person mode knows that people crave freedom and autonomy. Problem mode thinks of people as if they were inanimate objects that can be controlled and manipulated. This never really works, of course. But when you're stuck in problem mode, you just try it over and over and over.
My wife and I were stuck in problem mode for the first 20 years of our marriage. We both were trying to control and manipulate each other constantly, and we were both responding to each other with rebellion, anger, and hatred.
2. It’s too Focused
Problem Mode is designed to solve one specific problem while ignoring everything else.
When your brain is stuck in problem mode, it ignores the context of your relationship.
It especially ignores your contribution to the problems in your relationship.
When you’re in problem mode, your partner's behavior seems like the biggest problem in the world
It becomes nearly impossible to think about how you are contributing to relationship difficulties.
Your brain returns over and over to the idea that your partner has to change for you to be okay.
3. It oversimplifies
Problem Mode things there is a prescribed solution to every problem, and it thinks it knows that solution.
It oversimplifies everything.
Problem Mode says “The way you see things is obviously wrong, and the way I see things is obviously right.”
Papa Mode doesn't deal with the dynamic nature of human beings, and it doesn't deal with the complex nature of reality.
In reality, there are always dozens of things to consider in creating relationship change.
In reality, a person's behavior is determined by a combination of hundreds of separate influences they have experienced throughout their lives.
In reality, your partner is just as likely to have the answers to your relationship problems as you are.
When your brain is in problem mode, it's not going to acknowledge any of those facts.
It will just continue thinking that it knows what's right and your partner doesn't have a clue.
How to get out of problem mode
Here are three questions to free your brain from problem mode:
If my partner doesn't change, will I find a way to be okay?
If my partner doesn't change, what will my life will look like one year from now?
If my partner doesn't change, will I relate to myself with warmth and acceptance?
Each of these questions takes you away from focusing on the one problem that seems so overwhelming to you right now. As long as you remain focused on that one problem, your brain will stay in problem mode and you won't actually be able to make your relationship better.
These questions help you zoom out from the one problem and look at the big picture instead.
You will feel your brain magnetically drawn to go back into problem mode. They will want to obsess about the one big problem, they will want to spin it around over and over, looking for a solution it is incapable of finding.
The part of your brain that is capable of seeing your partner as a person is also in charge of:
full-body movement and sensation
singing, dancing, and poetry
Synchronizing body movement with other people.
Sports, walking in nature, learning new things, and most outdoor activities pull your brain out of problem mode.
The Big Picture
You actually have two brains, not one. The left half of your brain is problem mode and the right half is person mode.
If you want to have a better relationship, start by helping your brain get used to operating in person mode all the time.
Problem mode will still be there for you when you need to change a light switch open a can, or play a video game.
But when you're trying to relate to your partner, only person mode will help you.
If you want to learn more about problem mode and person mode, read or listen to The Master and His Emissary by Iain McGilchrist.
