Focus on your Outbound Impact

When you have a relationship problem, your brain wants to focus on your partner's behavior, not on yours.

It wants to think about your partner's impact on you, and it doesn't want to think about your impact on your partner.

With effort, you can help your brain learn to focus on your impact on your partner instead of focusing on your partner's impact on you.

Example 1: Jill and Julian

Jill wanted to have children, and Julian wasn't sure. The discussions spiraled into arguments, with each of them saying mean things to the other. Jill's brain focused on how Julian was treating her, and Julian's brain focused on how Jill was treating him.

Things got better when Jill started focusing on her impact on Julian, instead of focusing on Julian's impact on her.

Jill approached Julian and apologized for the way she had been treating him. She didn't back down from her position because having children was still really important to her. But she promised herself that going forward, she would hold herself to a standard of always treating Julian respectfully.

Every time the topic of children came up, Jill could feel her brain sliding into seeing Julian as a problem, not a person. She noticed the slide and pulled herself back to seeing Julian as a person, not a problem.

If Julian doesn't change his mind, Jill will face a difficult choice. She can either leave Julian and try to find a partner who wants children, or she can stay with Julian and face the reality that he doesn't want to have children with her. Either way, Jill's life will be better if she can hold herself to the standard of always treating Julian with respect.

Example 2: Mike and Diane

Mike wanted to buy a new car and Diane wanted to spend the money on new carpet instead.

Diane was happy with the car they had, and Mike was happy with the carpet they had.

Mike's brain wanted to focus on the way Diane was treating him. He didn't want to focus on how he was treating her.

His brain wanted to see Diane as a problem, not a person.

One morning, Mike woke up and realized he was already angry at Diane, before he had even gotten out of bed.

He went for a run and started thinking about what it must be like for Diane to be on the other side of his energy.

He thought about what it would feel like to have a partner who's angry at you all the time.

I'm not going to tell you how they resolved this conflict, because it's not the point of the story.

In a situation like this, you're either going to find a compromise or someone is going to yield.

That's not what matters.

What matters is when one person decides to focus on the impact they have on their partner instead of focusing on the impact their partner has on them.

Example 3: Mark and Susan

Mark and Susan didn't really disagree about anything significant.

They had similar views on politics and parenting, and they didn't even really disagree on how to spend their money.

Even though they agreed on most things, they found themselves arguing several times a week.

Mark sat down and tried to figure out the underlying drive behind his dissatisfaction with Susan.

What he came up with was remarkably simple. He wrote it on a piece of paper and underlined it twice. It said simply this: "I want you to care about me more than you do."

He told Susan what he had done, and showed her the piece of paper. Susan sat silently for a few seconds, and then said, "I want the same thing from you."

Knowing that you want your partner to care more about you is a good start. But realizing that you can't directly do anything about that is important.

What you can do is figure out how to start caring about your partner more than you do right now.

It's not a black or white thing. It's not about whether you care about them or whether you don't care about them. It's about learning to care more than you do right now.

Mark decided to focus his attention on thinking about what it was like for Susan to be married to him.

Whenever he found himself in a difficult relationship situation, he would calm himself and refocus his attention on how he was impacting Susan in that moment.

He would help his brain move away from the idea that he needed Susan to change, and instead settle himself down with the thought that he was going to be okay even if she didn't change.

Given that fact, it was okay for him to focus on how he could improve the impact he was having on Susan.

As Mark did that, it made it easier for Susan to do the same.

Susan picked up on Mark's settling, which had decreased the pressure she felt to fight for her own survival. As she felt herself calm down, she was also able to think more about what it was like for Mark to be married to her.

Your impact on your partner is the best definition of who you are as a person

If you want to know who you are, think about what it's like to be married to you.

Your impact on your partner is the best definition of who you really are.

Your brain doesn't want to focus on your impact on your partner. It wants you to focus on how your partner impacts you.

If you want to grow, help your brain learn to focus on how you impact your partner.

Move your focus to your outbound energy.

You won't regret it.