How to Improve Communication in your Relationship
Here are three ways to improve communication in your relationship”
Say what you really think in the kindest way possible
Embrace disagreement and disapproval.
More silence than speaking.
1. Say what you really think in the kindest way possible
Most couples go back and forth between two modes of communication:
Not saying what you really think.
Saying what you really think with a lot of anger and judgment.
There is a third option, which is saying what you really think in the kindest way possible, but most of us have never learned to communicate that way.
You can learn by taking the time before you speak to think about whether or not there's a kind of way to say what you want to say.
By kinder, I don't mean hedging or beating around the bush. When people first start trying to do this, they often add a lot more words instead of taking words away.
Adding more words always makes things worse, not better.
Speaking kindly to your partner is more about how you think about them and how you feel about them than what you say.
You have to take the judgment out of your soul before you speak.
Once you have dealt with a part of you that wants to hurt your partner, once you feel kindness and openness towards your partner, then you can tell them what you really think.
Your partner will still feel defensive, and that's okay. Your job is to reveal your mind in the kindest way possible.
2. Embrace disagreement and disapproval
When your partner disagrees with you or disapproves of you, you will feel defensive, uncomfortable, and maybe even unheard.
Those feelings are not your partner's fault. They're an indication that you need to get better at relying on your own self-respect instead of trying to get your partner's approval.
When your partner disagrees with you, it's an opportunity for you to calm down and think about what you think is actually true. Is there any truth to what your f partner is saying?
In most relationships, each of you can see the other more clearly than you can see yourself. So if your partner is telling you something about yourself that you disagree with, there's a good chance that they are right and you are wrong.
Calm down and sit with your partner's disagreement or disapproval long enough to see if there's any truth to it.
When your partner disapproves of you, see if you can make room for that disapproval to exist without it taking you down.
Your reactivity to your partner's disagreement and disapproval is a sign that you have more work to do in earning your own self-respect. As you learn to validate yourself, you will put less effort into trying to get your partner to validate you.
3. More silence than speaking
When you and your partner disagree, the first thing that pops into your head is likely not a useful thing for you to say.
If you can wait a few seconds, think about your response, and then respond, you will be able to communicate more effectively.
When you feel defensive, your default responses are likely to be aggressive. When you respond in an aggressive way, it makes it harder for your partner to not respond in an aggressive way. That's how a discussion turns into a fight.
When you're fighting, you are both just trying to figure out the meanest things you can say to each other. You're trying to hurt each other with your words. There's no communication happening. It's just verbal sparring.
At that point, one of the two of you has to stop talking and let the other person have the last word.
As you get better at communication you will find that there will be more silence than speaking when you disagree with each other. This happens because both of you are taking the time to calm down and think about what you want to say before you say it.
