How to find out who you really are

If you want to know who I am, ask my wife what it's like to be married to me.

Ask her what it was like two years ago compared to what it's like today.

If you want to know who you are, ask the person you're closest to what it's like to be with you.

Ask the people you live with what it's like to live with you.

The person you are is defined by the impact you have on the people you are closest to.

That doesn't mean being a doormat or a pushover, because that actually has a negative impact on the people you're closest to. If you want to have a positive impact on the people you're closest to, you need to stand up for yourself in the kindest way possible.

Having a positive impact on the people you're closest to does not come naturally to most of us.

Your ability to measure and improve the impact you have on the people you care about the most is what allows you to live the kind of life you want to live.

When you were young, your brain focused on your parents impact on you. You depended on them for survival and it was important for you to track how invested they were in your well being.

As you entered into adult relationships, your brain maintained that default setting of paying more attention to your partner's impact in you than your impact on your partner.

If you want to have a better relationship, you need to reverse that default. You need to pay more attention to your impact on your partner and less attention to their impact on you.

This doesn't come naturally, but it is possible to make the switch.

Once you start paying more attention to how you impact your partner, you become capable of unilaterally improving your relationship.