Ten Tools for Relationship Communication
Slow Down
If I start talking before my brain is finished thinking, I'm going to say things that will make things worse and not better. If I'm in an argument with my wife, my instinct is to start talking before she's even finished what she has to say. But if I do that, my mouth starts moving before my brain has even started to think about what the best thing to say is. It takes a few seconds to come up with something that is going to be helpful. Take a deep breath. Take a 10-second break. Go get a glass of water or even walk around the block. Slowing things down usually makes things better.
Use Less Words
When I use less words, my point is more powerful. If I'm using a lot of words, I'm probably trying to control or manipulate my partner. If I can slow down enough to think about what I really want to say or what impact I really want to have, then I can also think about how to say it in 10 words instead of 20.
Don’t Defend Yourself
When I defend myself, I make it seem like my wife is the one who gets to decide whether I'm good enough or not. Why else would I put so much effort into convincing her that I'm right and she's wrong? If I can feel good about who I am, regardless of how she sees me, then I don't need to convince her that she's wrong about me. I can just allow her to see me the way she does, and maybe I can learn something from how she sees me.
Reveal your Perception
Talk to your partner about how you see yourself, how you see them, and how you see the world. Say something like, "I think your work is more important to you than our relationship” if that’s what you think is true. When you're revealing your mind, you're not trying to convince them that you're right. You're just sharing what your point of view is instead of hiding it from them.
Reveal your Preference
Tell your partner what you want. For example, "I want you to care about me more than you do." or “I want you to calm yourself down before you try to talk to me.” When you reveal your preferences, remember that you revealing what you want and your partner doing what you want are two different things. It's your preference, but it's their choice.
Turn your Complaint into a Request
Complaints are full of negative energy and they're focused on the past. A request is full of positive energy and it's focused on the future. When you make a request, you're acknowledging that your partner has a choice, that they don't have to do what you want. When you make a complaint, you're focusing on your own status as an innocent victim. It takes some work to turn your complaint into a request, but you're much more likely to get what you want by making a request than by making a complaint.
Confront Yourself First
Before you speak, ask yourself:
- Does this come from the best in me?
- Do I have my partner's best interest at heart?
- Am I trying to hurt my partner?
- Am I trying to make myself look good?
Don’t Focus on Feelings
Feelings change all the time, and your feelings are not your partner's responsibility. If you're tempted to tell your partner what you feel, try telling them what you want or what you see instead. Your partner's behavior is their responsibility, and your feelings are your responsibility. If you're feeling upset about something your partner did, talk to them about what they did, not about what you feel.
Take out the Screw You
If you're angry at your partner, you might be tempted to say something in a way that implies "screw you." So you might be telling them what you want, but there might also be a "screw you" embedded in your message. See if you can take out the "screw you" and still say what it is you want to say.
When your partner talks to you, see if you can take out the "screw you" and then figure out what the main point of their message is. So if your partner says something mean and angry towards you and you take out the "screw you," what is it that they want? Do they want you to care more than you do? Do they want you to treat them better than you do? Take out the "screw you" before you speak and take out the "screw you" after they speak.
Make Room for Disagreement
Most communication problems boil down to the fact that it's hard for me to handle what my partner has to say. So it's not really a communication problem, it's a tolerating discomfort problem. If my partner disagrees with me, can that be okay? Do I really need to make them see things my way, or can I handle the fact that they disagree with me about things that I think are important?
Sometimes two people have to agree to move forward, but often it's okay if my partner and I disagree about something. There are relatively few things where both people have to align before you can make a decision.
My desire for agreement and approval is usually a result of my own insecurity and lack of certainty that I'm good enough just the way I am.
