Common Relationship Dynamics

Relationships are full of self-reinforcing dynamics. Each partner shows up in a way that makes it easy for the other to show up in the complementary way. 

You get to choose how far you move into each dynamic. When you move toward the center, you make it easier for your partner to do  the same. When you move away from the center, you make it easier for your partner to do the same.

The solution to these dynamics is for one person to take a step away from their instinctive behavior, and toward the center. 

Most of these dynamics show up, to varying degrees, in most relationships. 

Anxious/Avoidant

The anxious partner uses conection and attention to calm their anxiety. The avoidant partner uses distance and separation to soothe their anxiety. Either partner can start to heal this dynamic by acting against their instinctive behavioral pattern. The avoidant partner is really just as anxious as the anxious partner, their preferred solution to anxiety is just disconnection instead of connection. 

Superior/Powerless

One partner pretends to be superior to the other, who pretends to be powerless. In reality, neither is superior, and neither is powerless. The superior partners uses the illusion of superiority to avoid feeling “not good enough,” and the other partner uses the illusion of powerlessness as an excuse for not taking action. 

Scolding Parent/Rebellious Child

A variation on superior/powerless where one partner brings critical, parental energy into the relationship while the other is irresponsible and childlike. The parental partner usually claims they “have to” treat their partner like a child, not realizing their role in enabling childish behavior by doing that. 

Deceiver/Deceived

One partner lies and deceives, while the other believes the lies and deception. This pattern usually leads to infidelity. The deceived partner may have been exposed to similar kinds of deception as a child, making them blind and susceptible to it as an adult. 

Manipulator/Manipulated

One partner uses a threat of intense emotionality or stonewalling to get the other to comply with their wishes. The manipulated partner may have been exposed to similar kinds of manipulation as a child, making them blind and susceptible to it as an adult.