What does Emotional Abuse look like?
Emotional abuse is intentional.
When we hurt each other's feelings, we're usually doing it on purpose.
If I crash my car three times a week, you’re not going to call it an accident.
And if I hurt my wife's feelings three times a week, that's also not an accident.
In adult relationships, each person is responsible for their own feelings and their own behavior.
So if I hurt my wife's feelings, I'm not responsible for how she feels. But I am responsible for what I did. That's why it's so important to understand the intention behind the behavior.
Here's how I help couples end emotional abuse:
Let go of false innocence. When you hurt your partner, you're probably doing it on purpose. You won't be able to change anything until you acknowledge the intentionality of your behavior. Pause before you speak to determine the emotional impact you are about to have.
Learn to see your partner clearly. Yes, they're hurting you on purpose. Try to figure out why. What did they get from it? How is it protective to them? Try to see your partner as a person, not just as an abuser.
Do your family history. The abusive patterns that show up in your marriage have probably been in your family for several generations. When you can see these patterns in your parents and grandparents, it makes them easier to deal with them in yourself. You don't get to choose the environment your brain is trained in, and your partner doesn't either.
Offer yourself warm acceptance. There's a part of you that is capable of deep, compassionate love and acceptance. There's another part of you that craves the warm acceptance of being good enough. When you feel your inner critic rise up, see if you can develop it in the arms of your love. Don't try to make it go away. Just offer it a warm embrace
Find a way to be okay. Ask yourself this question: will I find a way to be okay if my partner doesn't change? The answer to that question needs to be yes, because you are the one who's responsible for making sure that you're okay. Don't make your partner responsible for your okayness.
Focus on how you impact your partner. Since you're going to be okay, you can safely focus your attention on how you impact your partner instead of focusing on how they impact you. Instinctively, your brain will want to focus on your partner's impact on you. But that doesn't get you anywhere. Shift your focus to how you impact your partner because that's what you can change. You have more power than you know.
Hold yourself to the same standard you hold your partner to. It's easy to see your partner clearly, and hard to see yourself clearly. Pay attention to the emotional impact you have on your partner and the emotional impact you have on yourself. That's what you can change and that's where your power lies in your relationship.
Abusive relationships don't have to stay that way. A good couples therapist can help you enter the cycle once and for all.
