Do You Need a Therapist for Codependency?

You've probably heard the term "codependent" thrown around. Maybe someone called you that. Maybe you've started wondering if it applies to you.

The word gets used loosely—sometimes as an insult, sometimes as a catch-all for anyone who cares a lot about their partner. But actual codependency is a real pattern that causes real suffering. And yes, therapy can help. But let's start with what we're actually talking about.

What Codependency Actually Means

Codependency isn't just being attentive to your partner or wanting them to be happy. It's when your sense of okayness depends on managing someone else's emotions, behaviors, or problems.

Here's how it tends to show up:

You lose yourself in relationships. You're not sure what you want, what you like, or who you are outside of taking care of someone else. When your partner is upset, you're upset. When they're happy, you can finally relax. Your emotional state is a mirror of theirs.

You feel responsible for other people's feelings. If your partner is in a bad mood, you assume it's your job to fix it—or your fault it happened. You walk on eggshells. You edit yourself constantly to avoid triggering a reaction.

You can't tolerate their discomfort. When your partner is struggling, anxious, or unhappy, you feel compelled to do something about it. Sitting with their pain without trying to fix it feels impossible.

You say yes when you mean no. You abandon your own needs to keep the peace. You don't speak up when something bothers you. You've gotten so good at accommodating that you've lost track of what you actually want.

You stay in situations that aren't good for you. You make excuses for bad behavior. You tell yourself things will change. You feel unable to leave even when you know you should.

Where Codependency Comes From

Most codependent patterns start in childhood. If you grew up with a parent who was emotionally unstable, addicted, depressed, or unpredictable, you probably learned to monitor their moods carefully. Your safety depended on it.

You became skilled at reading people. You learned to anticipate problems before they happened. You discovered that taking care of others was a way to feel valuable—maybe the only way you felt valuable.

These were smart adaptations. They helped you survive. But what works in a chaotic childhood home doesn't work in an adult relationship. The hypervigilance that kept you safe as a kid now keeps you exhausted and resentful as an adult.

The Real Problem With Codependency

The word "codependency" makes it sound like the problem is caring too much. That's not quite right.

The real problem is that you haven't developed a solid sense of yourself. You don't feel okay on your own, so you try to create okayness by controlling your environment—especially the people in it.

This is exhausting for you and suffocating for your partner. Relationships need breathing room. They need two people who can stand on their own feet, tolerate discomfort, and stay connected without fusing together.

When you're codependent, you're not really connecting with your partner. You're using them to regulate your own anxiety. That's not intimacy—it's dependency.

Signs You Might Benefit From Therapy

Not everyone who relates to the word "codependent" needs a therapist. Some people read a book, recognize themselves, and start making changes on their own.

But therapy is worth considering if:

Your patterns are affecting your relationship. Your partner feels smothered, controlled, or like they can't be honest with you. You keep having the same fights. You've tried to change but keep falling back into old habits.

You've been in a series of unhealthy relationships. You keep choosing partners who are unavailable, addicted, or emotionally volatile. You're starting to see a pattern.

You don't know who you are outside of caretaking. You've spent so long focusing on others that you've lost connection with your own wants, needs, and identity.

You're dealing with anxiety or depression. Codependency often comes with chronic anxiety (from hypervigilance) or depression (from self-abandonment). These are worth addressing.

You want to but can't seem to set boundaries. You know what you should do, but you can't make yourself do it. Something deeper is holding you back.

What Therapy for Codependency Looks Like

I don't spend a lot of time analyzing your childhood, though we might talk about it. The focus is on who you are now and who you want to become.

The work centers on developing what I call a quiet mind and calm heart—the ability to manage your own anxiety without needing your partner to soothe you or needing to manage their emotions.

This means learning to:

Tolerate discomfort. Your partner can be upset without you falling apart or rushing to fix it. You can sit with tension instead of immediately trying to resolve it.

Hold onto yourself. You can stay connected to what you think, feel, and want—even when your partner disagrees or disapproves. You stop abandoning yourself to keep the peace.

Self-soothe. When anxiety spikes, you have ways to calm yourself down that don't involve controlling someone else.

Set boundaries. You can say no. You can disappoint people. You can let them have their reaction without making it your problem to solve.

This is what therapists call differentiation—becoming solid enough in yourself that you can be truly close to another person without losing yourself in them.

Individual or Couples Therapy?

Both can work. It depends on your situation.

Individual therapy makes sense if you're not currently in a relationship, if your partner isn't willing to participate, or if you want dedicated space to focus on your own patterns.

Couples therapy makes sense if your codependent patterns are playing out in your current relationship and your partner is willing to work on things together. Often both people have complementary patterns—one overfunctions, one underfunctions—and the system needs to shift, not just one person.

Sometimes people start in couples therapy and realize they need some individual sessions too. That's fine. We figure out what works.

You Can Change This

Codependency can feel like your personality. It's not. It's a set of learned patterns, and learned patterns can be unlearned.

The people I work with often say something like, "I've always been this way." And that might be true. But "always" doesn't mean "forever."

You can learn to feel okay without managing everyone around you. You can have close relationships without losing yourself. You can care about people without making their emotions your responsibility.

It takes work. But it's possible.

If you're ready to start, schedule a free first session. We'll talk about what's going on and whether therapy makes sense for your situation.

James M. Christensen, LMFT — Couples therapy in Roseville, CA, and throughout California via telehealth.