Building Bridges in Your Brain

When I was 15, my dad took my mom, my sister, and me out to his favorite fancy restaurant.

My dad has a ton of social anxiety, and my role in the family was to be the class clown so that we could all relax a little bit. So we're sitting there in this fancy restaurant, and I decided to take my napkin off of my lap and tuck it into my shirt collar.

When my dad saw it, he started to get all upset. He was making all these gestures, trying to get me to take my napkin out without saying anything. I didn't understand what he was doing, and I froze. He panicked. It was all super awkward and uncomfortable.

Every time I feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and anxious—like right now—it reminds me of how I felt sitting in that fancy restaurant.

So I want you to picture two different parts of my brain. The first part is the part that was developing around the time I was sitting in that fancy restaurant. The second part is the part that has developed since then—a part that's more capable of staying grounded, being calm and compassionate, and dealing more effectively with difficult people.

When I feel anxious and panicky like I do right now, it's because that less mature, less developed part of my brain is taking over. It's lost touch with the more grown-up and grounded part of my brain—the part that understands that no matter how badly I embarrass myself in front of all of you, everything's going to be okay. The part that understands I don't have to deal with an angry father anymore.

I can't make the less mature part of my brain go away. It's going to be there forever. But what I can do is help it connect more fully with the more grown-up and grounded part of my brain.

One way to make these connections is to imagine going back into that restaurant as an adult. I picture that scene—the restaurant, the table. I'm sitting here. My sister's right there. My mom is over there, and my dad's over there, panicking. I freeze the scene so nobody's moving. Then I walk in the door. Not my 15-year-old self, but my 49-year-old self walks in, and I bring with me all of my life experience, all the therapy I've done, and everything I understand about why that situation was so hard on me.

I take my dad aside and say, "I want you to pay attention to the impact you're having on your son right now. You're focusing on the impact he has on you because you're so anxious, but you should be focusing on the impact you're having on him."

Then I take my younger self aside and say, "None of this is your fault. You're just trying to manage your dad's anxiety, like everyone else in your family. It's not your fault that he doesn't know how to calm himself down."

I encourage him, once time gets started again, to pay attention to how dad's anxiety affects him and everyone else in the family.

Then I promise him that I will always be available to protect him, stand up for him, and comfort him when he faces difficult challenges.

The reason that promise is true is that what I'm really talking about is two parts of my brain. One part that was developing when I was 15 years old. Another part that has developed since then—a part much more capable of staying calm, staying grounded, and standing up to someone like my dad.

Since that part of my brain really does exist, the promise I made is actually true.

What needs to happen is for the younger, less evolved part of my brain to maintain contact with the stronger, more evolved part. And I can make that happen by imagining these time-traveling scenarios.

Try It Yourself

So who's ready to build some brain connections?

If you want to, lean back in your chair, close your eyes, and take a deep breath.

Choose some difficult event from your childhood. Doesn't really matter which one.

See if you can picture that event in your mind. Imagine moving the camera around the space where it happened. Look at it from three or four different angles.

See if you can feel what your younger self felt in that moment.

Now imagine that the scene freezes and your adult self walks in.

Take some time to let your younger self try to understand what is happening. See if you can earn their trust and acceptance.

Now, what can you do to offer safety and comfort to your younger self?

Is there somewhere you can go where you won't feel so threatened?

Can you offer some kind words or a hug?

Take a moment to let the scene play out.

Now, before you leave, tell your younger self that you are always available to help.

This is in fact true because the part of your brain that can offer comfort and compassion and protection is actually there all the time. What you're doing right now is building the bridge between that part of your brain and the younger, less capable part.

Take one more deep breath. Wiggle your fingers and your toes. Open your eyes. Come back into the room.

This is one way to help your brain forge new connections between the less evolved and more evolved parts of you. As a general rule, a more connected brain is a healthier brain. You will be more able to maintain a good frame of mind consistently throughout pleasant moments and difficult moments in your life.

This process usually takes a long time, and the more you lean into the energy of kindness and acceptance towards the less evolved parts of your brain, the less influence those parts will have over the way you manage yourself in general.

Like a small child who is distressed, the one thing that can make these less evolved parts of your brain feel better is a sense that there is a calm, kind, and accepting adult who is here to protect them.

When you offer that energy to the parts of your brain that evolved when you were small and helpless, you help them let go of their need to try to protect you by steering your actions in your daily life.