A Couples Therapist Rates the Internet's Top Relationship Tips
These are ten common relationship tips you'll find online, rated from zero to ten.
1. Know Your Partner's Love Language — 2/10
Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch) remains the dominant framework. The idea is that partners often express love differently than they receive it, causing disconnection.
My take: When my wife and I read the Love Languages book twenty-something years ago, we found out that she likes gifts and acts of service, and I like physical touch and words of affirmation. Interesting—but it didn't help us change anything.
Here's the problem: it's hard to change the things that keep us from treating our partner well. If I were going to focus on the things my wife loves, I would have had to care about her a lot more than I did at that time. The book didn't help us address the underlying problems. Knowing what your partner wants is easy. Actually wanting to give it to them is the hard part.
2. Active Listening Over Problem-Solving — 6/10
Active listening is described as one of the simplest yet most powerful communication tools couples can practice. Truly hearing your partner rather than immediately fixing or responding is emphasized everywhere.
My take: This one gets a decent score because problem-solving doesn't actually solve problems—for a couple of reasons.
First, the whole reason I jump in to solve my wife's problems is because I can't handle my own anxiety. She's anxious about something in her life, she's telling me about it, and my anxiety spikes. That's why I'm jumping in—not because I'm being helpful, but because I can't sit with my own discomfort.
Second, there's an implication that I'm somehow better at dealing with her problems than she is. That's problematic in its own way.
It really is better to just listen unless she specifically asks for help figuring something out. The key is being able to handle my own anxiety and not jumping in without being invited.
3. Understand Your Attachment Style — 2/10
Attachment theory with its four main styles—secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-anxious, and disorganized—is widely discussed as shaping how we approach closeness, intimacy, dating, and romance.
My take: I lean towards anxious attachment. My wife leans towards avoidant. Understanding this didn't do much to help us fix it.
The way I see it: my anxiety pulls me towards her, and her anxiety pulls her away from me. For us to deal with that dynamic, we had to understand why it's hard for me to feel okay when she's not paying attention to me, and why it's hard for her to feel okay when I am paying attention to her.
The other problem with attachment styles is that just because my anxiety pulls me towards her doesn't mean it's not still my responsibility to deal with it. "That's what my attachment style does" isn't an excuse to lean on her for soothing instead of learning how to calm myself down.
4. Avoid the Four Horsemen — 3/10
Gottman's research identifies four negative behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that can predict relationship failure.
My take: Yes, obviously you should avoid the four horsemen. But this only gets a three because it's so obvious. If I'm treating my wife with contempt, of course I'm going to have a bad relationship.
The Gottman approach of identifying problems and then talking about them isn't very helpful in getting people to actually stop. I would have to look at why I started treating my wife with contempt in the first place. That's a much harder question than "I shouldn't treat my wife with contempt"—as if I didn't already know that.
5. Accept Bids for Connection — 4/10
The Gottman Institute found that couples still married at the six-year point accepted bids from their partners 86% of the time. The small moment your partner asks you to watch something or look at something matters.
My take: Connection is good, but accepting bids for connection only works if it's genuine.
If I'm pretending to accept a bid for connection when I'm not dealing with the reason I didn't want to connect in the first place, that causes problems. Say my wife periodically does something I really don't like, and then she makes a bid for connection. I don't feel good about it, but I'm not willing to talk to her about the thing she does that bothers me. Now I'm offering her an inauthentic connection. That doesn't solve anything.
6. Maintain a 5:1 Positive Ratio — 3/10
Gottman's research found that for relationships to thrive, we need a ratio of 5:1 positives and appreciations.
My take: This is the kind of advice that leads people to do inauthentic things. If I feel like I'm supposed to say positive things to my wife, I might come home and say something positive. But I don't really mean it, and she knows I don't mean it. Now I'm being deceptive, and she's not going to trust me.
It's problematic to say positive things when I'm not thinking or feeling positive things. It's better to deal with what's going on inside myself that leads me to feel this way about my wife. Can I address things she's doing that need to be addressed? More importantly, can I deal with who I am and what I'm doing that needs to be addressed?
7. Put Down Your Phone — 10/10
One of the biggest complaints therapists hear from clients is that their partners are constantly on their phones. Committing to unplugging for a set period of time each day is widely recommended.
My take: Amazing life advice in general. Put down your phone. Live a little. 10 out of 10. No explanation needed.
8. Stop Trying to Be the Perfect Partner — 8/10
Esther Perel argues that the idea of being fault-free and put together every day is utterly unrealistic and can prevent you from developing real confidence in yourself.
My take: This one gets a boost because I love Esther, and because it's genuinely good advice. If you're holding yourself to a standard of perfection—you can never make a mistake, never say a mean thing, never let your partner down—that's not realistic.
Hold yourself to a high standard, and be kind and gentle to yourself when you fall short.
9. Balance Togetherness and Separateness — 10/10
Esther Perel suggests that love requires both closeness and distance: "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness."
My take: We focus so much on togetherness in modern relationships, but there has to be a balance between separateness and togetherness.
Here's another way to think about it: if I want to feel kind feelings towards my wife, I have to be on solid footing myself. I have to feel like I'm going to be okay, that I can take care of myself. Then I can reach out with love and kindness.
It's like climbing a slippery slope when someone asks for a hand. I'm happy to help as long as my footing is firm. But if I don't feel solid in myself, I'm naturally going to be hesitant to reach out.
Esther Perel is right: a solid sense of separateness is critical to creating long-lasting love.
10. Build Love Maps — 5/10
The Gottman Institute's framework encourages partners to really get to know each other's inner worlds—asking about thoughts, worries, joys, and deeper questions.
My take: The Gottmans frame this as asking your partner a lot of questions about what's going on inside them. I'd put it differently: instead of asking my wife, I'm going to be more open with her about what's going on inside of me.
I try to present my wife an accurate picture of what it's like to be me—my thoughts, feelings, goals, and dreams. Instead of presenting an optimized persona of who I think she wants me to be, I'm more honest about revealing my mind to her. That helps her build what they call a "love map"—an accurate perception of who I am. But I'd call it unmasking my mind.
Asking questions doesn't solve much if she isn't willing to unmask her mind to me. The best approach is for me to reveal myself to her. That creates intimacy unilaterally. The more I reveal myself to my partner, the more intimacy we have—and it makes it easier for her to reveal herself to me, as long as I can handle what she reveals.
The Bottom Line
You can tell I favor Esther Perel's advice over the Gottmans'. That's my professional opinion, and it's how I do therapy.
The common thread in my critiques: knowing what to do is easy. Actually doing it requires dealing with what's going on inside yourself. Most relationship advice tells you what to do without helping you understand why you're not already doing it.
