The Writings of Dr. David Schnarch

by James Christensen LMFT

This page gives a brief overview of Dr. Schnarch’s four most popular books. He also wrote Resurrecting Sex and Constructing the Sexual Crucible, which are not covered here.

Passionate Marriage

Passionate Marriage is a groundbreaking guide to transforming a stale or struggling relationship into a vibrant, intimate partnership. Written in an engaging, honest style, the book shows that marriage itself is a crucible for personal growth – the challenges you face with your partner can actually bring you closer if you handle them the right way. Schnarch busts the myth that long-term relationships must succumb to boredom or disconnection. Instead, he offers practical techniques and candid case examples to help couples rekindle erotic passion and deepen their emotional bond.

  • Discover True Intimacy: The book reveals how love relationships really work, encouraging you and your partner to be authentic and emotionally present with each other. By developing a stronger sense of self (what Schnarch calls “differentiation”) while staying close to your partner, you can achieve a new level of connection.

  • Reignite Your Sex Life: If your sex life has become predictable, infrequent, or lackluster, Passionate Marriageprovides hope and tools to turn things around. From the famed “hugging till relaxed” exercise to keeping your eyes open during intimacy, the book offers step-by-step methods to build trust and excitement in the bedroom. Couples learn to communicate their desires and overcome inhibitions, leading to more playful, fulfilling sex.

  • Handle Conflict and Grow Together: Rather than avoid conflict, Schnarch shows that working through frustrations and differences can make your relationship stronger. He addresses common issues – constant arguments, power struggles, lack of intimacy – and illustrates how facing these challenges together helps both partners mature. Readers have credited this book with saving their marriages by giving them new ways to see problems and concrete strategies to fix them.

  • Inspiring and Hopeful: Filled with humor, personal stories (even from the author’s own marriage), and compassionate insight, Passionate Marriage is as readable as it is profound. It normalizes the fact that “normal people have difficulty with sex and intimacy” and reassures you that you’re not alone. Most importantly, it shows there is a path forward. Couples who apply its lessons often report feeling closer, more passionate, and more “alive” in their relationships than ever before.

Intimacy & Desire

Intimacy & Desire zeroes in on one of the most common relationship struggles: mismatched sexual desire. In every couple there are times when one partner wants sex more often than the other, leading to frustration or distance. Rather than seeing this as a deal-breaker, Schnarch frames it as a normal occurrence – even an opportunity. This book offers a revolutionary approach to understanding and overcoming sexual desire problems, written in a warm and approachable tone. It promises not just to improve your sex life, but to change how you understand yourself and your partner on a fundamental level.

  • Why Desire Fades (and How to Revive It): Intimacy & Desire explains that it’s normal for couples to face sexual desire issues over time – in fact, two-thirds of people do. Instead of blaming yourself or your partner, you’ll learn why these lulls happen even in healthy relationships. Schnarch debunks the idea that hormones or aging alone kill passion. The good news? Desire can be reignited. This book shows how to create the kind of intimacy, love, and electric passion that makes you excited to stay together.

  • The “Low Desire” / “High Desire” Dynamic: Ever feel like one of you is always pursuing while the other backs off? Schnarch introduces the concept that the partner with less interest in sex actually controls the sexual relationship – a powerful insight that explains a lot of frustration. Understanding this dynamic is the first step to change. The book guides you to break the stalemate by addressing underlying emotions and power balances, so both partners feel safer and more open to intimacy.

  • Tools to Rekindle Passion: Intimacy & Desire is packed with practical exercises and solutions. You’ll explore the Four Points of Balance core life skills that help you stand on your own two feet emotionally. By strengthening these points, you become more confident and less anxious, which naturally boosts desire. The later chapters even offer specific sensual techniques and bedroom activities (some that don’t even involve taking your clothes off!) to gradually rebuild sexual connection and excitement.

  • Personal Growth Through Desire: What makes this book truly engaging is how it links sexual desire to personal growth. As you and your partner work through issues of wanting (or not wanting), you’ll find yourselves growing individually. Intimacy & Desire shows that tackling your differences in the bedroom can lead to deeper emotional intimacy, better communication, and a stronger bond everywhere else. By the end, you’ll view desire not as a source of tension, but as a journey you’re on together – one that can bring you closer.

Brain Talk

Brain Talk dives into the fascinating connection between brain science and our everyday relationships. Don’t worry – this isn’t a dry textbook. David Schnarch takes cutting-edge concepts about how we “mind map” (basically, how we intuitively guess what others are thinking and feeling) and makes them easy to understand and incredibly relevant to your life. If you’ve ever wondered why you and your partner keep misunderstanding each other, or how to break free from negative patterns, Brain Talk has answers. It shows that by improving how you understand minds – both your own and your loved one’s – you can dramatically improve your relationship.

  • We all engage in mind mapping – imagining what’s in someone else’s head – whether we realize it or not. This is the “driving wheel of relationships,” as Schnarch calls it. Brain Talk helps you become aware of this process so you can stop the guesswork and communicate better. You’ll see why sometimes you misjudge your partner’s intentions or they misread yours. With vivid examples, the book shows how tuning into this hidden dance can clear up confusion and build empathy.

  • The book also uncovers how past traumas or bad experiences (what Schnarch terms “traumatic mind mapping”) can distort the way you relate to others. If you or your partner have ever been hurt before, you might be unknowingly projecting fears or assumptions that create conflict. Brain Talk offers new, brain-based techniques to recognize these triggers and heal from them. The result? Fewer fights based on misunderstandings, and more patience for each other’s feelings.

  • When you get better at seeing what’s really going on in each other’s minds, trust and intimacy flourish. Schnarch provides tools to strengthen your empathy “muscle” – for example, learning to notice subtle cues in your partner’s voice or expression. These skills can transform your marriage or partnership. Even couples who were deeply troubled learned to see themselves and each other in a completely new light, revitalizing their marriages and families as a result. Readers often report “aha!” moments where a long-standing problem suddenly makes sense from this new perspective.

  • Despite being rooted in neuroscience, Brain Talk is down-to-earth and practical. You don’t need any science background – the insights “speak your brain’s language,” making them easy to absorb and apply. In fact, many people find that just learning these concepts opens up a whole new reality in how they view their past and present relationships. The changes can happen surprisingly fast, too. By applying the mind-mapping ideas, you’ll likely find yourself calmer, more understanding, and better equipped to handle conflicts. You may even notice your partner responding differently – in a good way – as you break the old reactive patterns.

Living at the Bottom of the Ocean

Living at the Bottom of the Ocean (Free PDF Download here) tackles a problem almost everyone has experienced: those overwhelming emotional meltdowns when we “lose it” or shut down completely. In everyday terms, it’s about how to stop drowning in our feelings. If you or your partner has ever had a blazing argument, a bout of rage or panic, or even long periods of feeling numb and stuck, this book offers hope. Written as a practical guide with a touch of humor (yes, you’ll even chuckle at some of your own human quirks), it shows how to climb out of the darkest emotional depths and come back to life – stronger, calmer, and more connected than before.

  • First, Schnarch reassures readers that these emotional “wipeouts,” which he calls regressions, are more common than you think. Feeling like you’re sinking in anxiety or exploding in anger doesn’t mean you’re crazy or broken – it means you’re human. In fact, almost everyone has moments when their brain gets overwhelmed and they can’t think straight. Knowing this alone is a relief. The book helps you drop the shame and understand what’s happening in your brain during these episodes.

  • Living at the Bottom of the Ocean is packed with practical strategies to handle intense emotions. It teaches you how to recognize the early warning signs that you’re about to “lose it,” and what to do in the moment to stop a full meltdown. Even if you find yourself already at rock bottom emotionally, Schnarch lays out a step-by-step process to get out of a regression even while you’re in it. These aren’t theoretical ideas – they are time-tested techniques drawn from decades of therapy work, presented in an easy-to-follow way.

  • Beyond just managing an emotional crisis, the book shows you how to reduce the likelihood of blow-ups and shutdowns going forward. You’ll learn how to strengthen your resilience (think of it as your emotional “muscles”) through exercises and mindset shifts. For those who live in a long-term fog of low mood or disconnection, Schnarch also addresses these steady-state regressions, offering guidance to gradually reclaim your clarity and vitality. In short, it’s not just about putting out fires – it’s about fireproofing your life emotionally.

  • Perhaps most importantly, gaining control over emotional meltdowns can dramatically improve your relationship. Schnarch shares eye-opening stories of couples on the brink of collapse due to uncontrolled anger, fear, or despair. By using the methods in this book, even individuals from very troubled backgrounds managed to revitalize their marriages and become more emotionally stable partners. The message is inspiring: no matter how deep a hole you’re in, you can always rise toward the light. And when you do, you not only feel “alive” again personally, but you also bring new positivity and stability into your family life.

Living at the Bottom of the Ocean is offered as a free PDF download, get it here.