A Therapist's Guide to Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch.

By James Christensen LMFT

Introduction

In Intimacy & Desire, Dr. David Schnarch introduces a revolutionary approach to understanding and resolving sexual desire problems in committed relationships. Instead of blaming hormones, aging, or “lack of love,” Schnarch argues that desire struggles are a normal part of healthy relationships and a catalyst for personal growth. He contrasts his view with conventional theories (biological drives, Freudian libido, romance, or “just do it” advice) and makes it clear this book won’t offer quick fixes or simplistic hormone-based explanations. Rather, it promises deeper change in how readers think and feel about themselves and their relationships.

Desire Problems as Normal: Research cited in the introduction underscores how widespread low sexual desire is, showing that it’s “normal rather than abnormal” for couples to face these issues. For example, one survey of 27,500 people found that 68% experienced sexual desire problems, confirming such struggles are common. Schnarch reframes low desire not as a pathology or failing, but as something almost every couple will encounter as love, intimacy, and sex have become central to modern marriage. This new perspective removes the stigma: “normal healthy couples have sexual desire problems”, so having these issues doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.

Schnarch asserts that by working together through desire problems, couples can ignite passion beyond their wildest dreams. Sexual desire issues are presented as “people-growing processes” – opportunities to develop oneself and deepen the relationship, rather than signs that love has died. He encourages readers to view the “ebb and flow of sexual desire” as natural and even beneficial, pushing partners to become more mature and resilient. In his words, “emotionally committed relationships are people-growing machines”, and tackling desire dilemmas can ultimately bring couples greater intimacy, eroticism, and joy than they had at the start.

Book Overview: The introduction also outlines the book’s structure. There are four parts: (1) Why Normal People Have Sexual Desire Problems – redefining desire issues and explaining why nothing is “wrong” when they occur. (2) How We Co-Evolve Through Sexual Desire Problems – showing how couples push each other to grow, introducing the Four Points of Balance (core personal development skills) and how conflicts over intimacy, monogamy, and boredom spur growth. (3) Sexual Desire Problems: How Your Personal Life Fits In – examining how individual life experiences and emotional patterns (like past traumas, “normal marital sadism,” or safety fears) complicate desire and can be transformed into fuel for growth. (4) Using Your Body, Rewiring Your Brain, and Co-Evolving in Bed – offering practical, explicit strategies to resolve desire issues physically and emotionally, from communication exercises to advanced sexual techniques (including chapters on tender sex and oral sex). Schnarch notes the book is backed by extensive end noteswith neuroscience and research, but the main text is written accessibly (no science degree required). Overall, the introduction invites readers to “read on” for a completely new understanding of desire, love, intimacy, and sex in committed relationships.

Chapter 1: There Is Always a Low Desire Partner and the Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex

Inevitable Desire Differences: Chapter 1 opens by normalizing the reader’s experience: if you’re having sexual desire problems, “you’ve got lots of company”. Schnarch introduces a paradigm-shifting idea: in every couple, one partner has a higher sex drive and one has a lower sex drive. These roles – the High Desire Partner (HDP) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) – “are positions partners take in every relationship”, not permanent labels of who is “healthy”. Importantly, this dynamic is universal – it occurs “whether [the issue is] about sex, intimacy, doing household chores, or visiting relatives”. Recognizing this helps couples stop personalizing the problem (it’s not about one partner being flawed). Schnarch emphasizes that this mismatch in desire is natural and inevitable over the course of a long-term relationship.

The LDP Controls Sex: The chapter’s most provocative claim is that the low desire partner always controls when and if sex happens. This goes against the common belief that the partner who wants sex more is “in charge.” In reality, the person who wants it less acts as the gatekeeper. Schnarch illustrates this through a case study of Brett and Connie, a couple locked in a bitter cycle: Brett (HDP) feels “not allowed” to touch his wife and thinks she withholds sex to control him, while Connie (LDP) feels pressured and resents Brett’s constant advances. Their fights reflect a typical power struggle. Schnarch intervenes by explaining the “Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex” rule, which initially shocks them: “Of course Connie controls when and how sex happens. She is the low desire partner!”. This insight levels the playing field. It stops the blame game – Connie isn’t “withholding to be cruel,” she’s simply in the LDP role that every couple has. Brett learns that no amount of pleading or pressure can change the basic rule: the partner who needs or wants something less holds the decisive vote in that area of the relationship.

Debunking Myths (“Sex is Natural” and “Just Do It”): Schnarch tackles harmful cultural myths that make desire problems worse. First, he dispels the idea that sex is a “natural function” that should work on autopilot in loving couples. Believing desire should be automatic sets people up for shame and frustration when their libido wanes. In reality, sexual desire isn’t constant; it requires active nurturing and can be influenced by emotional dynamics. Second, he critiques the common “Just do it!” advice – the notion that low-desire partners should force themselves to have sex to kickstart their libido. Through Brett and Connie’s story, we see that this approach failed miserably: being pushed into unwanted sex made Connie feel controlled and resentful, further killing her desire. Schnarch notes that early sex therapy often pressured LDPs to comply (even suggesting they fantasize about someone else to get through it), which is ultimately counterproductive. Forcing sex addresses symptoms, not the underlying relationship issues, and can even create new problems (like feeling used or inadequate).

Reframing the Problem: By the end of Chapter 1, readers are urged to see that nothing “wrong” or abnormal is happening – desire discrepancies are part of the “normal, healthy processes of marriage”. Schnarch suggests that instead of asking “Who’s at fault?” or “Does marriage kill sex?”, couples should ask how they can use this situation. He introduces the hopeful idea that desire problems, though painful, can fuel personal growth and a deeper partnership. When Brett and Connie hear that **“sexual desire problems aren’t a problem in your marriage; they are part of the normal processes of marriage”*, it’s a relief. They begin to shift from feeling victimized to feeling challenged to grow. The chapter concludes with “Ideas to Ponder,” reinforcing key takeaways: (1) Normal people have sexual desire problems.(2) Every relationship has an HDP and an LDP. (3) The LDP always controls sex. Instead of viewing these facts as doom-and-gloom, Schnarch positions them as the starting point for a new, productive approach to intimacy.

Key Takeaways:

• Desire differences are universal: One partner’s libido is always comparatively higher than the other’s – this is true in every couple.

• The low desire partner is the “gatekeeper”: The partner who wants sex less ultimately decides if and when sex occurs, even in happy marriages.

• Common advice can backfire: Treating sex as purely “natural” or pressuring someone to “just do it” ignores the real issues and often deepens the emotional gridlock.

• Reframe the issue: Rather than a sign of dysfunction, desire conflicts are normal growth points in a long-term relationship – a chance to build understanding and spark a new kind of passion.

Chapter 2: Since Your “Self” Showed Up, Sexual Desire Hasn’t Been the Same

Evolution of Desire and Selfhood: Chapter 2 delves into why human sexual desire is more complicated than simple biology. Schnarch argues that sexual desire changed fundamentally once humans evolved a complex sense of self. Unlike animals driven purely by instinct, we bring self-awareness, meaning, and identity into our love lives, which makes desire richer but also more challenging. The chapter outlines “Three Drives” of love and sex inherited from evolution (such as procreation, pair-bonding, and raw physical urge) and then introduces a “Fourth Drive” – the drive to develop and maintain a unique Self. This means part of what motivates (or stifles) our desire is tied to personal growth and self-expression, not just genetics or hormones. In other words, “profound human desire” isn’t just about mating – it’s about the mind and identity. Our brain’s capacity to attach meaning to sex is what makes human desire special.

Desire and Differentiation: A core theme is that struggles of sexual desire go hand-in-hand with struggles of selfhood. As individuals, we grapple with asserting our identity (differentiation) while being close to someone – and this interplay directly impacts desire. Schnarch uses the example of Doreen and Adam to illustrate how loss of passion often coincides with personal stagnation. Adam says he’s “not in love” anymore and feels no sexual spark; Doreen fears the romance is gone forever. Schnarch reframes their situation: their desire hasn’t died – it’s waiting for them to grow. He explains that their initial fiery romance (fueled by novelty and infatuation) was bound to fade, but that doesn’t mean they’re doomed. Instead, “you can’t go back” to the early chemistry; you must go forward and find a new source of desire rooted in a stronger self. This introduces the idea of conscious, chosen desire – wanting your partner as an act of autonomy and mature love, not just as a rush of emotion.

Mind, Body, and Relationship as One System: Schnarch emphasizes a “co-evolution” perspective: our mind, brain, body, and relationship develop together as a single integrated system. Sexual desire problems can’t be isolated to just physical or psychological factors – they emerge from the whole system of two people in love. For instance, an emotional hurt can dampen physical desire, and conversely working on physical intimacy can spark emotional reconnection. This chapter also touches on modern science: it aligns Schnarch’s ideas with neuroscience and positive psychology, suggesting that resolving desire issues can literally “rewire” your brain towards resilience and thriving. The brain’s neuroplasticity means our experiences of desire (or lack thereof) can strengthen certain neural pathways. When we challenge ourselves to love more deeply and authentically, we engage the brain in forming new patterns.

“Self” as Key to Desire: The title – “Since your ‘Self’ showed up, desire hasn’t been the same” – reflects that once humans developed a self-concept, sex became more than a biological act; it became personal. We now contend with egos, insecurities, and yearnings for meaning, all of which influence libido. Schnarch asserts that problems with sexual desire often mirror problems with one’s self. For example, if someone lacks a solid sense of self or relies too much on a partner for self-worth, desire can plummet (because sex becomes entangled with validation or fear). The chapter foreshadows that building a “Solid Flexible Self” (a concept to be detailed soon) is crucial for reviving desire. It asks a guiding question: Why did humans evolve so that the low desire partner has control? The answer lies in our evolution toward selfhood – giving the LDP control forces couples to confront themselves and grow. By the end, Schnarch suggests that mastering sexual desire is really about developing oneself: “Since your ancestors hatched the human self, we have all had the potential for exquisite sexual desire and mature adult love... It means developing the highly tuned sense of self necessary to explore your sexual potential.”.

Key Takeaways:

• Human desire is more than biology: Our capacity for self-awareness and meaning-making fundamentally changes sexual desire. Desire is not just an urge; it’s intertwined with our identity and emotions.

• Sexual desire and self-development are linked: When your sense of self is weak or evolving, it directly affects your libido. Desire problems = growth problems, and vice versa.

• Co-evolution in relationships: Your brain, body, heart, and relationship form one system. Improving desire involves working on all levels at once – emotional honesty, mental outlook, physical connection.

• New source of passion: As initial “honeymoon” chemistry fades, couples must cultivate a chosen desire based on a more mature love and a stronger self. Aging or long commitment can lead to deeper passion if both partners evolve personally, rather than relying on youthful infatuation.

Chapter 3: The Low Desire Partner Usually Controls the High Desire Partner’s Adequacy

Power Beyond the Bedroom: Chapter 3 extends the idea of the LDP’s influence, showing it’s not just about controlling sex, but often about controlling the HDP’s sense of self-worth (“adequacy”). In many couples, the high desire partner feels deeply hurt or insecure because their partner doesn’t want them sexually. Schnarch explains that this dynamic can make the low desire partner the inadvertent judge of the other’s desirability and adequacy as a lover or even as a person. The title suggests that the LDP “usually controls” how the HDP feels about themselves. For example, if one spouse constantly declines sex, the other may internalize that as “I’m not attractive/masculine/feminine enough”. This creates a loop: the HDP pressures or pleads (seeking validation), and the LDP withdraws further, feeling overwhelmed or manipulated.

Borrowed Functioning vs. Solid Self: A key concept introduced is “borrowed functioning.” This is when one partner relies on the other to regulate their emotional well-being or self-esteem. Schnarch argues that many desire problems arise because partners are too emotionally fused – they depend on each other’s reactions to feel OK. For instance, an HDP might need the LDP’s sexual interest to feel confident; an LDP might need the HDP’s constant reassurance to feel loved. This borrowing of functioning traps couples in power struggles. The antidote presented is developing a Solid Flexible Self – “a solid sense of self [that] develops from confronting yourself, doing what’s right, and earning your own self-respect”. In other words, each person must cultivate inner stability and self-worth that isn’t dependent on the partner’s moods or desire. The chapter emphasizes personal responsibility: people who can’t control themselves (their emotions, reactivity) often try to control those around them. This rings true in desire conflicts: an anxious HDP might try to control the LDP’s behavior (begging for sex, complaining), while an anxious LDP might control by avoidance or setting the terms. Both are attempts to manage internal anxiety externally.

Mind-Mapping and Mutual Control: Schnarch also discusses “mind-mapping” – partners constantly reading each other’s minds and anticipating reactions. In low-desire scenarios, mind-mapping can turn into mind-games: each partner makes assumptions about the other’s motives (e.g., “She’s withholding to punish me” or “He only wants sex, not closeness”). Chapter 3 shows how couples inadvertently train each other: the LDP learns that rejecting advances gives them a sense of space or power; the HDP learns that sulking or complaining might guilt the other into occasional sex. This is why Schnarch states, somewhat startlingly, “People who can’t control themselves control the people around them. When you rely on someone for a positive reflected sense of self, you invariably try to control him.”. In essence, if you depend on your partner to make you feel worthy, you’ll try to manipulate situations (consciously or not) to get that feeling. This dynamic underlies many “normal marital sadism” patterns explored later.

Does Marriage Kill Sex? The chapter addresses the age-old fear that long-term commitment ruins passion. Schnarch’s answer is yes... and no. Yes, marriage (or any long, emotionally entwined relationship) inevitably brings desire problems (“marriage does kill desire”) – but no, this isn’t a permanent death. Instead, he reframes it: “Sexual desire problems are part of the middle phase of marriage. They are how love relationships grow.”. In other words, the initial passionate phase must give way to a more challenging phase where desire dips, precisely because the couple is moving into a deeper, more interdependent stage. This phase forces them to evolve (for example, by building that solid self and learning to love without illusions). So rather than viewing marriage as a passion-killer, Schnarch sees it as having a “grand design”: to push us into higher capacity for intimacy and desire once we work through the conflict. He assures readers that “realizing you’re going through one of marriage’s normal processes gives you hope” and the tools to not take it personally. By acknowledging the universality of these struggles, couples can feel less despair and more motivation to confront them constructively.

Key Takeaways:

• Validation trap: The high desire partner often ties their self-esteem to the low desire partner’s acceptance, giving the LDP unintended power over the HDP’s feelings of adequacy. Breaking this requires each person to find self-worth from within.

• Solid self vs. fused self: Cultivating a Solid Flexible Self – being clear about who you are and regulating your own emotions – is crucial. Without it, partners engage in “borrowed functioning”, leaning on each other in unhealthy ways and resorting to control tactics.

• Mind-mapping and control: Couples constantly read and affect each other’s minds. If you can’t calm your own anxieties, you’ll try to control your partner (through nagging, withholding, appeasing, etc.) to ease your discomfort. Recognizing this pattern is the first step to changing it.

• Mid-marriage doldrums are normal: It’s expected that passion wanes in mid-stage relationships – not because love is gone, but because the relationship is asking both partners to grow. Marriage doesn’t permanently kill sex; it challenges you to rekindle it at a more profound level.

Chapter 4: Holding On to Your Self

The Four Points of Balance: Chapter 4 marks a turning point, introducing the practical framework of the Four Points of Balance™, which are four critical personal abilities for maintaining your identity and stability in an intimate relationship. These points are presented as the pillars of a solid self and the antidote to emotional gridlock in couples. The Four Points of Balance are: 1) Solid Flexible Self – the ability to know who you are and what you value, especially under pressure from your partner. 2) Quiet Mind–Calm Heart – the ability to soothe your own anxiety and regulate your emotions, so you don’t depend on others to do it for you. 3) Grounded Responding – staying calm and not overreacting when your partner is upset or anxious, i.e., not running away or escalating conflict. 4) Meaningful Endurance – the capacity to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth or integrity, rather than always seeking immediate relief. Schnarch explains that these abilities evolved over millions of years and are central to being a mature adult – and they directly impact sexual desire and intimacy. If one or more points are weak, desire problems are far more likely because partners get stuck in anxiety and defensiveness.

Emotional Gridlock and Differentiation: The chapter also delves into “emotional gridlock,” which is the stalemate couples reach when neither can change without the other changing too, and both dig in their heels. This often happens around sex (e.g., one refuses sex to feel autonomy; the other refuses intimacy until they get sex). Schnarch posits that the cure for gridlock is differentiation, meaning each partner strengthening their own Four Points of Balance【12†L115-124】【12†L121-129】. Differentiation is defined as the process of developing a solid but flexible self, capable of close connection and independence. Here, “holding on to your self” means not losing yourself or your composure when confronted with your partner’s differences or the stress of conflict. For instance, if your spouse has low desire, instead of melting down with anxiety or desperately trying to please them (losing your self), you practice calming yourself and standing on your own two feet emotionally. This reduces the pressure in the relationship. Each partner’s growth pushes the other to grow as well【12†L103-112】【12†L115-123】 – one theme of the book is that improving yourself is the best way to influence the relationship. Schnarch emphasizes that it only takes one partner to begin shifting a gridlocked dynamic: by upping your own functioning in the Four Points, you stop the vicious cycle and invite change.

Developing the Four Points: Chapter 4 offers insight into what each Point of Balance looks like in action. For example, a Solid Flexible Self allows you to stay true to your principles without alienating your partner – you can hear their perspective and even adapt when appropriate, but you don’t betray your core values just to keep the peace. Quiet Mind–Calm Heart might involve self-soothing techniques or self-talk so that you don’t panic or lash out during an argument. Grounded Responding means if your partner is angry or anxious, you strive to remain steady instead of mirror their anxiety (no running out of the room or exploding). Meaningful Endurance requires viewing the pain or frustration you feel as meaningful effort toward a better relationship – tolerating a difficult conversation or a period of sexual drought because you see it leading to growth. Schnarch makes it clear that nobody is perfect at these; in fact, “it’s normal to have difficulty in the Four Points of Balance – which makes sexual desire problems normal as well.”. The goal is to gradually improve them. The text provides examples, such as Carol and Randall, whose lack of these skills led to nasty fights and a collapsing sex life. Both would crumble emotionally (no Calm Heart), attack each other (no Grounded Responding), and rely on the other for validation (no Solid Self), illustrating how deficits in the Four Points fuel desire and intimacy troubles.

By strengthening each point, partners become less reactive and more secure, creating a safer, more passionate marriage. Schnarch calls the Four Points “amazing human abilities” that “help you keep your emotional balance when things get rough.” When both spouses work on these, gridlocks over sex and other issues can finally break. The chapter closes with “Ideas to Ponder” summarizing that “Your Four Points of Balance determine the strength or weakness of your sense of self” and are absolutely integral to resolving sexual issues.

Key Takeaways:

• Four Points of Balance: These four skills – Solid Flexible Self, Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, Meaningful Endurance – are the foundation for both a strong self and a healthy marriage. Strengthening them reduces conflict and boosts intimacy.

• Solid Self vs. anxiety: If you can hold on to yourself under pressure, you won’t need to control or distance from your partner to feel okay. This personal stability allows for closer intimacy without losing individuality.

• Self-regulation is key: Learning to calm your own anxieties and emotions (Quiet Mind–Calm Heart) and to stay present rather than overreacting (Grounded Responding) prevents the vicious cycles that kill desire.

• Embrace discomfort for growth: Meaningful Endurance means tolerating short-term discomfort or uncertainty – such as honest but awkward conversations, or temporary sexual frustration – in service of long-term improvement. This perseverance is necessary to work through gridlocked problems.

• Differentiation resolves gridlock: Instead of waiting for your partner to change, focus on developing yourself. As you raise your level of differentiation (via the Four Points), the relationship dynamic shifts and longstanding desire issues become easier to solve.

Chapter 5: Intimacy Shapes Your Sexual Desire

Other-Validated vs. Self-Validated Intimacy: Chapter 5 examines how the type of intimacy a couple practices can either stoke sexual desire or smother it. Schnarch differentiates between other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy. Other-validated intimacy is when we seek reassurance, acceptance, or approval from our partner as proof of closeness. It’s the “tell me I’m okay” style of connecting – common in many relationships but ultimately fragile. For example, one might avoid saying anything that upsets their partner, or constantly check “Are we alright?” to feel secure. In contrast, self-validated intimacy is the ability to share your authentic self – thoughts, feelings, even disagreements – and validate yourself in the process. This means you can be honest and open without depending on your partner’s immediate agreement or praise to feel good about yourself. Schnarch argues that deep adult intimacy requires this self-validated approach: being able to express who you really are, “warts and all,” and tolerate that vulnerability.

Intimacy as a System: The chapter underscores that intimacy is a system, just like sexual desire. In fact, the two systems are intertwined. If one is out of balance, it affects the other. Emotional gridlock in intimacy (like feeling you can’t talk openly or be yourself) will often lead to low sexual desire. Schnarch explains how a dependence on other-validated intimacy sets couples up for trouble: early in a relationship, sharing feelings and being affectionate are easy and validating (which feels great), but over time “validation hunger” can cause partners to hide their true selves to avoid disagreement. This leads to stagnation and resentment, which then dampens desire. It’s virtually inevitable that couples hit a point where seeking only comfort and validation from each other results in “emotional gridlock” – a stalemate where deeper intimacy cannot grow. In this state, desire often drops because sexual excitement thrives on partners being real and present, not walking on eggshells.

Breaking Gridlock through Self-Validation: Schnarch advises that to rekindle desire, couples must shift towards self-validated intimacy. This means each person confronts themselves to speak honestly (even when it’s hard) and to hear hard truths without collapsing. A practical tip from the chapter: “To resolve gridlock, you have to deliberately get out of step and dampen negative reverberations in your relationship. You have to stop responding in kind and author new behaviors.”. In plain terms, someone has to break the pattern – instead of both partners reacting defensively or appeasing each other superficially, one needs to stay steady and say (or do) something different that’s true to themselves. This might involve calmly bringing up a topic they usually avoid, or not instantly rescuing the partner from a moment of discomfort. By tolerating the anxiety of this honesty (thanks to those Four Points skills), the couple can start experiencing real intimacy – seeing and accepting each other’s true minds. Interestingly, Schnarch notes that recognizing there are parts of your partner’s mind you don’t know is also part of true intimacy. In other words, intimacy isn’t about complete merging or mind-reading; it’s about being curious and open to continually learning about each other.

Impact on Desire: Once couples practice more self-validated intimacy, sexual desire typically rises. Why? Schnarch suggests that an atmosphere of authenticity and mutual respect is sexy. When you stop requiring your partner to constantly prop up your ego (and vice versa), you reduce the “pressure cooker” anxiety in the relationship. This freedom lets genuine eroticism emerge. The chapter shares how couples who made this shift found that emotional honesty sparked new attraction – they became more interesting to each other. Intimacy and desire feed each other in a positive loop: as partners reveal more of themselves (good and bad) and stay present, they often become more passionate and desirous, because the relationship feels more alive and real. Schnarch calls this “intersubjective experiences” – moments where two people deeply connect mind-to-mind – which can be incredibly stimulating and bonding. The big lesson is that safety in a marriage can’t be achieved by avoiding truth or conflict. Paradoxically, embracing some risk by being honest leads to a more secure, exciting bond. By the end of Chapter 5, readers understand that improving sexual desire isn’t just about new techniques or romantic getaways; it’s fundamentally about improving how you relate – moving from needy intimacy to authentic intimacy. The Ideas to Ponder hammer it home: “Intimacy involves mapping your own mind in front of your partner, and letting your partner map your mind too. Your Four Points of Balance determine your tolerance of profound intimacy… Other-validated intimacy is time-limited… Self-validated intimacy hinges on the strength of your Four Points.”. This highlights that true closeness (which fuels desire) depends on each partner’s personal growth.

Key Takeaways:

• Shallow vs. deep intimacy: Other-validated intimacy (basing your sense of connection on your partner’s continual reassurance) may feel good initially but leads to gridlock and stifled desire. Self-validated intimacy(sharing yourself and standing on your own feet) creates lasting, growth-oriented closeness.

• Intimacy and desire are linked systems: When a couple hits emotional gridlock – avoiding honesty to keep the peace – sexual desire almost inevitably declines. You can’t have hot sex if you’re afraid to be real with each other.

• Break the pattern: Solving intimacy impasses requires someone to stop the reactive cycle. New, honest behavior (even if it causes temporary discomfort) can jar the relationship into a healthier equilibrium.

• Embrace vulnerability: True intimacy means letting your partner really see you, and being willing to see them, even the unknown or “not so pretty” parts. This vulnerability and acceptance are what make long-term partners feel passionately connected.

• Strength from within: The capacity for self-validated intimacy – and thus renewed desire – depends on each person’s Four Points of Balance. Personal growth (differentiation) enables deeper intimacy, which in turn rekindles sexual spark.

Chapter 6: Changing Monogamy from Martyrdom to Freedom

Monogamy Myths and Realities: In Chapter 6, Schnarch tackles the thorny issue of monogamy and its reputation for killing sexual desire. He acknowledges that many people see monogamy as a straitjacket – something you sufferthrough (hence “martyrdom”) for the sake of love or morality, often at the expense of passion. Using the heated story of Karen and Julian, he illustrates a common scenario: Julian (LDP) withheld sex for years due to unresolved issues (like his rapid orgasm problem), and Karen (HDP) felt so starved and frustrated that she had an affair. Now Julian invokes the “we agreed to be monogamous!” argument in outrage, and Karen retorts that monogamy “isn’t natural” if it means no sex. This couple’s crisis brings up two questions: Is monogamy inherently against human nature? and Does committing to one partner doom you to a dead bedroom? Schnarch’s response reframes monogamy not as the villain, but as a system that reflects the couple’s level of differentiation. He cites anthropological insights (e.g., Helen Fisher’s work) that human sexuality evolved with both pair-bonding and infidelity in our repertoire. In short, while humans can be promiscuous, we also pair off – but how we handle monogamy varies widely.

Monogamy as a “System” with a Monopoly: Schnarch introduces the idea that “Monogamy is not a promise; it’s a system”. By this, he means monogamy creates a situation of exclusive sexual access: each partner is the other’s sole sexual outlet. This effectively forms a “sexual monopoly” – and like any monopoly, it controls supply. If one partner isn’t interested in sex (the LDP), the other has no alternative source, which can amplify power struggles and resentments. In poorly differentiated couples (weak Four Points), monogamy can feel like tyranny: the HDP feels captive or entitled (“you owe me sex since you’re my only partner”), and the LDP feels objectified or pressured (“you only want me for sex”) – a recipe for mutual misery. Schnarch vividly calls this the “tyranny of monogamy” when handled poorly. Karen and Julian exemplified this: Julian quietly used monogamy as leverage (withholding sex to assert power, maybe unconsciously), and Karen eventually rebelled against that sexual monopoly by cheating. However, Schnarch argues it doesn’t have to be this way. When both partners work on themselves, monogamy transforms from a burdensome restriction into a chosen commitment that fosters growth and freedom.

Critical Mass and the “Crucible” of Infidelity: Often it takes a crisis (“critical mass”) to force change – like the affair in Karen and Julian’s case. Schnarch notes that many couples endure low-sex marriages until something “blows up.” This crisis, while painful, can become a “Crucible” experience – an intense trial by fire that, if faced honestly, pushes both people to radically grow. In the chapter, Karen’s affair is that crucible: it brings their issues to a head. Julian and Karen, with guidance, can use this betrayal as motivation to finally address the long-avoided sexual problem and their controlling dynamics. Schnarch doesn’t condone cheating but sees that the fear of loss can awaken integrity and courage that were lacking. Safety and security vs. growth is another theme here: Many therapists say “make a partner feel safe, then desire will come.” Schnarch counters that over-prioritizing safety can enable avoidance. Sometimes, a loss of safety (like the real threat of divorce) is what spurs genuine change. This is echoed later in Chapter 10’s discussion of integrity and taking action when things get bad enough.

Monogamy Reimagined: By strengthening their Four Points of Balance, a couple can turn monogamy into a conscious, liberating choice. Schnarch suggests that a robust monogamous relationship actually requires more personal growth than a non-monogamous one, because you must continually find new depth with the same person. He describes “a kind of monogamy that prompts generosity rather than withholding, and generates freedom rather than tyranny”. In such a relationship, both partners:

• Accept that they can’t force desire, only invite it.

• Respect each other’s autonomy (no one “owes” sex on demand, so sex becomes a true gift, not a marital duty).

• Maintain personal growth (keeping themselves interesting and engaged in life, which in turn brings energy back into the marriage).

• See fidelity not as a cage, but as a platform for creativity: because they’ve “limited” themselves to one partner, they are motivated to explore and develop that sexual relationship to its fullest potential, rather than looking elsewhere.

The end of Chapter 6 affirms that by enduring the discomfort and working through it, Karen and Julian “went through their crucible and emerged more capable of solid desire for each other and for sex”. Schnarch even muses that monogamy might be “Nature’s way of getting you to have a better relationship with yourself.” Handled properly, it forces you to become clearer about your own desirability, better at calming yourself, less reactive, and more resilient – essentially, it pushes you to improve your Four Points of Balance. Thus, monogamy, rather than being just a moral rule or sacrifice, becomes a driving force for personal evolution and, ultimately, greater passion. The chapter’s key message: “Turning monogamy from martyrdom into freedom strengthens your Four Points of Balance and enhances desire.” In other words, if you do the work, staying with one person can bring out the best in you and lead to more satisfying sex than chasing novelty externally.

Key Takeaways:

• Monogamy isn’t the enemy: Simply having one sexual partner isn’t what kills desire – it’s how you handle that arrangement. Poor differentiation makes monogamy feel suffocating; better differentiation makes it empowering.

• Sexual monopoly dynamic: In monogamy, one partner can effectively “control the supply” of sex. If this power imbalance isn’t addressed through honesty and personal growth, it breeds resentment (the HDP feels starved; the LDP feels pressured).

• Crisis can catalyze growth: Sometimes it takes hitting critical mass (an affair, ultimatum, or other wake-up call) for couples to confront long-ignored problems. This “crucible” moment, though painful, can lead to transformational change if met with integrity and self-confrontation.

• From martyrdom to choice: True monogamy is a choice, not just a duty. When both partners choose each other freely (rather than out of fear or obligation), it creates a sense of freedom. You’re with your partner because you genuinely want to be, which can rekindle desire and mutual generosity.

• Growth through fidelity: Embracing monogamy as a path for growth means using its challenges to become a stronger individual. As you build your Four Points of Balance within a monogamous relationship, you actually increase the erotic potential and emotional richness of that relationship.

Chapter 7: Desire Fades When You Stop Growing

Sexual Boredom is Normal: Chapter 7 confronts a fear many couples have but rarely voice: “What if I’m just bored with my partner?” Schnarch normalizes sexual boredom as a common phase, not a failing. He explains that in long-term relationships, novelty naturally decreases – you’ve learned a lot about each other, routines set in, and life responsibilities (kids, work, etc.) take up energy. Importantly, “Sexual boredom is normal,” and it doesn’t mean you’re with the wrong person. Rather, it’s a sign that the relationship (and the individuals) need to grow or change to rekindle excitement. Schnarch notes that couples often don’t see desire dwindling until it’s almost gone because it can happen gradually. In the story of Regina and Ellen – an older lesbian couple who “never fought” but quietly grew distant – their sexual frequency declined over years while they maintained a pleasant, conflict-free facade. The move toward retirement upset their delicate balance, exposing how their avoidance of conflict contributed to a dead bedroom. This illustrates that over-focusing on comfort/stability (without direct communication or evolution) leads to stagnation.

When Your Partner Becomes Too Important: A striking insight in this chapter is that desire can fade when your partner becomes “too important” to you – more important than you are to yourself. That might sound odd, because we’re taught to cherish our loved ones. But Schnarch means that if you overly depend on your partner’s approval or presence to feel okay (losing your own identity in the process), it actually undermines attraction. Why? Because erotic desire often contains a bit of mystery, independence, and self-contained vitality. If one partner is anxiously preoccupied with not upsetting the other (putting their partner on a pedestal or tiptoeing around them), it can kill the erotic charge. Essentially, desire requires an other – someone who is not fused with you. If you merge so much that you have no separateness or if you’re constantly accommodating to avoid conflict, passion suffocates. This is tied to the concept of “anxiety-regulation through accommodation”: partners avoid triggering each other (smoothing over everything) to manage anxiety, but the cost is the spark and authenticity of the relationship. Chapter 7 warns that making your relationship too “safe” by avoiding issues can backfire – it can create a stable but desire-less union, sometimes called “the good roommate marriage.”

Need for Novelty and Individuality: To counteract this, Schnarch suggests embracing novelty and self-expansion. He says, “People have sex up to the limits of their Four Points of Balance. The solution to sexual boredom involves stepping outside your familiar repertoire and creating novelty.”. In practice, that might mean trying new sexual activities, but even more it means pushing your personal boundaries – showing sides of yourself you’ve kept hidden, developing new hobbies or skills, engaging in personal growth that surprises your partner. These things raise anxiety (in a good way) because they challenge your identity and the status quo. That jolt of energy can “wake up” a sleeping desire. Schnarch notes that sexual novelty is always introduced unilaterally. In other words, one person has to take the lead in doing something different; couples rarely decide together to change simultaneously. Often, this leads to fights (“Why are you doing this?!”), but he reframes those fights: “Couples fighting over doing something new are really fighting about revealing something new.”. This means the resistance isn’t to the activity itself, but to the vulnerability of change – showing a new facet of oneself or seeing a new facet of the partner. If your Four Points are weak, you’ll avoid or sabotage novelty because it’s too uncomfortable. But if you can tolerate the discomfort, novelty can re-energize desireby making the relationship feel less predictable and more alive.

Continuous Growth = Continuous Desire: The title “Desire Fades When You Stop Growing” encapsulates the chapter’s thesis: stalled personal growth = stalled desire. Schnarch urges readers to view the ebb of passion not as an end, but as a clear signal: it’s time to grow again. He even suggests that mid-life or long-term relationships hold the potential for greater desire than youth, because as people increase their capacity for intimacy and selfhood, their capacity for desire expands too. He backs this up by observing that older couples often solve desire problems that baffled them when they were younger; aging can correlate with better sex because of increased maturity and differentiation. The tone here is hopeful – if you put effort into continuous personal development and are willing to shake things up, desire doesn’t have to inevitably decay. In fact, not wanting (apathy) is sometimes a defense against the vulnerability of wanting deeply. Some people “don’t let themselves want” because wanting (yearning) is uncomfortable – it reminds them of neediness or past hurts. Building tolerance for that longing feeling is part of growth. The chapter’s final Ideas to Ponder highlight: (1) “Desire problems arise when your partner becomes more important to you than you are to yourself.”(i.e., don’t lose self for the relationship). (2) “Sexual relationships always consist of ‘leftovers.’ People have sex up to the limits of their Four Points of Balance.” (i.e., whatever growth you haven’t achieved becomes the sex you’re not having). (3) Novelty is essential and has to be initiated by someone willing to handle their partner’s anxious reaction. Together, these reinforce that personal growth and keeping a strong sense of self are absolute requirements for sustaining sexual desire.

Key Takeaways:

• Boredom is a sign, not a death sentence: Feeling sexually bored or stuck is normal over time. It means you and the relationship need new growth, not a new partner. Don’t panic – get proactive.

• Don’t over-accommodate: If you make your partner’s comfort more important than staying true to yourself, you’ll end up with low desire and hidden resentment. A little constructive tension (maintaining individuality) actually fuels attraction.

• Inject novelty and risk: Doing new things, in and out of bed, is necessary to refresh desire. Yes, it will be uneasy at first – novelty raises anxiety – but that’s also what makes it exciting and growth-promoting.

• One partner can start change: Don’t wait for mutual agreement to try something different. Desire revival often starts with one person’s unilateral change, which might trigger conflict but ultimately can lead to new equilibrium.

• Keep growing personally: View your sexual relationship as evolving. If you continually work on yourself (building self-confidence, calming your anxieties, expanding your horizons), you expand how much desire and intimacy you can handle. When you’re growing, your relationship (and passion) grows too.

Chapter 8: Wanting, Not Wanting to Want, and Two-Choice Dilemmas

Desire as Active Wanting: Chapter 8 shifts focus to the internal psychological conflicts that fuel desire problems. Schnarch emphasizes that sexual desire is fundamentally about “wanting” – not just a physical urge, but an active longing for your partner. He distinguishes between wanting sex vs. wanting the person. Many low desire scenarios arise not from lack of libido, but from ambivalence about wanting in the context of the relationship or one’s own emotions. Schnarch states, “Desire isn’t a biological drive that drags you into bed... Think of desire as wanting.”. This means individuals have to allow themselves to truly want – which is more vulnerable than just feeling a reflexive “horniness.” A surprising point is that poorly differentiated people “don’t want to want, but they want to be wanted.”. In other words, someone with a weak sense of self might resist feeling desire (because wanting someone gives that person power to hurt or reject them), yet they crave their partner’s desire for them (because it validates them). This paradox can cause a standoff where each person secretly wants to be pursued but is afraid to pursue, leading to stalemate. Recognizing this dynamic is key: do you fear wanting? If so, that fear can shut down your desire.

Two-Choice Dilemmas: Schnarch introduces the concept of two-choice dilemmas – situations in relationships where either choice feels bad. For example, “If I give in to sex, I feel used and resentful; if I refuse, I feel guilty and distant.” Or “If I speak up about what I want, I risk rejection; if I stay silent, I feel unmet and frustrated.” Desire problems often manifest as these no-win choices. Because couples are emotionally fused, their options seem finite: they can either accommodate and feel trapped, or assert themselves and face conflict. In fused relationships, when one partner begins to assert a more solid self (growing), the other initially feels threatened – hence choices seem to shrink further (“If she grows, where does that leave me?”). Schnarch notes that as one partner differentiates, the other may react by trying to pull them back, creating dilemmas until they adjust. He encourages a different view: these dilemmas are growth opportunities. The way out is not a comfortable third option handed on a silver platter; it’s to choose your growth over your comfort. For instance, an LDP may face a two-choice dilemma of “continue avoiding sex vs. try to want sex.” Both are hard – avoiding sex strains the marriage; trying to want sex triggers anxiety. The growthful choice would be trying to want (facing anxiety), instead of the status quo of avoidance.

Choosing Your Partner Freely: Chapter 8 also talks about “consciously chosen, freely undertaken desire.” Schnarch suggests that, particularly after the initial romantic infatuation fades, desire in long-term relationships becomes a choice– an act of will and commitment. “We construct ourselves through wanting and making choices,” he writes. This ties back to integrity: Will you choose to invest in desiring your partner? It’s not as simple as flipping a switch, but it involves actively deciding to engage rather than passively waiting for lust to magically appear. For example, Tom and Helen (the couple mentioned in this chapter) were stuck because Tom (the LDP) wouldn’t “choose” to want – he used the excuse of their fights over marriage to disengage from sex entirely. Schnarch worked with them to see that Tom needed to confront his fear of marriage and of wanting deeply, rather than retreating. This conscious choice element empowers individuals: instead of seeing themselves as victims of low desire (“I just don’t feel it”), they are encouraged to see where they can exercise agency (“How might I be holding back my wanting? What am I afraid of?”).

Integrity and “Unfulfilled Destiny”: The chapter hints at a deeper driver of desire – a sense of unfulfilled potential. People often feel an inner restlessness, a knowledge they could experience more in love and sex, which Schnarch frames as part of our human striving. “Rather than being driven by discomforts and deprivations, our sense of ‘unfulfilled destiny’ drives us forward.”. In essence, the best kind of wanting comes not from neediness or emptiness, but from a vision of something greater that you can grow into. Tapping into that can spur someone to break through a two-choice dilemma (“Yes, it’s scary to change, but I don’t want to die never knowing deeper passion”). This is where integritycomes in – living congruent with your deeper values and yearnings, rather than succumbing to fear. Schnarch argues that doing the right thing for yourself and your relationship (maintaining integrity) often means facing down these dilemmas and choosing the harder, growth-promoting path. If you avoid it, you might take easier short-term routes (like an affair, or settling into a sexless but conflict-free routine), but you sacrifice part of yourself and your relationship’s potential.

The “Ideas to Ponder” sum up the chapter: 1) Human sexual desire is about desiring your partner, not just sex itself. People who are not well-differentiated tend to avoid wanting (to shield themselves) but still want to feel desired. 2) Desire problems create and result from two-choice dilemmas – limited options that feel all negative, a sign of emotional fusion. 3) Our higher human capacity is to let ourselves want and grow from it. Wanting mobilizes the self to become more than it is, fulfilling a sense of destiny or higher potential. These points reinforce the notion that desire is both a personal and moral choice – a choice to engage, to be vulnerable, to strive for more rather than stay stuck.

Key Takeaways:

• Examine your “wanting”: Low desire often isn’t lack of lust – it’s fear or avoidance of wanting. Ask yourself, do I let myself deeply want my partner, or do I only want them to want me?. Confronting this can reveal hidden anxieties.

• Two bad options = a call to grow: When you feel trapped between two lousy choices (have sex you don’t want vs. don’t have sex and feel guilty, for example), recognize this “two-choice dilemma” as a product of being stuck. The way out is often to do the braver thing that you’ve been avoiding.

• Desire is a choice and a skill: Especially in a settled relationship, choosing to cultivate desire for your partner is an active process. This might mean intentionally romancing them, addressing your resentments, or working on seeing them in a new light, rather than passively hoping desire returns.

• Don’t wait for feeling, act with integrity: Instead of waiting to feel desire, act according to your values – for instance, valuing your marriage might mean initiating affection or going to therapy even if you’re not “in the mood.” Integrity can lead feelings; doing what’s right can eventually reignite genuine desire.

• Wanting leads to becoming: Embrace your yearnings as fuel. Allowing yourself to want (your partner, a richer relationship, personal growth) will push you out of your comfort zone, but it will also mobilize you to become a more evolved, fulfilled person.

Chapter 9: Normal Marital Sadism, the Devil’s Pact, and Other Dark Stuff

The Dark Side of Marriage: Chapter 9 shines light on the uncomfortable truth that even “normal” loving couples can be cruel to each other in subtle ways – a phenomenon Schnarch terms “normal marital sadism” (NMS). This isn’t about literal violence or overt abuse; it refers to the everyday ways spouses may punish, manipulate, or emotionally hurt each other, especially when sexual desire problems arise. For example, a partner might withhold affection or sex to hurt the other (consciously or not), use biting sarcasm, give the silent treatment, or make disparaging comments that undermine the other’s confidence. Schnarch acknowledges a grim reality: “If you want to torture your partner in a monogamous relationship, there’s no better or more common way than to use sex and desire.”. This is strong language, but it rings true – frustration around sex can bring out mean-spirited behaviors like blaming, shaming, or deliberately arousing and then rejecting a partner. And it happens far more often than people admit, hence “normal” marital sadism. Recognizing these dark impulses in oneself and one’s partner is crucial to overcoming them. Schnarch’s approach is frank: rather than sugarcoating, couples must confront that both partners usually contribute to a poisonous dynamic (e.g., the HDP nags or guilt-trips, the LDP stonewalls or belittles).

The Devil’s Pact (Deals that Backfire): The “Devil’s Pact” refers to unspoken deals couples make, often early on, that later haunt their marriage. A classic example is the trophy wife/trophy husband scenario (illustrated by “Barbie and Ken” in the text): One partner provides financial security and status, the other provides sex and attractiveness. These transactional arrangements seem to satisfy both parties initially, but they contain the seeds of future desire problems. Why? Because when sex is given as part of a bargain rather than genuine desire, it often diminishes over time – the deal itself “guarantees desire will fade”. Barbie and Ken enjoyed the benefits of their pact (admiration, comfort) but ended up in a sexless war because neither entered the marriage for true intimacy. Other Devil’s Pacts might include: “I’ll overlook your temper if you let me avoid sex,” or “I’ll handle all the household duties if you never challenge my decisions.” These implicit agreements can undermine genuine connection and become sources of resentment and power imbalance. When the pact begins to chafe (as it almost always does), sexual desire is often the casualty.

Acknowledging Mutual Cruelty: A key step Chapter 9 suggests is owning up to the ways each partner has hurt the other in the sexual arena. For example, the HDP might admit: “I realized I’ve been making snide remarks about your body when I feel rejected.” The LDP might admit: “I have been using excuses and lateness to avoid sex, knowing it frustrates you.” Schnarch notes, “People are often sadistic when dodging their two-choice dilemmas. Partners eat each other’s hearts.”. This stark metaphor “eat each other’s hearts” conveys how couples can cruelly pick at each other’s vulnerabilities (e.g., the HDP’s fear of not being attractive, the LDP’s fear of being used) to avoid facing their own part in the problem. Importantly, NMS is usually a two-way street – both high and low desire partners engage in it, though their methods differ. Recognizing this reciprocity helps move beyond a blame game to a shared accountability: We’ve both hurt each other in this.

The Way Out – Truth and Release: Schnarch outlines a difficult but liberating process to break free from these dark patterns: integrity and full disclosure. He states the best way out of this cruelty is “(a) giving a clear and complete accounting of yourself and what you’ve been doing, and (b) giving your partner a fair shot at his own vision of happiness.”. In plain terms, that means come clean – confess the mind games, the resentments, the deals you’ve been secretly upholding, and acknowledge the harm. And second, if you truly cannot or will not meet your partner’s needs, stop stringing them along. For instance, someone who absolutely has no intention of ever having sex again should tell their spouse bluntly, and “give them a fair shot” at deciding if they want to stay or leave (their own happiness). Or if you’ve been staying married just for the kids while freezing your partner out, admit it and let them decide how to proceed. This radical honesty is painful but respectful; it ends the torture of ambiguity and covert battles. Schnarch implies that sometimes this may lead to relationships ending – but it might also save them, because real healing can’t occur without truth and the restoration of each person’s dignity.

In the story of Barbie and Ken, Schnarch tried to get them to face these truths (Ken feeling entitled to sex for providing money; Barbie marrying for status and withholding sex as power). Ultimately, Barbie chose to quit therapy, not ready to confront it, demonstrating how deep these dynamics run. The lesson for readers is to muster the courage to confront their own “devilish” behaviors in the relationship and to bring secrets into the open. Only then can the couple decide, with integrity, how to move forward – either on a new footing or to part ways honorably rather than in endless mutual torment.

Key Takeaways:

• Hidden cruelty exists: Many couples engage in “normal marital sadism” – subtle or not-so-subtle ways of hurting each other around sex (insults, withholding, guilt trips). Acknowledge these behaviors rather than denying them.

• Beware of implicit deals: Early relationship bargains (sex for security, peace for avoidance of issues, etc.) might later strangle desire. These Devil’s Pacts solve short-term needs at the cost of long-term passion. When the bargain falls apart, the underlying lack of intimacy is exposed.

• Both contribute to the toxic cycle: It’s rarely one “bad guy” and one victim. Both the high and low desire partner typically engage in damaging tactics (even if one is more overt). Seeing each other as both hurting and hurt is key to moving forward.

• Radical honesty and ownership: The antidote to these dark patterns is shining a light on them. Confess your resentments and manipulations – take responsibility for how you’ve been handling your unhappiness. This courage can break the cycle of quiet revenge.

• Integrity in resolution: Give your partner and yourself the chance for real happiness, even if it’s a tough road. That means no more deceit or half-truths. If changes can’t be made, consider decisions (even ending the relationship) openly rather than dragging out misery. In short, do it straight – either fix it with full effort and honesty, or amicably split, but stop the slow cruelty.

Chapter 10: What Does It Take to Really Change Things? Safety, Growth, and Critical Mass

Comfort vs. Growth Dilemma: Chapter 10 addresses why couples often stay stuck even when they know what the issues are. Schnarch posits that many people avoid doing the hard things (even if they have insight) because facing fears is genuinely difficult. He asks, “Some people don’t grow when given the chance… Who wants to confront their demons? But that’s not the question love relationships pose. Marriage asks, Are you willing to stand up now, or do things have to get worse?”. This blunt question highlights that marriage will keep turning up the heat (“things get worse”) until you either grow or the relationship breaks – what he calls the backbone of marriage: your integrity. A key theme is safety vs. growth: many approaches aim to make partners feel “safe and secure” first, believing that only then will they risk change (like being more sexual or open). Schnarch challenges this, observing that chasing safety can actually stall growth and desire. He reminds us of Part One’s insight: “attachment and lust involve different neurobiological systems,”and once the easy lust is gone, more security doesn’t necessarily spark desire – often it’s the opposite. Overemphasis on safety can coddle the partner’s anxieties instead of encouraging them to build their own courage. He argues that at some point, integrity – sticking to your core principles – must trump the desire to avoid anxiety.

Integrity and Differentiation: Schnarch introduces integrity as “the ultimate manifestation of the human self” in marriage. Integrity here means living in line with your values and truths even when it’s hard or scary. It’s closely tied to differentiation – you need a solid self to have true integrity, otherwise your fears and need for approval will sway you from doing what you know is right. For instance, integrity might mean refusing to lie to yourself that everything’s fine, or refusing to continue enabling a partner’s avoidance. It could mean finally insisting on dealing with the sexual problem openly, or refusing to continue in a relationship that violates your basic needs. Schnarch points out that people with low differentiation often lack integrity simply because they can’t hold onto their own sense of right/wrong under pressure. They may tell themselves rationalizations (“It’s not that bad,” “I can’t survive alone,” etc.) to avoid hard choices. But deep down, violating one’s integrity – such as tolerating a toxic status quo or acting in bad faith – leads to self-loathing and shame.

Critical Mass – Reaching the Tipping Point: This chapter also revisits the idea of “critical mass”, the point at which the pain of not changing outweighs the fear of changing. Often, couples (or individuals) will not tackle their deepest issues until things hit a crisis. Schnarch doesn’t sugarcoat it: “All animals avoid pain. We usually avoid what makes us nervous as long as we can. When things aren’t so bad, it feels safe to ignore problems... Fortunately, marriage has evolved to take human nature into account. Love relationships prod you to stand up and deal with things that frighten you. They grab hold of everything solid in you... until the essence of your being feels at risk.”. This paints a dramatic picture: marriage itself will escalate situations (“grab hold of everything you hold dear”) until your integrity is at stake – that is, until not acting would mean losing your self-respect or something precious. For example, a spouse might endure years of a sexless marriage but finally reaches a breaking point where they think, “If I go one more year like this, I’ll hate myself for settling.” That’s critical mass. At that stage, the person is often willing to risk major upheaval (like demanding counseling, confronting their partner bluntly, or even ending the marriage) because the alternative – staying the same – has become intolerable.

Safety and Security – A Different View: Schnarch isn’t against emotional safety; he clarifies that real safety in a marriage comes not from tiptoeing around issues, but from both partners developing the strength to handle truth and conflict. Instead of one partner endlessly assuring the other (“I won’t leave, I accept you, you’re safe with me”) in hopes desire will bloom, he suggests focusing on self-soothing and mutual respect so that each partner can tolerate the natural risks of intimacy. It’s about “internal safety” – confidence in yourself that you can cope – rather than demanding external guarantees that often can’t be met or don’t ignite passion anyway. In Sue and Joe’s example (a couple mentioned in the chapter), Sue kept saying she didn’t feel “safe” due to childhood abandonment issues, so Joe walked on eggshells. But all the patience and reassurance didn’t make Sue desire Joe; it just made Joe frustrated and Sue still fearful. The resolution came when they addressed Sue’s need to build trust in herself (that she can handle vulnerability) and Joe’s need to speak up. Schnarch asserts that trying to eliminate all fear (“I need to feel 100% safe to be sexual”) is a dead end – at some point, courage must kick in, guided by integrity.

Grand Design of Marriage: This chapter essentially reveals the “grand design” of marriage as Schnarch sees it: it is engineered to demand our growth. We might procrastinate, but marriage (through conflicts, dissatisfaction, “critical mass” moments) will corner us with two choices: grow, or suffer to the point we must grow or break. The silver lining is that if one heeds these signs early (with less devastation), you can change course and not only save your relationship, but reach new heights of closeness and desire. The writing encourages readers to not wait for a catastrophe: “Don’t abandon your efforts prematurely. We construct ourselves through wanting and making choices... Marriage is the best marital therapy, perfected on billions of people over millions of years.”. In short, trust the process – but also, step up to what it’s asking of you.

The end of the chapter likely reinforces that the courage to act with integrity (to stand up for what’s needed) often precedes the feeling of safety. By doing so, you actually create a more resilient, passionate relationship where both partners can truly feel secure in the knowledge that they’re being real with each other.

Key Takeaways:

• Pain is a motivator: Many couples only change when staying the same becomes unbearable. “Critical mass” – a crisis point – often forces the issue. Don’t wait passively for disaster; recognize smaller signs as calls to action.

• Integrity over comfort: Doing what aligns with your core values (honesty, fairness, self-respect) is crucial, even if it’s scary. Each partner must eventually face the question: Will I stick to what I know is right for us, or avoid conflict and violate my integrity?. Growth often means short-term discomfort for long-term strength.

• True safety = personal strength: Emotional security in a marriage comes from both people developing themselves (their Four Points) so they can handle the natural anxieties of intimacy. Protecting a partner from every stress or never rocking the boat might keep things calm, but it also keeps things stuck.

• Marriage pushes you to grow: View your relationship problems as purposeful: marriage will “grab” your attention through conflicts until you address what needs addressing. This is by design – love challenges you to become your best, most solid self.

• Act sooner than later: The chapter encourages cultivating integrity and taking decisive action before hitting rock bottom. Confront issues with honesty and bravery when you realize them, not only when you have no other choice. This can prevent deeper damage and lead to a more profound, passionate relationship sooner.

Chapter 11: A Collaborative Alliance Is More Important Than Perfect Technique

Alliance vs. Technique: Kicking off Part Four (the section on sexual techniques and using the body), Chapter 11 immediately asserts that no bedroom technique – no matter how “advanced” – will solve desire problems if the couple doesn’t have a “collaborative alliance.” A collaborative alliance means the partners are fundamentally on the same team: honest with each other, trusting each other’s good intentions, and committed to facing problems side by side. This contrasts with couples who see each other as adversaries or whose interactions are filled with secrecy or blame. Schnarch emphasizes that many couples drop their alliance when sexual problems surface. For example, as soon as there’s an issue (like erection difficulties, or one partner’s discomfort), they might start accusing, withdrawing, or hiding feelings – basically, each retreats into “me vs. you” rather than “us vs. the problem.” Chapter 11 makes the case that maintaining a collaborative stance – even during awkward or tense moments in sex – is far more important than flawless sexual skills or frequency.

Elements of a Collaborative Alliance: The text outlines what a collaborative alliance involves: (1) Being honest even when it’s difficult, (2) not tampering with the truth, (3) confronting yourself and allowing your partner to confront you, and (4) operating from the best in you.. In practice, this could look like: if something feels bad or isn’t working in bed, you kindly speak up (and the other listens without defensiveness); you don’t fake pleasure or hide problems; you hold yourself accountable for your own triggers; you strive to be generous and compassionate. For instance, if one partner loses arousal, instead of both spiraling into shame or anger, a collaborative pair might handle it with gentle humor or support (“It’s okay, let’s just cuddle for a bit” or “What do you need right now?”). Schnarch provides specific exercises that inherently build alliance, like “Hugging Till Relaxed” and “Heads on Pillows” – these are practices from his work that require partners to literally hold each other and breathe together until anxiety dissipates. Such exercises force slow, honest connection – you can’t do them if you’re arguing or hiding your feelings. The chapter likely references these tools, noting: “Hugging till relaxed, heads on pillows, and feeling while touching are powerful tools for resolving desire problems because they involve collaborative alliances.”. The point is that any method that reinforces working togetherwill be more effective than technique-oriented approaches done in a mistrustful atmosphere.

Some Families Never Had Alliances: Schnarch touches on how one’s family background can affect the ability to form a collaborative alliance. Some people grew up in environments of competition, criticism, or emotional cut-offs, so they have no model for team-oriented partnership. They might interpret a partner’s anxious comment as an attack, or they feel compelled to “win” every argument. This chapter probably encourages empathy and learning – recognizing if you or your partner never learned to ally, you can start now. Basic communication skills (like active listening, validating feelings) help, but Schnarch focuses more on the deeper mindset: choosing to have each other’s back instead of viewing each other as the enemy.

Physical Alliance in Sex: A collaborative alliance is particularly crucial during sexual experiences. Schnarch describes that couples with desire problems often have fragile or broken alliances in bed. For example, if one partner feels pain or ticklish or emotionally uncomfortable, instead of addressing it together, they might endure silently (breeding resentment) or snap at their partner (breeding shame). Chapter 11 argues that staying allied – checking in with each other, adjusting, giving feedback without blame – is the key to a fulfilling sex life. Many sexual techniques fail simply because the couple’s emotional process is off. Conversely, even simple love-making can be extraordinarily satisfying if both people feel emotionally safe and cooperative. He provides anecdotes of couples who turned things around not by becoming sexual acrobats, but by rebuilding trust and open communication in bed. For instance, learning to say “Wait, try a little softer” or “I’m feeling self-conscious, can we slow down?” – and having the other respond supportively – is transformative.

Dropping Alliances vs. Keeping Them: One scenario described might be how partners “drop the alliance” when anxiety hits: say one partner can’t climax, and they feel upset; the other gets anxious and maybe defensive – now each is in their own corner mentally (“What’s wrong with me/them? This always happens!”) rather than reassuring and strategizing together. Schnarch encourages awareness of this moment: when you notice it, actively choose to stay connected. That could mean taking a break to talk, or one apologizing for a hurtful comment, or even just saying, “We’re in this together; let’s not turn on each other.”

Trust Over Techniques: The title’s message is clear: trust, honesty, and teamwork matter more than any fancy move or sexual knowledge. Once an alliance is strong, learning techniques (which come in subsequent chapters) becomes fun and effective. Without it, techniques lead to frustration or feelings of failure. By the end of Chapter 11, the couple should understand that their partnership itself is the greatest tool. They are invited to cultivate that alliance through small daily interactions, not just in bed but in general – telling the truth in kind ways, having each other’s well-being at heart, tackling problems as a unit.

“Ideas to Ponder” reinforce: “Partners drop alliances when desire problems surface. Collaborative alliances involve being honest, not tampering with the truth, letting yourselves confront and be confronted, and acting from your best self.”. They likely add that certain exercises (like hugging while relaxed) are powerful because they force this collaboration.

Key Takeaways:

• You’re a team, act like it: Approach sexual difficulties (and all conflicts) as “us against the problem,” not me against you. A strong collaborative alliance – honesty, mutual support, and openness – is the foundation for rekindling desire.

• Honesty is kindness: Don’t spare the truth or hide feelings to avoid awkwardness. Being lovingly honest (e.g., saying “that doesn’t feel good to me” or “I’m really anxious right now”) and receiving honesty without defensiveness keeps the alliance intact.

• Techniques mean little without trust: All the sexual “skills” in the world won’t help if partners don’t trust each other and communicate. An average technique done with warmth, attunement, and teamwork will outperform a fancy technique done in silence or resentment.

• Stay allied under stress: Notice when you start to blame, shut down, or turn away due to sexual anxiety. Choose to stay connected – pause, breathe, maybe even laugh together – rather than going to war or retreating. This resilience in the alliance is what solves long-term issues.

• Use alliance-building exercises: Simple physical practices like holding each other until you both relax or lying face-to-face and talking can rebuild connection. They emphasize patience and empathy, reinforcing that feeling witheach other is more important than performing for each other.

Chapter 12: Curing Ticklishness and Noxious Touch

Ticklishness as a Desire Killer: Chapter 12 zeroes in on a specific, often overlooked barrier to sexual intimacy: ticklishness and its cousin, aversion to certain touch (what Schnarch calls “noxious touch” when touch feels irritating or overwhelming). Many couples dismiss ticklishness as trivial or just a quirk, but Schnarch reveals that ticklishness can seriously interfere with sexual desire and comfort. Imagine one partner can’t be touched on the sides or thighs without squirming or laughing uncontrollably – love-making gets complicated. In more extreme cases, a person might feel their “skin crawling” or panic when touched in certain ways, as happened with Colleen in the case example. Schnarch’s key point: ticklishness is not just a surface reflex; it often reflects underlying anxiety and lack of a collaborative alliance. If a partner is highly ticklish or finds touch irritating, it can create a vicious cycle: the ticklish one braces against touch (dropping alliance), the other feels rejected or frustrated, and both get defensive – clearly not sexy.

What Ticklishness Really Is: The chapter explains ticklishness scientifically and emotionally. Ticklishness is “a disagreeable tingling sensation... often accompanied by nervousness, squirming, and laughter”. Crucially, ticklish laughter is reflexive, not the same as joy. This can confuse couples: the ticklish partner is laughing, so the toucher might think they’re having fun, while in reality the ticklish partner is uncomfortable or even upset. Schnarch likely shares that many ticklish people, like Colleen, feel overstimulated and out of control, sometimes even panicked, when tickled or touched in certain ways. This reflex can be tied to psychological factors too – for example, people who are generally anxious, sensitive, or who didn’t feel in control of their bodies growing up may be more ticklish (Colleen’s demeanor of “I am delicate, handle me carefully” hints at that). On the other side, some individuals desensitize themselves (like Colleen’s husband Anthony, who forced himself to stop being ticklish in childhood due to a rough family). Understanding these backgrounds helps in curing it.

Resolving Ticklishness – Alliance and Control: Schnarch’s approach to curing ticklishness is twofold: physical techniques and rebuilding emotional alliance. Physically, one solution he offers is for the ticklish person to take control of the touch. For instance, guiding the partner’s hand, or touching themselves first and then letting the partner follow, or using pressure that they can regulate. When a ticklish person feels more in control, the sensation often becomes manageable. He might also suggest gradual exposure: learning to breathe and relax through small amounts of tickling or touch, extending tolerance over time. Importantly, the partner needs to be fully cooperative – not using tickling as a teasing weapon or getting offended by the limits. This is where alliance is key: the ticklish person must trust that their partner will stop immediately at their signal and is truly trying to comfort, not torment.

One concrete tip from the text: don’t force yourself or your partner to just “get over” ticklishness in the moment of sex. Instead, address it outside the heat of the moment. Schnarch actually suggests a somewhat bold exercise: mutually tasting each other’s fluids outside of sex (in Appendix B) to overcome aversions. For ticklishness, he suggests something analogous: deliberately get used to each other’s touch in a no-pressure context. For example, if a wife’s feet are ticklish, they might practice him touching her feet gently while she focuses on deep breathing and not reflexively pulling away. Over time, she retrains her body to accept that touch calmly.

Collaborative Alliance in the Moment: The chapter stresses communication like “Yellow light/red light” systems (a way to say “that’s getting uncomfortable” before it’s unbearable). If tickling happens accidentally during intimacy, the ticklish partner should feel free to say “Pause, I’m getting ticklish” without feeling silly or guilty. The other partner should respond supportively (maybe switch to a firmer touch, or let the ticklish partner reposition) without pouting or joking in a mean way. Both need to stay allied: the ticklish one fights the instinct to blame (“You’re doing it wrong!”) and instead takes responsibility to guide their lover; the other fights the instinct to take it personally (“Fine, I won’t touch you at all”) and stays engaged in finding what works.

Noxious Touch: This term covers when touch isn’t exactly ticklish but feels irritating or gross to someone (like light stroking might make someone’s skin crawl, or a particular type of caress feels invasive). Similar principles apply: often, it’s a mix of sensory sensitivity and emotional context. Chapter 12 likely advises couples not to label each other as “frigid” or “perverted” for these reactions, but to approach them matter-of-factly and with curiosity. Many times, noxious touch can become pleasurable once control and context change. For instance, a feather-light touch might bother someone who’s tense, but if they’re relaxed and expecting it, they could enjoy it.

By resolving ticklishness and aversion, couples often unlock new physical intimacy. Schnarch notes that “to my surprise, curing ticklishness turned out to be a wonderful way to resolve desire problems because it increases your Four Points of Balance, improves your relationship, and enhances your love-making.”. When ticklish partners learn to self-soothe (Quiet Mind–Calm Heart) and stay present (Grounded Responding) instead of going into reflexive panic, they boost their differentiation. The trust built by working through this together also spills into greater desire – the formerly ticklish partner now feels more at ease being touched, and the other partner feels more competent and connected. They might even experience, as Schnarch says, the “peace of lying relaxed in each other’s arms” for the first time.

Key Takeaways:

• Ticklishness is real and fixable: Extreme ticklishness or touch aversion can seriously block sexual intimacy, but it’s not just “childish” – it often stems from anxiety. With patience, one can desensitize ticklish responses and learn to enjoy touch.

• Regain control: The ticklish partner should be empowered to control the touching. When you feel in control, tickling subsides. That might mean guiding your partner’s hand, choosing the pressure, or signaling when to stop.

• Communication and trust: Both partners must strengthen their alliance here. The ticklish person needs to communicate clearly (without shame) about what they feel and need; the other must listen and immediately adjust without defensiveness or mockery. Knowing “my partner will stop when I say stop” builds the safety to push ticklish limits gradually.

• Practice outside the bedroom: Work on ticklish spots in a low-stakes way. Deliberately get used to touch bit by bit – e.g., practice touching a sensitive area for a few seconds longer each time while focusing on deep breathing and staying relaxed. Repetition and collaboration will retrain your body over time.

• Broader payoff: Solving ticklishness isn’t just about less giggling – it’s about building trust, confidence, and calm between partners. Those gains will reflect in your overall desire and intimacy. Couples often find that once-annoying touch becomes a source of comfort and even arousal when approached with the right mindset and alliance.

Chapter 13: Tender Loving Sex

Redefining “Tender” Sex: Chapter 13 introduces “Tender Loving Sex” as a powerful, meaningful approach to physical intimacy. Schnarch is careful to explain that “tender loving sex is not a type of sex (defined by specific acts or gentle gentleness). It is a meaning that permeates your sexual experience.”. In other words, tender loving sex isn’t about slow-motion candlelit lovemaking per se; it’s about the mindset and emotional quality you bring – a combination of love, vulnerability, and full presence. He contrasts it with the common dichotomy couples have: “tender” versus “hot” sex. Many think you can have either sweet, intimate but maybe lukewarm sex, or wild, passionate but perhaps impersonal sex. Schnarch says tender loving sex can be intensely erotic – “powerful in unimagined ways”, and it doesn’t have to be boring or mild. Tenderness here means open-heartedness and deep connection during sex.

Capacity to Love and Be Tender: A striking point made is that techniques alone don’t create tender loving sex. If a person “can’t stand being tender” or lacks capacity to love, then no specific act will magically produce tender sex. This ties back to all previous chapters: one’s Four Points of Balance and differentiation level limit how deeply they can engage. But the good news is, you can develop your capacity for tenderness and love – effectively, you can grow into being able to have this kind of sex. This might mean working on old baggage that makes vulnerability hard, or learning to stay present (Quiet Mind–Calm Heart) rather than dissociating when intimacy intensifies.

Elements of Tender Loving Sex: The chapter describes what tender loving sex entails: eye contact, slowing down to really feel each other, “letting yourself be held and letting yourself be seen”. It’s sex where both partners are emotionally engaged and exposed – not hiding behind fantasy, not performing, but truly sharing the moment and their feelings. Schnarch likely gives an example of a couple who, say, had mechanically “good” sex but lacked that heart connection, and how shifting to tenderness transformed their satisfaction. For instance, Kate and Paul might have learned to stop trying to impress each other with tricks and instead focus on holding each other, expressing affection and gratitude during sex. The benefits described include: renewing romance, feeling profoundly accepted, and often experiencing new intensity of arousal because the psychological barriers are down.

The text specifically links tender loving sex to the Four Points: “Your ability to have tender loving sex is linked to your Four Points of Balance. You have to hold on to yourself to be deeply engaged... It challenges, broadens, and solidifies your solid flexible self.”. This means during such sex, you might confront parts of yourself – maybe insecurities about your body, or shame, or fear of rejection – and you must self-soothe and remain present (Quiet Mind, etc.) to continue. Doing so actually strengthens your self and relationship. It’s like an advanced form of the emotional “yoga” of marriage: you stretch your tolerance for closeness.

Facing Challenges: Schnarch warns that tender loving sex isn’t easy or always comfortable at first. Partners unused to that level of intimacy may feel awkward, nervous, or even scared. Common reactions might be giggling from nervousness, avoiding eye contact, or one partner abruptly switching to a more familiar (less intimate) style mid-way because it’s getting too intense. The advice is, “Don’t give in to the urge to back off when it gets unnerving”. It takes courage to push through initial discomfort – for example, to keep one’s eyes open and maintain eye contact during orgasm, which can be very vulnerable. There’s also caution: your partner might not immediately jump for joy; they could get anxious or defensive when you try to deepen intimacy (that’s their own differentiation limit). Schnarch notes, “Tender loving sex requires grounded responding to your partner’s reactivity... If he gets nervous or threatened, he might overreact or put you down. Tender loving sex involves your Four Points of Balance whether you’re having sex or fighting about it.”. So you need to stay grounded if your bid for deeper connection triggers some momentary conflict – basically, don’t retaliate or retreat permanently; understand it’s part of the growth process.

Outcomes – Rewiring the Brain: Schnarch, being a sex therapist with interest in neuroscience, points out that tender loving sex can “rewire your brain” and change your mind. The profound safety and pleasure combined can heal old wounds and create new neural pathways for intimacy. Many couples find that after developing this kind of sex, their overall relationship satisfaction skyrockets, and paradoxically, they often feel freer to also have “raunchy” or adventurous sex at times because the baseline of trust is so strong. Schnarch even says quickies or wild sex can also be intimate if it’s part of a broad sexual relationship that includes tender connection. The key is variety built on a foundation of knowing you can be fully yourselves together.

He likely encourages integrating tenderness into all sexual encounters: even a playful romp can end with a tender holding; or starting tender then building to fierce passion; or using tenderness after an argument to reconnect. Essentially, tender loving sex is presented as both a healing modality and a peak experience that epitomizes what the book’s been aiming for: sex that fills your soul and bonds you deeply.

Key Takeaways:

• Tender ≠ dull: Tender loving sex is about emotional presence and love during sex, not about doing it slow or vanilla (though it might be slower, that’s incidental). It can be just as thrilling and “hot” as more raw forms of sex, often even more so because your whole selves are involved.

• Meaningful engagement: In tender sex, you let your partner truly see you – you drop defenses, maintain eye contact, share feelings, and show affection freely. This depth of engagement often leads to heightened arousal and satisfaction, linking heart and body.

• Personal growth needed: Such deep intimacy can be challenging. If you struggle with vulnerability or rely on your partner’s validation, you might instinctively resist tender sex. Building your Four Points (solid self, calming yourself, etc.) expands your ability to participate in and enjoy tender loving sex.

• Push through initial discomfort: It’s normal to feel awkward, shy, or scared when shifting to a more tender sexual style, especially if you’re not used to it. Have courage and communicate – the payoff is a profoundly closer and more passionate connection. Don’t retreat at the first sign of discomfort; use your alliance skills to reassure each other and continue.

• Lifelong intimacy booster: Tender loving sex tends to strengthen everything: it can change your brain (reducing fear responses, increasing pleasure pathways), heal relational rifts, and create a secure platform for all kinds of erotic explorations. It epitomizes the book’s theme that great sex and personal growth go hand in hand.

Chapter 14: Blow Your Mind!

Pushing Boundaries with Oral Sex: The final chapter, provocatively titled “Blow Your Mind!”, dives into more explicit and adventurous territory – focusing largely on oral sex as a vehicle for intense intimacy and erotic transformation. Schnarch highlights oral sex (giving and receiving) as a practice that can profoundly alter a couple’s sexual dynamic. He calls it “fabulous for changing your brain with your body and mind” – implying that engaging in oral sex can break entrenched patterns, challenge comfort zones, and literally rewire pleasure and intimacy circuits in the brain. The chapter addresses various taboos, anxieties, and power exchanges involved in oral sex. The playful double meaning of the title (“blow your mind” referencing both an amazing mental experience and the act of oral sex) sets the stage for how these acts can indeed be mind-altering when approached with the right mindset.

People Don’t Fuck with Their Support System: Early on, Schnarch likely discusses a curious observation: “People don’t f**k with their support system.”. By this he means that individuals often hold back their wildest erotic impulses or deepest vulnerabilities with the person they rely on most (their spouse), out of fear of destabilizing the relationship. For instance, someone might have a kinky fantasy or a desire for more intensity but won’t pursue it with their partner, worrying it could freak them out or change how they’re seen. Ironically, this caution can lead to a boring sex life with the spouse, while fantasies or passion are sought solo or in secret. Schnarch encourages couples to understand this dynamic and dare to bring more of their authentic erotic selves into the marriage. Oral sex is one area where this idea plays out: some couples avoid it or keep it perfunctory because it feels very vulnerable or “dirty,” especially with someone they deeply respect or need. Overcoming that hesitation can yield new excitement and closeness.

Oral Sex and Intimacy: The chapter extols oral sex not just as a technique for physical pleasure, but as a profound exchange of trust and intimacy. “Receiving can be a special form of giving,” Schnarch notes. This flips the script: when one partner receives oral sex, they’re actually giving the other partner the gift of trust and the opportunity to pleasure them selflessly. Conversely, giving oral sex is an act of generosity and attunement – truly focusing on your partner’s pleasure. Both roles require letting go of ego and being fully present. Many people have hang-ups here (taste, smell, performance anxiety, body image concerns). Schnarch’s approach is to tackle these head on. For example, he likely advises getting comfortable with each other’s genitals in non-sexual moments (as Appendix B details), like knowing what each other tastes like, discussing preferences openly, and addressing any “yuck” factors with honesty and practical solutions (hygiene, flavored products, etc.).

Techniques + Mindfulness: While previous chapters de-emphasized technique, here Schnarch does provide specific advice on “How to use your mind and body when giving or receiving head.”. This could include tips such as: for the giver – use your hands (like the “lollipop” trick he described in Appendix B to avoid gag reflex), pay attention to your partner’s cues, and above all, enjoy the act rather than doing it mechanically. For the receiver – don’t just lie there; stay mentally present, perhaps maintain eye contact or caress your partner to stay connected. One key idea: “A man may want to ejaculate in his partner’s mouth because stopping and pulling out interrupts the emotional connection, not to mention his orgasm”. So couples are urged to find ways to honor that desire for continuity without violating comfort – whether that’s learning to be okay with it, or agreeing on alternatives (condom, finishing by hand, etc.) that preserve closeness. For cunnilingus, he advises gradual build-up, not overwhelming the clitoris at first, and ensuring the giver is comfortable too (e.g., brushing pubic hair aside, not blowing air inside which is dangerous, etc.). These concrete pointers remove some fear of the unknown and help partners give each other higher pleasure confidently.

Igniting Bedroom Desire: Schnarch promises that embracing these more uninhibited practices can “ignite desire in your bedroom”. The combination of breaking routine, increasing intense stimulation, and showing complete acceptance of each other’s bodies can lead to a quantum leap in passion. This isn’t just about thrills; it’s also about what it symbolizes emotionally: “I love and desire every part of you; nothing about you is off-putting to me; I rejoice in your pleasure.” That message, delivered through action, can be incredibly erotic and bonding. Also, exploring such intimate acts often forces couples to improve their communication (“a little to the left,” “softer,” “keep doing that”), which translates into better overall sexual coordination and understanding.

Overcoming Discomfort (Appendix B link): The chapter likely references Appendix B’s content on overcoming discomfort with oral sex – making sure couples address health (STD tests, using protection if needed to ease worries), hygiene (cleanliness to remove some anxieties about taste/smell), and mental blocks (like stigma or shame from upbringing). By systematically tackling each barrier, nothing remains to impede enjoying what many find to be a deeply erotic form of love-making. Schnarch’s tone encourages being playful and open – once these blocks are removed, couples often find a new sense of sexual freedom.

“Swiss Army Knife” of Sex: He quips, “Oral sex is handier (and more fun) than a Swiss Army knife, and you can use it to... [various outcomes].”. This humorously implies oral sex is a versatile tool: it can be soft and tender, or wild and explosive; it can pleasure one partner or both (69 position); it can be used when intercourse is off the table (during menstrual periods, late pregnancy, etc.), or as foreplay, or a main course. It’s basically a skill set that greatly expands a couple’s sexual menu.

As the concluding chapter, “Blow Your Mind!” likely leaves readers with the sense that marriage doesn’t limit sexual adventure – it can unleash the best sex of your life, including joyful, passionate oral sex and beyond, if you bring everything learned together: trust, communication, personal growth, and a willingness to push past comfort zones into new bliss.

Key Takeaways:

• Unlock new passion with oral sex: Oral sex can intensify intimacy and pleasure tremendously. Overcoming any discomfort or taboo around it often “unlocks” a new level of sexual excitement and closeness.

• All about trust and enthusiasm: Whether giving or receiving, approach oral sex with genuine enthusiasm and complete trust in each other. The receiver gives the gift of vulnerability; the giver gives the gift of focused pleasure – both are acts of love.

• Communicate and adapt: Talk about preferences (pressure, pace, when to stop/start). Use simple techniques to avoid discomfort (e.g., for gag reflex, use your hand to limit depth; for taste issues, use prior tasting or small adjustments like having water nearby). Small tweaks can dramatically improve comfort and enjoyment.

• Embrace the eroticism: Allow yourselves to find oral sex hot and passionate, not “dirty” or embarrassing. Positive mindset is key – frame it as a feast of love. This might mean letting go of negative conditioning and focusing on the erotic pleasure of fully enjoying each other’s bodies.

• Use it creatively: Oral sex is a versatile expression of sexuality. It can sustain intimacy when other sex might not be possible, spice up routine encounters, or fulfill your partner in unique ways. Being skilled and comfortable with it boosts confidence and keeps your sexual connection lively. By integrating everything – emotional alliance, personal growth, and these intimate skills – you truly can “awaken the passion in your relationship,” fulfilling the book’s promise.

Appendix A: Referral Information (Additional Resources)

When and Why to Seek Help: Appendix A provides guidance on finding professional help and further resources for couples who want to go deeper or are struggling to implement changes on their own. Schnarch reminds readers that while his book offers tools for self-improvement, sometimes the help of a skilled therapist is invaluable, especially if your Four Points of Balance are currently weak or if issues are complex. He notes that normal desire problems can still be tough to navigate, and a good therapist can keep you on track, manage high anxiety, and push you to confront things you might avoid.

Choosing the Right Therapist (Differentiation-Based): The appendix emphasizes finding a therapist who aligns with the book’s differentiation-based approach. Schnarch warns that many couples therapists focus only on attachment and “safety” or just teaching communication skills, which might not be enough. He cautions against a blended approach of attachment + differentiation; in his view, therapists who prioritize getting you calm and reassured (“more attached”) before working on growth might actually stall progress. Instead, he advocates for therapists who challenge you and work at a higher intensity – ones who encourage self-confrontation, honesty, and personal responsibility (just as the book does). The advice is: look for a therapist who is more differentiated than you, since they can tolerate and guide you through your anxiety without getting “infected” by it. This might mean interviewing therapists about their approach. Schnarch bluntly says “Nothing in training ensures therapists are more differentiated, or know more about sex, than you”– so you have to judge if they push you appropriately and handle their own issues.

Productively Uncomfortable: A good guideline he gives: “Find someone with whom you feel productively uncomfortable.”. In other words, the right therapist shouldn’t just tell you what you want to hear or make sessions easy. You want to feel a bit challenged (but in a way that inspires you to grow, not in a shaming or alienating way). He differentiates between a “good match” and just being understood: sometimes clients seek a therapist who will “accept” their narrative; instead, you need one who helps you change it by confronting you caringly.

Credentials and Specializations: Appendix A advises verifying that the therapist has legitimate credentials (licensed for couples therapy, etc.) and ideally is a certified sex therapist if you have specific sexual dysfunctions like ED or vaginismus. This ensures they won’t shy away from explicit sexual details and know proper treatment techniques. The appendix might list professional organizations or directories to find such therapists (e.g., ASECT – American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists).

Schnarch’s Programs and Community: The appendix also describes resources that Schnarch’s own institute provides: for example, the Crucible® Intensive Therapy Program – multi-day intensive sessions for couples who need a jump-start; Passionate Marriage® Couples Enrichment Weekends – workshops in major cities for common issues; and Couples Retreats – longer retreat programs for gridlocked couples. These offerings allow people to experience accelerated progress when weekly therapy isn’t moving the needle. Schnarch explains that intensives can help some couples breakthrough issues that would take months or years in standard therapy by compressing the work into a focused timeframe.

He also mentions online resources: Crucible4Points.com (the “Four Points of Balance Community”) – an online support community for people following these concepts, to share experiences and get new materials, and DesireBook.com for speaking events. The community is highlighted as a place where like-minded individuals encourage each other in differentiation and healthy relationships, which can be motivating.

Reassurance with a Push: Overall, Appendix A reassures readers that needing extra help is okay and common, but it urges them to seek effective help, not just any help. Schnarch’s hallmark is combining compassion with a push: hold on to yourself even with a therapist – don’t just “turn yourself over” to them. The therapist is a guide, but you must do the work. If something feels off, trust yourself and perhaps switch therapists rather than give up your own judgment.

In summary, Appendix A is a roadmap for continuing the journey beyond the book: how to pick guides (therapists, workshops) that align with the Crucible approach, and how to remain self-directed even as you seek guidance.

Key Takeaways:

• Professional help can accelerate growth: If you’re stuck or your anxiety is overwhelming, a skilled couples/sex therapist can help navigate tough spots. It’s not a failure to seek help; it often means faster progress.

• Choose differentiation-focused therapy: Look for a therapist who challenges you to grow rather than just soothes you. They should be comfortable talking about sex and pushing you toward honesty and integrity (not just conflict avoidance).

• Gauge by discomfort (the good kind): The right therapist might make you a bit uncomfortable by confronting your excuses or pointing out your role in problems. That’s a sign of productive work – as long as it’s done with respect and expertise.

• Be an active participant: Even in therapy, hold on to yourself. Use your own judgment about what’s helping. A therapist is a guide, not an authority over your life. Stay engaged and don’t expect them to do the work for you.

• Utilize specialized resources: Consider intensive programs or workshops for a jump-start if weekly therapy isn’t enough. And tap into communities or literature (like Schnarch’s websites) where you can learn from others on the same journey. Ongoing education and support can reinforce the changes you’re making in your relationship.

Appendix B: Overcoming Discomfort with Oral Sex

Addressing Common Barriers: Appendix B zeroes in on practical strategies to get past the typical sticking points people have with giving or receiving oral sex. It emphasizes that the goal is not to teach technique per se (Chapter 14 handles many tips), but to remove obstacles like disgust, fear of STDs, gag reflex issues, shame, etc., so couples can fully enjoy oral sex. Schnarch asserts that “most people can get past any and all of these issues if they are motivated” – a hopeful stance that with a bit of effort, no one has to be permanently squicked out by oral sex.

Health and Hygiene: A major concern tackled is safety from STDs. Appendix B advises that if you’re not long-term monogamous, get tested for HIV and STDs together. Knowing you’re both clean will help you relax during oral sexand trust the process (fear of disease can unconsciously inhibit arousal). If status is unknown or one has an infection, it recommends using condoms for fellatio and dental dams for cunnilingus – acknowledging that while barriers reduce sensation, risking health is worse and will psychologically block full enjoyment. For monogamous couples, just having that testing conversation and being sure of each other can reduce a lot of hidden anxiety.

Hygiene-wise, the appendix likely suggests basic cleanliness: showering, using mild tasting soaps (no one likes a mouthful of deodorant soap either), perhaps some grooming if hair is an issue, and overall making sure neither partner feels “grossed out” due to solvable factors. It might mention having water or mints on hand if one dislikes aftertastes, etc. (like the tip in the main text about a glass of water after semen, if not swallowing).

Taste and Smell Desensitization: A standout exercise from Appendix B is the suggestion to deliberately taste each other’s genital fluids outside of sexual context. This means, for example, a woman dips a finger in her vagina and both partners taste it; likewise, after the man ejaculates (maybe from masturbation or intercourse with a condom), they both taste a bit of his semen. This might sound unromantic or odd, but the logic is solid: “There’s no time to deal with negative reactions in the heat of the moment. So although it may seem odd, here’s a logical solution that works: taste each other when you’re not in the middle of having oral sex.”. By doing this calmly, any initial “ew” reactions can be confronted and talked through without the pressure of performing. Over time, you become more accustomed to the natural tastes and smells, so during actual oral sex you’re not distracted or recoiling. This method directly tackles one of the biggest subconscious barriers: fear of bodily fluids. Schnarch also normalizes these tastes: he notes semen is “slightly salty or bitter, egg-white texture, sometimes slight bleach scent” and that people vary in liking it – but dealing with it openly is better than suffering in silence or refusing oral altogether.

He also notes “you won’t like anything you taste if you feel forced”. This reminds couples not to push one another past comfort without consent – better to go slow and make it a joint mission to get comfortable. Also, if a giver senses the receiver is uneasy (or vice versa), pause and talk, so it doesn’t create a lasting aversion.

Gag Reflex Solutions: For those who struggle with deep-throating or gagging during fellatio, Appendix B provides the “hand as stopper” technique. Place a hand around the base of the penis and treat the top like a lollipop – this physically prevents taking too much in and still provides the sensation of fullness for the man. This way the giver can do enthusiastic oral without fear of choking. It also mentions options for ejaculation: using an unlubricated condom to avoid contact with semen, or finishing with a handjob, or if okay with semen in mouth but not swallowing, just let it dribble out and have a towel ready. These are practical compromises that preserve the emotional flow of the act (he doesn’t feel abruptly cut off, she doesn’t feel disrespected) while respecting boundaries. Importantly, Schnarch adds: if a guy “needs his partner to swallow to feel accepted, he needs to deal with his reflected sense of self” – meaning men too must not equate a partner’s personal limits with rejection.

For cunnilingus, he gives tips like brushing pubic hair aside to avoid stray hairs causing discomfort to the giver, starting slow with outer areas then moving to clit to avoid overwhelming the receiver, and definitely no blowing air into the vagina (risk of air embolism). Emphasis on reading her signals, as some women love direct clitoral stimulation once aroused, others find too much too soon irritating.

Practice Makes Perfect: Appendix B closes by encouraging that regular, low-pressure practice is key. “If you’re new to oral sex, practice makes a big difference. You need lots of repetition beyond mechanics. It takes collaboration to be at peace in high arousal meaningful encounters. Repetitive progressive engagement works better than occasional high-pressure ‘do or die’ efforts.”. In short, couples should incorporate oral sex into their routine more frequently and gradually intensify, rather than treating it as a rare, high-stakes event (“It’s your birthday, I’ll do this…” scenario). The more it becomes a normal, shared pleasure, the less anxiety and the more skillful and comfortable both become.

Key Takeaways:

• Deal with the “yuck” factors outside the moment: If taste, smell, or gag reflex issues impede oral sex enjoyment, address them when you’re not in the act. Sample each other’s fluids, talk about what’s off-putting, and find solutions (water, mints, different diet perhaps) without sexual pressure.

• Ensure safety and cleanliness: Get STD tests if there’s any doubt. Use protection like condoms/dental dams if needed. Shower or freshen up so both partners feel clean – it’s a simple step that boosts confidence.

• Small hacks for big relief: Use your hand as a depth limiter during fellatio to prevent gagging. Have a towel handy or agree on alternative finish to ease anxiety about swallowing. For cunnilingus, start gently and avoid common mistakes (like blowing air).

• Communicate boundaries and meanings: If one partner equates a specific act (like swallowing) with “you love me,” discuss it. Don’t pressure or guilt-trip; instead, work on comfort and understanding. Both should aim to be generous, but also respect hard limits – mutual empathy goes a long way.

• Keep practicing and collaborating: Make oral sex a regular, enjoyable part of intimacy, not a rare performance. The more you do it in a spirit of play and love, the more natural and pleasurable it becomes. Over time, what once caused discomfort can become second nature, greatly enriching your sexual repertoire and connection.