Differences
in Sexual Desire

Every relationship has a higher-desire partner and a lower-desire partner. The root issue often isn't about sex at all, it’s about emotional immaturity and the inability to self-soothe. Most of us use our relationships (and sex) as an emotional crutch, creating emotional dependency that kills desire.

Traditional sex therapy focuses on “fixing” the lower-desire partner. Crucible therapy helps both partners address shortcomings in the way they approach sexual desire. Is the higher-desire partner using sex as a way to get validation? Is the lower-desire partner using sexual rejection as a way to create a false sense of self?

When you're not using your partner as an emotional pacifier, desire has room to grow. When you start to resolve deeper relationship problems, patterns of sexual rejection, resentment, and frustration tend to disappear. If you’ve been married for a long time, you can still have the best sex of your life — the heights of eroticism are more attainable in long-term committed relationships than in one-night stands.

The end goal isn't a perfect match in desire levels. It's creating a relationship dynamic where both partners can be fully themselves while maintaining a deep connection. You’ve probably heard that constraints breed creativity, and the same is true in relationships. Desire gaps, when approached with curiosity and creativity, can be the constraint that pushes you to new levels of intimacy and personal growth.

I help couples overcome differences in sexual desire by understanding what is really going on in the relationship — the difference in desire isn’t the root problem, it’s just one place where serious relationship problems tend to show up.