Book Summary: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
If you're sitting in a therapy office wondering why your relationship feels like a constant battle for control—or if you're supporting someone who is—this book offers something rare: a clear-eyed, compassionate explanation of what's actually happening behind closed doors. Lundy Bancroft spent decades working with abusive men in counseling programs, and he brings that hard-won expertise to help you understand patterns that might otherwise feel completely baffling.
The central premise might surprise you: abusive men aren't out of control. They're not driven by unmanageable anger or mental illness that excuses their behavior. Instead, Bancroft reveals that abuse stems from a specific worldview—one built on entitlement, control, and a fundamental belief that they have the right to dominate their partners. Understanding this distinction changes everything about how you respond to abuse, whether you're living it, treating it, or helping someone escape it.
This book is essential reading for therapists, partners in abusive relationships, family members trying to understand what's happening, and anyone committed to creating healthier relationship dynamics. As your couples counselor, I want you to have access to this foundational knowledge that can transform how you understand what's really going on.
Part One: The Mythology of Abusive Men
Why "He Just Lost Control" Misses the Mark
One of the most damaging myths about abusive men is that they're controlled by their emotions—that rage simply overtakes them and they can't help what happens next. If only this were true. If abusive men were genuinely out of control, they'd behave the same way in all contexts: with their boss, with police officers, with strangers in public. But they don't.
Here's what actually happens: an abusive man carefully calibrates his behavior based on his audience and the consequences he might face. He might explode at his partner at home, but remain calm and charming at work. He might rage at his wife over a cold dinner, then compose himself the moment someone knocks on the door. This selective expression reveals the truth—his behavior is a choice, not an involuntary eruption.
Bancroft explains that when abusive men claim "I just lost it" or "I don't know what came over me," they're often accurately describing their emotional experience—but that experience comes after the behavior choice. The abusive man decides to yell, to control, to intimidate. Then, as a result of that decision, he feels the emotional intensity he describes. His feelings don't cause the abuse; his abuse generates the feelings he then blames.
This distinction is crucial for your therapy work. When you help clients understand that abuse is chosen behavior—not a symptom of temporary insanity—it opens the door to real accountability and change.
The Role Model Nobody Talks About
Abusive men often came from families where they witnessed male dominance and control. They saw fathers, uncles, or other male figures using aggression to get what they wanted, and they learned that this was how men operated. Some abusive men had fathers who were overtly violent; others had fathers who used more subtle forms of control and manipulation.
What's important to recognize is that witnessing abuse in childhood doesn't automatically create abusers. Many men who grow up in violent homes choose a different path. But for those who become abusive, family history provides the blueprint and the permission structure they needed.
Part Two: The Abusive Mindset
Entitlement: The Core of the Problem
At the heart of every abuser's worldview lies a sense of entitlement. He believes he deserves special treatment. He believes his needs, desires, and comfort should come before everyone else's. He believes he has the right to make the rules, to be obeyed, and to be protected from the consequences of his choices.
This entitlement isn't something he learned yesterday. It's a deeply held belief system that shapes how he interprets everything his partner does. When she wants to spend time with her friend, he hears "you don't matter." When she disagrees with him, he experiences it as disrespect. When she has her own needs or boundaries, he sees it as selfishness.
Bancroft identifies that this entitled worldview means the abuser experiences his partner's very existence as a slight against him. Her autonomy threatens his sense of control. Her happiness matters less than his comfort. Her safety matters less than maintaining his power.
Control: The Real Goal
Abuse isn't actually about anger management or lost temper—it's about control. The abuser wants dominion over his partner's thoughts, feelings, behavior, choices, and future. He uses various tactics—intimidation, isolation, financial control, threats, constant criticism—all in service of the same goal: keeping her dependent, compliant, and contained.
Understanding that control is the objective helps explain why abusive men often don't change when their partners comply. If the goal were simply peace and quiet, giving in would work. But compliance only temporarily satisfies the abuser's need for control because his need is insatiable. He'll find something else to criticize, another way to reassert dominance, another boundary to violate.
This is why leaving is often the moment of highest danger. When a partner tries to regain control over her own life by leaving, the abuser may escalate dramatically because she's challenging his fundamental worldview—that he owns her, that she belongs to him, that her function is to serve his needs.
Part Three: The Types of Abusive Men
Bancroft identifies that abusive men don't all operate the same way, though they share that core commitment to control and entitlement. Recognizing these patterns can help you identify what's actually happening in a relationship.
The Demand Man
The Demand Man makes constant requests and criticisms. His partner can never do enough, be enough, or try hard enough. He demands obedience in small things—what she wears, when she can leave the house, what she cooks—and these small demands aggregate into total control. He doesn't necessarily rage, but he's relentless. The exhaustion of never meeting his standards is the weapon.
Mr. Right
This abuser is convinced of his own superiority and correctness. He lectures his partner, corrects her, explains why she's wrong about everything from politics to her own feelings. He frames his control as education or improvement. He's helping her be better, think better, live better—or so he claims. His partner often feels stupid and undermined, though Mr. Right would be shocked to hear this description. In his mind, he's the patient teacher; she's the stubborn student.
The Water Torturer
Relentless, steady, and seemingly minor—the Water Torturer's abuse accumulates like drops of water wearing away stone. A constant stream of subtle put-downs, eye rolls, sarcastic comments, and dismissals that wear his partner down over time. The abuse is easy to dismiss individually ("oh, he was just joking"), but collectively, it's devastatingly effective. His partner feels eroded, never quite knowing if he was actually insulting her or if she's being oversensitive.
The Drill Sergeant
This abuser runs the household like a military operation. Rules, schedules, procedures, inspections. Everything must be done his way. He criticizes how his partner loads the dishwasher, folds the clothes, manages the children. The home is run according to his specifications, and deviation is met with anger or cold distance. His partner lives in a state of hypervigilance, trying to anticipate his demands and avoid his criticism.
Mr. Sensitive
Perhaps the most dangerous in some ways, Mr. Sensitive uses emotional manipulation as his primary tool. He cries, he's wounded by her behavior, he needs her comfort and reassurance. He positions himself as the victim, and she becomes responsible for managing his emotional state. He may claim he's reformed, that he's "doing his work," while still controlling her. He weaponizes vulnerability and therapy language to maintain control while appearing enlightened.
The Player
This abuser maintains a public persona of charm and confidence while privately controlling his partner. He may have affairs or flirt openly, which serves multiple functions: it undermines her self-esteem, it proves he has options, and it keeps her focused on trying to win him back. He's often financially controlling, and he may minimize the importance of his infidelity by claiming it "doesn't mean anything" or that she's insecure for caring.
Rambo
Rambo is aggressive and sometimes violent. He may punch walls, throw things, or be physically intimidating. His threats of violence are explicit or implicit. His partner lives in fear, never knowing when he'll escalate. He often believes violence proves his strength and dominance, and he may not see it as a problem because he frames it as a natural response to his partner's provocations.
The Victim
This abuser tells a story where he's the one being wronged. His partner doesn't understand him, she's controlling him, she's keeping him from his dreams. He positions himself as suffering, and his abusive behavior becomes, in his narrative, a justified response to her mistreatment of him. His partner often feels guilty and responsible for his unhappiness.
The Terrorist
Capable of escalating to extreme violence or making explicit threats, the Terrorist creates an environment of fear and unpredictability. He may threaten suicide, threats against the children, or explicit violence. His partner lives with the knowledge that he's capable of serious harm. This is the most dangerous profile, and these situations often require immediate safety planning and professional intervention.
The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser
While substance abuse and mental illness can complicate abuse dynamics, they don't cause abuse—and they don't excuse it. A man with untreated depression or addiction might have additional reasons for his behavior, but he's still making choices about how to treat his partner. Treating the addiction or mental illness may reduce some problematic behavior, but it doesn't automatically address the abuser's sense of entitlement and control.
Part Four: Early Warning Signs
What to Notice Before Things Get Worse
Bancroft emphasizes that abuse rarely begins with the most dramatic behaviors. It typically escalates gradually, which is why recognizing early warning signs matters so much. If you're working with couples where one partner is beginning to show controlling behaviors, early intervention can prevent the situation from worsening.
Early warning signs include: excessive criticism that feels constant, controlling behavior around money or other resources, isolation from friends and family, constant monitoring or checking up, unpredictable mood swings that keep the partner walking on eggshells, aggressive or threatening language, and dismissal of the partner's feelings, thoughts, or experiences.
A particularly important early sign is what Bancroft calls "disrespectful thinking"—the belief that his needs matter more than hers, that her autonomy is negotiable, that she exists to serve his purposes. If you catch this worldview in early-stage relationships, addressing it directly can prevent the situation from progressing into full-blown abuse.
Part Five: The Cycle of Abuse
Tension, Incident, Reconciliation, Calm
Bancroft describes the cycle that keeps partners trapped: tension builds, an incident occurs (yelling, physical violence, extreme control), followed by reconciliation where the abuser is apologetic or loving, followed by a calm period—until the cycle begins again.
What makes this cycle so trapping is that it mimics a normal relationship's ups and downs. Partners often interpret the calm period as proof that "it's not that bad" or that the abuser is "really changing." But the cycle is actually a feature of the abuse system, not evidence that the situation is improving.
The reconciliation phase is particularly important to understand. The abuser may be genuinely charming and loving during this period. He may make promises to change, express remorse, or be sexually attentive. This creates hope that change is possible—hope that keeps the partner invested in the relationship and believing that "if only" she does something different, the good version of him will stay permanently.
Over time, the calm periods get shorter, the incidents become more severe, and the tension becomes the baseline. The abused partner adapts by becoming hypervigilant, trying harder to manage his moods and prevent incidents—which, of course, doesn't work because the abuse isn't actually about her behavior.
Part Six: The Impact on Children
When Kids Witness Control and Intimidation
Whether or not children are directly abused, witnessing the abuse of a parent causes profound harm. Children internalize the message that relationships are about domination and fear. Sons learn that this is how men operate; daughters learn to accept being controlled and disrespected.
Abusive men often use their children as tools of control—threatening custody, forcing children to take sides, using them to monitor the mother's behavior. Children become entangled in the abuse dynamic, sometimes trying to mediate, sometimes choosing loyalty to the abuser, sometimes developing anxiety or behavioral problems in response to the tension and fear in the home.
As therapists, we see the long-term impact of this witnessing: difficulty forming healthy relationships, tolerance for poor treatment, or patterns of abusive behavior themselves. Understanding that children are being harmed—even if they're not being hit—helps partners recognize the urgency of their own safety and freedom.
Part Seven: Why Women Stay (And Why They Leave)
The Complex Reality of Staying
It's one of the most frustrating questions people ask of abuse survivors: "Why did you stay?" The question itself reflects a misunderstanding of what traps women in abusive relationships.
Women stay because they love their partners and hope change is possible. They stay because they're isolated and don't have outside support systems. They stay because they have no money and no place to go. They stay because they're afraid—of the abuser, of poverty, of the custody battles that often follow leaving. They stay because they're ashamed, because they blame themselves, because they don't want to break up their family. They stay because their religious beliefs make them believe they should work harder to make the marriage work.
Most importantly, women stay because leaving an abusive relationship is the moment of highest danger. Statistically, the risk of severe injury or death increases dramatically when a woman tries to leave. The abuser's sense of ownership and control becomes most dangerous precisely when she tries to reclaim her own life.
What Drives the Decision to Leave
Women leave when the pain of staying exceeds their fear of leaving. They leave when they recognize the impact on their children. They leave when they find outside support and begin to believe life could be different. They leave when they access therapy, domestic violence resources, or connect with other survivors and realize their situation is not normal and not their fault.
The decision to leave is often not a single moment but a slow accumulation of realizations. Many women leave and return multiple times before they finally leave for good. This isn't weakness; it's the realistic response to an extraordinarily difficult and dangerous situation.
Part Eight: Can Abusive Men Change?
The Hard Truth About Transformation
This is the question everyone wants answered, and Bancroft doesn't offer false hope. Some abusive men can change, but the change is rare, and it requires genuine work and a willingness to examine and transform their core beliefs about entitlement, control, and their relationship to power.
The abusive man who can change is one who: acknowledges that his behavior is abuse (not her fault, not provoked), takes full responsibility without excuses, recognizes his sense of entitlement, and is willing to examine his beliefs about masculinity, power, and relationship. He has to be willing to be uncomfortable, to feel his powerlessness, to grieve the worldview that's been serving him.
This is exceptionally difficult work, and most abusive men don't complete it. Some participate in counseling as a way to convince their partner they're changing, while their actual behavior doesn't shift. Some become more sophisticated in their control tactics while appearing to the therapist that they're making progress. Some drop out of counseling when they realize it requires genuine change.
As therapists, we need to be cautious about false hope and premature termination of counseling with victims. Partners deserve to know that true change is possible but rare, and that their safety shouldn't depend on waiting for change that may never come.
Part Nine: Getting Free and Staying Free
The Practical and Emotional Work of Leaving
Leaving an abusive relationship requires both practical planning and emotional preparation. Women need safety plans, access to resources, legal support, and a support system that will sustain them through the process and the aftermath.
Bancroft emphasizes that staying free means building a life where you don't need the abuser, where you're financially independent, where you have your own support network and sense of identity separate from the relationship. It means recognizing the trauma responses that abuse has created—like hypervigilance or a tendency to attract similar partners—and working through them with professional support.
Many abuse survivors struggle with the grief and guilt that follows leaving. They grieve the person they hoped he would be, even though they intellectually know he was never going to be that person. They feel guilty for "breaking up the family" and sometimes for "not trying hard enough." They may experience trauma bonding, where despite knowing the relationship was abusive, they have persistent feelings of connection or desire to return.
Codependent No More offers valuable insight into these relationship patterns and how to build healthier boundaries. If you're working with partners who are trying to establish independence after an abusive relationship, that book provides practical strategies for recognizing enmeshment and reclaiming your own identity.
Building a Life Free of Control
Freedom isn't just about leaving the abuser; it's about building a life where you trust yourself again, where you can make decisions without fear or second-guessing, where you can have relationships based on mutuality instead of control.
This often requires significant therapeutic work. The Body Keeps the Score explores how trauma from abusive relationships is stored in the nervous system and offers approaches to processing and healing from that trauma. Healing isn't linear—survivors often have setbacks, moments of doubt, or triggers that bring back the intensity of the abuse experience.
Building a new life also means addressing the ways abuse has affected self-concept. Many abuse survivors have internalized their abuser's criticisms, have lost touch with their own preferences and desires, or have developed mental health issues like depression or anxiety in response to the abuse. Therapeutic work can help restore sense of self and build confidence in one's own judgment again.
Part Ten: Key Takeaways for Therapists and Partners
What This Book Teaches Us About Abuse and Change
Abuse is about control, not anger. Understanding this changes how we respond to claims of "losing it" or "not knowing what came over me." The abuser's behavior is chosen, even if the emotional intensity is real.
Abusive men's entitlement is the core issue. Their belief that they deserve dominance and that their partner exists to serve them drives all the behavior. Without addressing this worldview, surface-level behavior change won't stick.
Abuse isn't random or unpredictable. It follows patterns, and recognizing these patterns helps both survivors and therapists understand what's actually happening and how to intervene.
Early warning signs matter significantly. Disrespect, criticism, control, and isolation often come before more severe abuse. Early intervention can prevent escalation.
Leaving is the most dangerous time. Partners need to understand that attempting to leave an abusive relationship escalates risk. Safety planning is essential, not optional.
Change is rare but not impossible. Some abusive men can change, but it requires genuine acknowledgment of abuse, full responsibility, and willingness to transform their worldview. Most don't complete this work.
Victims are not responsible for change. Partners should never be pressured to stay and "help" the abuser change, or to believe that the right love/patience/effort will transform him.
Children are harmed by witnessing abuse. Even without direct violence, witnessing control and intimidation causes trauma and shapes how children understand relationships.
The cycle of abuse explains why leaving is so hard. Reconciliation periods create hope that keeps partners trapped in the cycle. Understanding this cycle helps partners recognize they're not being irrational.
Healing requires both safety and support. Leaving is the first step, but rebuilding a life free of control, processing trauma, and restoring sense of self requires ongoing support and often professional therapeutic work.
Therapy with couples where abuse is present can be dangerous. Without careful assessment and safety planning, couples counseling can give the abuser more tools to control his partner. Individual therapy for the victim and accountability-focused work for the abuser (if engaged) is often safer.
You are not responsible for his behavior. Perhaps the most important message for anyone affected by abuse: his choices are his, his anger is his, his control is his. Your job is to ensure your safety and begin your healing.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
If you're reading this because you recognize patterns of control and abuse in your relationship, or if you're supporting someone who is, please know that healing is possible. As your couples therapist, my role is to help you understand what's actually happening, to support your safety, and to help you make decisions that serve your wellbeing—whether that's working toward change in the relationship or planning a safe departure.
Therapy isn't about forcing reconciliation or minimizing what's happened. It's about clarity, safety, and your ability to make choices that honor your needs and protect your future. If you're noticing controlling patterns in your relationship, that's actually a gift of awareness. That awareness gives you the opportunity to intervene early, to set boundaries, and to either work toward genuine change or to protect yourself by leaving.
If you're in an abusive relationship and need immediate support, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Their trained advocates can help you safety plan, think through your options, and connect you with local resources. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and in your own relationship.
I'm here to support you in understanding your situation more clearly and in making choices that protect your wellbeing. Whether you're at the beginning of recognizing abuse or in the midst of healing from it, therapy can provide the space to process your experience, rebuild your sense of self, and create a life based on mutual respect and authentic connection.
Your safety matters. Your voice matters. You deserve a relationship where you're valued, respected, and free to be yourself.
