Book Summary: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
If you're feeling drained, resentful, or trapped in patterns that don't serve you—whether with your partner, family, or friends—you're not alone. Many people walk through life saying "yes" when they mean "no," prioritizing others' needs while their own go unmet. This is where Nedra Glover Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace becomes a lifeline. This book is a practical, compassionate guide that teaches you how to identify what you need, communicate it clearly, and protect your peace without guilt or apology.
As a couples therapist, you likely recognize that boundary issues are at the heart of many relationship conflicts. Partners struggle with what they're willing to tolerate, resentment builds over unspoken expectations, and couples get stuck in power struggles that could be prevented with clearer boundaries. This book addresses those exact dynamics. Tawwab, an experienced therapist and social worker, draws from real patient stories and cognitive behavioral therapy principles to show you how boundaries aren't selfish—they're essential.
Whether you're recommending this to clients working on their marriage, using it to strengthen your own relationships, or simply wanting to understand why boundary-setting matters so much, this summary will give you a solid foundation in the concepts and practical strategies that make this book so valuable for couples and families.
Part 1: Understanding Boundaries
What Are Boundaries, Really?
At its heart, a boundary is a limit you set on how others can treat you. Boundaries define roles, expectations, and acceptable behaviors in all your relationships. They're not walls that keep people out—they're more like healthy fences that let people in while protecting what matters most to you. When you have clear boundaries, people know what to expect from you and what you expect from them.
Think about a married couple where one partner constantly makes financial decisions without consulting the other. There's no boundary around money or decision-making authority. Or consider when a spouse regularly shares details about their marriage with their parent, and the parent weighs in with criticism. That's a boundary violation around emotional privacy and loyalty.
The beautiful thing about boundaries is that they actually improve your relationships. When you're clear about what you need, people can meet those needs. When you're honest about what you won't tolerate, there's less room for confusion and resentment to build. In your couples therapy practice, you've probably noticed that the healthiest relationships have partners who can both ask for what they need and respect each other's limits. That's the foundation Tawwab is building in this book.
Why Boundaries Matter in Relationships
People often resist setting boundaries because they've learned—sometimes from childhood, sometimes from cultural messages, sometimes from painful relationship patterns—that their needs come last. Women especially are often socialized to be accommodating, while men might be taught that setting boundaries is weakness. But here's the truth that clients often discover in therapy: when you don't have boundaries, you eventually hit a breaking point.
In marriage, unclear boundaries lead to resentment, emotional distance, and power struggles. A partner who never says no might eventually explode in anger over something small. A spouse who doesn't protect their personal time might feel invisible and unheard. A couple who doesn't agree on boundaries around extended family involvement often finds themselves at odds when a parent oversteps. The absence of boundaries doesn't create harmony—it creates confusion about roles, expectations, and respect.
Tawwab emphasizes that boundaries are directly connected to self-care, emotional health, and relationship satisfaction. When you set boundaries, you're saying: "I matter. My needs count. I respect myself and I expect to be respected." That's powerful. And when both partners in a relationship can do this, the relationship becomes safer, more honest, and more intimate.
The Six Types of Boundaries
Tawwab identifies six distinct types of boundaries, each important in different ways. Understanding these categories helps you pinpoint where you might be struggling and where your partner might be crossing lines.
Physical Boundaries involve your body and personal space. This includes who can touch you, how close people can stand, your comfort with hugging or holding hands, and your autonomy over your own body. In marriage, this might show up as a spouse who wants physical affection on demand without reading their partner's interest level, or a partner who feels uncomfortable with the way their spouse touches them in public. A healthy physical boundary respects consent and comfort levels. If you've read our summary of Hold Me Tight, you know that safe touch is central to secure attachment—and that requires respecting physical boundaries.
Sexual Boundaries deserve their own category because intimacy is so significant in marriage. This includes your comfort level with sexual activity, frequency, types of touch, and what feels acceptable to you. Many couples struggle here because they never explicitly discuss what they both want and need. One partner might expect sexual availability as part of marriage without recognizing that their spouse has the right to say no. A healthy sexual boundary means both partners feel safe saying yes and no, both feel heard about their preferences, and both can voice concerns without shame.
Intellectual Boundaries relate to your thoughts, ideas, and values. This is about the freedom to think your own thoughts, hold your own beliefs, and express your perspective without being judged, interrupted, or corrected. In couples therapy, you see this when one partner constantly dismisses the other's ideas, when someone is made to feel stupid for their viewpoint, or when a spouse doesn't allow their partner to disagree. A healthy intellectual boundary means you can have different political views, different parenting philosophies, or different life goals and still respect each other.
Emotional Boundaries might be the most relevant to your couples work. These boundaries protect your emotional well-being and prevent you from taking on someone else's emotions. An emotional boundary means you can listen to your partner without absorbing their anxiety, disappointment, or anger. It means your partner's bad mood isn't your responsibility to fix. It means you don't expect your spouse to be your therapist or your primary source of emotional support for every struggle. When emotional boundaries are blurred, partners can become enmeshed, codependent, or emotionally exhausted. If you're working with clients on codependency patterns, Codependent No More explores this terrain deeply, and Tawwab's work on emotional boundaries complements that beautifully.
Material Boundaries involve your possessions, money, and resources. Who has access to your accounts? Can your spouse spend money without discussing it with you? Who owns what? Who pays for what? These might seem like practical questions, but they're deeply emotional. Money and possessions often represent security, power, and autonomy. Many marriage conflicts stem from unclear material boundaries—one partner feels controlled because the other monitors spending, or one partner feels taken advantage of because the other is financially irresponsible.
Time Boundaries protect your schedule, your energy, and your availability. This includes how much time you spend with your partner versus alone or with friends, how you handle work-life balance, and how you manage commitments. A time boundary might look like: "I need one evening a week to myself" or "I won't check work email after 8 PM." In marriage, time boundaries get tested when partners want different amounts of togetherness, when extended family makes constant demands, or when one person's career takes priority over couple time.
Part 2: Boundary Violations and Why They Happen
Signs You Have Weak or Missing Boundaries
Before you can strengthen boundaries, you need to recognize when they're missing. Tawwab describes several warning signs that your boundaries need attention. Do you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no? Do you often feel resentful about things you've agreed to? Do you struggle to express your needs? Do you feel responsible for other people's emotions or happiness? These are all signs of boundary issues.
In your marriage, weak boundaries might show up as constant arguments about the same issues without resolution. You might feel that your partner doesn't listen to your needs or respect your opinions. You might notice that you're always accommodating, always adjusting, always trying to keep the peace—at the cost of your own well-being. Perhaps you find yourself explaining and defending your decisions repeatedly, which is exhausting. Or maybe you feel invisible—like your partner doesn't really know what you want or need because you haven't clearly stated it, or you've tried to state it but feel dismissed.
Another sign is emotional depletion. When you don't have boundaries, you absorb everyone's stress, worry, and drama. A spouse might tell you everything that's wrong in their day, expecting you to problem-solve or validate every feeling. Over time, you feel drained. You might even start avoiding your partner or checking out of the relationship emotionally. That emotional distance often looks like coldness or disconnection, but it's frequently a protective response to exhaustion.
Why People Cross Boundaries
Understanding why people violate boundaries—including understanding what drives you to do it—is crucial. Tawwab emphasizes that boundary violations often come from learned patterns, not malice. Your spouse might cross your boundaries because that's what they saw modeled in their family of origin. A partner who grew up with invasive parents might become invasive themselves without realizing it. Someone whose own needs were always ignored might struggle to recognize when they're ignoring their partner's needs.
People also cross boundaries because the person whose boundaries are being crossed hasn't been clear. If you've never explicitly said "I need privacy in this area" or "I don't want you making plans for me without asking," your partner might genuinely not know it matters. They might assume they're helping. They might believe togetherness means not having secrets or separate interests. Fear also drives boundary violations—someone might hover over finances because they're anxious about security, or might constantly check in because they're insecure about the relationship.
Sometimes boundary violations happen because one partner has more power—financial, emotional, social, or positional power—and uses it unconsciously or consciously to override the other's boundaries. A high-income earner might make unilateral financial decisions. A partner with more emotional expressiveness might steamroll a quieter partner's preferences. Understanding the power dynamics in your relationship is essential to understanding where boundaries break down.
Boundary Violations in Family Dynamics
One of the most important insights Tawwab offers is that boundary problems rarely start in your marriage—they start in your family of origin. The way your parents handled boundaries, the way your family treated personal space and autonomy, the way emotions were (or weren't) respected in your childhood—all of this shaped your boundary beliefs.
Someone raised in a enmeshed family—where there weren't clear separations between family members' thoughts, feelings, and lives—might struggle to maintain boundaries in marriage. They might expect their spouse to be completely merged with them, to always know what they're thinking, to feel responsible for their happiness. Or they might swing the other way, becoming distant to protect themselves.
Family boundary violations often carry into marriage in the form of "but that's what we've always done" resistance. One partner might want to spend every holiday with their family, without considering their spouse's needs or preferences. A parent might give unsolicited advice about the couple's finances or parenting. A sibling might call at all hours expecting immediate attention. These patterns were normalized in your family, so you assume they're normal—until your partner pushes back, and then you're confused about why they're making such a big deal.
Tawwab's insight here is powerful: you can't have a healthy marriage if you haven't individuated from your family. This means being able to make your own decisions, maintain your own beliefs, and prioritize your marriage partnership as a primary relationship. That doesn't mean abandoning your family—it means establishing healthy boundaries with them so your marriage has space to thrive.
Part 3: Setting Boundaries—Practical Steps
How to Identify Your Boundaries
Before you can set a boundary, you need to know what you actually need. This sounds simple, but for many people it's the hardest step. You might have spent so long prioritizing others' needs that you've lost touch with your own. Tawwab suggests getting honest with yourself about what drains you, what makes you resentful, what feels disrespectful, and what you need to feel safe, valued, and at peace.
In your marriage, this might mean journaling about moments when you felt angry or hurt, then identifying what boundary was crossed. Did your spouse make a commitment that affected you both without asking your input? That's an intellectual boundary violation. Did they criticize your body or pressure you sexually? That's a physical or sexual boundary violation. Did they spend money you'd agreed to save, or give away something that belonged to both of you? That's a material boundary issue. The pattern will emerge as you reflect.
You can also identify your boundaries by thinking about your non-negotiables. What absolutely cannot happen in your marriage and have you remain? What do you need to feel respected? What makes you feel safe and cared for? These aren't selfish questions—they're essential ones. Getting clear on your own boundaries is the foundation for communicating them to your partner.
Communicating Boundaries Clearly
Once you've identified a boundary you need to set, the next step is communicating it. Tawwab emphasizes that clarity matters far more than kindness at this stage. You need to be direct, specific, and unapologetic. Many people soften their boundaries so much that they become invisible. They say things like "It kind of bothers me when you..." or "I'm not sure if this is a big deal but..." These hedged statements undermine your own message.
A clearer boundary sounds like: "I need us to discuss major financial decisions together before acting on them" or "I'm not comfortable with you discussing our marriage with your mother" or "I need time alone on Sunday mornings." Notice how these statements are specific, about behavior (not character), and stated as a need or expectation.
Timing matters too. Have this conversation when you're both calm and have time to talk. Don't spring a boundary in the middle of an argument or when someone's about to leave for work. Make it a real conversation, not an accusation. You might say: "I want to talk about something that's been on my mind, and I'm hoping we can hear each other about this."
Many people expect their partner to receive a boundary-setting conversation with appreciation. Instead, they face pushback, defensiveness, or dismissal. This is normal. Your partner might feel accused, controlled, or criticized. They might argue that the boundary is unreasonable. They might promise to change and then slip back into old patterns. This is where many people give up—they tried, their partner resisted, so they go back to silence. But Tawwab argues that boundaries require consistency. You set it once, reinforce it repeatedly, and hold it with calm consistency.
Dealing with Pushback and Resistance
When you set a boundary, expect resistance. Your partner has been operating under the old rules, and changing those rules requires them to shift. A spouse who's used to financial control might feel threatened by a boundary around shared decision-making. A partner who's been confiding everything to their mother might feel their loyalty is being questioned. A person who expects sexual availability might feel rejected. These emotional reactions are real, but they don't invalidate your boundary.
Tawwab's guidance here is to stay calm and consistent. Don't argue about whether your boundary is reasonable—that's inviting endless debate. Instead, repeat your boundary in a calm, respectful tone: "I understand you're upset. This is still what I need." If your partner continues to violate the boundary, there are consequences. Maybe you stop joining family events where your privacy isn't respected. Maybe you make your own financial decisions separately. Maybe you schedule couples therapy to work through this together.
The goal isn't to punish your partner—it's to make clear that the boundary is real. You're not threatening to leave the marriage; you're saying "I won't subject myself to treatment that doesn't respect my needs." That's actually a statement of self-respect, not rejection of the relationship.
Self-Care and Boundaries Are Interconnected
Tawwab emphasizes that boundary-setting is a form of self-care. When you set boundaries, you're valuing yourself. When you maintain them, you're proving to yourself that you matter. When you recover from boundary violations, you're protecting your peace.
In marriage, this means taking care of your own emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. It means saying no to things that deplete you so you have energy for what nourishes you. It means protecting your sleep, your health, your friendships, and your individual identity. Couples who both practice self-care tend to have healthier relationships because neither partner is completely dependent on the other for their well-being.
This is where the work gets really practical. Maybe your boundary is "I need eight hours of sleep and I can't stay up late arguing." So you close the conversation, go to bed, and come back to it when you're both rested. Maybe your boundary is "I need exercise three times a week to feel emotionally stable." So you protect that time from your spouse's requests for togetherness. Maybe your boundary is "I need my close friendships to stay strong." So you keep those relationships active and separate from your marriage.
When you take care of yourself, you have more to give your partner. You're not resentful. You're not depleted. You're able to show up as your best self, which actually strengthens the relationship. This is the paradox that makes many people uncomfortable: boundaries don't damage relationships that are worth saving—they save relationships.
Boundaries and Different Attachment Styles
While Tawwab doesn't focus specifically on attachment theory, boundary issues are deeply connected to how people were attached in childhood. Someone with an anxious attachment style might struggle with material boundaries because they equate togetherness with merger. A person with an avoidant attachment style might use boundaries as a way to create distance and avoid intimacy. Understanding your and your partner's attachment patterns can help you both recognize boundary issues without taking them personally.
For deeper exploration of how attachment shapes relationship dynamics, resources like Attached offer valuable context. But Tawwab's practical approach to boundaries works regardless of your attachment style—the skill is learning to meet your own needs while respecting your partner's, which every couple needs.
Key Takeaways
Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships. They clarify expectations, prevent resentment, and create safety. Without them, relationships become confused power struggles where needs go unmet.
There are six types of boundaries to consider: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time. Each matters, and each shows up differently in your marriage.
Boundary problems usually start in your family of origin. The way your parents handled autonomy, privacy, and respect shapes how you handle these things in your marriage. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to changing them.
You cannot set boundaries without knowing what you actually need. Spend time identifying your non-negotiables, your triggers, and what makes you feel disrespected. Clarity is essential.
Boundaries must be communicated clearly and without apology. Hedging, over-explaining, or softening your boundary weakens it. Be direct: "This is what I need" rather than "Would you mind if..."
Expect pushback when you set boundaries. Your partner may feel threatened, accused, or controlled. This is normal and doesn't mean your boundary is wrong. Stay calm and consistent.
Weak boundaries often mask deeper codependency patterns. If you find yourself unable to set any boundaries, constantly prioritizing others' needs, or feeling responsible for your partner's emotions, exploring codependency patterns can help.
Self-care and boundaries are inseparable. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. Maintaining them proves you value yourself. The stronger your boundaries, the more energy you have for your relationship.
Boundary violations in families affect marriages. Parents, siblings, or in-laws who don't respect boundaries can undermine your marriage partnership. Establishing clear family boundaries protects your marriage.
Boundaries strengthen relationships that deserve strengthening. Healthy couples understand that boundaries aren't rejection—they're respect. A partner who can hear your boundary without taking it personally is showing you they care about your well-being.
How This Applies to Your Couples Therapy Practice
If you're working with couples who argue about the same issues repeatedly, who can't seem to understand each other's needs, or who feel disconnected and resentful, boundary work might be exactly what they need. This book gives you and your clients a shared language for identifying where the real problems lie. Often, couples think their problem is about sex or money or extended family, when the real issue is that no one has clear boundaries around those topics.
Recommending Set Boundaries, Find Peace to your clients gives them a practical guide they can use between sessions. The exercises Tawwab includes help people get specific about their own boundaries rather than staying in vague complaints. And the compassionate tone—recognizing that boundary violations often come from learned patterns, not malice—helps couples approach boundary-setting as collaborative work rather than blame.
Your couples therapy can help clients go deeper than the book alone. You can help them understand the attachment patterns and family dynamics underneath their boundary struggles. You can coach them through difficult boundary conversations. You can help them navigate the resistance and pushback that inevitably comes. And you can help them see that setting boundaries isn't the end of their relationship—it's often the beginning of a healthier, more honest one. If your clients are ready to reclaim their peace while strengthening their partnership, this book is an excellent starting point.
Want to explore boundary issues with a couples therapist? James M. Christensen at Roseville Couples Counseling can help you and your partner navigate these important conversations and build the foundation for a healthier relationship.
