Book Summary: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want revolutionized couples therapy when it was published in 1988. Hendrix, a therapist who developed Imago Relationship Therapy, offers a provocative theory: we unconsciously choose partners who resemble our childhood caregivers, then recreate childhood dramas in our adult relationships.
This sounds like a recipe for disaster—and often is. But Hendrix argues that these patterns also contain the seeds of healing. The very conflicts that tear couples apart can become the path to becoming whole.
Part One: The Unconscious Partnership
Chapter 1: The Mystery of Attraction
Hendrix opens with a puzzle: why are we attracted to certain people and not others? The answer, he argues, lies in our unconscious minds.
Each of us carries an "Imago"—an unconscious image of the ideal partner. This image is a composite of the positive and negative traits of our early caregivers. We're drawn to people who match our Imago, even when—especially when—they possess the very traits that wounded us as children.
This explains why we often choose partners who are "wrong" for us in obvious ways. The critical mother's son falls for critical women. The emotionally distant father's daughter is drawn to men who can't open up. It's not bad luck. It's the Imago at work.
Chapter 2: Childhood Wounds
To understand your Imago, you need to understand your childhood wounds. Hendrix identifies universal childhood needs: safety, warmth, structure, support, and recognition. No parent meets all these needs perfectly. The needs that went unmet become wounds.
These wounds shape us. If you didn't get enough attention, you might become attention-seeking or learn to suppress the need entirely. If you were criticized constantly, you might become hypersensitive to judgment or develop a thick shell.
Our wounds also shape what we're looking for in a partner. We unconsciously seek someone who will finally give us what our parents couldn't. The problem: we choose people who are similar to our parents, which means they're probably ill-equipped to meet those very needs.
Chapter 3: Your Imago
Hendrix guides readers through identifying their own Imago. What were your parents like? What traits drove you crazy? What did you long for that you didn't receive?
Your Imago contains both positive and negative traits. You're drawn to your partner's warmth because your mother was warm. You're also drawn to their emotional distance because your father was distant. You chose a whole package, not just the good parts.
Understanding your Imago helps you see your partner more clearly. Their frustrating traits aren't random flaws—they're part of why you chose them. This doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it provides context.
Chapter 4: The Power Struggle
After the romantic phase, every couple enters what Hendrix calls the "power struggle." The partner who once seemed perfect now seems impossible. Their charming traits have become annoying habits. The very things that attracted you are now driving you apart.
What's happening? Your old brain has been activated. You've regressed to childhood patterns. You're no longer seeing your partner clearly—you're seeing your parents. And you're fighting to get needs met that were unmet decades ago.
During the power struggle, couples try to change each other. "If only you would do X, I would be happy." This rarely works because both partners are making the same demand. Neither is willing to change first.
Chapter 5: Resolving the Power Struggle
The way out of the power struggle isn't to find a better partner. It's to use the relationship as a vehicle for healing.
Hendrix calls this "conscious partnership." Instead of unconsciously recreating childhood dramas, you consciously use the relationship to heal childhood wounds. Your partner becomes your healing partner, not just your romantic partner.
This requires a shift in perspective. Your partner's frustrating behaviors are actually pointers to your unfinished growth. What triggers you reveals what needs healing in you.
Part Two: The Conscious Partnership
Chapter 6: Becoming Conscious
The first step toward conscious partnership is awareness. You need to understand your own patterns: your Imago, your wounds, your defensive strategies.
Hendrix recommends a series of exercises to increase self-awareness:
Mapping your childhood experiences
Identifying your parents' positive and negative traits
Recognizing how these traits appear in your partner
Understanding what you're really fighting about
This awareness doesn't make conflicts disappear, but it changes how you engage with them. You stop blaming your partner for your pain and start taking responsibility for your own healing.
Chapter 7: Closing Your Exits
Many couples in the power struggle develop "exits"—ways of avoiding intimacy and leaking energy from the relationship. Exits can be obvious (affairs, addictions) or subtle (workaholism, emotional distance, excessive time with friends).
Hendrix encourages couples to identify and close their exits. This doesn't mean giving up friends or hobbies. It means redirecting the energy that's being used to avoid the relationship back into the relationship.
Closing exits forces you to confront the pain you've been avoiding. This is uncomfortable but necessary for healing.
Chapter 8: Creating a Zone of Safety
Healing requires safety. Partners need to feel safe enough to be vulnerable, to express needs, to try new behaviors.
Hendrix describes several practices for creating safety:
Eliminating criticism and contempt
Showing appreciation regularly
Keeping commitments
Protecting the relationship from outside threats
He introduces the concept of "zero negativity"—a commitment to eliminate all negative comments for a period of time. This sounds extreme, but it creates space for new patterns to emerge.
Chapter 9: Increasing Positive Behaviors
Once safety is established, couples can begin actively meeting each other's needs. Hendrix introduces the "Behavior Change Request"—a structured way to ask for what you want.
Instead of criticizing what your partner does wrong, you describe what you'd like them to do. Instead of "You never pay attention to me," you say "I would like you to put down your phone and look at me when I'm talking."
These requests should be specific, positive, and behavioral. Vague requests ("Be more loving") don't work because your partner doesn't know what to do.
Chapter 10: The Imago Dialogue
The centerpiece of Hendrix's approach is the Imago Dialogue—a structured conversation technique that creates safety and promotes understanding.
The dialogue has three parts:
Mirroring: One partner speaks while the other reflects back what they heard. "What I hear you saying is..." This ensures accurate understanding.
Validation: The listening partner acknowledges that the speaker's perspective makes sense. "It makes sense that you feel that way because..." This doesn't mean agreement—just recognition that their view is valid.
Empathy: The listening partner imagines what the speaker might be feeling. "I imagine you might be feeling..." This creates emotional connection.
The Imago Dialogue slows communication down. It interrupts reactive patterns. It creates space for new understanding.
Chapter 11: Re-Romanticizing
Hendrix encourages couples to intentionally recreate the behaviors of early romance. Date nights, surprises, thoughtful gestures—not because you feel romantic, but to prime the pump.
He also recommends "flooding"—overwhelming your partner with positive behaviors. Give them what they've been asking for, abundantly and without keeping score.
Chapter 12: Creating Your Vision
The final chapter invites couples to envision their ideal relationship. What would it look like if you healed your wounds and became whole? What kind of partnership would you create?
This vision becomes a guide. When conflicts arise, you can ask: "Does this move us toward our vision or away from it?"
Key Takeaways
We choose partners who match our Imago. This unconscious image combines our caregivers' positive and negative traits.
Romantic love is nature's trick. It brings us together with someone who can help us heal—but also wound us in familiar ways.
The power struggle is inevitable. After romance fades, couples regress to childhood patterns and fight to get old needs met.
Your partner's flaws point to your wounds. What triggers you reveals what needs healing in you, not what's wrong with them.
Conscious partnership uses conflict for growth. Instead of fighting to change your partner, you use the relationship to heal yourself.
Safety is essential for healing. Eliminate criticism, show appreciation, and create an environment where vulnerability is possible.
The Imago Dialogue transforms communication. Mirror, validate, and empathize. Slow down reactive patterns.
Stretching into your partner's needs heals you. Giving your partner what they need often requires developing the parts of yourself that were stunted in childhood.
