The Love Trap
Image by Gemini
When you’re falling in love, you have intense feelings that make it easy to treat each other well. But when those feelings fade, you don't treat each other as well as you're used to. That's how you get caught in the love trap.
Getting Out of the Trap
You can get out of the trap by starting a new relationship, but you'll end up in the same pickle in a couple of years. If you want to stay out of the love trap, you have to learn how to love someone because you choose to love them. You can't just let your feelings be your guide if you want to stay in love.
Some feelings are from the past
I get anxious when my wife is upset at me. My chest gets tight, and I don’t feel OK. There's a reason I feel that way, and it doesn't have a lot to do with my wife.
There was a time when I was two feet tall and I needed someone to take care of me, so body has a built-in warning system that says, "Watch out, the person who's supposed to take care of you isn't taking care of you." That warning system is still active, even though I'm an adult now.
Reconnect with Reality
When my warning system activates, I'm less likely to treat my wife well. When I reconnect with reality, I become a much better husband.
I ask myself three questions that help me reconnect with reality:
What am I worried about?
If that happens, will it be okay?
Since I'm going to be okay, can I make room for how I feel right now?
Falling in love versus being in love.
Reconnecting with reality is part of being in love. When I’m connected with reality, I can choose to treat my partner well even when I don't feel like I'm going to be okay. I'm letting my values drive my behavior instead of letting my feelings drive my behavior.
This doesn't mean that long-term relationships are devoid of feelings. In fact, the opposite is true. As my wife and I have gotten better at treating each other well, some of the feelings we had when we first fell in love have returned. And this time, we know how to keep them around.
