How to become a more solid person

You build solidness by tolerating discomfort without falling apart.

That's it. That's the whole game.

Every time you stay present in a hard conversation instead of shutting down or blowing up—you get a little more solid.

Every time you hear something hard about yourself and don't collapse into shame or defensiveness—you get a little more solid.

Every time you hold onto what you know to be true even when your partner disagrees—you get a little more solid.

It's like building muscle. You don't get stronger by avoiding the weight. You get stronger by lifting it.

The solidness comes from the struggle, not from avoiding the struggle.

This is why Schnarch called marriage a "people-growing machine." The pressure of being in a committed relationship with another person is the gym. The conflicts, the disappointments, the moments when you want to run—those are the reps.

Most people try to build okayness by getting their environment to cooperate. If my partner would just validate me more, I'd feel secure. If they'd stop criticizing me, I'd feel good about myself.

That's backwards. You're trying to get strong by making the weight lighter.

Real solidness comes from discovering you can handle things you thought you couldn't handle.