Why you partner might not want sex

Reason #1:  you’re in a committed relationship. 

It really is normal to have a higher-desire partner (HDP) and a lower-desire partner (LDP) in a committed sexual relationship. You’re probably the HDP, and you probably have a lot of cultural support for the idea that your partner is the one with the problem. 

Even though it’s normal for one partner to want less sex, relationships are more fun when there is less discrepancy in desire. Let’s make that happen by looking at. . .

Reason #2:  you’re using sex to extract validation. 

Validation is the sense that you’re good enough and it’s ok for you to be here. Understanding validation is the key to understanding sex, relationships, and human interaction in general. The key to creating a long-lasting sexual relationship is to make the switch from childhood validation (external referencing) to adult validation (internal referencing). 

In childhood, validation comes from others. Children are good at absorbing validation from others, and not good at validating themselves. Children are external referencers. 

Adult validation comes from within. As adults, we lose the ability to absorb validation from others, forcing us to earn our own self-respect or live in a constant state of invalidation. Adults have to become internal referencers if they want to enjoy committed relationships. 

The switch from external to internal referencing requires dedicated, deliberate effort. Most adults continue pursuing validation in childlike ways, hoping it will work next time even though it didn’t work last time. It’s really quite hard to undo the programming your brain received in childhood, replacing it with behavioral patterns that work well in adulthood. 

Higher-desire partners often use sex to extract validation. Have you ever felt slightly let down after sex? That’s your subconscious informing you that your attempt to extract validation didn’t work very well. Let’s figure out how to fix that by looking at. . .

Reason #3:  the way you use sex makes it hard for your partner to desire you

Humans are hard-wired to avoid validation traps (situations where you feel pressured to bolster someone’s self-esteem.) Think about the last time someone tried to extract approval or validation from you:  do you remember feeling a bit of disgust? That “cringe” of disgust is completely incompatible with sexual desire. That’s what your partner feels when you try to use sex to extract validation. 

Lets’ take a step back here before you start cursing my name:  repairing differences in sexual desire is a two-player game, and the lower-desire partner has plenty of work to do as well. I’m zeroing in on the HDP here because I’m guessing that’s who’s reading this article. Don’t worry, it’s not all your fault! Learn more about the LDP’s role in this dynamic by exploring . . .

Reason #4:  cultural meanings attached to sex make it hard to nurture desire in committed relationships. 

Everyone grows up with unhelpful meanings attached to sex, stemming from societal efforts to regulate sexuality and general anxiety about sex. Here are some unhelpful cultural ideas you might have been exposed to:

• The LDP should “care for” the HDP by having sex

• A man who doesn’t want sex isn’t a “real man”

• Sex is gross, bad, scary, or so amazing it has to be kept hidden and restricted

• Sexual difficulties are the LDP’s fault

• Sexual desire arises naturally as soon as emotional concerns are resolved

Reason #5:  your relationship is going through a natural process of growth and development

Sexual desire problems are part of the normal course of relationship progression. Desire, and the lack of desire, pressure us to become more capable of honesty, love, courage, kindness, and understanding, because that is the only way to create an environment where desire can flourish and thrive. If that sounds like a lot of work, well, it is. 

Sexual desire in long-term relationships is a delicate flower being choked by weeds, parched for lack of water, and starved for lack of nourishment. Given proper care, you can create a sexual relationship that put one-night stands to shame. This requires emotional growth and development, commitment, and education. 

How to Reduce Relationship Anxiety

Popular culture teaches us that relationships are for comfort and pleasure. Real life disagrees.

Most committed relationships are full of anxiety. As humans, we have a deep desire to form long-term relationships, but once we have established those relationships we have no idea how to make them places of comfort and pleasure. Instead, they become nests of anxiety.

1. Practice Somatic Kindness

When you feel anxiety, see if you can identify where you feel it in your body. The things we call emotions are just interpretations of physical sensations, usually located in our chest or abdomen. My anxiety usually feels like pain and tightness in my chest. By focusing on the physical sensation instead of the emotion, we turn our attention to what is most real in the moment.

Once you have identified what you feel in your body, practice directing a string of acceptance, kindness, and love to that uncomfortable sensation. This is a counter-instinctive practice because we learned early in childhood to distract, dissociate, or tune out uncomfortable sensations in the body. As adults, our capacity for feeling intense sensations is much greater than what it was when we were children, but we still distract and dissociate because that is what we are used to doing.

I use the mantra feel more, do less to describe the practice of opening my heart to uncomfortable sensations.

2. Learn to self-validate

Most relationship anxiety is a byproduct of validation-seeking behavior. Validation (the feeling that you’re good enough and it’s OK for you to be here) is a constant undercurrent in any relationship. As children, we all depended on others for validation. As adults, we have to learn how to feel good about ourselves without relying on the approval of others.

This shift from external to internal referencing is critical to the survival of any romantic relationship. Children are external referencers by nature — they aren’t capable of self-validation. Adults are not only capable of external validation, it’s the only kind of validation that actually works in adulthood.

I can remember times in my childhood when I my parents displayed approval of something I was doing, and it felt like molten sunshine pouring into my soul. That same feeling doesn’t come in adulthood, at least not from external sources. In order to really feel good about who we are as adults, we have to actually earn our own self-respect.

3. Make room for disagreement

Trying to get your partner to agree with you is one way of seeking external validation. It’s common for two people in a relationship to have different memories of the same event. If unkind feelings are involved, memories of past events will change to support the way you feel at the moment of remembering.

You make room for disagreement by allowing your partner to have their own memories, opinions, perceptions, and preferences. When those don’t match up with yours, it gives you an opportunity to practice self-validation and internal referencing.

4. Breathe Together

Intentional breathing is an easy way to calm the body and the soul. Breathing in sync with your partner gives you both the experience of feeling safe and being together at the same time, something that might not happen very often in a challenging relationship. You can use any number of apps or recordings to help time your inhalation and exhalation, or you can just listen to each other breathing and figure out a way to stay in sync.

Intentional breathing sends an “all clear” message to the brain that can counteract built-up sensations of anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and unsafety. These effects multiply when two people breathe together.