What is Normal Marital Sadism?

Normal marital sadism (NMS) is the emotional torture partners inflict on each other within a marriage. It is a common occurrence in marriage and often plays out in a couple's sex life. It can involve saying hurtful things, withholding important information, or subtly coercing, pressuring, manipulating, or demeaning one’s partner.

Normal marital sadism is distinct from physical domestic violence. It involves inflicting psychological pain and abuse, but stops short of physical abuse. However, NMS occurs far more frequently than physical abuse.

Examples of normal marital sadism include:

• Saying hurtful things

• Withholding important information

• Strategic maneuvering

• Coercing

• Pressuring

• Manipulating

• Demeaning

• Withholding sex

• Faking orgasms

• Deliberately thinking about other things during sex

• Sending sexual vibes to a partner’s friends

Normal marital sadism is fueled by a number of factors, including:

• Regression: When people are regressed, they have poor impulse control and do not see their partners as separate people.

• Emotional fusion: Emotionally fused couples are more likely to engage in NMS because they are dependent on each other for validation and anxiety regulation.

• Power imbalances: Therapists may overlook NMS when there is a power imbalance in the relationship. However, NMS is still harmful, even if it is perpetrated by the “underdog.”

Confronting normal marital sadism is a key part of building a healthier relationship. Therapists should be aware of NMS and be able to help couples identify and address it. When couples are able to confront and overcome NMS, they can begin to develop a more loving and respectful relationship.