8 Ways to Improve Relationship Communication

1. Hit the Pause Button (10 Seconds or 10 Minutes)

Before reacting to your partner, take a beat. There's magic in a well-timed pause. I like to think of two types:

• The 10-Second Pause: This is your quick breather. Take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and then respond. This helps prevent blurting out something you might regret.

• The 10-Minute Pause: Feeling overwhelmed? Getting heated? This is your emergency brake. Tell your partner, "I'm feeling upset/flooded/defensive. I'll be back in 10 minutes." This gives you space to cool down and prevents a full-blown argument. It also lets your partner know that you are coming back, which can ease their worries.

2. State Your Intention

Before launching into a conversation, ask yourself: What do I hope to achieve? Being clear about your intention—both to yourself and your partner—can prevent you from falling into common traps. Are you actually looking for agreement? Approval? Are you simply venting anxiety? Maybe you're not even sure. Defining your intention brings focus and clarity to the conversation.

3. Feelings Speak Louder Than Words

The emotions you bring to a conversation have a far more significant impact than the specific words you choose. Your partner can sense your underlying feelings, whether it's anger, indifference, or genuine care. Trying to manipulate your partner's perception with clever wording doesn’t work in the long run. 

4. Focus on the Now: Present Over Past

Here's a fascinating fact about memory: when we're emotionally charged, our brains tend to reconstruct memories that reinforce our current feelings. So, if you're angry with your partner, your mind will dig up past events to "prove" your anger is justified. Conversely, positive emotions will bring up positive memories.

The point? Arguing about the past is often a smokescreen. Your current feelings are likely rooted in something happening now, even if your brain tries to convince you otherwise. Instead of fixating on past grievances, take time to understand what your partner might be doing in the present that's triggering those negative feelings.

5. Request Over Complaint

Complaints dwell on the past, are critical, and are drenched in negative emotion. Requests are about the future, involve positive emotions, and are non-critical.

Complaints sound like this: "You never do this," "You always do that."

Requests sound like this: "I would like you to do this," "I don't want you to do that."

See the difference? Your partner can't change the past, but they can change their future actions.

Requests are harder because they require you to figure out exactly what you want and to admit you need your partner's help. But it's worth the effort. Be clear, be kind, and understand they might say no (or say yes and not follow through). That's part of the deal.

6. Reveal, dont’ Convince

Focus on revealing your inner world to your partner. Share your observations, your perceptions of yourself and them, and your desires. In other words, reveal your perception and your preferences.

• Perception: What do you see in yourself, your partner, and the world?

• Preference: What do you want from your partner? How do you want them to treat you?

⠀This approach can be especially helpful for high-conflict couples. Limiting communication to perception and preference helps avoid complaints, manipulation, and other unproductive patterns.

7. Let Go of Defensiveness

When you get defensive, you're essentially handing your partner the power to determine your worth. It reveals an internal struggle—you feel you need their approval to feel okay.

Instead, cultivate curiosity. Listen to their criticism with an open heart and mind. You don't have to agree, but you don't have to fight it either. Remember, you are the ultimate judge of your own character. You decide what kind of person you want to be, and you can take your partner's feedback into account without basing your entire self-worth on it.

8. Embrace Disagreement

Most arguments boil down to a desperate need for agreement and approval. But guess what? It's okay to disagree! It's okay if your partner doesn't approve of everything you do or think.

Of course, some decisions require a unified front (buying a house, having kids, etc.). But most of the time, seeking agreement is unnecessary. Every time you allow your partner to disagree without fighting for their approval, your relationship (and your sense of self) grows stronger.