David Schnarch on Written Mental Dialogues
Written mental dialogues are a key technique in David Schnarch’s Crucible Neurobiological Therapy (CNT). Imagine writing a conversation resembling a play script where you engage in a back-and-forth with a person who has caused you significant emotional distress, such as a parent, spouse, sibling, or coworker. This method, primarily a right-brain activity, helps integrate implicit memories with explicit memories, fostering self-awareness and resolving steady-state regressions — a persistent state of emotional reactivity that keeps you stuck in unhealthy behavioral patterns.
The goal of these dialogues is not to win an argument, change the other person, or force an apology. Instead, the focus is on gaining a deeper understanding of their thought processes, motivations, and tactics, and in turn, developing stronger, more effective responses to their manipulative behaviors.
Here's a step-by-step breakdown of the process:
Write Your Initial Dialogues:
Select a specific scenario or unresolved conflict involving this challenging person. Imagine it unfolding in your mind.
Write the dialogue as it plays out, without censoring or editing your thoughts. Focus on capturing the natural flow of the interaction and how each of you would respond in the moment.
Base the other person's responses on your knowledge of their personality, their past actions, and how they've typically reacted in similar situations.
Analyze Your Dialogues:
Carefully study the written conversation. Look for patterns and insights into both your behavior and the other person's behavior.
Identify their "moves": What are they trying to accomplish with their words and actions? Are they trying to make you feel guilty, defensive, or confused? Understanding their tactics will help you develop more effective counter-moves.
Evaluate your own responses: Are you hesitant? Indirect? Overly accommodating? Are you showing fear or avoiding confrontation? Do you fall into predictable patterns of weakness or avoidance that contribute to your emotional reactivity?
Improve Your Responses:
Strive to develop "gold-standard" responses. These responses are:
Clear
Direct
Assertive
While such responses might initially upset the other person, the goal is to clearly state your needs and boundaries without getting pulled into their manipulations.
Deal with Increasing Challenges:
As your responses become stronger and more assertive in the dialogue, the other person might also become more challenging or resort to new tactics. This is actually a sign of progress! It shows you're pushing against their ingrained patterns.
Remember, written dialogues provide a safe space to "practice" these difficult conversations. Don't be afraid to experiment with different responses and see how the dynamic shifts.
Identify and Address the "Lynchpin":
As you progress, pay close attention to topics or questions you consistently avoid in the dialogues. These "lynchpins" often represent core issues or fears that fuel your steady-state regression and keep you feeling stuck.
Addressing these lynchpins head-on within the dialogue can be profoundly transformative. It allows you to confront the root of your emotional reactivity.
Practice in Real Life:
The ultimate goal of this exercise is to take the insights and skills you've gained from the written dialogues and apply them to real-life interactions with the challenging person.
With practice, you'll become more adept at:
Recognizing their manipulative "moves"
Staying grounded in your own sense of self
Responding in ways that promote healthy communication and personal growth
The process of written mental dialogues is iterative. It takes time, patience, and a willingness to confront difficult emotions and ingrained patterns. You can learn more by downloading a free copy of Dr. Schnarch’s last book, Living at the Bottom of the Ocean
