Book Summary: The Courage to be Disliked and The Courage to be Happy by Ichiro Kishimi.
The Courage to Be Disliked (2013) and its sequel The Courage to Be Happy (2016) by Ichiro Kishimi present the principles of Alfred Adler’s psychology through a series of dialogues. In the first book, a philosopher and a young man engage in five profound conversations (“nights”) that illustrate how we can liberate ourselves from past burdens and others’ expectations. The second book picks up three years later, with the same characters delving into how to put Adler’s teachings into practice in everyday life. The once-skeptical youth, now a teacher, returns disillusioned—claiming Adler’s ideas failed in reality—prompting another dialogue that deepens his understanding and provides practical tools for living a happy life. Both books maintain a non-clinical, conversational tone, using relatable scenarios to challenge commonly held beliefs about trauma, happiness, and interpersonal relationships. Below is a chapter-by-chapter summary of each book, highlighting the key lessons from every chapter in an accessible way.
The Courage to Be Disliked
Chapter 1: Deny Trauma
In Chapter 1, the philosopher boldly challenges the idea that our present is determined by past traumas. He argues that “trauma” is not a life sentence – rather, we ourselves assign meaning to our past experiences. According to Adlerian psychology, no experience in itself compels a particular outcome; instead, we choose our paths and goals moving forward. The young man learns that people often use past difficulties as excuses to avoid change or responsibility. The philosopher introduces the concept of teleology – the notion that we invent reasons (like anxiety or fear) to justify our behavior – implying that we have more control than we think. The message of this chapter is empowering: no matter what hardships you’ve faced, you can choose to change your life now. Happiness is not dictated by the past but by the purpose you choose today, and making that choice takes courage.
Chapter 2: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
This chapter emphasizes that most personal issues are, at their core, issues in relating with others. The philosopher claims that if one were alone in the world, one would have no problems at all – meaning our feelings of inadequacy or conflict usually spring from comparisons and interactions with people. For example, feelings of inferiority arise only when we measure ourselves against someone else’s success or expectations. The young man struggles with low self-esteem, but the philosopher explains that such feelings are not objective facts; they are subjective interpretations that we can change. Adler’s insight here is that we often decide to dislike ourselves or view ourselves as “not good enough” as a way to avoid taking on new challenges. The chapter encourages accepting oneself as is, and then stepping out of the comfort zone with courage. This process of “encouragement,” as Adler calls it, involves shifting focus from self to others – contributing to the community and building bonds – since improving our interpersonal relationships is the way to solve life’s problems.
Chapter 3: Discard Other People’s Tasks
Chapter 3 introduces the liberating idea of the “separation of tasks.” The philosopher tells the youth to stop living to satisfy other people’s expectations or seeking their approval. We each have our own tasks in life, and much of our distress comes from intruding on others’ tasks or allowing others to intrude on ours. In practice, this means distinguishing what truly is your responsibility and what isn’t. For instance, a student’s task is to study; a teacher’s task is to teach – if a student doesn’t learn, that is ultimately the student’s task to carry. Once you “discard” tasks that belong to others, you free yourself from the burden of trying to control what you can’t. The philosopher also discusses how craving recognition or worrying about what others think ties us into chains. Real freedom, he argues, is having the courage to be disliked by others when you know you are living true to yourself. By the end of this chapter, the youth starts to see that minding his own business (and allowing others to mind theirs) leads to healthier relationships and personal freedom.
Chapter 4: Where the Center of the World Is
In Chapter 4, the conversation shifts to how we view ourselves in relation to the world. The philosopher explains that no one is the “center of the world” – we are each a part of a larger community, equally worthy but no more important than anyone else. This ties into Adler’s idea of community feeling or social interest: true happiness arises when we feel connected to others and contribute to the common good. The young man is cautioned against seeing life as a hierarchy with himself at the top. The book pointedly says we should avoid both praise and criticism in our relations, because judging people (even as praise) puts you above them and creates a vertical relationship. Instead, one should aim for horizontal relationships where everyone is on equal footing and treated with respect. In practical terms, rather than bossing others around or trying to fix them, we can offer assistance and encouragement, allowing them to solve their own problems. By the end of this chapter, the youth understands that a fulfilling life is not about being superior or special in others’ eyes, but about belonging to a community where you give and receive support as an equal member.
Chapter 5: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now
The final chapter ties all the concepts together and focuses on living wholeheartedly in the present. The philosopher outlines three key elements needed to attain what Adler calls “community feeling”: self-acceptance, trust in others, and contribution to others. First, self-acceptance means acknowledging both your strengths and weaknesses objectively – focusing on what you can change about yourself and letting go of what you cannot. Second, having confidence in others means believing in people without constant doubt. No meaningful relationship can grow if you are always suspicious; genuine bonds require trust over fear. Third, contribution is about finding ways to be useful to someone else or to society; when you feel you are helping others, you begin to like yourself and find purpose. In fact, one powerful line in the book is that “happiness is the feeling of contribution” – we experience true joy when we sense that our existence is meaningful to others. The philosopher also urges the youth to stop living for some far-off goal or dwelling on past regrets. Life is a series of moments (a “line of dots,” not a continuous line toward a fixed destination), so the point is to live each moment fully and earnestly. By the end, the youth grasps that a person can be happy right now, in this very moment, if they have the courage to live according to these principles – accepting themselves, trusting others, and contributing to the community without fear of being ordinary. It’s a heartfelt conclusion that being “normal” (not endlessly chasing validation or superiority) is perfectly fine – what matters is finding contentment and meaning in the here and now.
The Courage to Be Happy
Chapter 1: That Bad Person and Poor Me
The sequel begins by confronting two mindset traps called “that bad person” and “poor me.” These two phrases sum up the tendency to blame others for our problems versus feeling sorry for ourselves. In this chapter, the youth complains about people who have treated him poorly (“that bad person”) and simultaneously wallows in self-pity about his own situation (“poor me”). The philosopher gently points out that both attitudes are ways of avoiding responsibility. Labeling someone as the bad guy in your life excuses you from examining your own role, while seeing yourself as a perpetual victim (“poor me”) only leads to despair and passivity. The antidote, as discussed, is to take ownership of your life and happiness. The youth is encouraged to develop self-reliance – to recognize that he has the power to make choices and changes, rather than depending on others to fix things. By shifting away from blaming or pitying, he can build healthier relationships based on mutual respect and cooperation. In short, Chapter 1 drives home the lesson that to be happy, one must stop pointing fingers outward or indulging in self-victimization, and instead muster the courage to take charge of one’s own life.
Chapter 2: Why Negate Reward and Punishment?
Chapter 2 challenges the conventional belief that rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior are effective ways to guide people (especially children). The philosopher argues that the classic reward-and-punishment approach only creates superficial change and actually fosters dependency and resentment. Through their dialogue, we learn that when someone’s actions are driven by the promise of a reward or fear of punishment, they are not acting from their own conviction – they are being controlled. The youth, who is a teacher, realizes that in his classroom, giving gold stars or scolding students might be doing more harm than good. Adlerian psychology suggests that such methods make people constantly seek approval and dread judgment from others. This chapter promotes intrinsic motivation and respect over carrots and sticks. The philosopher explains that true education (and healthy relationships in general) comes from neitherrebuking nor praising, but from understanding and allowing natural consequences. When the youth asks how one can motivate others without those tools, the philosopher emphasizes creating a democratic and cooperative environment – for example, involving students in setting class rules – so that they learn to act on their own belief in what’s right, not because they fear punishment or crave reward. By the end of Chapter 2, it’s clear that letting go of the reward-punishment mindset is key to raising independent, responsible individuals and to fostering genuine cooperation rather than mere compliance.
Chapter 3: From the Principle of Competition to the Principle of Cooperation
In Chapter 3, the book advocates a profound shift in how we view success and relationships: moving from competition to cooperation. The youth initially believes that a little competition is natural and even necessary, but the philosopher makes a case that competition damages our bonds with others. In a competitive mindset, someone else’s success inherently becomes your loss, turning people into enemies or threats. The dialogue explains that a “community needs to run on cooperation, not competition”. Excessive competition leads to “gamesmanship and unfairness,” where individuals may hold others back or engage in dishonesty just to come out on top. This chapter uses examples (like scenarios in schools or workplaces) to show that when people work together for a common goal instead of against each other, everyone actually does better. Adler’s principle here is that all problems are interpersonal (echoing the first book) and a competitive environment only heightens those problems by breeding envy, fear, and isolation. True happiness, as the philosopher notes, comes from community feeling – the sense of belonging and contributing – which can only flourish in a cooperative atmosphere. By the end, the youth starts to see that life is not a zero-sum game. He is prompted to adopt the principle of cooperation by celebrating others’ successes and sharing his own, rather than constantly measuring and comparing. This chapter’s takeaway is that letting go of rivalry opens the door to deeper connections and a more meaningful, less anxious life.
Chapter 4: Give, and It Shall Be Given Unto You
Chapter 4 centers on the concept of generosity and the positive cycle it creates in human relationships. The biblical-sounding title “Give, and it shall be given unto you” captures Adler’s idea that the act of giving itself brings rewards (in terms of happiness and connection), even if one doesn’t give for a reward. The philosopher teaches that all joy is interpersonal relationship joy, meaning our happiest moments come from interactions with others – from love, friendship, and acts of service. In this conversation, the youth grapples with trust issues, fearing that if he gives too much to others, he might be taken advantage of. The philosopher advises him to have confidence in others and to give without strings attached, whether it’s offering help, kindness, or understanding. When you contribute to others’ well-being, you simultaneously fuel your own sense of worth. This chapter also clarifies the difference between true confidence and transactional “trust.” True confidence in others expects nothing in return; it’s a unilateral decision to see the best in people and support them. The youth hears how showing faith in someone can inspire them to grow, whereas using trust as a form of control undermines relationships. By the end of Chapter 4, he is challenged to practice this kind of giving in his life – to start treating relationships not as exchanges or bargains, but as opportunities to wholeheartedly contribute. The promise is that by doing so, he will also receive unexpected joy and stronger bonds (hence the idea that what you give comes back to you in some form).
Chapter 5: Choose a Life You Love
The final chapter is a heartfelt culmination that urges the youth (and the reader) to actively choose and love the life they build. Here, the dialogue delves into the topic of love and life choices as the ultimate “tasks” requiring courage. The philosopher explains that living happily often comes down to the courage to love and be loved. Love, in Adlerian terms, is not something one falls into by chance but rather a task accomplished by two people who choose each other. The youth learns that many people are secretly afraid of love – just as they fear change – because to love someone means to commit yourself without any guarantee of success or reciprocation. It’s an act of faith and vulnerability that requires courage. This chapter broadens the idea of “choosing a life you love” beyond just career or personal ambitions: it’s also about choosing to embrace relationships and community, instead of isolating oneself out of fear. The philosopher and youth discuss how there is no such thing as a destined soulmate waiting for you; rather, love is a decision and an ongoing effort, closely tied to one’s happiness and sense of purpose. Finally, the youth is urged to “re-choose” his lifestyle – to consciously design his life according to his own values and the contributions he wants to make, not according to societal expectations or fear of being disliked. By having the courage to pick a path he truly believes in (a life he can love), and to share that life with others (through love, friendship, and contribution), he can fulfill the ultimate goal Adler spoke of: to live in happiness. Chapter 5 ends on an inspiring note that finding contentment is within anyone’s power, as long as we have the courage to make authentic choices and keep moving forward on the path we ourselves have chosen.
Conclusion: Across these two books, Kishimi uses the warm dialogue between the philosopher and the youth to convey an empowering message: We each hold the key to our own happiness. The Courage to Be Disliked lays the foundation by explaining Adlerian principles—such as rejecting the binding force of trauma, taking responsibility for our lives, and fostering social interest—while The Courage to Be Happy builds on that foundation, addressing real-world applications like education, work, and love. Chapter by chapter, the youth (and the reader) is shown that happiness is not a gift from our past or from others, but a choice we make every day. By the end of their journey, he has learned that the courage to be happy is inseparable from the courage to be disliked: it’s about living true to oneself, forging meaningful relationships, and bravely creating a life that genuinely reflects one’s values and aspirations.
