Book Summary: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
Chapter 1: The Nice Guy Syndrome
Glover defines the “Nice Guy Syndrome” as a pervasive people-pleasing mindset. A Nice Guy believes that hiding his flaws, suppressing his needs, and doing whatever he thinks others want will earn him love and a hassle-free life. He might say, “I’m one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet,” and indeed Nice Guys often appear friendly, generous, and conflict-averse. They take pride in giving to others and fixing problems, and they avoid anger or confrontation like the plague. Underneath this agreeable façade, however, Nice Guys carry toxic habits and hidden emotions. Glover lists some not-so-nice traits that Nice Guys commonly develop: they can be dishonest about their feelings, secretive, manipulative or controlling (often in subtle ways), and prone to passive-aggressive behavior or even bursts of rage when their bottled-up resentment overflows. In other words, by trying to be “too nice,” these men inevitably sabotage their relationships – the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde effect that many partners eventually observe.
Glover emphasizes that being a Nice Guy is not healthy or truly virtuous; it’s a dysfunctional strategy. The answer isn’t for a man to swing to the opposite extreme and become a jerk, but to evolve into what Glover calls an “Integrated Male.” An integrated man accepts all aspects of himself – both his strengths and his imperfections – instead of concealing parts of his identity to please others. Such a man likes himself “just as he is” and takes responsibility for his own needs. He’s comfortable with his masculinity and emotions, honest in his dealings, able to set boundaries, and unafraid of conflict when necessary. This chapter’s key insight is that true niceness (in the healthy sense) comes from self-respect and wholeness, not from always saying yes.
Suggested action: As a first step, Glover encourages Nice Guys to begin recognizing their own approval-seeking patterns. For example, you might list the ways you typically try to “look good” for others – do you hide mistakes? Avoid saying no? Pretend to like things you don’t? Simply becoming aware of these habits is important. Glover also suggests finding “safe people” you trust (such as a close friend, support group, or therapist) and committing to be completely honest and real with them. Identifying a few safe people who accept you as you are is crucial for breaking the habit of hiding your true self. Sharing your fears or flaws with them – and realizing you’re still loved – can be a powerful first exercise in shedding the Nice Guy persona.
Chapter 2: The Making of a Nice Guy
Why do some men become Nice Guys in the first place? Chapter 2 delves into the childhood origins of the Nice Guy Syndrome. Glover explains that as little boys, many Nice Guys received messages that it wasn’t safe or acceptable to be who they really were. Perhaps they felt abandoned, criticized, or emotionally neglected by important people in their early life. Young children are inherently ego-centric and dependent – they assume that if something is wrong in the family, theymust be the cause. So if a boy’s needs aren’t met or he feels unloved, he concludes “There’s something bad about me. I have to be different (good) to be loved.” This internalized shame – believing he’s inherently defective or unlovable – is what Glover calls toxic shame. To cope, the boy develops a survival script: he’ll hide any “bad” parts of himself and try hard to be very good to earn approval. This is the seed of the Nice Guy paradigm.
Glover notes that all Nice Guys experienced some form of what he terms abandonment in childhood – not always literal abandonment, but any experience of feeling unsafe, alone, or not accepted (examples could be having overcritical parents, chaotic home life, abuse, or simply the fallout from divorce or a workaholic parent). They carry a deep belief that their needs and true feelings will drive others away, so they make themselves low-maintenance and pleasing instead. Social changes magnified this trend: many boys of the Boomer and Gen-X generations lacked consistent positive male role models (due to absent fathers or female-dominated upbringing) and even heard messages that “men are bad” from certain strands of 1970s feminism. As a result, an entire “Nice Guy” blueprint got passed down: be the sweet, sensitive guy who never offends – and you’ll be loved.
In this chapter, Glover also describes two types of Nice Guys he’s seen: the “I’m So Bad” Nice Guy, who openly believes he’s inferior or flawed (wearing his shame on his sleeve), and the “I’m So Good” Nice Guy, who buries his feelings of inadequacy under a role of rigid perfection and virtue. Both are driven by the same fear of being unworthy. The key realization here is that these men’s niceness isn’t an inborn trait – it’s a learned coping mechanism from childhood.
Suggested action: Glover encourages readers to do a bit of gentle digging into their past to understand their Nice Guy triggers. One exercise is to reflect on early life experiences that taught you it wasn’t okay to be yourself. For instance, on paper or in a journal you can write about specific childhood memories when you felt rejected, afraid, or “not good enough” as you were. What messages did you receive from parents, family, or peers about being a boy or having needs? The book suggests sharing these recollections with a safe person as well. The goal is not to wallow in blame, but to “name” those formative experiences. By identifying the origin of your Nice Guy script, you can start to challenge it. Simply realizing “Oh, I learned to people-please because I feared abandonment as a kid” can free you from the idea that niceness is just your nature. It sets the stage for rewriting your personal narrative going forward.
Chapter 3: Learn to Please the Only Person Who Really Matters (Yourself)
Nice Guys live for others – they people-please like it’s their full-time job. Chapter 3 flips that script, urging Nice Guys to start pleasing themselves first. Glover explains that constantly seeking external validation is a losing battle: “By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys end up pleasing no one – least of all themselves.” In this chapter he introduces the concept of “attachments” – the external things or achievements Nice Guys latch onto to feel valuable. For example, one man might base his self-worth on having a successful career, another on always being the “helpful handyman,” another on maintaining a perfect physique or driving a nice car. There’s nothing wrong with accomplishments, but Nice Guys use them as substitutes for self-esteem. They think, “If I have X or do Y, people will approve of me.” The trouble is, basing your worth on outside approval means others never get to know the real you – and you never truly know yourself either.
A classic Nice Guy tactic covered here is the “covert contract.” This is an unspoken deal the Nice Guy believes he’s making with others: “I’ll do something for you, and surely you’ll reciprocate without me ever asking.” The other person, of course, isn’t actually aware of this contract. For example, a Nice Guy might constantly compliment a woman just soshe’ll compliment him back or show affection – a hidden expectation that often leads to disappointment. These covert contracts are essentially a form of manipulation. Since the Nice Guy is too afraid to ask directly for what he wants, he schemes to get his needs met indirectly – and then feels bitter when others don’t read his mind. Glover points out the irony: trying to be “nice” and never ask for anything outright often creates dishonesty and resentment in relationships.
The antidote is learning to approve of yourself instead of looking for validation from others. Glover tells readers that the only person they truly need to make happy is themselves. This isn’t about becoming selfish in a mean way; it’s about recognizing that your needs and happiness matter just as much as anyone else’s. By valuing yourself, you actually become more genuinely loving and present for people, rather than a bundle of hidden expectations. Toward the end of the chapter, Glover offers concrete steps (the “Breaking Free” exercises) to help men start putting themselves first:
Identify your approval-seeking behaviors. Spend a week or so simply observing how much time and energy you devote to trying to impress or please others. Notice patterns: do you over-apologize, dress a certain way for praise, or take on tasks you hate just to get a thank-you? Becoming aware of these habits is the first step to changing them. Glover even suggests temporarily stopping any non-essential thing you usually do just to get validation – as an experiment, let those things go and see what happens. You might find the sky doesn’t fall when you stop people-pleasing.
Take better care of yourself. Nice Guys often treat everyone else better than they treat themselves. Glover urges men to start practicing basic self-care and indulgence: get enough sleep, eat healthy meals, exercise regularly, stay hydrated. Do something fun just for you – buy that gadget or take that weekend trip you’ve been wanting, even if you usually deny yourself. These may sound simple, but meeting your own needs sends your psyche a powerful message that you are worth it.
Use positive affirmations. Many Nice Guys have internal tapes of negativity or perfectionism (“I’m not good enough,” “I must be perfect to be loved”). Replacing those with conscious positive affirmations can slowly rewire your self-image. For instance, you might repeat phrases like “I am enough just as I am” or “It’s OK for me to have wants and feelings” each day. It may feel awkward at first, but Glover recommends sticking with it to counteract years of self-criticism.
Spend time alone to discover yourself. Nice Guys often fear being alone or fill their time doing things for others. Glover actually encourages deliberately carving out alone time – whether it’s a solo weekend getaway or simply an evening by yourself with no distractions. Learn to enjoy your own company. Journal, meditate, or pursue a hobby on your own. By doing so, you’ll start to figure out what you actually like and think, independent of others’ opinions. Being alone also forces you to face any feelings of loneliness or insecurity rather than constantly running from them. It’s a practice in self-sufficiency and self-discovery.
Be genuine with safe people. Building on the previous chapter, continue opening up to those “safe” individuals in your life. Practice telling the truth about what you feel and want. If you’re sad or upset, tell someone rather than hiding it. If you need help or a listening ear, ask. This honest sharing is therapeutic; it starts dismantling the narrative that your real self is unacceptable. Over time, you’ll experience that being authentic doesn’t drive good people away – it brings them closer.
By the end of Chapter 3, the message is clear: your relationship with yourself sets the tone for everything else. When you learn to like and care for yourself (the way an “Integrated Male” would), you won’t be as dependent on female approval or external praise to feel okay. Glover assures that this shift will actually make you more attractive and lovable to others, because you’ll be coming from a place of wholeness rather than neediness.
Chapter 4: Make Your Needs a Priority
Chapter 4 tackles one of the Nice Guy’s biggest hang-ups – prioritizing everyone else’s needs while ignoring his own. Nice Guys pretend to be selfless saints, but as Glover quips, they are “selfish in their unselfishness.” They give and give, yet it’s not pure altruism – deep down they’re hoping this will earn them love or reciprocation. Meanwhile, they never directly state what they need. Glover instructs that truly healthy men do the opposite: they become “unselfishly selfish,”meaning they consciously put themselves first in a balanced way. This isn’t about trampling others; it’s about recognizing that you have a responsibility to meet your own needs before you can genuinely give to anyone else. As he bluntly puts it, everyone has needs, and taking care of yours is the only mature way to live – otherwise you’re operating with an empty tank and hidden strings attached to your kindness.
One key concept introduced is the difference between “caring” and “caretaking.” Caring is healthy and comes from abundance – you give because you genuinely want to help the other person, with no expectation of return. Caretaking, by contrast, is what Nice Guys do: they give what they want to give (not necessarily what the other person needs) and it’s motivated by a desire to feel needed or to later get something back. For example, a Nice Guy might obsessively do his girlfriend’s errands (even ones she didn’t ask for) not purely out of kindness, but because he feels safer if he’s “useful” – and he secretly hopes she will now never leave him. The distinction lies in motive and expectation. Glover warns that caretaking often breeds resentment on both sides: the Nice Guy feels unappreciated when his efforts don’t yield devotion, and the recipient may feel smothered or manipulated.
When a Nice Guy chronically neglects his own needs, a predictable “victim cycle” occurs (sometimes called the victim triangle). It goes like this: First, the Nice Guy does something for someone (unasked) expecting unspoken repayment. Second, when he doesn’t get the response he wanted, he becomes hurt, angry, or resentful. Third, those pent-up feelings eventually leak out in unpleasant ways – maybe he gives his partner the silent treatment, makes a passive-aggressive comment, or has an outburst of stored-up rage. Then he might feel guilty for that and go back to being extra “nice” to compensate, and the cycle continues. The end result is nobody’s needs (including the Nice Guy’s) are truly met, and the relationship becomes tense.
Breaking free in this area means learning to state what you need and want, and being open to receiving it. Glover stresses that appearing “needless and wantless” in a relationship doesn’t make it stronger – it actually deprives your partner of the chance to know you and give to you, and it sets you up for martyrdom and bitterness. It’s far healthier to be direct about your needs. This might involve practicing saying things like, “I’d like you to listen to me for a few minutes,” or “I really need a night to myself to relax,” or “Could you help me with this project?” Such honesty can feel foreign to a lifelong Nice Guy, but it is crucial for mutual respect.
Suggested action: As an experiment, Glover suggests putting yourself first for a short, defined period – say one week. During this week, deliberately make choices based on what’s best for you (within reason). Let your family or partner know you’re trying this experiment. For example, if you usually go along with whatever your spouse wants for dinner, this week you decide the restaurant or meal you’re craving. If you typically sacrifice your gym time to handle others’ requests, this week prioritize your workout and kindly defer the requests. At the end of the week, check in with yourself and your loved ones about what happened. Many Nice Guys in Glover’s groups who tried this discovered something interesting: the world didn’t end when they prioritized themselves. In fact, their simmering resentment dropped, and their partners often appreciated seeing them more confident and self-caring. It’s a win-win – by not “smothering” others or secretly keeping score, you allow loved ones to also take care of themselves and show up for you in a more authentic way.
Another practical tip is to practice receiving graciously. The next time someone offers to help you or even compliments you, resist the urge to dismiss it – instead, smile and say “Thank you.” Notice how often you deflect help or praise, and start allowing yourself to accept it. This simple change reinforces that your needs matter and you deserve support and kindness, too.
Chapter 5: Reclaim Your Personal Power
In Chapter 5, Glover addresses the deep sense of powerlessness that many Nice Guys carry. Having lived as “victims of life” – always trying to do the right thing yet feeling life happens to them – Nice Guys often secretly feel helpless and at the mercy of others’ whims. Glover calls this out as a self-defeating mindset and teaches how to reclaim one’s personal power. Personal power, as defined here, is not about controlling others; it’s the confidence that you can handle whatever life throws at you. It’s an inner belief that “I can face challenges, make choices, and endure outcomes, even if things aren’t easy or certain.”
Nice Guys typically avoid anything that might be scary, uncomfortable, or “un-smooth.” They hate conflict, risk, or change – all of which are part of real life. So reclaiming personal power means changing your relationship with fear and uncertainty. Glover says the goal is not to eliminate fear (we all feel it), but to stop letting it run your life. In practical terms, he outlines several ways to break out of the Nice Guy victim mentality:
Surrender and accept reality. This might sound counterintuitive in a chapter about power, but it’s the first step. “Surrender” here means recognizing and accepting that much of life is outside your control. Nice Guys exhaust themselves trying to control every outcome or fix every problem (especially others’ problems). Glover urges readers to let go of that illusion of control. Embrace the fact that life can be unpredictable and even unfair at times. By surrendering to reality, you paradoxically feel more powerful – because you’re no longer wasting energy on unwinnable battles or denying the truth of situations.
Live in truth (no more dishonesty). Nice Guys often bend the truth or hide information to avoid conflict or look good. This lack of integrity actually weakens them. Glover insists that developing integrity and honesty is a cornerstone of personal power. This means always asking yourself, “What do I believe is the right thing here?” and then doing that, regardless of whether it’s the easiest path. Telling the truth (to yourself and others) might occasionally upset people, but it builds self-respect and earns the respect of others. When you’re truthful, you can face life with a clear conscience and a strong sense of self.
Express your feelings. Many Nice Guys are terrified of their own emotions – especially anger, sadness, or fear – because they think feelings make them weak or unlovable. They shove everything down to keep the peace. Glover flips this thinking: expressing feelings in a healthy way actually makes you more powerful and grounded. Suppressing emotions, on the other hand, keeps you anxious and tense. The book encourages finding safe outlets for your feelings: talk to trusted friends about what you feel, or write in a journal, or even see a therapist if needed. If you’re upset with someone, practice respectfully addressing it rather than smiling it away. Feelings won’t kill you – in fact, allowing yourself to feel and communicate emotions is key to genuine relationships and self-confidence.
Face your fears proactively. Glover explains that Nice Guys carry a lot of “memory fear” – echoes of childhood where things felt overwhelming, which now trigger excessive fear in adult situations. To grow, you must systematically face the things that scare you instead of always avoiding them. This doesn’t mean being reckless; it means doing the hard but important things you’ve been avoiding (maybe that’s speaking up at work, initiating a difficult conversation, or trying something new where you might fail). Each time you confront a fear, you prove to yourself that you can survive it, and your confidence grows. Even if the outcome isn’t perfect, you’ll likely realize it wasn’t as catastrophic as your imagination predicted. Over time, this builds a mental library of successes (“I handled that”) which replaces the old victim narrative.
Set boundaries with others. Taking back personal power also involves drawing lines in how you allow others to treat you. If you’ve been a doormat, people in your life are used to walking all over you – not necessarily out of malice, but because you’ve never stopped them. Glover emphasizes that no one has any incentive to respect your boundaries until you start enforcing them. It’s your job to teach others what is okay and not okay. This might involve saying “no” more often, or calmly correcting someone when they cross a line, or removing yourself from situations/relationships that are consistently disrespectful. Setting boundaries can be scary for a Nice Guy (it feels “mean”), but it’s actually an act of self-respect and mutual respect. Healthy people will ultimately respect you morefor having boundaries. And those who react very poorly to your reasonable limits are often the ones who took advantage of your niceness – their anger just confirms the boundary was needed. Glover assures that surviving the discomfort of enforcing a boundary greatly boosts your personal power; you stop feeling like a victim and start feeling like the director of your own life.
In sum, Chapter 5 is about shifting from a passive, fear-driven approach to an active, truth-driven approach to life. Exercises in this chapter might include practicing small acts of courage: for example, do one thing this week that stretches your comfort zone (like striking up a conversation you’d typically avoid, or asserting your opinion on a group decision). Or, identify one person with whom you need to set a boundary – then plan and practice what you’ll say to them. It could be as simple as telling a friend, “I can’t lend you money anymore, I’m sorry,” or telling a colleague not to interrupt you. Start with low-stakes boundaries and work upward. Glover also suggests keeping a journal of situations that trigger feelings of helplessness or resentment, then brainstorming what part of those situations you actually have control over (there’s almost always something – even if it’s just your own reaction). By consistently taking these kinds of actions, you’ll gradually reclaim the personal power you unknowingly gave away.
Chapter 6: Reclaim Your Masculinity
Many Nice Guys have distanced themselves from their own masculinity. Whether due to growing up hearing “men are toxic” messages or lacking strong male mentors, they came to view their masculine traits – assertiveness, strength, sexuality – as something to be ashamed of or toned down. Chapter 6 encourages men to embrace being men and tap into the positive power of masculinity. Glover argues that masculinity itself is not the enemy; in fact, healthy masculine energy is vital for a balanced life and fulfilling relationships. He defines masculinity in a positive light as self-sufficiency and strength – traits like determination, courage, honesty, passion, protectiveness, and leadership that historically help individuals, families, and communities survive and thrive. Of course, Glover acknowledges there are potential negative extremes (aggression, cruelty) if masculinity is misused. But suppressing all masculine traits isn’t the answer; instead, men should channel their masculinity in constructive ways.
This chapter invites Nice Guys to stop trying to be “perfectly nice” as a way to distance themselves from manhood. Many Nice Guys unconsciously believed that by being overly sensitive, deferential, or asexual, they would differentiate themselves from the stereotypical “bad man” image. The result is they ended up disowning aspects of themselves that are actually healthy and needed – like their assertiveness or sexual drive – leaving them feeling weak, anxious, or unfulfilled. Reclaiming masculinity means giving yourself permission to be a man in the best sense of the word. Glover provides a few strategies and action steps:
Build connections with other men. A powerful way to reconnect with your masculine side is to spend quality time with men – as friends, mentors, or in group activities. Nice Guys often avoid male company (they may have been more comfortable relating to women or felt competitive around men). But Glover suggests actively seeking out male friendship and camaraderie. Join a men’s support group or a casual weekly guys’ get-together. Plan outings with male friends – whether it’s playing sports, hiking, poker night, or just grabbing a beer. These male bonds provide support, accountability, and a space to be yourself without feeling like you have to be “nice” or perform. Glover observes that when Nice Guys develop close male friendships, they gain confidence and a sense of belonging that no amount of female approval can replace. It balances their life so they’re not relying on one romantic relationship for all emotional needs.
Get stronger (physically and emotionally). Embracing masculinity often involves pushing yourself to grow stronger and more independent. On a physical level, this could mean engaging in exercise or challenges that build your body and confidence – hitting the gym, martial arts, joining a sports league, or even doing physically demanding hobbies like woodworking or outdoor survival skills. Accomplishing tangible goals with your hands and body can reconnect you with a sense of capability. Emotionally, getting stronger might mean standing up for yourself more and taking on responsibilities rather than being passive. Glover hints that challenge and strain (in healthy doses) are actually good for men – they reveal your strengths and build resilience.
Find male role models or mentors. If you grew up without a positive father figure, seek one out now. This could be an older friend, a coach, a pastor, or anyone you respect who embodies qualities you admire. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or even ask for mentorship. Seeing how a well-adjusted man handles relationships, career, and emotions gives you a blueprint to learn from. Additionally, examining your relationship with your father (if he’s still in your life, or even if only in your memory) can be important. Glover suggests you might need to resolve some feelings there – perhaps forgiving him for what he couldn’t give, or letting go of a need to prove you’re not like him. This frees you to define your own masculinity going forward, rather than in reaction to Dad.
Engage in traditionally “masculine” activities that you enjoy. This doesn’t mean you must chug beer and watch football if that’s not your thing. The idea is to give yourself permission to do whatever you consider fun or fulfilling in a manly way. Love motorcycles? Take weekend rides. Interested in carpentry? Build something. Enjoy competition? Join a game or start a friendly contest. The point is to inhabit your male energy joyfully, not shrink from it. Glover even mentions spending time in nature – camping, fishing, or other outdoor pursuits – as a way to ground yourself and often a common way men bond.
Suggested action: If you’ve been isolated from other men, a great step is to schedule a regular guys’ night or join a men’s group. Make it a routine – say, every Tuesday you meet some friends for basketball, or every month you attend a local men’s support circle. It might feel odd at first if you’re used to being a “lone wolf” or only socializing through your partner, but stick with it. Also, try something physical that challenges you: sign up for that 5K run, take a boxing class, or simply set a goal like doing 50 push-ups a day. Physical accomplishments can dramatically boost your self-image as a capable man. Chapter 6 essentially tells you: your masculinity is not a liability; it’s a gift. When you embrace it, you feel more whole, and that positive energy benefits not just you but everyone around you.
Chapter 7: Get the Love You Want
This chapter zeroes in on intimate relationships, an area where Nice Guys often experience the most pain. Glover starts by noting that many Nice Guys show up in therapy precisely because their love life is in shambles. They can’t seem to maintain the kind of passionate, healthy relationships they desire. The paradox is that their very efforts to be the “perfect boyfriend/husband” contribute to the dysfunction. A core issue is that true intimacy requires vulnerability, but the Nice Guy’s toxic shame makes genuine openness terrifying. Instead of revealing their true selves (fears, desires, flaws) to a partner, Nice Guys either cling too tightly in a caretaking role or keep emotional distance to protect themselves.
Glover identifies two common patterns Nice Guys fall into:
Enmeshers: These men get overly involved in their partner’s life and emotions, losing any sense of self. They think that by merging completely and fixing all their partner’s problems, they’ll earn love. In reality, they smother their partner and neglect their own needs, leading to burnout and resentment.
Avoiders: These guys fear being controlled or hurt, so they remain emotionally distant. They may be in a relationship, but they always keep a wall up or put work, hobbies, friends – anything – ahead of true quality time with their partner. This of course prevents deep connection.
Another issue is partner selection: Nice Guys often (perhaps subconsciously) choose women who have significant problems (addictions, anger issues, depression, etc.) or who are emotionally unavailable. Why? Because focusing on “fixing” a partner’s issues is a convenient distraction from facing their own. If all his attention is on her drama, he never has to confront his insecurities or express his needs. Additionally, Glover mentions how some Nice Guys maintain overly close, dependent relationships with their mothers well into adulthood, which can interfere with forming a healthy bond with a romantic partner. Boundaries with family, especially Mom, can be an unrecognized factor in why their romantic relationships falter.
So how can a Nice Guy turn his love life around? Glover provides several “success strategies for intimate relationships.”
Give yourself approval and live your life. In short: don’t make your partner the center of your universe. Glover advises men to continue pursuing their own passions, friendships, and growth even when in a relationship. Do not abandon your hobbies or goals just to spend all your time with her or to keep her happy. Counterintuitive as it sounds, maintaining your individuality actually improves the relationship. It makes you more interesting and self-assured, and you’re together because you want to be, not because you’re desperate or dependent. When you approve of yourself and have a life you love, you won’t tolerate an unhealthy relationship – and you’ll naturally attract partners who respect you.
Set clear boundaries (even with the ones you love). Chapter 7 reinforces boundary-setting as an act of love. Standing up for yourself with your partner – saying “That’s not okay with me” when needed – creates mutual respect and safety in the relationship. Glover gives a handy yardstick called the “Second Date Rule.” If you wouldn’t have tolerated a certain behavior or treatment on the second date (when you were just getting to know this person), why tolerate it after two years? This doesn’t mean being inflexible, but it reminds Nice Guys not to excuse bad behavior just because they’re afraid of conflict or losing the relationship. Another tip he shares is the “Healthy Male Rule,” which means when in doubt, ask yourself: How would a healthy, confident man handle this situation with his partner? This can guide you in moments when you’re unsure whether to speak up or how to respond. Ultimately, enforcing boundaries lovingly (no yelling or threats, just clear communication of your limits) actually makes your partner feel more secure too. It shows her you respect yourself, which encourages her to respect you, and it establishes a sense of stability.
Focus on the relationship, not fixing your partner. Glover reminds readers that you are not your partner’s therapist or parent. If she has personal issues, it’s not your job to solve them – and trying to do so often backfires. Instead of constantly analyzing or attempting to improve your partner, put energy into how you two interact. That means practicing good communication, spending quality time together, and addressing issues as a team. It also means accepting that your partner is a separate person with her own journey – you can be supportive without taking over. One practical piece of advice: don’t reinforce bad behavior. For instance, if your partner yells to get her way and you always give in, you’ve taught her that yelling works. A healthier approach is not to reward behaviors you don’t like. Remain calm, set a boundary, or disengage, but don’t capitulate just to keep the peace. Conversely, do acknowledge and encourage positive behaviors and efforts. Essentially, treat your partner like an equal adult, not a project – this fosters mutual respect and growth.
Break old patterns when starting a new relationship. If you’re single or end up single again, Glover strongly urges you not to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. That starts with choosing a partner wisely. It’s not about finding a “perfect” person (no one is perfect), but it is wise to avoid people who send up red flags you’ve ignored in the past. For example, if you have a pattern of dating women who are in some kind of crisis thinking you can rescue them, recognize that and try dating someone who’s on more stable footing. Glover lists traits of a potentially good partner: integrity, passion for life, responsibility, emotional stability, sexual assertiveness, and happiness. Look for someone who has her own sense of purpose and treats you with respect from the beginning. And equally important, start the new relationship differently: be honest about who you are, communicate your needs early, and maintain your boundaries and self-care from the get-go. That way you set a healthy tone and won’t have to “fix” things later because you’re not betraying yourself to win her over in the first place.
Suggested action: For those in a relationship, a useful exercise from this chapter is to practice one act of honesty or boundary-setting with your partner that you’ve been avoiding. Maybe it’s expressing a sexual preference you usually keep silent about, or telling her you’d like an hour to yourself in the evenings. Start small – the idea is to experience being authentic and finding out that a healthy partner will respond fine (or at least the relationship can handle it). If single, try writing down a dating manifesto of sorts: list the qualities you truly want in a partner and red flags you won’t ignore next time. Also list how you intend to show up differently. For example, “I will speak up when something bothers me instead of pretending it’s okay.” Refer to this list when you start dating someone new to help break old patterns. Chapter 7 ultimately reassures that by being more real and self-respecting in love, Nice Guys can create the fulfilling, intimate partnerships they crave.
Chapter 8: Get the Sex You Want
Sex and sexuality are a major focus in Chapter 8, as Glover acknowledges that many Nice Guys have an unsatisfying or troubled sex life. This isn’t surprising given everything discussed so far: shame, fear of disapproval, and secretive behavior all wreak havoc in the bedroom. Glover begins by outlining common problems Nice Guys face with sex:
They might not be getting enough sex (perhaps stuck in a sexless marriage or afraid to seek out partners).
The sex they do have may be unsatisfying or lacking passion.
They could experience sexual dysfunction (like erectile issues or premature ejaculation) tied to anxiety and shame.
Some Nice Guys swing to the other extreme and have compulsive sexual behaviors – e.g. chronic pornography use, affairs, or risky encounters – as a hidden outlet, since they’re not getting their needs met openly.
Others feel repressed and guilty about their sexual desires, never expressing what they want, which leads to a mechanical, boring sex life.
According to Glover, two big issues underlie most of these problems: toxic shame around sexuality and fear of rejection. Many Nice Guys equate a woman’s sexual approval with their worth, so sex becomes a performance where they must “do it right” to be loved. They also carry deep shame for even having sexual needs – perhaps as a result of strict upbringing or past rejections – so they either avoid sex or hide their sexual expression as if it’s something dirty or bad. This shame and fear create a catch-22: the man can’t relax and be authentic sexually, which pretty much guarantees bad sex or no sex, which then reinforces his belief that something is wrong with him.
Glover offers a number of strategies to help Nice Guys get the fulfilling sex life they (and their partners) truly want:
“Come out of the closet” as a sexual being. The first step is to accept that you are a sexual creature – and there’s nothing wrong or shameful about that. Nice Guys need to drop the pretend act of being the asexual “nice boy” and acknowledge their desires. This might involve talking openly about sex in a mature way, whether with your partner, a therapist, or a men’s group. Glover suggests every man should have a safe space to discuss sexual issues and fears. By bringing the secrets into the light, you begin dismantling the shame. You realize sexual feelings are normal and you’re not “bad” for having them.
Engage in “healthy masturbation.” This phrase in the book basically means learning to pleasure yourself in a mindful, self-accepting way rather than with frantic shame or porn-induced fantasies. Glover controversially advises some Nice Guys to take a break from porn and even partner sex for a short period and focus on masturbating without guilt or external stimuli. The idea is to recondition yourself to be present with your own body and feelings, without relying on the intense dopamine hit of porn or the pressure of pleasing a partner. This can help break porn addictions and reduce performance anxiety. Healthy masturbation is not goal-oriented (it’s not about “must climax in X minutes” or recreating a porn scenario); it’s about experiencing your sexuality naturally. By doing this, you learn what you actually enjoy and that it’s okay to enjoy it, which you can then communicate to a partner.
Say “no” to bad sex. One of the bold stances Glover takes is telling men to stop tolerating lousy or unsatisfying sexual encounters. If sex with your partner has become infrequent, rote, or one-sided (and you’ve been silently stewing about it), continuing that pattern just breeds more resentment. Glover argues that neither partner benefits from obligatory, pity, or mechanical sex. Instead, he challenges Nice Guys to put a hold on the unfulfilling sex they’ve been settling for. This might mean having an honest conversation with your partner that you want to hit the reset button on your sex life – perhaps even agreeing to a short period of no sex, so that when you resume, it’s from a fresh slate of genuine desire rather than duty. It’s a bit of a radical idea, but he found that when men did this, it forced both partners to confront their true feelings and needs around sex. During the break, focus on other forms of intimacy and communication. When you resume, approach sex as an entirely new experience, leaving old routines and grudges behind.
Redefine what “good sex” means. Glover provides a healthier framework for great sex: it should be a natural, mutual exchange where both partners take responsibility for their own pleasure. It’s not one person performing and the other passively enduring, and it’s certainly not a scripted porn scenario (throw out those checklists of what “must” happen). Good sex is about intimacy, playfulness, vulnerability, and being present with each other’s bodies. It has unpredictable potential – meaning you’re open to whatever experience unfolds, rather than trying to hit some quota or standard. For a Nice Guy, this means letting go of the pressure to be “the world’s greatest lover” who produces porn-star outcomes. Instead, focus on connecting with your partner: what feels good in the moment? Communicate during sex; ask what she likes, and express what you like. If both people are actively engaged and comfortable saying yes or no, sex becomes a relaxed exploration rather than a test of worthiness.
Be clear and direct about your sexual needs. Just as in other areas of life, Glover says you must ask for what you want in your sex life. If there’s something you desire more of (or less of), talk about it with your partner outside the bedroom, and also guide them during intimacy. For instance, if you want a different kind of touch, gently show or tell them. If there’s a fantasy or new activity you’d like to try, bring it up for discussion. And equally, listen to what your partner wants. The more open the communication, the more fulfilling the sex can be. Importantly, choose available partners – meaning, invest your sexual energy in people who reciprocate interest and effort. Many Nice Guys waste time trying to convince a disinterested person, which just feeds their feeling of inadequacy. It’s far better to be with someone who genuinely desires you back.
Embrace your confidence – it’s sexy. At the end of the chapter, Glover reminds men that self-confidence is the greatest aphrodisiac. Instead of worrying “Does she like me? Am I performing well?”, shift your mindset to “I’m proud of who I am, and I’m going to share that in a fun way.” Being at ease with yourself – comfortable naked, playful, and unashamed – will do more for your sex life than any technique. If you’ve followed the journey through earlier chapters (self-care, asserting yourself, owning masculinity), you’ll naturally become more confident by this stage. Let that shine in the bedroom. Ironically, when you stop trying so hard to please and just enjoy the moment, your partner is likely to find you more attractive and the experience more satisfying for both of you.
Suggested action: One exercise from this chapter is to take a temporary break from porn or other sexual numbing habits if those have been an issue for you. Use that time to journal about what feelings or void you might be trying to escape via porn or fantasy. Additionally, consider discussing a sexual reset with your partner if things have been difficult – it could be as simple as agreeing to focus on non-sexual affection for a few weeks while you rebuild emotional intimacy and then slowly reintroduce physical intimacy with a fresh approach. If direct communication about sex feels awkward, Glover suggests starting by reading a book or article about sexual techniques or relationships together with your partner, and use that as a springboard for conversation (“What do you think about this? Would you ever want to try something like it?”). Remember, the main goal is to remove shame and fear from the equation. However you choose to do the exercises, do them with an attitude of self-acceptance and curiosity. Over time, these efforts can transform sex from a source of anxiety into a source of joy and deep connection.
Chapter 9: Get the Life You Want
In the final chapter, Glover zooms out to address the bigger picture of life satisfaction. He observes that many Nice Guys are actually living far below their potential – stuck in unfulfilling careers or lifestyles – because the same Nice Guy traits that undermine their relationships also hold them back from success and happiness in general. They spend so much time appeasing others and chasing approval that they never chart their own path. Glover challenges readers to apply all the previous lessons (self-responsibility, facing fears, asking for what you want, etc.) to crafting the life they truly desire.
Some common barriers that keep Nice Guys from living their best life include:
Fear – especially fear of failure and fear of success. (Fear of success might manifest as “If I really go for what I want – a better job, starting a business, pursuing a passion – I might upset someone, or I might still feel empty, so why try?”). This fear leads to playing it safe and not taking opportunities.
Perfectionism and control – Nice Guys often feel they must do everything perfectly or not at all, and they hate uncertainty. This can result in paralysis: they stick to familiar, mediocre situations rather than risk the unknown. They might also over-plan and never actually launch their dream because conditions weren’t perfectly “right.”
Not asking for help – Because of their upbringing, many Nice Guys think needing help is shameful, so they insist on doing everything alone. This severely limits their growth. No one achieves great things without support, yet Nice Guys will stubbornly refuse assistance or mentorship, leading to burnout or failure.
Self-sabotage – Glover lists ways Nice Guys undermine themselves: procrastination, not finishing what they start, getting involved in others’ drama instead of focusing on their goals, making excuses, or quitting when success is just around the corner. These behaviors often stem from the belief that they’re not really worthy of big success or happiness (that toxic shame again), so unconsciously they act in ways that confirm their “not good enough” story.
Distorted self-image – After years of playing the nice guy role, many men genuinely can’t see how capable or talented they are. They downplay their accomplishments and avoid the spotlight. This “I’m not that important” mindset can prevent them from seeking promotions, asking for raises, or taking on challenges that they actually could excel at.
Deprivation mentality – Nice Guys often have a deep belief that good things (money, love, success) are scarce and that pursuing what they want will somehow deprive others or is bound to fail. This leads to settling for crumbs in life instead of striving for abundance.
The chapter encourages readers to consciously break this cycle and start envisioning and pursuing the life they want, not the life they think will please others. Key recommendations include:
Discover your passion and purpose. Glover urges men to figure out what genuinely excites them in life – what would get them out of bed in the morning even if no one else cared or approved? It could be a career path, a creative hobby, a cause, or an entrepreneurial idea. Often Nice Guys have buried these passions to be “responsible” or to fit others’ expectations. Now is the time to unearth them. He suggests revisiting childhood dreams or noticing what activities make you lose track of time. Once you identify a passion or purpose, take steps (even small ones) to incorporate it into your life or work.
Face your fears – especially the fear of change. Much like in Chapter 5, here Glover emphasizes that achieving your dreams will require courage. Do what scares you in order to move forward. This could mean quitting a dead-end job, going back to school, moving to a new city, or finally starting that business you’ve talked about. It might mean having tough conversations, like asking for a raise or ending a toxic relationship. He acknowledges the fear but reminds the reader that not taking action is often worse – it means a life of regrets. The first step can be small, but it must be taken. Glover gives examples: if you want a new career, maybe the first step is enrolling in one class or reaching out to someone in that field. The important thing is to do something different rather than repeating the same patterns. Action builds momentum and confidence.
Let go of the need to be perfect. Over and over, Glover cautions that perfectionism is the enemy of growth. He encourages adopting a motto like “good enough is good enough.” This doesn’t mean being sloppy; it means recognizing when striving for 100% is just an excuse to never finish (or never start). Accept that any new endeavor will have a learning curve and mistakes, and that’s okay. By giving yourself permission to be imperfect, you’ll take more risks and actually get things done. Glover even notes that when you drop the perfection rule, life tends to “fall into place” more easily – because you’re no longer micromanaging every detail and stalling.
Ask for help and build a support system. A crucial point in this chapter is that no one achieves their dreams alone. Nice Guys need to get comfortable reaching out to others for assistance, mentoring, collaboration, or even emotional support. This might mean hiring a coach or tutor, finding a mastermind group or support group, delegating tasks instead of martyring yourself, or simply telling friends and family about your goals and asking for their encouragement. Glover insists that people want to help you – loved ones enjoy being there for you, just as you’ve been there for them. But you have to clearly ask for what you need. Don’t hint or hope someone will magically notice – practice straightforwardly saying, “Could you help me brainstorm this?” or “I could use some advice, do you have a minute?” or “Hey, I’m moving next month, would you be able to help me pack?” You may be pleasantly surprised at how willing people are, and how good it feels to not carry the world on your shoulders alone.
Identify and stop self-sabotage. Glover wants readers to shine a light on those sneaky behaviors that derail progress. He suggests writing down every time you catch yourself procrastinating or making an excuse and then challenging it. For example, if you notice you spent three hours on video games instead of working on your business plan, call it out: “I avoided my goal today by doing X.” Without self-judgment, explore why – perhaps you were feeling afraid of failing, or you hit a hard part and wanted a distraction. The next step is to implement strategies to prevent sabotage: maybe set a timer for work and then allow play after, or have an accountability buddy who checks in on your progress. By systematically removing or circumventing these self-imposed obstacles, you’ll find a clearer path to success.
As the chapter (and book) concludes, Glover paints an encouraging vision: When you stop living for approval and start living for your own values and passions, you become the author of your life. The same man who once felt trapped by niceness can become bold, purposeful, and truly happy, in both relationships and personal pursuits.
Suggested action: One powerful exercise the book proposes is to write down one significant goal or dream you have, then list at least one specific behavior or habit that has been holding you back from it. Next, come up with a plan to “do something different” regarding that goal. For instance, Goal: “Write a book.” Self-sabotage: “I watch TV every evening and never make time to write.” Different approach: “I’ll cut TV down to one night a week and spend other nights writing for an hour.” It sounds simple, but putting it on paper clarifies your intent and your obstacles. Another immediate step is to ask for help in one area you’ve been struggling with. If you’re job-hunting and getting nowhere, maybe ask a successful colleague to review your resume. If you want to get fit, ask a friend to be your workout buddy or hire a trainer for a session. By reaching out, you not only gain practical assistance, you also reinforce to yourself that you deserve help and success.
Finally, Glover reminds the reader not to get discouraged – breaking free of the Nice Guy Syndrome is a journey. It’s about progress, not perfection. By applying the insights and doing the exercises chapter by chapter, you’ll gradually shed the need for approval and step into an integrated, authentic life. No more Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t mean becoming a bad guy; it means becoming the best, most honest guy you can be – for your own benefit and for the benefit of those who love you.
**(No relevant information was found in the connected Google Drive; thus, this summary was compiled using publicly available sources.)*
