Couples Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissism is a combination of apathy, superiority, and fragility.
Apathy: Not caring about others
Superiority: believing your are better than others
Fragility: finding it hard to handle criticism
In a relationship, narcissism contributes to conflict, disconnection, and pain.
We are all narcissistic to some extent, it’s just a question of how much. I grew up in a narcissistic family and developed narcissistic tendencies as a teenager. As an adult, I was pretty far along the spectrum of narcissism. I always thought I was the smartest person in the room, I collapsed whenever anyone criticized me, and I didn’t know how to care about others.
As you can imagine, this wasn’t good for my marriage. I eventually accepted the fact that I would never be able to have a good marriage until I dealt with my own narcissism. None of this would have happened without the super-human efforts of my own therapist.
Dealing with narcissism means confronting all three components. We tend to focus on the superiority, but apathy and fragility are just as harmful. Here’s a brief account of how I dealt with all three.
Apathy: I learned to constantly ask myself this question: what would be different in this moment if I cared more about this person? I paid attention to what it felt like to be cared about by others, and spent time with people who cared deeply about me.
Fragility: I worked to calm and soothe myself when I collapsed under criticism. I worked on seeing the intrensic value in myself and others. I worked with a therapist who offered me constant criticism coupled with intense care and support. I learned to be OK when people criticize me.
Superiority: I had to learn to see myself as equal to others. That meant finding the flaws in myself that were equivalent to the flaws I saw in others. It also meant constantly confronting myself about my own sense of superiority, and the judgmental way I related to others.
As a couples therapist, I work with narcissistic couples every day. I don’t believe the myth that “narcissists can’t change.” If you want to change, you can change. My job is to help you see where you are starting, and then help you envision how much better your life will be when you deal with your own narcissism.