What to expect from Gottman Couples Counseling

Here's what you can expect from Gottman Couples Counseling:

Gottman Relationship Therapy starts with a "getting to know you" phase. First, you and your partner will meet with your therapist together to talk openly about your relationship. You'll discuss what brought you to therapy, what's working well in your relationship, and what problems you're facing. This gives your therapist a good overview of your situation. Then, each of you will have a private, one-on-one meeting with the therapist. During these individual sessions, you can share your personal thoughts, concerns, and hopes for the relationship without worrying about how your partner might react. You'll also complete some detailed questionnaires that help identify specific strengths in your relationship and areas that need attention.

After gathering all this information, your therapist will have a special feedback session with both of you. They'll explain what they've learned about your relationship patterns - both the positive ones that help your relationship grow and the negative ones that might be causing problems. For example, they might point out how you handle arguments, show affection, or support each other during tough times. The therapist will explain how these patterns match up with what research shows about successful relationships. Then together, you'll decide what specific things you want to work on in therapy.

The next big part of therapy focuses on learning and practicing new relationship skills. You'll work on three main areas:

First, you'll focus on building a stronger friendship. This involves learning more about each other's lives, hopes, and dreams through special activities called "Love Maps." You'll practice asking each other meaningful questions and showing genuine interest in each other's world. You'll also learn how to notice and express appreciation for the good things your partner does, which helps create a more positive atmosphere in your relationship.

Second, you'll learn better ways to handle conflicts and communicate. Your therapist will help you identify harmful communication patterns like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling (shutting down). Then you'll learn healthier ways to express your feelings and needs. For example, instead of attacking your partner with criticism, you'll learn how to bring up problems gently in a way that's more likely to get a positive response. You'll also learn how to listen better to each other and how to calm down when discussions get heated.

Third, you'll develop better problem-solving skills. Some problems in relationships can be solved completely, while others keep coming back because they're tied to basic differences in personalities or values. Your therapist will help you tell the difference between these types of problems and teach you different strategies for handling each kind. For ongoing issues, you'll learn how to have productive discussions that help you understand the deeper meaning behind your disagreements and find ways to live with your differences.

Throughout therapy, you'll practice these new skills both during your sessions and at home. Your therapist will watch how you interact and give you helpful feedback to improve. They might stop you during an argument to point out old patterns and suggest better ways to communicate. This real-time coaching helps you replace unhealthy habits with more positive ones.

You'll also spend time exploring what gives meaning to your relationship. This might include talking about your shared values, creating special rituals (like regular date nights or holiday traditions), and discussing your roles and goals as a couple. These conversations help create a deeper sense of connection and shared purpose in your relationship.

As you near the end of therapy, you'll work with your therapist to make sure your progress sticks. You'll review what you've learned and make a specific plan for maintaining your improvements. This might include scheduling regular check-in conversations with each other, planning how to handle future conflicts, and identifying warning signs that old patterns are creeping back. Your therapist might also suggest occasional "tune-up" sessions to help you stay on track.

I don’t use Gottman because I think Crucible Therapy works better, but I do get a lot of requests for Gottman therapy, so I wanted to include a writeup of what it’s like. In the end what matters most is the skill of the therapist, not the exact approach they are using.