Couples Therapy Approaches Compared

People often ask me how my approach is different from the couples therapy they've already tried. Most couples therapists draw on one of a handful of approaches. This is a plain comparison of the ones I get asked about most, based on the books their founders wrote for couples.

One thing first: the person of the therapist matters more than the method. Your progress depends more on how mature and capable your therapist is than on their training or technique.

Approach	Developed by	Starts from	What you work on
Crucible Therapy	David Schnarch	Differentiation	Holding onto yourself, calming yourself down, growing up
Gottman Method	John and Julie Gottman	Research on what predicts divorce	Friendship, managing conflict, shared meaning
Emotionally Focused Therapy	Sue Johnson	Attachment	Reaching for each other and responding
Relational Life Therapy	Terry Real	Respect and accountability	Moving from "you and me" to "us"

Two big ideas: attachment and differentiation

Most approaches lean toward one of two ideas about what makes love work.

Attachment-based approaches start from the bond between partners. When you feel that your partner is there for you, you calm down and can work things out. Therapy focuses on helping partners reach for each other and respond. Emotionally Focused Therapy is the best-known example.

Differentiation-based approaches start from each partner's ability to hold onto themselves while staying close. Therapy focuses on each person growing up: calming yourself down, standing on your own two feet, and staying in contact when it's uncomfortable. The idea comes from Murray Bowen's family systems theory, and David Schnarch built Crucible Therapy on it.

Neither camp ignores the other idea. The difference is where they start and what they ask you to do first.

Crucible Therapy (David Schnarch)

This is the approach I use. Schnarch saw marriage as a process that grows people up. Conflict and desire problems aren't a sign that something is broken. They're what happens when two separate people try to stay close, and they push each of you to become more of your own person.

A few of his central ideas:

• Differentiation, or holding onto yourself: staying clear about who you are when your partner pressures you to change, without pulling away from them. See What Is Differentiation?
• Other-validated vs. self-validated intimacy. In Passionate Marriage, Schnarch describes other-validated intimacy as expecting acceptance, empathy, or validation from your partner when you open up. Self-validated intimacy relies on keeping your own sense of identity and self-worth when you open up, without expecting acceptance in return.
• The Four Points of Balance, from Intimacy & Desire: a Solid Flexible Self, a Quiet Mind–Calm Heart, Grounded Responding, and Meaningful Endurance. They're described in What Is Differentiation?
• Two-choice dilemmas. We usually want two choices, but we only get one. Many marriages get stuck because both partners try to avoid choosing.
• Sexuality. Schnarch called sexuality "a powerful window into who we are" and treated sexual problems as part of the whole relationship.

In practice, Crucible Therapy treats relationship problems as opportunities for personal development. Real change comes from facing difficult truths head-on. Emotional maturity means calming yourself down rather than depending on your partner to do it for you.

More: What Is Crucible Therapy? and David Schnarch's books.

The Gottman Method (John and Julie Gottman)

The Gottman Method is what most people expect from couples therapy. John Gottman studied couples in his Seattle lab and looked for what predicts divorce. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work describes the warning signs he found, including harsh start-up, flooding, and the "Four Horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The book's seven principles are: enhance your love maps, nurture fondness and admiration, turn toward each other, let your partner influence you, solve your solvable problems, overcome gridlock, and create shared meaning. Gottman also found that most marital conflicts, 69 percent by his count, are perpetual problems that never get fully solved. Couples do better when they learn to live with them.

Gottman therapy usually starts with an assessment: a joint session, a private session with each partner, and questionnaires. Then the therapist gives you feedback and you work on three main areas: building your friendship, handling conflict, and creating shared meaning. You practice the skills in session and at home.

I don't use Gottman because I think Crucible Therapy works better. Consider a couple that constantly argues. The Gottman Method might teach them to argue more constructively, which is useful, but it doesn't address why they're arguing in the first place, and it doesn't push them to grow as individuals. Crucible Therapy asks: What insecurities are driving these arguments? How can each person take responsibility for their own reactions?

There's more in my summary of The Seven Principles.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson)

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is built on attachment. In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson argues that lasting love depends on emotional responsiveness, which she sums up as A.R.E.: accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement, or "Are you there, are you with me?"

Johnson describes three "Demon Dialogues" that couples fall into when they feel disconnected: Find the Bad Guy, the Protest Polka, and Freeze and Flee. EFT is organized around seven conversations that help partners step out of those patterns and reach for each other.

The biggest difference from Crucible Therapy is where the comfort comes from. EFT works on helping partners respond to each other's need for connection. Crucible Therapy puts more weight on soothing your own hurts first, so you're not depending on your partner to calm you down.

See my summary of Hold Me Tight.

Relational Life Therapy (Terry Real)

Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy (RLT) focuses on respect and accountability. In Us, he describes two parts of each person: the Adaptive Child, who reacts the way you learned to as a kid, and the Wise Adult, who is present in the here and now and cares about the relationship as a whole. He wants couples to move from "you and me" thinking to "us" thinking.

Real lists five losing strategies the Adaptive Child turns to: being right, controlling your partner, unbridled self-expression, retaliation, and withdrawal. He also asks couples to commit to what he calls full-respect living: before words leave your mouth, you ask yourself whether what you're about to say falls below the level of basic respect.

RLT and Crucible Therapy agree on a lot. Both expect you to take responsibility for your own behavior instead of waiting for your partner to change.

See my summary of Us.

Esther Perel

Esther Perel isn't the founder of a therapy model, but her book Mating in Captivity shapes how a lot of therapists think about desire. Her central idea is that love seeks closeness, but desire needs distance. That overlaps with Schnarch: both see a certain amount of separateness as necessary for passion in a long marriage.

See my summary of Mating in Captivity.

Why I'm a Crucible therapist

I became a Crucible therapist because it saved my own marriage. My wife and I had tried Gottman and EFT therapy before we found a Crucible therapist. I believe Crucible Therapy is the best choice for couples who want to overcome relationship problems and create a stronger, more loving marriage.

It's a tougher path. Many people recoil when they first hear these ideas, because we're trained to avoid discomfort, seek validation, and blame others for our problems. Crucible Therapy asks you to do the opposite. At the same time, what matters most is the skill of the therapist, not the exact approach they use.

If you want to see what it's like, your first session is free.